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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP's questionable posts

162 replies

RollLikeThunder · 25/06/2021 21:20

I've been with DP since our final year at university and we've been together for 3 years. He's always had a Reddit account and over the years he's sent me numerous links of posts he's made about our dog. This morning, I was looking to commission a picture of our dog into some artwork, and as I didn't have a copy of the picture, decided to have a look at his account to see if I could find it so I could surprise him with the final product.

I saw, amongst others, posts about how a woman's value in a relationship is her attractiveness while a man's is his bank account, how he doesn't understand why men oppose feminism because feminism has brought us only fans, how there's a reason women's earning power peaks at 38 while men's stand at 49, how women love objectifying themselves but cry when men do it to them etc. I know it's his account as his most recent post was about a vet appointment our dog had.

He's never voiced anything even remotely like this to me and he's made questionable jokes but I've always called him out on them and he's always apologised afterwards. Surely this is red flag though?!?

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 26/06/2021 14:40

I don't know. I love DP we're finetogether but things about men get on my nerves. A lot.

So if he saw what I wrote about men on MN at times for example I doubt he'd be pleased. Even though I'm not talking to or about him, it may sound "All Men".

You'll probably get told yeah it's a red flag and to leave him but I'm sure women here write stuff about men that their man would find disparaging. They just know very well he won't see what they write.

He is off-key in what he's said but why can't you chat with him about it?

Generally you'd likely be very surprised what views people hold behind closed doors/when they think they're away from prying eyes/anonymous anyway

Deadringer · 26/06/2021 14:46

His views are disgusting. He is happy to be a 'beta' while you are young and pretty, but what about in a few years when you 'hit the wall' or if you gain weight? He will think that you have tricked him somehow, a bait and switch, because to red pillers women only have value if they are sexually attractive. Yet they deeply resent the fact that they find women attractive. Men like this should stay away from women. You deserve better.

billy1966 · 26/06/2021 14:49

OP,

The old saying really applies here.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them".

This is NOT a man you want in your life longterm

Cut him and his views loose.
He sounds like a woman hater.

Not a man you want to be pregnant and vulnerable with.

Scary.
Flowers

MarshmallowAra · 26/06/2021 14:51

@Deadringer

His views are disgusting. He is happy to be a 'beta' while you are young and pretty, but what about in a few years when you 'hit the wall' or if you gain weight? He will think that you have tricked him somehow, a bait and switch, because to red pillers women only have value if they are sexually attractive. Yet they deeply resent the fact that they find women attractive. Men like this should stay away from women. You deserve better.
Yep.

This guy is deep in the red pill cult by the sound of it.

He clearly lacks the critical thinking skills, sense, well adjustedness etc not to get pulled in and stay in.

Woman's world - yeeaaah.

So he's ok with being a beta - the lower of the two groups red pillers divide men into. A "beta provider'. I bet he doesn't even provide, I bet you pay 50/50 so he can't even get that right.

He's a bit bonkers isn't he.

spongedog · 26/06/2021 14:52

another woman in her 50's posting.

You are lucky in a strange way that he revealed his real views. That level of resentment only gets deeper. Believe me trying to divorce a man like that with DC is horrid. Their bitterness that you knew nothing about because of their dishonesty and fakeness is horrible to be on the receiving end of.

Please do not listen to their fake excuses.

VerticalHorizon · 26/06/2021 14:53

I think there's a difference...

Yes, women can be highly critical of men, often justifiably so, but men DO threaten woman, and DO act like asses a hell of a lot.

There is nothing wrong with being critical of women, or a specific woman in context... not in anger, and with a view to being constructive. We shouldn't live in a world where criticism isn't allowed. This is hugely different though. This isn't a few men moaning about women, in a wider context of a world where they also praise them. It's about a genuinely misguided belief that women have it easy and that they can use sex to advance themselves, or get out of trouble - when in reality, it's sex that so often is the motivation for women being oppressed, mistreated, abused, exploited...

If a woman had a pathological hatred of men, or set up a man hating forum, then she'd be equally worthy of criticism. I think that's a far cry from slagging off men in short bursts and in a wider context of supporting them too.

MarshmallowAra · 26/06/2021 14:55

And yes red pillers view of women is entirely youth and looks based.. apparently women are worth nothing after ... the age changes as anything from 19 to 35, then all the power is with men. Apparently.
This is when they get their revenge for all the "hot girls" who turned them down. By the way girls are rated 1 - 10 too and talked about constantly as a score.

The funny part is when they moan about hot girls being shallow and going for alphas - while they themselves are in fact shallow and going after girls they consider hot.

MarshmallowAra · 26/06/2021 14:59

The guys on the forum I frequented constantly told any females that if they were over 25 they were past it/lower value and no high status man would ever want you etc etc. You were also past optimum child bearing age and dried up ... I laughed my ass off at their horror and vitriol when Prince Harry hooked up with a 35/36 yr old woman, two yrs older than him and they then proceeded to have kids quickly.
He was quickly decided to be a victim of mental illness and witchcraft etc.

VerticalHorizon · 26/06/2021 15:01

Alphas and betas - they are such male constructs. It's utterly pathetic and cringeworthy - not only towards women, but towards themselves.

They've totally bought into some sexualised view of the entire world where women judge men in the same way so many men judge women. It's flabbergastingly narcissistic and misogynistic.

A suspect Alpha and Beta are about as far as they reached in learning the alphabet.

VerticalHorizon · 26/06/2021 15:01

*I suspect

TheDevils · 26/06/2021 15:05

It's a women's world?!?! Is he having a fucking laugh??

He's also using red pill/inception language which is very worrying.

I was talking about this with DH this morning ( he's a full on feminist and it's my favourite thing about him) and I was saying how concerned I am about the prevalence of these types of views. It seems like there are a number of men who are threatened by women's push for equality and this is their reaction.
I read Laura's Bates' book Men who Hate Women recently - it's frightening.

Fireflygal · 26/06/2021 15:19

@VerticalHorizon, thanks for posting and reassuring that decent men do exist.

@spongdog, the covert types are the worse and definitely more dangerous. Op may never had known had she not seen his online activity.

NotAllTheOnesWhoWanderAreLost · 26/06/2021 15:23

He had managed to hide his true colours well.
Unfortunately for him, he got busted.
Fortunately for you, you now know what he thinks of women.

I’m sorry @RollLikeThunder. It’s a crap way to find out.

jsp5642 · 26/06/2021 15:23

It sounds as though he is having a very hard time. Is there any chance of giving him some sympathy and talking through it with him instead of us?

Lotsolove · 26/06/2021 15:30

I didn't have a copy of the picture, decided to have a look at his account to see if I could find it

Sure Jan!

TheDevils · 26/06/2021 15:37

@jsp5642

It sounds as though he is having a very hard time. Is there any chance of giving him some sympathy and talking through it with him instead of us?
Have you posted on the wrong thread?
VerticalHorizon · 26/06/2021 15:38

Lots of decent men exist. Not perfect men, just essentially decent.

Men can make sexist comments without thinking. It's not 'right', but it's not always coming from a deliberately vindictive, or sexist place, just out of ignorance, or carelessness. That's the humanity in us all that says and does things we shouldn't.

Stopping to think about our thoughts and actions is a step forward. Changing them is better still.

Sexism is all around us. From 'women can't drive' to 'men drive too fast'. We often think nothing of it because we trivialise it. It almost becomes normalised.

But it's actually not too many steps from 'women can't drive' to 'because they aren't as capable as men', and a few steps more to 'because ultimately men are superior, physically and mentally'. Of course, it's utter bullshit, but it really doesn't take long for impressionable idiots to think this way.

I'm not actually convinced the dislike or hatred of women is all about feeling threatened. I think plenty of it is related to boys being utterly indoctrinated with the belief they need to be 'manly' (measured in very male terms). Reducing women helps some men feel they are impressing other men, or making themselves feel superior towards someone, because they feel inferior to many other men. Ultimately, the reasons are probably quite complex.

I have many many faults, but I don't dislike women, so it's hard for me to see that perspective. I dislike some women and some men, because I don't like them as people, but that's different.

In my view, if you like the opposite sex, and you want to understand and enjoy their difference, you have to open up to them, and let them open up to you. Not always easy, but there is nothing as intimate as bearing your soul, and understanding that the worst that can happen is she might ridicule you. For her, the worst that might happen is you'll hurt her emotionally, physically, or worse - because it's really NOT a woman's world.

cupoftea2021 · 26/06/2021 15:39

Please do not breed with this clown.
If he is influenced in a toxic work environment he will thrive in that mentality... I guess it is time for you to know and accept this is your partners mentality and thoughts or grab your dog and leave.
His response to you finding it is classic.

Deathgrip · 26/06/2021 15:39

@RollLikeThunder

He came home drunk/hungover this morning crying and said he snapped because he was so frustrated at how it's a women's world and there's nothing he can do to change it. And then he said he didn't mind being a 'beta' to me if I wanted whatever the hell that means. Have walked the dog straight to my parent's house as I can't be arsed at the moment to be honest.
Fucking hell. A woman’s world. What alternate universe are these fuckers living in?
georgarina · 26/06/2021 15:46

Jesus Christ.

This is like being black and finding out your partner is in the KKK...good you found out now when you can make a quick escape.

Crazy it never came out before though.

ChuckNoWorriesMyWay · 26/06/2021 15:49

Wow. No, I couldn't be with a man like this.

How you doing OP. Must be such a shock to realise you don't know him at all.

Nancydrawn · 26/06/2021 15:53

Oh, no. As others have said, he's been sucked into the red pill world. "Beta" is 100% red pill language (also incel-adjacent).

It's a deeply harmful, misogynistic, and toxic way of looking at the world. It's also one where there's genuinely no respect for women: they are something to be won or to be loathed, not to be treated like actual humans.

It's also really dangerous: once women are dehumanized, they can be treated really badly. In the most extreme examples (and I'm not saying this is your bf), it can lead to serious violence.

I'm sorry, OP.

RollLikeThunder · 26/06/2021 15:53

The thing is he's not like this day to day! Granted we've been a bit distant the past year as we've both probably spent more time on our phones or watching Netflix instead of talking to each other like we did before but it's a shock.

OP posts:
CardinalLolzy · 26/06/2021 15:56

Ah yes, a woman's world, where two women a week are killed by their current/former partners, just in England & Wales I believe.

Male violence permeates everything.

I bang on about this sometimes but think for a moment about what our world would look like with male violence brought down to the level of women's violence. Our healthcare, crime, mental health services, social services - everything is affected.

OP don't worry that this is 'not enough' or something to leave him for - it absolutely is. It's something rotten in him. We all think some idiotic things in our 20s but to double down like this is not a good sign.

CardinalLolzy · 26/06/2021 15:58

The book 'Men Who Hate Women' by Laura Bates might be an eye-opener. I know most people won't bother looking up a physical book but there's some info here I urge everyone to read.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/aug/27/laura-bates-on-the-men-who-hate-women-idolise-murderers