Boyfriend & His Housemate HELP

[jseekinganswers]

Hello everyone!

I'm having a bit of a mare at the moment with my boyfriend (Ben) of a year's new housemate to the point we're on the verge of breaking up & need some advice, please :)

A bit of background info - he currently lives with one other guy and two girls. One of the girls I get on really well with and the other Sophie is the one I'm having an issue with.

I'm a super awkward person when I first meet people and usually after a few drinks my confident chatty side comes out.

The first time I met Sophie we weren't drinking and we barely spoke. It was super awkward (from both of our perspectives) but I got a bit annoyed because whenever I left the room she'd get all chatty and giggly with Ben. So instantly there's a bit of a weird vibe I've got from her.

So then for the next month or so, I invited their whole house to drinks at mine at least once or twice a week (we're quite a social house) including my birthday party and Sophie didn't once came. We had a bottomless brunch booked for my birthday and a spare ticket, she said she would only come if she didn't have to pay for the ticket (so I would be paying for her lol).

During this time she told her house that she thought I hated her and my boyfriend gave me quite a hard time saying I needed to make more effort. We then spent a lot of nights arguing as I felt like I was making the effort to invite her all the time but she just never came. I also didn't feel comfortable going to theirs as she'd been saying that I didn't like her etc and was just super awkward. I also texted her saying sorry it's super awkward, theres no drama I'm a bit shy and invited her to a big girls brunch we're organising.

Fast forward to my birthday, and I get their guy housemate coming at me saying this is all my fault and made me cry - I again just continued to say I have literally invited her to everything I'm not sure how that screams I hate you...

About a week later I went to Ben's for the first time since I first met Sophie and it was just the two of us there. I was only there for a few hours then left again. The next morning she apparently caused a scene with the other two (Ben was at mine by this point) claiming someone had been in her room asking if I'd been there. I didn't go in her room and noone else came in or out of the house between us leaving and her coming back later that night so she's either super forgetful or is making it up.

Ben and I again had arguments about it as he just doesn't stick up for me! If one of my housemates was blaming him for something I know he didn't do I'd fight to the death for his cause and have his back!!!

Anyways so last weekend they had a bbq at theirs. We all imagined that this would be the perfect opportunity for us to just get to know each other and put it to bed but instead, the minute I got into their house and was saying hello's she walked out of the room. I then went into the other room to say hi and hug her but she avoided me for the rest of the evening. Later that night she had a massive fight with the other guy and girl that live there as she was refusing to help clear up (me and Ben had gone by this point) and was threatening to move out.

Her moving out would have been perfect, but now it looks like her words were empty and she's here to stay.

My boyfriend finally saw she was actually being a bit childish and had a kind word with her, to which she then invited me and the girls i live with out for dinner (no mention of an apology or it being awkward). He now thinks she's an angel for making the effort (this is infuriating for me since when I was making a lot of effort it was never enough).

So basically now I feel like it's too late for dinner, if she struggled to say hi to me how can she expect to sit and eat a meal with me lol. I've kind of come to the end and don't want anything to do with her, but it's causing me and Ben massive issues. He obviously wants to be friendly with her but I really struggle and feel like he's taking her 'side' and hasn't got my back.

What should I do?

Sorry for the SUPER long message!

Also we're 26 (suprising given how immature this all is)

[WeirdArchitecture]

@HappyCamperT5

Fgs.. by the time I was 26 I had 2 kids a husband and a mortgage so I can't relate to this at all.. but to me it sounds like you all need to grow up a bit .. sorry.

How very big of you, we are all so jealous. If only we could all be as superb at life planning as you. Why did I enjoy my twenties so much when I could have done it like you!? FGS give this lady a gold star

basically: no 1 currs.

[TonTonMacoute]

Well OP, the advice is you see the situation for what it is, all you need is the guts to explain to him that if he continues to bend over backward to be nice to her then he will lose you, and he has to choose.

Prioritising you doesn't mean he has to be unpleasant or unkind to her, he just needs to make it clear to her that you come first for him at the moment.

Sometimes people behave incredibly badly in order to get attention, it needs to be explained to them that it's not going to work.

If he doesn't manage this then you really are better off without him.

[Motherofalittledragon]

Way too much drama, and you're all 26

[Spied]

Ben doesn't have your back.
In a weird way Sophie has actually done you a favour by being the thing that has shown you this.
You deserve better.

[cameocat]

I agree that your boyfriend doesn't have your back. I'd get rid of him.

[MrsOwly]

This is way too much drama.

Why do you all have to be friends and hanging out and socialising with each other's houses?

I've lived in several houseshares and just did my own thing.

Can't you and Ben just spend time together out of their house?

[toocold54]

I’d go out for dinner with her and give it one last go. It sounds like you’ve both gotten off on the wrong foot and think the other one doesn’t like each other.
If it doesn’t work this time then just see Ben at yours and not associate with her.
At 26 though I couldn’t be bothered dealing with this drama!

[Pebbledashery]

@HappyCamperT5

Fgs.. by the time I was 26 I had 2 kids a husband and a mortgage so I can't relate to this at all.. but to me it sounds like you all need to grow up a bit .. sorry.

I concur.

[Summersnake]

He’s not got your back
Dump and run

[Confusedandshaken]

Is this man really worth the dramas? It sounds like a flat mate he barely knows is as important to him as you.

Sophie is nothing to you. She's a BF's flat mate. Her opinion of you is irrelevant. In a few years you won't even remember her name. I'm not sure why you are pursuing her favour the way you are? What does it matter if you don't get on? It would be nice to be one big happy group like Friends but it isn't essential.

Go to the dinner, maybe it will be the breakthrough you want . If it isn't tell Ben you have done your best with her but the two of you just don't get on. It's no biggy, some people just don't gel. If he can't handle that move on and find someone who puts you first.

[Bunnyfuller]

Honest opinions are not ‘trolling’ ffs.

You all sound like immature prickly primadonnas, and I’m not entirely sure why you all live in huge house shares, like students.

I say you’re all 18-20.

[BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand]

Far, far too much drama. I think you need to have a frank conversation with your bf about not pressurising you to hang out with someone just because he lives with them. You don't have to be best mates with all his housemates, it's perfectly acceptable not to be, as long as you're polite and civil.

But why did you try to hug her when she'd just walked out of the room? Why would you hug someone when you obviously don't get on?

And no, don't go to dinner. It's a shitstorm waiting to happen and there will be more drama.

[QueenBee52]

AAhhhh Ben...

He's just loving all of this isn't he...

Ben has no interest in getting shot of Sophie, so you either accept this or ditch him.

[ThePlantsitter]

@Bunnyfuller

Honest opinions are not ‘trolling’ ffs.

You all sound like immature prickly primadonnas, and I’m not entirely sure why you all live in huge house shares, like students.

I say you’re all 18-20.

It's perfectly normal to live in houseshares in your twenties. Especially in cities where rent for a single person is often more than the salary of a starter job.

[ThePlantsitter]

But yes don't go for dinner. She'll just be looking for an opportunity to tell Ben how mean you all were I expect.

[Dontate]

While I agree with most people’s opinions, there are so many unkind and unnecessary comments.

Are those real names you’re using op?

[Gilly12345]

There is history with Ben and Sophie and they probably have exchanged bodily fluids, this relationship is going to be hard work and Sophie sounds jealous, wounded and hard work.

I would walk away as this sounds very complicated and messy.

[Blossomtoes]

@Fyredraca

I don't understand why you need to all be friends to be honest.
Would probably be better if you you just didn't bother.
She doesn't like you, do you have to be best friends?

This. Can he just come to yours so you don’t have any contact with her? It all sounds exhausting.

[ChargingBuck]

and I’m not entirely sure why you all live in huge house shares, like students.

If the entirely obvious reason of money hasn't occured to you @Bunnyfuller, I'm delighted you are leading a more financially charmed life.

[WrongWayApricot]

Tbh, I'd go to the dinner just to see how she manages to fuck up another social gathering. I don't have any advice though, I've only seen this sort of the thing the other way round. Where the gf has a problem with the friend. Maybe she thought she had a chance with Ben, maybe he's led her on or downplayed your relationship to her. If she keeps avoiding you at these gatherings can't you just accept/ignore it and avoid her too?

[FruityPolos]

@thedancingbear

Have you tried going to the diary room?

Yes! What does the chair look like this time!

[Babygotblueyes]

I had this once with a boyfriend - met him through his female flat mate who I was at uni with, when their lease was up, they bought a flat together (lots of people did that to get on the property ladder). About that time she announced she had feelings for him, didnt want him to be with me, etc etc. He was not as bad as your situation, but he definitely did not have my back. I was glad when it ended to be honest.

[HappyCamperT5]

@fridgepants I'm 30 now ..

[astoundedgoat]

Honestly, after 18 months if you have no plans to take the relationship forward in the fairly near future, it's not happening for you, so I'd break up. 26 is young but it's also not 17. Lockdown is ending, get out there and meet someone you could have a future with or be single and have fun. This is neither one thing nor the other, and it shows.

[cansu]

I think I would be telling Ben that I don't need to be friends with everyone he happens to share a house with! You can be friendly towards her if you end up at parties or whatever together but I wouldn't be going out of my way to make friends with her. It all sounds dramatic. Clearly, she has some issues about you and him. I would simply decline to discuss it.