Boyfriend & His Housemate HELP

[jseekinganswers]

Hello everyone!

I'm having a bit of a mare at the moment with my boyfriend (Ben) of a year's new housemate to the point we're on the verge of breaking up & need some advice, please :)

A bit of background info - he currently lives with one other guy and two girls. One of the girls I get on really well with and the other Sophie is the one I'm having an issue with.

I'm a super awkward person when I first meet people and usually after a few drinks my confident chatty side comes out.

The first time I met Sophie we weren't drinking and we barely spoke. It was super awkward (from both of our perspectives) but I got a bit annoyed because whenever I left the room she'd get all chatty and giggly with Ben. So instantly there's a bit of a weird vibe I've got from her.

So then for the next month or so, I invited their whole house to drinks at mine at least once or twice a week (we're quite a social house) including my birthday party and Sophie didn't once came. We had a bottomless brunch booked for my birthday and a spare ticket, she said she would only come if she didn't have to pay for the ticket (so I would be paying for her lol).

During this time she told her house that she thought I hated her and my boyfriend gave me quite a hard time saying I needed to make more effort. We then spent a lot of nights arguing as I felt like I was making the effort to invite her all the time but she just never came. I also didn't feel comfortable going to theirs as she'd been saying that I didn't like her etc and was just super awkward. I also texted her saying sorry it's super awkward, theres no drama I'm a bit shy and invited her to a big girls brunch we're organising.

Fast forward to my birthday, and I get their guy housemate coming at me saying this is all my fault and made me cry - I again just continued to say I have literally invited her to everything I'm not sure how that screams I hate you...

About a week later I went to Ben's for the first time since I first met Sophie and it was just the two of us there. I was only there for a few hours then left again. The next morning she apparently caused a scene with the other two (Ben was at mine by this point) claiming someone had been in her room asking if I'd been there. I didn't go in her room and noone else came in or out of the house between us leaving and her coming back later that night so she's either super forgetful or is making it up.

Ben and I again had arguments about it as he just doesn't stick up for me! If one of my housemates was blaming him for something I know he didn't do I'd fight to the death for his cause and have his back!!!

Anyways so last weekend they had a bbq at theirs. We all imagined that this would be the perfect opportunity for us to just get to know each other and put it to bed but instead, the minute I got into their house and was saying hello's she walked out of the room. I then went into the other room to say hi and hug her but she avoided me for the rest of the evening. Later that night she had a massive fight with the other guy and girl that live there as she was refusing to help clear up (me and Ben had gone by this point) and was threatening to move out.

Her moving out would have been perfect, but now it looks like her words were empty and she's here to stay.

My boyfriend finally saw she was actually being a bit childish and had a kind word with her, to which she then invited me and the girls i live with out for dinner (no mention of an apology or it being awkward). He now thinks she's an angel for making the effort (this is infuriating for me since when I was making a lot of effort it was never enough).

So basically now I feel like it's too late for dinner, if she struggled to say hi to me how can she expect to sit and eat a meal with me lol. I've kind of come to the end and don't want anything to do with her, but it's causing me and Ben massive issues. He obviously wants to be friendly with her but I really struggle and feel like he's taking her 'side' and hasn't got my back.

What should I do?

Sorry for the SUPER long message!

Also we're 26 (suprising given how immature this all is)

[Unanananana]

He sounds like he is loving the attention of you both scrapping over him. I wouldn't give either if them the satisfaction.

Do the dignified thing and extract yourself from the drama and leave them to it. Honestly, it sounds like you all nedd to grow up a bit!

[username059471]

The whole thing is bonkers. Why the fuck do you need to invite this woman to your house? She's a random stranger who has been living with your boyfriend for a few months.

As a lovely lady once said, WHO IS SHEEEEE?!!!!!!

[Midnightballerina]

Is the answer Hollyoaks?

[PassionfruitOrangeGuava]

I think it's really weird that you're trying so, so hard to get this woman to like you... texting her saying you're just shy and there's no drama, going to find her to hug her, inviting her places...

It sounds like you've fallen prey to a common fallacy: the idea that everyone in a social group has to get along and be invited to everything. There's absolutely no reason that you need to be friends with Sophie just because she's a housemate of Ben's. They're housemates, a spare room job, not best friends forever. You are perfectly capable of having a superficially friendly/civil relationship with her. You go over, she's there, you say hey and carry on what you're doing. You spend time in his bedroom together instead of out in the open areas. You have an event, you invite the people you actually like and who you want to spend time with instead of literally everyone in either house.

I cannot understand this level of drama or neediness.

He obviously wants to be friendly with her but I really struggle and feel like he's taking her 'side' and hasn't got my back.

That's fine, he can be friendly or friends with her. You don't have to be. He doesn't have to ice her out to be loyal to you. They live together.

He now thinks she's an angel for making the effort (this is infuriating for me since when I was making a lot of effort it was never enough).

He clearly really likes her and sees a different side to her, that's okay. You don't have to be friends with her.

Is this really some deep jealousy and insecurity or something that you feel uncertain that they won't snog when you're away because they get on well and are under the same roof spending day to day life together and you feel like it's less likely to happen if she is also friends with you because that's one extra bond that makes it less likely they'll do something?

[Notaroadrunner]

Why on earth are you all so entwined in each other's lives? I'd understand it more if you were all late teens, early 20's in student accommodation but by 26 surely you all have your own set of friends and don't have to rely on being pally with your partners housemates. It's fair to be civil but other than that you don't need to have anything to do with the woman, let alone be inviting her to your birthday etc.

As for your bf, I'd be looking for another one if he's so concerned about this woman!

[Crunched]

Your bf has chosen his living arrangements over his relationship imo. Since your relationship is not his priority, it is probably a signal that you should move on.

[Shoxfordian]

He’s not on your side so dump him
Would all be too much drama for me

[godmum56]

sounds to me like its not the housemate who is the problem and you deserve better than what you are getting

[FlorrieLindley]

It sounds super awkward.

[User1110]

I would tell your boyfriend that you don’t have the time to keep trying with someone who you clearly don’t have anything in common with and then leave it at that. You can stay civil and literally say ‘hello’ to her when/if you go over. You don’t need to hug etc. It all sounds very forced.

Why do you even need to be friends with her anyway! She’ll probably move on within the year, house shares are rarely long term and neither you or boyfriend are likely to stay in touch if it’s a Spare Room situation, so what’s the big deal?

I would also really consider if you want to be with someone that clearly does not have your back and puts someone’s needs they met 4 months ago over yours.

[CoolCatTaco]

She sounds toxic but I suspect he's already shagged her or would like to. Even if there's nothing between them, he's shown you who he is & let you know you're not the one.

[Sakurami]

I would certainly stop making any effort with her and if you get more grief of any of them, bin your boyfriend. Never heard anything like it!

[FuckyouCovid21]

@FlorrieLindley

It sounds super awkward.

You beat me to it

[Jigglywobbly]

This is bizarre. I could understand if they were long term friends. Why does it matter if you get on ( more than just being civil) , why do you have to invite her to birthdays etc. I house shared for about a decade. My bfs rarely interacted with housemates and we stayed in my room most of the time or stayed at his or went out. This is a weird set up. I do think he’s loving all the drama. May be he knows Sophie likes him and likes winding her up.
Either way , I would tell him that you don’t want any more housemate stuff forced on you with her ( or the rest of them really!) you will be civil if you see her or there’s a party or something at his house. He should be focusing on you not this stupidness

[MaMaD1990]

I'd kill her with kindness and let her self implode. If she's already arguing with housemates about cleaning and with your bf having a word with her, it sounds like her true personality is coming out and it won't be long till the others switch on to it.

[Aquamarine1029]

You need a new boyfriend. He's taking her side when she's a brat and he barely knows her? Nope. That doesn't work. Get rid of him.

[Willowandrose]

Too much drama. If he likes you enough he will support you and help to sort it. You don’t have to get on with his housemates; you’re in a relationship with him, but I understand that’s not as easy in your 20s when you have a big social life that involves housemates. I would be miffed that he put pressure on you about it. The right guy will want to protect you from this petty crap in case it damages your relationship. My guess if they’ve had something going on in the past. Know your worth. Good luck!

[Trytothinkofaname]

1)She fancies him.
2) He fancies her and/or likes the 2 of you fighting over him.

Is he worth it? Because of 2) No.

Dump.

[ZenNudist]

1)She fancies him.
2) He fancies her and/or likes the 2 of you fighting over him.

Is he worth it? Because of 2) No.

Dump.

^This

Trust me, Ben is not your Mr Right.

[DancingKitten]

@jseekinganswers

Update - they don't have any history with each other and only met in April when she moved in (Spare Room jobby)

THIS April just gone you mean? As in, a mere 8 or 10 weeks ago?!?!

She was a total stranger before then?

[LouHotel]

Don't invite her out with your friends, keep his roommates separate or you may find she starts causing issues in your friendship group.

Greyrock the drama - your boyfriend hasn't appreciated your episodes to be friends and is clearly enjoying the drama of it all. Anytime she's mentioned keep comments passive and move the topic on. You'll find eventually that either she or your boyfriend will try to start drama where there isn't any and you'll soon realise you want out.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Ben is not that into you. He’s far too immature.

[DeclineandFall]

This post should come with a trigger warning. I flatshared from 18-30 and there was always a lunatic causing a drama. Usually a female. The lunatic men weren't drama causers they just were awful.
She'll be telling one person one thing, another another. Your bf is doing the classic male thing of trying to avoid any drama by not dealing with any of it and blaming it on all the mad women. She's probably a nascent narc.
Only one way to deal with this which is to say to your bf she's batshit and you're not having anything more to do with her because she thrives on drama and you're not interested. All this trying to make friends stuff just feeds it. Avoid her at all costs.

[omgthepain]

God how old are you all about 15!
They've clearly got history
Have some respect and leave them to it!

[SunshineCake]

I'd say you all sound immature but you know that.

She is a drama Queen. He's not got your back. I'd be walking away.