Boyfriend & His Housemate HELP

[jseekinganswers]

Hello everyone!

I'm having a bit of a mare at the moment with my boyfriend (Ben) of a year's new housemate to the point we're on the verge of breaking up & need some advice, please :)

A bit of background info - he currently lives with one other guy and two girls. One of the girls I get on really well with and the other Sophie is the one I'm having an issue with.

I'm a super awkward person when I first meet people and usually after a few drinks my confident chatty side comes out.

The first time I met Sophie we weren't drinking and we barely spoke. It was super awkward (from both of our perspectives) but I got a bit annoyed because whenever I left the room she'd get all chatty and giggly with Ben. So instantly there's a bit of a weird vibe I've got from her.

So then for the next month or so, I invited their whole house to drinks at mine at least once or twice a week (we're quite a social house) including my birthday party and Sophie didn't once came. We had a bottomless brunch booked for my birthday and a spare ticket, she said she would only come if she didn't have to pay for the ticket (so I would be paying for her lol).

During this time she told her house that she thought I hated her and my boyfriend gave me quite a hard time saying I needed to make more effort. We then spent a lot of nights arguing as I felt like I was making the effort to invite her all the time but she just never came. I also didn't feel comfortable going to theirs as she'd been saying that I didn't like her etc and was just super awkward. I also texted her saying sorry it's super awkward, theres no drama I'm a bit shy and invited her to a big girls brunch we're organising.

Fast forward to my birthday, and I get their guy housemate coming at me saying this is all my fault and made me cry - I again just continued to say I have literally invited her to everything I'm not sure how that screams I hate you...

About a week later I went to Ben's for the first time since I first met Sophie and it was just the two of us there. I was only there for a few hours then left again. The next morning she apparently caused a scene with the other two (Ben was at mine by this point) claiming someone had been in her room asking if I'd been there. I didn't go in her room and noone else came in or out of the house between us leaving and her coming back later that night so she's either super forgetful or is making it up.

Ben and I again had arguments about it as he just doesn't stick up for me! If one of my housemates was blaming him for something I know he didn't do I'd fight to the death for his cause and have his back!!!

Anyways so last weekend they had a bbq at theirs. We all imagined that this would be the perfect opportunity for us to just get to know each other and put it to bed but instead, the minute I got into their house and was saying hello's she walked out of the room. I then went into the other room to say hi and hug her but she avoided me for the rest of the evening. Later that night she had a massive fight with the other guy and girl that live there as she was refusing to help clear up (me and Ben had gone by this point) and was threatening to move out.

Her moving out would have been perfect, but now it looks like her words were empty and she's here to stay.

My boyfriend finally saw she was actually being a bit childish and had a kind word with her, to which she then invited me and the girls i live with out for dinner (no mention of an apology or it being awkward). He now thinks she's an angel for making the effort (this is infuriating for me since when I was making a lot of effort it was never enough).

So basically now I feel like it's too late for dinner, if she struggled to say hi to me how can she expect to sit and eat a meal with me lol. I've kind of come to the end and don't want anything to do with her, but it's causing me and Ben massive issues. He obviously wants to be friendly with her but I really struggle and feel like he's taking her 'side' and hasn't got my back.

What should I do?

Sorry for the SUPER long message!

Also we're 26 (suprising given how immature this all is)

[AnneKipanki]

Ditch Ben .

[me4real]

@MsDogLady As a PP said, wow.

@jseekinganswers The Sophie issue is inconsequential, but is yet another sign of how little Ben is into you.

[ThePlantsitter]

@midsomermurderess

By which Plantsitter mean, any updates, OP?

Ha! I didn't really, it was more a passive aggressive way of telling people not to be so bitchy. But if you are still reading OP I admit an update would be gladly received (she totally isn't)!

[midsomermurderess]

By which Plantsitter mean, any updates, OP?

[ThePlantsitter]

OP I hope you're still reading. Admittedly there are quite a few needlessly bitchy posts on this thread but there's also some really good advice in between them

[ChargingBuck]

Lumme, @MsDogLady!

I had a certain instinct about this Ben. Seems it was well-founded.
OP - run for the hills. You are worth more than this jerk, who has shown you over & over again how he undervalues you.

Why are you holding on to this lightweight?
Instead of wasting another moment on him or his ridiculous housemates, why don't you start investing in yourself?

Walk away, & start reading up on self-esteem, assertiveness, & maybe - given the shit you have tolerated from Ben to date - The Freedom Programme.

This, btw, was written in 1975 - www.amazon.co.uk/Assertive-Woman-Personal-Growth/dp/1886230498?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
Yup - 46 whole years ago.
I mean this kindly OP - why the hell are you allowing yourself to be treated this way? There are ample resources out there to help you cope with shyness etc. Stop blighting your own life by allowing arseholes in it.

There doesn't even need to be any confrontation. You just decide you are too valuable to associate with immature people who disrespect you, & walk away - free to meet much nicer folks & enjoy your life without all this angsty nonsense.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

[MyOtherProfile]

@MsDogLady

Ben is a very bad bet. You have written about his red flags. He has previously been averse to having relationships.

You met only days after Zoe broke up with him for being non-committal. You discovered this year that after a few months with you, he told a friend that he hoped you would cheat so he’d have an excuse to break up with you. A month after that comment, he declared love. You’ve wondered if he has been using you as a convenient lockdown stop-gap but would revert “to his lothario ways” once things normalized.

It sounds like you were correct.

Ben has set up this triangle and is enjoying having two adoring women in competition for him. His loyalty has now shifted to Damsel Sophie, who has an agenda to oust you. If he were properly committed to you, he would have shut down her tactics immediately. Instead, he is prioritizing Sophie while devaluing you and creating emotional distance.

I would walk away from self-serving, underinvested, disloyal Ben. I wouldn’t sabotage my life with this juvenile chaos for even one more day.

Wow. Well that adds some light to it. Time to call it a day.

[Nicolastuffedone]

I suggest you all sit down together, super awkward as that will be and talk it through over lashings of ginger ale….

[HollyGarland]

I think you deserve better than Ben. Your own boyfriend should be sticking up for you, not throwing you under the bus for the sake of an easy life.

[BadNomad]

I really don't get why it's important that you are friends with her. She's just a housemate, not his sister or childhood best friend. Other than being polite in her company and sending the whole-house invites I wouldn't give her another thought. You dont have to be more than civil to strangers.

What starts the arguments with Ben? You getting at him for not sticking up for you? I wonder if he just doesn't want to get involved because he has to live with her. Stop bringing her up and stop wasting energy on her drama.

[todaysdilemma]

I had this with my partner and his best friend who hated me being around, for no reason. Except they'd been best mates for a decade so I could understand him wanting there to be peace. We had arguments over it, her own bf had to intervene (they were all mates) and tell her to stop being immature. I was polite with her, made an effort to be friendly when we all met up. Nothing changed. So I dumped him, started dating again. He can back a few weeks later with a bit of space and realised his friend being a possessive psycho was her problem not ours - and not worth losing me over. So he apologised profusely, took space from her, during which time she imploded in jealousy that he chose me. Proving my point her issue was him being in a relationship and not me, she would (and had) resent any women he was with.

I point blank refuse to have anything to do with her now. My bf sees her in a group and I don't mind if he stays friends with her. But I'm not in a relationship with her and my bf doesn't expect me to be around her or friends with her.

However, in your case, this isn't an old friend and your bf's key social circle. She's a very new flatmate. And while I understood my bf's reluctance to cut off an old friend of a decade, I would not tolerate it for some newbie flatmate. If he is taking her side over yours, picking fights with you over her, letting other flat mates tell you off - DUMP HIM. With him, I wouldn't actually give another chance because they live together - so she can get close to him in a way you can't. And I would suspect he fancies her, because there's no other reason to put her comfort over yours. He owes her nothing.

[MsDogLady]

Ben is a very bad bet. You have written about his red flags. He has previously been averse to having relationships.

You met only days after Zoe broke up with him for being non-committal. You discovered this year that after a few months with you, he told a friend that he hoped you would cheat so he’d have an excuse to break up with you. A month after that comment, he declared love. You’ve wondered if he has been using you as a convenient lockdown stop-gap but would revert “to his lothario ways” once things normalized.

It sounds like you were correct.

Ben has set up this triangle and is enjoying having two adoring women in competition for him. His loyalty has now shifted to Damsel Sophie, who has an agenda to oust you. If he were properly committed to you, he would have shut down her tactics immediately. Instead, he is prioritizing Sophie while devaluing you and creating emotional distance.

I would walk away from self-serving, underinvested, disloyal Ben. I wouldn’t sabotage my life with this juvenile chaos for even one more day.

[tinglymint]

If you think your relationship with him is worth saving you need to tell him straight to stop letting his housemates bad mouth you.

Ignore Sophie when you're round there. Say hi/offer pleasantries but nothing more. You're not obligated to be friends with housemates.

I don't think it's 100% certain they've shagged but she probably does fancy him and he's too soft to call her out because he doesn't want conflict at home.

[Sillawithans]

They've shagged.

[mrsstyles]

@jseekinganswers

Update - they don't have any history with each other and only met in April when she moved in (Spare Room jobby)

This April? as in 2-3 months ago? And he's taking her side over you?

I wouldn't even class someone as a close friend by that point so either he's loving the drama, something is going on between them, or he's witnessed it and genuinely thinks you're the one being rude to her

[Suzi888]

@MangosteenSoda

Either there’s been something between them in the past, or she wants there to be now.

He’s not exactly covering himself in glory because it seems that he likes having the two of you fawn over him.

I’d either call it a day with Ben, or if you really think it’s worth the effort, have one serious conversation with him and make it the last one.
Basically, you are friendly to all of his housemates including Sophie, and that’s that. You don’t need to have a personal relationship with her (meals out etc) and don’t need to invite her to things unless it’s a full house affair. However Sophie acts is all on her and you don’t need to worry about it. I wouldn’t engage any further than being normally pleasant.

If there’s still trouble, it’s because your bf is encouraging it. Maybe ask him directly if they have a history. And if they have, why on earth is he pressuring you to be friends with her when she obviously resents you?

^ this

But personally I couldn’t be bothered with all the drama involved!

[NameChange2PostThis]

@Nicolastuffedone

This all sounds super silly

Wish there was a like button on MN

[GinTonicIce]

I don’t think Ben wants to shag Sophie but I think he’s a wuss & I understand why. He has to live with her.

Why not just have him over to yours & keep your distance from his place? No drama just a peaceful life?

[ThatOtherPoster]

For everyone saying this sounds immature, I was in an almost identical situation with my brother and his utterly batshit GF. And they’re 52. 😬

It’s not about age. Sophie will be like this forever. Agree with the narc comment upthread.

OP, I’m sure you feel like you’re going bad. You’re not. Sophie is twisting everything you do/say or don’t do/say in ways that don’t make sense. She’s insane. My brother’s batshit GF tells him I don’t like her. When I pointed out I’d sent her cards, presents snd homemade stuff all the years id known her, she said I’d only done that to pretend I liked her… I bowed out at that point. You can’t argue with crazy.

My brother is weak like your Ben. Leave and find someone better. You don’t need this shite. :)

[strawberryfelineforever]

I don’t see why it’s that important for you to have any kind of relationship with his housemates or have to spend this much time with them. I get that with lockdowns people have has less of a social life out of the home but it sounds a bit too enmeshed. I think you should do more couple type stuff together instead of having to keep involving the housemates.

[SarahDarah]

This. You sound like you're all about 18, living in first year dorms?

Just ditch him OP. Sounds like your boyfriend may like Sophie and wants to string both of you along as he loves two women fighting over him. Keep your dignity and walk away.

[airbags]

You sound like a bunch of "super" silly 20 year olds and all need to grow up!
you don't need to all be friends and you don't need to have a relationship with his flatmates.

She's not your friend, he hasn't got your back. You all coming into contact is short lived and only due to house shares - not important in the grand scheme of things.

If he is more supportive of her then move on and find some more grown up company whilst you're at it. For 26 you appear very immature.

[Miljea]

@jseekinganswers

We all have different life paths - didn't post to get trolled, just looking for advice :)

Sorry, OP, didn't read beyond this, that you wrote.

So yes, possibly lots of developments I can't be arsed reading as this level of drama in 26 year olds is frankly, embarrassing- but....

You aren't 'being trolled', you're being told home truths that you need to be aware of.

My reading is that Sophie wants you gone and your BF isn't fighting that hard to keep you.

At 26, you should have the maturity to get this for yourself.

[HappyCamperT5]

@Nicolastuffedone

This all sounds super silly

😂😂😂

[midsomermurderess]

'Stop saying super': yes, yes yes. You might find you attract a less dim, more adult sort of friend.