Boyfriend & His Housemate HELP

[jseekinganswers]

Hello everyone!

I'm having a bit of a mare at the moment with my boyfriend (Ben) of a year's new housemate to the point we're on the verge of breaking up & need some advice, please :)

A bit of background info - he currently lives with one other guy and two girls. One of the girls I get on really well with and the other Sophie is the one I'm having an issue with.

I'm a super awkward person when I first meet people and usually after a few drinks my confident chatty side comes out.

The first time I met Sophie we weren't drinking and we barely spoke. It was super awkward (from both of our perspectives) but I got a bit annoyed because whenever I left the room she'd get all chatty and giggly with Ben. So instantly there's a bit of a weird vibe I've got from her.

So then for the next month or so, I invited their whole house to drinks at mine at least once or twice a week (we're quite a social house) including my birthday party and Sophie didn't once came. We had a bottomless brunch booked for my birthday and a spare ticket, she said she would only come if she didn't have to pay for the ticket (so I would be paying for her lol).

During this time she told her house that she thought I hated her and my boyfriend gave me quite a hard time saying I needed to make more effort. We then spent a lot of nights arguing as I felt like I was making the effort to invite her all the time but she just never came. I also didn't feel comfortable going to theirs as she'd been saying that I didn't like her etc and was just super awkward. I also texted her saying sorry it's super awkward, theres no drama I'm a bit shy and invited her to a big girls brunch we're organising.

Fast forward to my birthday, and I get their guy housemate coming at me saying this is all my fault and made me cry - I again just continued to say I have literally invited her to everything I'm not sure how that screams I hate you...

About a week later I went to Ben's for the first time since I first met Sophie and it was just the two of us there. I was only there for a few hours then left again. The next morning she apparently caused a scene with the other two (Ben was at mine by this point) claiming someone had been in her room asking if I'd been there. I didn't go in her room and noone else came in or out of the house between us leaving and her coming back later that night so she's either super forgetful or is making it up.

Ben and I again had arguments about it as he just doesn't stick up for me! If one of my housemates was blaming him for something I know he didn't do I'd fight to the death for his cause and have his back!!!

Anyways so last weekend they had a bbq at theirs. We all imagined that this would be the perfect opportunity for us to just get to know each other and put it to bed but instead, the minute I got into their house and was saying hello's she walked out of the room. I then went into the other room to say hi and hug her but she avoided me for the rest of the evening. Later that night she had a massive fight with the other guy and girl that live there as she was refusing to help clear up (me and Ben had gone by this point) and was threatening to move out.

Her moving out would have been perfect, but now it looks like her words were empty and she's here to stay.

My boyfriend finally saw she was actually being a bit childish and had a kind word with her, to which she then invited me and the girls i live with out for dinner (no mention of an apology or it being awkward). He now thinks she's an angel for making the effort (this is infuriating for me since when I was making a lot of effort it was never enough).

So basically now I feel like it's too late for dinner, if she struggled to say hi to me how can she expect to sit and eat a meal with me lol. I've kind of come to the end and don't want anything to do with her, but it's causing me and Ben massive issues. He obviously wants to be friendly with her but I really struggle and feel like he's taking her 'side' and hasn't got my back.

What should I do?

Sorry for the SUPER long message!

Also we're 26 (suprising given how immature this all is)

[HappyCamperT5]

@WeirdArchitecture I wasn't trying to make anyone jealous .. I didn't life plan.. it just turned out the way it did. I just said I couldn't relate to OP because she is 26 and acting like a teenager. It doesn't sound like she's having much fun to me.

[Immunetypegoblin]

Just stop bothering, with him and her. I was engaged to a guy like this and he was forever concerned with the feelings of every woman in the world other than me. It was funny how I suddenly became the most important one once I'd dumped him seriously, he's not a keeper based in this, is he.

[TellmewhoIam]

Maybe being a social group happened because of lockdown? There is no reason to hang out with EVERYONE unless it's that you have nobody else left because of bubbling.

If Ben can't be a couple with you, which includes working on a relationship of no more than 2 people and putting you first, call time! Though maybe tell him what you want for you and him rather than talk AT ALL about what anyone wants or doesn't want from Sophie. There could be many Sophies over the next few years if you're living in an expensive place and need to go on sharing.

[BirthdayCakeBelly]

She only moved in in April but you’ve been together a year and a half?
That makes absolutely no sense then why he would be taking her side. Also aren’t his friends established friends of yours? Why would they believe her after knowing her 2 months when you’ve been in his life 18 months?

Until I heard she moved in in April I was thinking dump Ben for being disloyal and not supporting you.

Now I’m thinking he’s cheated.

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

If you split with Ben I give it three months before he’s shacked up with Sophie.
Honestly, he ain’t worth it.

[candyflossss]

do you think he isnt actively taking your side because he is worried the rest of his housemates will turn on him? and of course, he has to deal with them all the time.

also, has he mentioned that he has an issue with your shyness before? I only ask because I have an extremely shy friend and her boyfriend gets very irritated with her (unfairly of course! we are who we are after all!) at times.

I would feel hurt though, the things I have listed above is just me musing why I think he might not of defended you. I don't immediately jump to the conclusion hes cheating based on what you've said.

much more likely he wants to avoid confrontation with the people he is living with.

[LalalalalalaLand123]

He doesn't have your back. That's the bottom line.
So what's the point of him?
Get rid and find someone who actually likes you and cares about you. Life's far too short to waste time with someone who doesn't really care about you.

[ViewFromTheSteeple]

Short version Ben and I again had arguments about it as he just doesn't stick up for me this is all you need to know. The whole Sophie thing is just a distraction.

You are not his priority, he sides with others against you. I would dump him and move on. Sophie loves the drama, loves playing the damsel in distress. He should have your back and doesn't.

[Tacono1]

I second Immunetypegoblin and OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow
Let them get on with it and find a partner who will put you first.

[MrMeSeeks]

Sorry i just don't believe nothing has happened between the two of them.
There’s a reason he won’t stick up for you…or he’s just shit, either way dump him he’s not worth it.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@Bunnyfuller

and I’m not entirely sure why you all live in huge house shares, like students.

I know right, ugh people without enough money to have their own place are the worst huh? 🙄

[MizMoonshine]

There's nothing that you can do. Not if you want to remain in a relationship with Ben.
He's choosing Sophie over you. He's putting her comfort before yours.
It's a year in, leave him before you are tied to him.

[Mamanyt]

OK...here is what you now know...this man will take his friends' part before yours no matter what the circumstances. He knows you. He knows you are uncomfortably shy with new people. HE should have explained this to Sophie.

Did he sleep with Sophie at some point, before or after your relationship with him? Who knows, and I would not even go there.

Fact of the matter is, he did NOT stick up for you. He left you hanging in the wind, and took up for a housemate instead. That tells me all I need to know about this relationship. It is not going to get better.

There are men out there who will treat you better than this. My advice is to wait for one of them. OR go actively seek one!

[fruitbrewhaha]

He's not a keeper OP. He is too concerned with trying to please his housemates and be cool and keep the peace than take you side.

As pp have stated, you don't have to be friends with everyone. It's nice to make an effort with housemates but all this inviting everyone to social events etc is not normal after uni. It all sounds like hard work.

[KarmaViolet]

It is all very immature and you know that. But maturity isn't going to help Ben's fundamental problem which is that he expects his girlfriend to be over-accommodating in order to make his life easy - in this case, for an easy life in the house he shares.

Even if she left the house this is not a behaviour pattern he is likely to lose. Was / is his mum a bit of a martyr and he's grown up expecting that the woman in a relationship puts everybody else's interests before hers?

[Bunnyfuller]

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Emphasis on ‘huge’ rather than ‘houseshare’

[GameSetMatch]

I’d go to the dinner and be really kind about it, she obviously wants you to kick off and not go. I’d be overly kind and nice until she breaks!

[cakewench]

She fancies him, he fancies her, or both, but this isn't normal behaviour and there's no reason to keep putting up with it. He thinks her invitation is amazing and lovely but your constant invitations to her don't count for anything? Come on.

It won't change. You won't get any advice here which will change her behaviour or his feelings towards it.

I also suspect this isn't the response you want but it's the one you'll be getting. Please listen! You're young (but, I might add, way too fucking old for this shit ), cut your losses and move on.

[optimistic40]

Sounds a bit much trying to force a friendship here. if I were you I'd be polite friendly and civil and let her get on with it. It's ridiculous for this person to take over your relationship. Don't talk about her with your boyfriend either. If she's a difficult person it will be much easier for everyone to see that if you're not going on about it.

[SirVixofVixHall]

@Notaroadrunner

Why on earth are you all so entwined in each other's lives? I'd understand it more if you were all late teens, early 20's in student accommodation but by 26 surely you all have your own set of friends and don't have to rely on being pally with your partners housemates. It's fair to be civil but other than that you don't need to have anything to do with the woman, let alone be inviting her to your birthday etc.

As for your bf, I'd be looking for another one if he's so concerned about this woman!

Yes this.
You are 26 ! All actual adults, but your post reads as though you are 19 .
Why in earth do you all spend so much “super social” time together ? Why would you try and hug someone you don’t know at all and who demonstrably doesn’t like you ?
Isn’t life in your twenties challenging enough without making this enormous drama out of nothing at all ? It is exhausting just reading about it. Ben sounds about 12. You all need to grow up a bit by the sound of it.
Just be polite and neutral, and otherwise ignore annoying flatmate. You aren’t in school all stuck in the same class, you can potter off and do your own thing.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

[quote Bunnyfuller]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Emphasis on ‘huge’ rather than ‘houseshare’[/quote]
Four people in a house isn't a 'huge' house share, it's not a commune!

[Higgeldypiggeldy35]

You're in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. It's really not meant to be this hard. I would move on if I were you

[LemonSwan]

I wouldnt worry about it. Just forget about it and move on. If he brings it up again just say you tried but shes clearly crazy. You are not interested in a friendship with her but happy to invite her to all house events and be amicable. That's that. Take it or leave it Ben

[me4real]

I wouldn't go to things at theirs in future as it doesn't sound like you enjoy it when you go, and she's accusing you of doing dodgy stuff while you're in the house.

I wouldn't want to go out for a meal with her either.

She's not likely to come round to yours as she never has, thank god.

@jseekinganswers Have his other housemates known her longer than Ben has?

I would just pray that she moves out soon.

But I think I would dump Ben really as it sounds like there have been a lot of arguments between the two of you, too.

[Subbaxeo]

@username059471

OP he doesn't have your back. There's nothing to argue about as far as I can see, they aren't his family they are just people he lives with. Don't go there if it's awkward and just avoid them. I don't get all the drama. If my flatmates were making it awkward for me to have my boyfriend there, I'd move out. You don't have to be friends with some random strangers just because he lives with them. If he is basing the relationship on you getting on with his flatmates I'd tell him to fuck off as he's obviously mad.

Absolutely this. You don’t owe them anything apart from a polite face. You don’t have to massively socialise with them. I thought she was a close friend of his until I read she’d only moved in a met them a few months ago. It sounds as if he wants the type of life he had at uni (if he went), not at 26.