DP's questionable posts

[RollLikeThunder]

I've been with DP since our final year at university and we've been together for 3 years. He's always had a Reddit account and over the years he's sent me numerous links of posts he's made about our dog. This morning, I was looking to commission a picture of our dog into some artwork, and as I didn't have a copy of the picture, decided to have a look at his account to see if I could find it so I could surprise him with the final product.

I saw, amongst others, posts about how a woman's value in a relationship is her attractiveness while a man's is his bank account, how he doesn't understand why men oppose feminism because feminism has brought us only fans, how there's a reason women's earning power peaks at 38 while men's stand at 49, how women love objectifying themselves but cry when men do it to them etc. I know it's his account as his most recent post was about a vet appointment our dog had.

He's never voiced anything even remotely like this to me and he's made questionable jokes but I've always called him out on them and he's always apologised afterwards. Surely this is red flag though?!?

And to the PP saying it wasn't about the dog. Yeah, maybe a part of me used that as self-justification for looking but the thing is I did look and what's done is done.

@RollLikeThunder

The thing is he's not like this day to day! Granted we've been a bit distant the past year as we've both probably spent more time on our phones or watching Netflix instead of talking to each other like we did before but it's a shock.

He is like that day to day though, internally. He just hadn't shown it to you because he knows women are less likely to stay with an angry misogynist.

Make no mistake, he is like that. Day to day, all the time. That's why he hasn't actually apologised or said it was madness for him to post those things.

Because he does believe them.

He's done you a favour reacting this way because surely there's no no doubt in your mind?!

It would be like someone in an interracial relationship finding out their white partner not only frequented but also contributed to racist communities online. Then when confronted, stood by the beliefs they shared and expected a partner to stay with them... that would be madness wouldn't it?!

He hates women. At some point that hatred will be directed at you - if you earn too much / too little / put on weight / lose weight and people comment positively about it / get pregnant and need his help / need extended maternity leave / expect him to parent equally / want to get married aka take half his money as he will see it...

Please don't sign up to spending your life with someone who is an angry misogynist.

As another poster asked - what if you have a daughter? How will you explain to them that you knowingly had a child with someone who hates women, when those beliefs are made clear to your daughter throughout her life?

I couldn't run away fast enough.

"A woman's world"? What planet is he on? Tell him to imagine that women have been feeling how he's feeling now in a man's world for centuries, and he should bloody well get over it. Maybe he should imagine a world where we're all equal. Check his privilege. (Not sure if that means exactly what I think it does, but hey )

There's nothing wrong with reading a partner's posts if they've given you the username. It's a public account, it's not like reading their text messages.

OP I couldn't live with someone who thought that way about women. When you have a baby he's going to start saying things like "it's women's job to take time off work and do all the night feeds", while expecting you to contribute just as much financially because it's a woman's world.

Well thats a fanny drier if I ever read one!

I'm so using that!

Op that would be a major deal breaker for me - that's him posting anon and to me that would be him displaying his real opinions and beliefs!

You've not been together that long, I'm guessing not been through any life changes where such misogynistic views would be apparent...

I'd be seriously worried about how his behaviour would be in the future eg when you have dc

I'd be asking him to try and explain himself but tbh I'd be walking!

well you can't deny it's true

Run don't walk!

Bloody hell!

A woman's world?! Fucking idiot!

I couldn't be with someone that STUPID and easily influenced aside from all the other shite!

Tell him real men have minds of their own and aren't threatened by the mere existence of women and leave!

@rolllikethunder but what IS done? You say whats done is done..what do you mean? Not that you owe anyone a justification, should you decide to stay with him, im just curious after seeing all these red flags how you plan to proceed? It might help down the line if you two start planning a family to look into what their idea of what constitutes a good marriage, esp. Regarding their wives being sexually active pretty much immediately after birth. While youre doing your research, see if hes a member of the DeadBedroom Subreddit as well. Those two often go hand in hand, where they complain about their wives having low libidos etc. In either case, best of luck

Please don't let him divert this into a 'why are you reading my posts' thing. You are his partner, and it is in a public forum, for which he himself gave you the username. You are not even reading his private messages. You are definitely not intruding on his privacy. Any other person in the world could read his messages.

You guys disconnecting over Covid is not the cause either. So did many people, and they did not end up with a DP with a personality transplant, who went down the rabbit hole.

He is trying to take away attention from the actual problem, which is that he clearly holds some deeply misogynist and damaging ideas. Please don't fall for the 'it is other women, you're different' thing either. This may not hurt you directly right now, but one day it will. (BTW, if his work knew, he could be in trouble. You could not rely on someone with such posts to not disadvantage female colleagues and job applicants.)

You deserve better (and so do other women he comes in contact with). I hope he comes back to reason, but otherwise, you might have to give the relationship a rethink.

I'm still trying to reconcile his online self with what I thought was his 'real' self. It's easy to say I'll leave right this moment but everything went to hell only last night and right now I have to actively distract myself because all I want to do is sent a long rant of a message that will just make me angrier. It's all so grim. My what's done is done was in response to another poster whom I assume was accusing me of snooping.

I'm still trying to reconcile his online self with what I thought was his 'real' self.

That is his real self - his actual thoughts that he feels safe saying behind a veil of anonymity.

He then backed up those thoughts when confronted and did so again today.

I know it sucks but underneath the 'him' you thought was real, is the 'him' you read the posts of online.

That is who he is:

-He thinks it's a woman's world.
-He thinks women 'always want more'
-He thinks women always 'play the victim'
-He thinks it's ok if women lose their jobs because "if they're not already exchanging sex for promotions as they will all just get a sugar daddy, sell nudes, do cam stuff"

Note the "all" / "always" language he likes - he thinks this way about you too, you know. He would show his hand in that regard at some point.

He didn't say those things just online, he said them to your face, in person, in real life. And then stormed off and got drunk.

Imagine the things he'll have said about you while he was getting pissed last night.

Bloody women eh? Wanting to be treated with respect. Burn the witches.

It would IMO be selfish to have a child with this man in children are something you see in your future. To knowingly have children with someone who is an angry misogynist is unfair on the children.

@RollLikeThunder

I'm still trying to reconcile his online self with what I thought was his 'real' self. It's easy to say I'll leave right this moment but everything went to hell only last night and right now I have to actively distract myself because all I want to do is sent a long rant of a message that will just make me angrier. It's all so grim. My what's done is done was in response to another poster whom I assume was accusing me of snooping.

Really, just leave him. There is nothing redeemable here.

As a pp said when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Don't waste your energy on this knob.

My husband is an incredible man, not only does he support me in all aspects of my life but he uplifts women's voices at work too.

They exist and you deserve someone who will respect you.

@Sampafie

Hes been on those red pill/ MGTOW posts. Its only gonna get worse for YOU as you get older, those men have no value for women, even less for them as they get older

Exactly what I thought. Sounds like influence from incel forums.

@RollLikeThunder

I'm still trying to reconcile his online self with what I thought was his 'real' self. It's easy to say I'll leave right this moment but everything went to hell only last night and right now I have to actively distract myself because all I want to do is sent a long rant of a message that will just make me angrier. It's all so grim. My what's done is done was in response to another poster whom I assume was accusing me of snooping.

OK, let's play devil's advocate and (in part) defend him...

Let's say he's very depressed / worried about something and for whatever reason he's found some solace online on Reddit and started chatting with a load of guys. Unfortunately those guys are very persuasive misogynists, and he's gullible. Let's imagine that situation.

So, these guys manage to persuade him that the root of many (if not all) of his troubles are women. How he's getting a crap deal in life because of women. How (incredulously) the world favours women... and he's bought into all this crap...

At what point does he think about you, and say 'hmmm this isn't stacking up, because my partner is none of those things, and as amazing as she is, she's probably not unique either'?

At what point does he challenge this sordid group?
At what point does he reflect on his relationship with you and realise that women aren't his enemy.
At what point does he realise not everything in your life has been a bed of roses, and you've not enjoyed all the so called advantages of being a woman?

He still hasn't come to his senses.

Even given him some benefit of doubt (which is a tall order), he's still taken the ludicrous views of internet numpties and put them ahead of his own real world experiences of women (including you).

When confronted, he's gone drinking and sought to find even more support for his low opinion of women (which includes you).

The mere fact that he sees your relationship as some measure of 'Alpha or Beta' maleness should say it all. If he thinks he is an Alpha male, he'll be wanting to dominate you. If he think's he is a beta male, he'll resent you. Until he sees you as his equal, his confidant, his partner - there is no hope. I don't see that time coming soon, if ever.

Yes, I thought that about incels immediately, but I couldn't remember the right word, so I left it, @babbaloushka Thank you for the reminder!

About 100 grammatical errors - ignore them all!

Your partner has been keeping a few things close to his chest, knowing how repulsed you'd be if you found out. Jokes about Only Fans? Seriously? Sounds to me like he's already on board with that then and I would suspect he's paying for it.

This happens to a lot of women. Their husbands remain silent over a few things and give them the impression they're into women's equality and empowerment......then those women find out the hard way (after having a baby) that their husbands were closet chauvanists all along. They typically wait until the woman's vulnerable before revealing they have 1950s ideas of how the sexes are.....whilst retaining 21st century 'sex positive' liberal benefits like watching porn and OnlyFans....interesting combo.

I asked what's true, and then he said something along the lines of women always want more despite having everything, you can already make money with no effort and yet still want to play the victim. Asked him wtf he meant, and he then said that all his male friends were so worried last year about losing their jobs whereas it doesn't matter if women lose their jobs if they're not already exchanging sex for promotions as they will all just get a sugar daddy, sell nudes, do cam stuff

Wow. There's just so much wrong with what he said. Always wanting more? Yes, how fucking dare women want a decent job or independence. 'you can already make money with no effort' - this is so disgusting. He thinks we're all prostitutes in waiting OP, and that prostitution is 'no effort' and that's why he's so resentful. He's resentful that women have this delightful, easy back-up plan. I would suggest that if he wants security, he should walk into a local brothel and copy some of these women by hiring himself out to male punters who'd quite like his ass. Will he do that???? No he fucking wouldn't.

He sounds incredibly resentful and actually a bit of a pig. I don't think he respects or likes women very much.

He's a manipulator, pretending to be something he's not - a decent human being.

Also, for the love of God, please don't have children with him and never give up your job. If he's harbouring these opinions and resentment now, he'll get much worse once he thinks he's finally king of the castle. Trust me.

When he said he's willing to be your Beta....Jesus. He's a liability. When he gets to his 30s or 40s, I can bet he'll be on the lookout for a nice, giggly women who's a decade or two younger, who will toss her hair and tell him how utterly hilarious and fantastic he is, and you'll be described as some kind of monster who gives him a hard time.

He’s joined the intel/red pill idiot cult. You’re young and can do better. Dump the chump.

Good post by @youvegottenminuteslynn

Wow, that is very disturbing. Thing is, he doubled down when you confronted him. So he believes these things to be true which suggests zero respect for women, including you. I think you are going to struggle to get past this, to be honest.

So rather than admit he was talking shit, he has come home and stood by it. He thinks having an equal, respectful relationship with a women makes him a 'beta' male. He doesnt see it as equal, he sees it as him being whipped. And so the second he tires of that, mr nice guy will vanish and mr mysoginist will appear and your life will take a very nasty turn. Run for the fucking hills!

@youvegottenminuteslynn excellent post

He thinks we're all prostitutes in waiting OP, and that prostitution is 'no effort' and that's why he's so resentful. He's resentful that women have this delightful, easy back-up plan. I would suggest that if he wants security, he should walk into a local brothel and copy some of these women by hiring himself out to male punters who'd quite like his ass. Will he do that???? No he fucking wouldn't.

Spot on. Absolutely this.

Lucky us, to have men willing to violently fuck us for money.

That's how you know that it's a woman's world - because obviously thats exactly the kind of gift we would bestow on ourselves... it's laughable - the logic doesn't make any sense!!!

He's such a fucking idiot OP, on top of being aggressively misogynist. It's a thin line between his attitude to women as a whole and enabling / facilitating / enacting damaging behaviour to individual women.

Bloody good job you took a look!

I know it’s your real life and it’s horrible for you right now, but you have a whole wonderful future ahead of you.

Now you won’t waste any more of it on this knobhead who dreams of living in Gilead.

Just reread how young you are and that you've only been with him for three years.

Please, please... run.