Boyfriend & His Housemate HELP

[jseekinganswers]

Hello everyone!

I'm having a bit of a mare at the moment with my boyfriend (Ben) of a year's new housemate to the point we're on the verge of breaking up & need some advice, please :)

A bit of background info - he currently lives with one other guy and two girls. One of the girls I get on really well with and the other Sophie is the one I'm having an issue with.

I'm a super awkward person when I first meet people and usually after a few drinks my confident chatty side comes out.

The first time I met Sophie we weren't drinking and we barely spoke. It was super awkward (from both of our perspectives) but I got a bit annoyed because whenever I left the room she'd get all chatty and giggly with Ben. So instantly there's a bit of a weird vibe I've got from her.

So then for the next month or so, I invited their whole house to drinks at mine at least once or twice a week (we're quite a social house) including my birthday party and Sophie didn't once came. We had a bottomless brunch booked for my birthday and a spare ticket, she said she would only come if she didn't have to pay for the ticket (so I would be paying for her lol).

During this time she told her house that she thought I hated her and my boyfriend gave me quite a hard time saying I needed to make more effort. We then spent a lot of nights arguing as I felt like I was making the effort to invite her all the time but she just never came. I also didn't feel comfortable going to theirs as she'd been saying that I didn't like her etc and was just super awkward. I also texted her saying sorry it's super awkward, theres no drama I'm a bit shy and invited her to a big girls brunch we're organising.

Fast forward to my birthday, and I get their guy housemate coming at me saying this is all my fault and made me cry - I again just continued to say I have literally invited her to everything I'm not sure how that screams I hate you...

About a week later I went to Ben's for the first time since I first met Sophie and it was just the two of us there. I was only there for a few hours then left again. The next morning she apparently caused a scene with the other two (Ben was at mine by this point) claiming someone had been in her room asking if I'd been there. I didn't go in her room and noone else came in or out of the house between us leaving and her coming back later that night so she's either super forgetful or is making it up.

Ben and I again had arguments about it as he just doesn't stick up for me! If one of my housemates was blaming him for something I know he didn't do I'd fight to the death for his cause and have his back!!!

Anyways so last weekend they had a bbq at theirs. We all imagined that this would be the perfect opportunity for us to just get to know each other and put it to bed but instead, the minute I got into their house and was saying hello's she walked out of the room. I then went into the other room to say hi and hug her but she avoided me for the rest of the evening. Later that night she had a massive fight with the other guy and girl that live there as she was refusing to help clear up (me and Ben had gone by this point) and was threatening to move out.

Her moving out would have been perfect, but now it looks like her words were empty and she's here to stay.

My boyfriend finally saw she was actually being a bit childish and had a kind word with her, to which she then invited me and the girls i live with out for dinner (no mention of an apology or it being awkward). He now thinks she's an angel for making the effort (this is infuriating for me since when I was making a lot of effort it was never enough).

So basically now I feel like it's too late for dinner, if she struggled to say hi to me how can she expect to sit and eat a meal with me lol. I've kind of come to the end and don't want anything to do with her, but it's causing me and Ben massive issues. He obviously wants to be friendly with her but I really struggle and feel like he's taking her 'side' and hasn't got my back.

What should I do?

Sorry for the SUPER long message!

Also we're 26 (suprising given how immature this all is)

[mimi0708]

to be honest, i'd dump Ben now and move on. He seems hard work and it's too much drama. There are others out there who will actually care about your feelings too before their housemates.

[Booger123]

You are 26, it is time to cut and run.

Ben is having free for alls with the flat mate and gaslighting you for sport.

[Guavafish]

Sounds like you both don’t like each other and it’s compounded with a bad first impression, misunderstanding and probably jealousy. I think it’s best to avoid her. Just be polite and formal. I don’t understand why you have to invite her your social events - she’s you’re BF house mate not your best friend.

[FunMcCool]

He doesn’t have your back. Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t support you? What’s the point of a long term monogynous relationship if you don’t have a future? You don’t have a Sophie problem you have a boyfriend problem.

[WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld]

Dump him, stop saying super and learn that opinions are not trolling

[Graphista]

Wow!

I'm wondering if the real names of the people involved are Ross, Julie and Rachel - and you're Julie!

He's not having your back though and he should be. I'd bin him off and not be at all surprised if he then gets together with her!

She definitely has feelings for him, his lack of addressing this suggests they may be reciprocated even if he hasn't acted on them

[Changechangychange]

DH had a housemate like that. She totally fancied him. He kept trying to make me keep the peace with her because essentially, he took me for granted and thought I’d put up with being treated like shit, but wasn’t confident that she would. So he thought he needed to keep her happy, but didn’t think he needed to put any effort into keeping me happy.

Anyway, I called his bluff and had a tantrum about how this girl was treating me and he was allowing it, stormed off, turned my phone off and made him sweat a bit, and once he realised he did actually have to expend some energy in keeping me happy and couldn’t just expect me to put up with being insulted by his random housemates, he stepped up, told her to fuck off, and she moved out shortly afterwards. Have not had to do anything similar in the 20 years since.

So yeah, make your boyfriend’s life more of a misery than this other chick currently is, and he’ll see the advantages of supporting you over her.

[Lazyi]

Just go for dinner with her, what have you got to lose

[QueenBee52]

You are not his priority

[MrsBobDylan]

Ben and Sophie are having lots of fun flirting with each other. Him being in a relationship with you is making it much more illicit and exciting for them.

Dump Ben.

[Nicolastuffedone]

This all sounds super silly

[BunnyRuddington]

You and your boyfriend are arguing. He takes her side. You say he thinks she's an angel.

If they're not snagging now they soon will be.

I'd walk.

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

You need to speak to your bf and ask -

Why he keeps pushing you to be friends with someone who has been rude to you. I get in a shared house it can be awkward with different peoples partners but being polite and civil and friendly should be enough - you dont have to actually be friends

Why he didnt back you up when you've done nothing wrong, being a bit shy isnt a personality flaw

What effort you specifically should have made over and above inviting someone that was rude to you to celebrate your birthday, which most people wouldnt have done

Why he doesnt stick up for you when she is being rude to you and why is he seemingly ok with his Male housemate having a go at you til you cry about a situation you have no control over.

If he is still desperate for you both to be friends (and why would he want this, he has only known her a few months) why is he placing all the emphasis on you instead of her?

I think it would be best if you accept you are not going to be friends with her and stop making any effort. She sounds like a game player. She clearly doesnt want to be friends with you. You're wasting your time. And your bf can accept this or not and then he needs to decide whether having a gf that isnt friends with his housemate is better or worse than not having a gf at all.

[midsomermurderess]

'Stop saying super': yes, yes yes. You might find you attract a less dim, more adult sort of friend.

[HappyCamperT5]

@Nicolastuffedone

This all sounds super silly

😂😂😂

[Miljea]

@jseekinganswers

We all have different life paths - didn't post to get trolled, just looking for advice :)

Sorry, OP, didn't read beyond this, that you wrote.

So yes, possibly lots of developments I can't be arsed reading as this level of drama in 26 year olds is frankly, embarrassing- but....

You aren't 'being trolled', you're being told home truths that you need to be aware of.

My reading is that Sophie wants you gone and your BF isn't fighting that hard to keep you.

At 26, you should have the maturity to get this for yourself.

[airbags]

You sound like a bunch of "super" silly 20 year olds and all need to grow up!
you don't need to all be friends and you don't need to have a relationship with his flatmates.

She's not your friend, he hasn't got your back. You all coming into contact is short lived and only due to house shares - not important in the grand scheme of things.

If he is more supportive of her then move on and find some more grown up company whilst you're at it. For 26 you appear very immature.

[SarahDarah]

This. You sound like you're all about 18, living in first year dorms?

Just ditch him OP. Sounds like your boyfriend may like Sophie and wants to string both of you along as he loves two women fighting over him. Keep your dignity and walk away.

[strawberryfelineforever]

I don’t see why it’s that important for you to have any kind of relationship with his housemates or have to spend this much time with them. I get that with lockdowns people have has less of a social life out of the home but it sounds a bit too enmeshed. I think you should do more couple type stuff together instead of having to keep involving the housemates.

[ThatOtherPoster]

For everyone saying this sounds immature, I was in an almost identical situation with my brother and his utterly batshit GF. And they’re 52. 😬

It’s not about age. Sophie will be like this forever. Agree with the narc comment upthread.

OP, I’m sure you feel like you’re going bad. You’re not. Sophie is twisting everything you do/say or don’t do/say in ways that don’t make sense. She’s insane. My brother’s batshit GF tells him I don’t like her. When I pointed out I’d sent her cards, presents snd homemade stuff all the years id known her, she said I’d only done that to pretend I liked her… I bowed out at that point. You can’t argue with crazy.

My brother is weak like your Ben. Leave and find someone better. You don’t need this shite. :)

[GinTonicIce]

I don’t think Ben wants to shag Sophie but I think he’s a wuss & I understand why. He has to live with her.

Why not just have him over to yours & keep your distance from his place? No drama just a peaceful life?

[NameChange2PostThis]

@Nicolastuffedone

This all sounds super silly

Wish there was a like button on MN

[Suzi888]

@MangosteenSoda

Either there’s been something between them in the past, or she wants there to be now.

He’s not exactly covering himself in glory because it seems that he likes having the two of you fawn over him.

I’d either call it a day with Ben, or if you really think it’s worth the effort, have one serious conversation with him and make it the last one.
Basically, you are friendly to all of his housemates including Sophie, and that’s that. You don’t need to have a personal relationship with her (meals out etc) and don’t need to invite her to things unless it’s a full house affair. However Sophie acts is all on her and you don’t need to worry about it. I wouldn’t engage any further than being normally pleasant.

If there’s still trouble, it’s because your bf is encouraging it. Maybe ask him directly if they have a history. And if they have, why on earth is he pressuring you to be friends with her when she obviously resents you?

^ this

But personally I couldn’t be bothered with all the drama involved!

[mrsstyles]

@jseekinganswers

Update - they don't have any history with each other and only met in April when she moved in (Spare Room jobby)

This April? as in 2-3 months ago? And he's taking her side over you?

I wouldn't even class someone as a close friend by that point so either he's loving the drama, something is going on between them, or he's witnessed it and genuinely thinks you're the one being rude to her

[Sillawithans]

They've shagged.