Boyfriend & His Housemate HELP

[jseekinganswers]

Hello everyone!

I'm having a bit of a mare at the moment with my boyfriend (Ben) of a year's new housemate to the point we're on the verge of breaking up & need some advice, please :)

A bit of background info - he currently lives with one other guy and two girls. One of the girls I get on really well with and the other Sophie is the one I'm having an issue with.

I'm a super awkward person when I first meet people and usually after a few drinks my confident chatty side comes out.

The first time I met Sophie we weren't drinking and we barely spoke. It was super awkward (from both of our perspectives) but I got a bit annoyed because whenever I left the room she'd get all chatty and giggly with Ben. So instantly there's a bit of a weird vibe I've got from her.

So then for the next month or so, I invited their whole house to drinks at mine at least once or twice a week (we're quite a social house) including my birthday party and Sophie didn't once came. We had a bottomless brunch booked for my birthday and a spare ticket, she said she would only come if she didn't have to pay for the ticket (so I would be paying for her lol).

During this time she told her house that she thought I hated her and my boyfriend gave me quite a hard time saying I needed to make more effort. We then spent a lot of nights arguing as I felt like I was making the effort to invite her all the time but she just never came. I also didn't feel comfortable going to theirs as she'd been saying that I didn't like her etc and was just super awkward. I also texted her saying sorry it's super awkward, theres no drama I'm a bit shy and invited her to a big girls brunch we're organising.

Fast forward to my birthday, and I get their guy housemate coming at me saying this is all my fault and made me cry - I again just continued to say I have literally invited her to everything I'm not sure how that screams I hate you...

About a week later I went to Ben's for the first time since I first met Sophie and it was just the two of us there. I was only there for a few hours then left again. The next morning she apparently caused a scene with the other two (Ben was at mine by this point) claiming someone had been in her room asking if I'd been there. I didn't go in her room and noone else came in or out of the house between us leaving and her coming back later that night so she's either super forgetful or is making it up.

Ben and I again had arguments about it as he just doesn't stick up for me! If one of my housemates was blaming him for something I know he didn't do I'd fight to the death for his cause and have his back!!!

Anyways so last weekend they had a bbq at theirs. We all imagined that this would be the perfect opportunity for us to just get to know each other and put it to bed but instead, the minute I got into their house and was saying hello's she walked out of the room. I then went into the other room to say hi and hug her but she avoided me for the rest of the evening. Later that night she had a massive fight with the other guy and girl that live there as she was refusing to help clear up (me and Ben had gone by this point) and was threatening to move out.

Her moving out would have been perfect, but now it looks like her words were empty and she's here to stay.

My boyfriend finally saw she was actually being a bit childish and had a kind word with her, to which she then invited me and the girls i live with out for dinner (no mention of an apology or it being awkward). He now thinks she's an angel for making the effort (this is infuriating for me since when I was making a lot of effort it was never enough).

So basically now I feel like it's too late for dinner, if she struggled to say hi to me how can she expect to sit and eat a meal with me lol. I've kind of come to the end and don't want anything to do with her, but it's causing me and Ben massive issues. He obviously wants to be friendly with her but I really struggle and feel like he's taking her 'side' and hasn't got my back.

What should I do?

Sorry for the SUPER long message!

Also we're 26 (suprising given how immature this all is)

[NameChange2PostThis]

Hi @jseekinganswers

I’m having a super awkward time with my housemate’s GF.

I only moved into the house share in April but she seems obsessed with me. She keeps inviting me to her house - even to her birthday party. I’m just not interested tbh. My housemates are fine, in fact her BF is actually quite friendly but that seems to make her super jealous too. She started texting me telling me she’s shy - I don’t know how to reply without being rude. I’m just not interested in being her friend. And she’s making it really awkward in my home. It’s affecting my relationships with the rest of the house and I’m actually thinking of moving out.

How can I break it to this crazy woman that I just want her to leave me alone?

What should I do?

Two sides and all that…

[AgathaAllAlong]

This would be too much drama for me, I'd leave them to it. Is this the type of man you want by your side later on in life? If he can't even stick up for you against someone he met five seconds ago?

[ellielucas]

seriously? why you need to be bestfriends? just be casual thats it why all these inviting necessary? sorry but too much drama for nothing just cut it of say hello when you see her thats it. she doesnt mean anything to you. Boyfriend should stuck with you no matter what she is not his bestie why the hell he lets this happen

[PrinnyPree]

If you're planning on staying with him I'd go and do the whole kill her with kindness thing, then if she has a problem she'll look like a massive bitch and you get to say you've tried and never have to deal with her again (because an ultimatum should happen then, where you're no longer expected to make an effort) or she just ends up being okay with you and you move on.

However if my boyfriend of 1 and a half years started taking the side of a 2 month old house mate he'd be dumped pretty quickly. Its not as if you're the new girlfriend, and she's accusing you of some pretty serious shit by saying you're going in her room.

[AlternativePerspective]

Jesus. We see posts on here from parents who are concerned that their DD doesn’t want x person invited to their party and x person is too over invested in their non existent friendship and on and on.

This post is exactly like one of those.

This is primary aged stuff not the kind of actions you would expect of grown men and women.

I wouldn’t even be trying with this woman, neither would I be engaging with my BF about it. You’re with him not with his housemates. You don’t all need to be buddies. Seriously grow up the lot of you.

[butterry]

You should be with someone who puts you first. This guy is not right for you. There are bigger hurdles in life you will face and if he can’t stick up for you other something this petty, what kind of support do you think he will provide? Move on and find a better partner

[SleepingStandingUp]

@jseekinganswers

Update - they don't have any history with each other and only met in April when she moved in (Spare Room jobby)

So he's known you longer, is in a relationship with you and he still took her side? You need a new bf

[Stigofthedump40]

Ah to be young again when you cant see shit.. when you get older everything is just so darn easy

[Beautiful3]

Too much drama fir anyone post 19. Step back and stop socialising with them. They're not your friends, they're just your bf housemates. Go out with upgraded friends and let him go out with his.

[CorianderBee]

I've literally never met my best mates room mates... they're just roommates

[Beautiful3]

Upgraded?! I meant your!

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Are you all 12?

Why do you need to be this woman's friend?

Drama, drama, drama...

[Majorfluff]

I think they are having an affair.

[Sleeplessem]

All the comments that are quite insulting saying ‘what are you 12’ ‘this is pathetic’ is unnecessary and mean. It’s clearly of significance to OP so why put her down?

But anyway, I’m not sure why you need to be best buds with your boyfriends housemate, surely you can be just civil. This does seem like a lot of drama OP and it’s a bit concerning how your boyfriend is on the side of a girl he didn’t really know until relatively recently. I understand why he wouldn’t want to rock the boat where he lives but still, it seems odd, especially when her behaviour is so erratic. To me this doesn’t seem like a sign of a relationship with longevity.

Maybe they have ‘history’ maybe they don’t? But life is too short to be around people who make you miserable and it sounds like this girl (Sophie) makes you miserable. You can be civil and friendly of course but you don’t need to be best buds in order to have a relationship with someone she lives with.

I think you have a few options re Sophie, 1) one on one conversation and ‘have it out’ calmly and hope to clear the air and start again 2) go to the dinner and be pleasant but expect to feel uncomfortable or 3) decline and give up on the idea of being ‘friends’ and just be civil when you see her (which doesn’t need to be often) .

[Whitchurch]

Dump Ben.

[Viviennemary]

Ditch the lot of them. Life's too short for this agro.

[Maskless]

When you say you are 26 do you mean he's 13 and you are 13? Cos then it would make more sense.

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

Seems pretty obvious that A- she fancies your boyfriend and wants you gone so she can have a crack at him. And B- your boyfriend is loving having two women acting like jealous school girls over him regardless of whether he has any interest in her or not.

OP, Sophie is a nightmare, but Ben isn’t doing much for you. If you really like him, I would tell him you don’t get on with the dynamics of his house. Have a calm talk about seeing each other away from there. You’re going out with him, not the whole household!

If he’s too attached to his group, I would be looking for a man who is more independent. Someone open to bonding with a GF rather than his old mates.

[FanFckingTastic]

I feel exhausted just reading the initial post! So much drama and angst over actually very little. She's your b/f's housemate - you don't have to be friends with her, infact other than be civil and polite you don't have to make a particular effort with her at all, or any of his other housemates, as presumably you go round to his house to see him, not them. Stop trying to force a friendship. Don't go the dinner, don't engage with her, or any of this craziness. You've said it yourself OP, this is all very, very childish.

[NewlyGranny]

Stop making any effort with her and stop listening when anyone wants to bend your ear about her. Life's too short!

Drama kings and queens thrive on all the attention, so see what cutting off the supply from you will do. If the bf wants to make his housemate the topic of conversation, just don't be drawn. You tried to be friendly and nice; she wasn't having any; no further obligation. If you have to, you could tell him it's not your circus - not your monkeys.

[thedancingbear]

Have you tried going to the diary room?

[thedancingbear]

@Maskless

When you say you are 26 do you mean he's 13 and you are 13? Cos then it would make more sense.

[ChargingBuck]

Dump Bob - he's a disloyal shit.

Not only has he failed to notice your immense efforts with Sophie, he's allowed other housemates to bitch about you, & let Sophie invent lies about you without once sticking up for the truth, let alone you.

Having told you to make more effort (ie blaming you for Sophie's appalling attitude), not listened when you tried to explain how very much effort you HAVE been making ... he then compounds his fuckwittery by praising Sophie for finally, grudingly, agreeing to eat ONE dinner with you.

Your feelings are correct - it's too little too late from Sophie.
However - it's been too little & nothing from Ben.

Ben's either a bit thick, or perfectly happy for you to be treated unfairly. So happy that I wonder if he is triangulating you with Sophie, as a form of negging & to keep you uncomfortable.

Either way - if he can't speak up for you & have you back, what's the point of him?
Sophie might be an immature little drama queen, but she's not your boyfriend. Ben is - so his behaviour is even worse.

I don't know how you can stomach the unfairness, especially as you know that were the situations reversed, you would be supporting & defending Ben. You can do a lot better, & if you dump Ben, you get the bonus of dumping this bunch of housemates, who are clearly invested in Sophie's dramatics & having a high old time of trashing you for stuff you have not done.

[Whatonearth07957]

If you don't want to dump Ben, point out you need to be his priority and your clearly not going to be best friends with Sophie because she's ...odd. However, kill her with over the top politeness, so it's obvious to others if she doesn't respond, invite her to bigger parties but don't bother with intimate dinners. Take a peace plant ostensibly to bury the hatchet. Don't bring up other stuff and grey rock the passive aggressiveness. If Ben plays you off against one another he's enjoying the attention too much and it's toxic, so revisit the decision not to dump X