Boyfriend & His Housemate HELP

[jseekinganswers]

Hello everyone!

I'm having a bit of a mare at the moment with my boyfriend (Ben) of a year's new housemate to the point we're on the verge of breaking up & need some advice, please :)

A bit of background info - he currently lives with one other guy and two girls. One of the girls I get on really well with and the other Sophie is the one I'm having an issue with.

I'm a super awkward person when I first meet people and usually after a few drinks my confident chatty side comes out.

The first time I met Sophie we weren't drinking and we barely spoke. It was super awkward (from both of our perspectives) but I got a bit annoyed because whenever I left the room she'd get all chatty and giggly with Ben. So instantly there's a bit of a weird vibe I've got from her.

So then for the next month or so, I invited their whole house to drinks at mine at least once or twice a week (we're quite a social house) including my birthday party and Sophie didn't once came. We had a bottomless brunch booked for my birthday and a spare ticket, she said she would only come if she didn't have to pay for the ticket (so I would be paying for her lol).

During this time she told her house that she thought I hated her and my boyfriend gave me quite a hard time saying I needed to make more effort. We then spent a lot of nights arguing as I felt like I was making the effort to invite her all the time but she just never came. I also didn't feel comfortable going to theirs as she'd been saying that I didn't like her etc and was just super awkward. I also texted her saying sorry it's super awkward, theres no drama I'm a bit shy and invited her to a big girls brunch we're organising.

Fast forward to my birthday, and I get their guy housemate coming at me saying this is all my fault and made me cry - I again just continued to say I have literally invited her to everything I'm not sure how that screams I hate you...

About a week later I went to Ben's for the first time since I first met Sophie and it was just the two of us there. I was only there for a few hours then left again. The next morning she apparently caused a scene with the other two (Ben was at mine by this point) claiming someone had been in her room asking if I'd been there. I didn't go in her room and noone else came in or out of the house between us leaving and her coming back later that night so she's either super forgetful or is making it up.

Ben and I again had arguments about it as he just doesn't stick up for me! If one of my housemates was blaming him for something I know he didn't do I'd fight to the death for his cause and have his back!!!

Anyways so last weekend they had a bbq at theirs. We all imagined that this would be the perfect opportunity for us to just get to know each other and put it to bed but instead, the minute I got into their house and was saying hello's she walked out of the room. I then went into the other room to say hi and hug her but she avoided me for the rest of the evening. Later that night she had a massive fight with the other guy and girl that live there as she was refusing to help clear up (me and Ben had gone by this point) and was threatening to move out.

Her moving out would have been perfect, but now it looks like her words were empty and she's here to stay.

My boyfriend finally saw she was actually being a bit childish and had a kind word with her, to which she then invited me and the girls i live with out for dinner (no mention of an apology or it being awkward). He now thinks she's an angel for making the effort (this is infuriating for me since when I was making a lot of effort it was never enough).

So basically now I feel like it's too late for dinner, if she struggled to say hi to me how can she expect to sit and eat a meal with me lol. I've kind of come to the end and don't want anything to do with her, but it's causing me and Ben massive issues. He obviously wants to be friendly with her but I really struggle and feel like he's taking her 'side' and hasn't got my back.

What should I do?

Sorry for the SUPER long message!

Also we're 26 (suprising given how immature this all is)

[SmokeyDevil]

She likely fancies him. But they are all now starting to see her for the drama queen she is. Your boyfriend supporting her blindly is just a sure sign that if or when you break up, he'll jump to her straight away, easy catch for him.

I'd tell him that you have tried to be friendly towards her, but sometimes people just don't get along so you will be civil and that's it. If he won't accept that, dump him. He's not worth the effort.

[TedImgoingmad]

@Shoxfordian

He’s not on your side so dump him
Would all be too much drama for me

This, with bells on. Stop wasting your life on this loser and his loser mates.

[dottiedodah]

I think there is way too much aggro TBH. You are all in your late 20s here! Presumably Sophie doesnt have a BF? Therefore trying her luck with Ben .I would say to him that unless he has your back in future ,then the RL needs to end .You will be always having this problem as someone else says .Ben seems to want it both ways ATM!

[MadMadMadamMim]

I could not be arsed.

Why the fuck do you have to get on with all his housemates anyway? You aren't friends of theirs. You are dating Ben.

Personally I'd bin Ben. He sounds weak and unattractive and I can do better than that.

[readingismycardio]

you all seem and behave like a bunch of teenagers and this relationship doesn't seem worthy of the drama. So, you don't like Sophie and Sophie doesn't like you. So what?

[TrainedByCats]

OP if your boyfriend does not have your back now he never will. Walk away now it will save you going through this again in the future.

Minor point, if I didn’t know/like someone I’d not be keen on them wanting to hug me when they came over to say hi (and I didn’t think we were supposed to be hugging people/randos yet with covid)

[KatherineJaneway]

Sounds like he isn't that into you. He is acting as if all he cares about is keeping the peace rather than sticking up for you and dealing with the drama she is bringing.

[KaptainKaveman]

TBH you all sound as if you are about 12.

Clearly she fancies the boyfriend and thinks he fancies her back (he probably does). It isn't ever going to end well is it?

[Sailor2009]

Seems pretty obvious that A- she fancies your boyfriend and wants you gone so she can have a crack at him. And B- your boyfriend is loving having two women acting like jealous school girls over him regardless of whether he has any interest in her or not.
Even if I'm wrong about B (which I'm not) the fact that he clearly doesn't back you up is enough of a reason to get rid. If you're in a relationship you're supposed to be a team.

[AryaStarkWolf]

You lot are all living in each others pockets so much. Anyway, i wouldn't be up for my b/f having another woman's back over mine. That'd be a deal breaker for me

[Earwigworries]

At a guess she’s interested in your boyfriend not you , he’s either trying to avoid agro as he has to share a house with her or he’s not adverse himself . You need to have a grown up conversation with him about it abs stop trying to date the whole house ! If you can’t have a proper chat about it - you shouldn’t be together

[MissScarlettOhara]

Ahhhh Sophie sounds like the worst and if it was me I wouldn't be bothering with dinner with her. Life is too short to waste time with people like that. Your bf should have had your back and I would break up with him for not supporting you. I don't get how he couldn't see she being ridiculous until after the BBQ?!

[GreyhoundG1rl]

Ben seems to prefer Sophie to you. Sorry.

[LookItsMeAgain]

He is a wuss for not being on your side from the get go, especially as she is a late comer to the group.

I'd dump the lot of them. They are taking up wayyyy more headspace than they need to.

Run. Run a mile and then run some more.

[Aquamarine1029]

The level of immaturity you're accepting in your life is staggering. Raise your standards, FFS. All of this nonsense should be a total deal breaker for you.

[Suprima]

[quote jseekinganswers]@HappyCamperT5 a year and a half! I don't think either of us is ready for that yet - I was in a 5-year relationship previously so been there and done that before and definitely not looking to rush into making that big of a decision yet :)[/quote]
After a year and half, he should be raising this- whether you think you are ready or not. You obviously don’t need to accept.

The fact that he hasn’t, and he doesn’t have your back and would rather live with mates including a girl who is horrible to you speaks volumes.

[TatianaBis]

All way too much drama.

Ben does not have his shit together so I’d sack him off. If he’s that concerned about Sophie he might as well hang out with her full time.

[ElspethFlashman]

So here's the thing.

Ben fancies the arse off her, and has thrown himself into the White Knight role. Poor Sophie must be defended and protected at all costs.

Interestingly he doesn't feel that way about you. He doesn't defend you that youre aware of, and he doesn't protect you.

Also she fancies him and is hell bent on planting seeds of doubt in his mind about you. If Ben was crazy in love with you, he'd be getting pissed off with her. But he's not. He just wants you all to get along so he can have his cake (shagging you) and eat it (flattering attention from Poor Sophie).

If you are not having serious doubts about Ben at this stage, then you're a mug, love.....sorry.

[SweetGrapes]

If you were Ben's priority he would be telling housemate to make an effort with his girlfriend and not make her uncomfortable.

You really don't need to jump through hoops to make a random flat-mate happy!

To paraphrase other relationship threads, you have a Ben problem. Sophie is neither here nor there.

[ElspethFlashman]

It also sounds like Ben says jump and you say how high tbh.

He is literally bullying you into a faux friendship with someone who is a raging bitch to you, and you're absolutely tying yourself in Knots about it.

He's not your Dad! You can tell him to fuck off you know!

[AryaStarkWolf]

Yes I don't understand the need for you to get on with one of his flat mates? so odd

[lastcall]

He's picking another woman's feelings over yours.
He's defending another woman's poor behaviour over your reasonable behaviour and attempts to include her.
He's letting his housemates pick at you over it, too.

He's enjoying the attention or he's an idiot. Either way, I'd dump him. He doesn't have your back.

[KirstenBlest]

Ooh this takes me back to my student days.

We had a Sophie (not her real name). If any of the girls had a boyfriend, Sophie would have shagged him within a few days.

New male housemate. Give it a few days and Sophie would find some excuse to shag him.

[Puddington]

Run OP. I had an almost identical situation with a guy a few years younger than me, he had known "K" for about two months before we met and she clearly fancied him but in a weird, controlling way where she also sort of treated him like shit (iirc she had cheated on most of her exes as well, she just loved being the centre of attention). She took an immediate dislike to me for no reason and he would agonise about having to "split his time between us" and other nonsense, she sent me a super aggressive text for no reason once too and he didn't stand up for me. He did eventuallyyyyyy realise she was a toxic person but I was over it by then tbh, I was tired of trying to "win" against this aggressive negative person. Take it from me, this kind of drama and hassle is nothing you need and even if/when Ben does realise she's in the wrong, you'll find the damage has been done.