OH no longer wants children

[Lostat30]

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

You're 31 leave!

OP

Sorry only just read your updates OP. I think you should book some therapy sessions for yourself now, to help you through this process of splitting up with him, as you are right that after 12 years do much of your identity will be enmeshed with him. You would probably find about 6 sessions really really helpful just to help you see the wood for the trees. Intellectually you probably know the relationship has to end, but emotionally there will be so much to tie you to him and keep you there - your shared history, feelings of friendship, shared lives, belongings, home, family, friends etc. I totally get it, it's bloody scary.

But...this is the step you need to take to put your own needs and life dreams first. However much you care about him you can't sacrifice your life's wants to keep him happy. You'll end up hating him by the time you're 40.

Book some therapy, get some support and take this brave step. Bear in mind you need to have a couple of years by yourself and out of dating cycle just to find who you are again and experience life following your own needs with no pressure, whilst making sure you don't jump into the first relationship and find out it's all wrong. You need time to build your sense of self and find true clarity on what you want in a relationship, and your boundaries. Then you'd be looking to settle down again mid 30's once this work was done. So take the first step now.

At 31 you have several years to meet someone new who wants the same future as you! At 31 you have time on your side, don’t panic!

I got divorced at 34, had fun for a year and then met someone new at 36. Enjoyed life together and had first baby at 42 (pregnant at 41).

31 may not feel young to you but it is still young! I thought you were going to say you’re 37/38.

My friend gave her DH an ultimatum when she was mid 30s and he was early 40s.
He caved to keep her and is an absolutely shit dad. He quite clearly loathes it.
She once posted a facebook status saying how “proud” she was that her DH had looked after their DD by himself for a day. Their daughter was 2 at the time. I’ll always remember thinking it was a strange word to use. Proud that her DH had spent a day looking after his own daughter.
I wonder what ultimatum she gave him to try and get him to act like a father. Whatever it was it didn’t work. He does FA for their daughter.

OP I should’ve said (posted just above) we were together for 14 years before divorcing so I know how hard it is to start again.

It’s great so many of you got pg at 40 but we need to keep in mind a lot of women have no eggs left at 40. Fertility peaks early in women.

Ops got time if she gets on it now.

An ultimatium is a terrible idea. A reluctant Dad is no good. As painful as it is you need to move on as you cant give up dream of children for a man.

I divorced at 36 and had first baby at 38 so there is hope. But, you do need to act now . Good luck,

An ultimatium is a terrible idea. A reluctant Dad is no good.

Agreed.

You can't make a man want children.

And actually as unfair as it seems men ( and women) are allowed to change their minds. Just so long as they keep the other party informed about their feelings.

Please please please dump his sorry ass. You're 31 for gods sake! You have plenty of time. I met DH 31 and married and had my lo at 33 and looking at baby no2 by the time I reach 37/38. I have plenty of friends who did what I did later and all happily in stable relationships with their babies. Don't let him waste your time any longer.

I'm afraid you're wrong, OP.

He absolutely IS a twat; a decent guy might change his mind but wouldn't send you pictures and discuss imaginary babies' names just to manipulate you.

He also wouldn't get upset and sweep your needs under the carpet without discussing then, just to suit his agenda.

Yep. Very much a twat.

I always comment on these threads - and there are a lot of them.
I left my exDP after 13 years when I was 36 and he didn't want kids. I was more terrified about no kids and regret than untangling joint home/finances and loneliness (and I was certainly terrified about that).

I met my DH aged 37, we got married when I was 39 and I have 3 children now. I would NEVER have got over no children, resentment would have killed my love stone dead over time.

I would honestly advise you to plan to go, either the reality of it will wake him up, or it won't and you can move on. Yes it's grim breaking up and being on your own - but you honestly don't want to be where you are now in 5 or 10 years, and that is a reality here.

Wishing you luck xx

You're only 31.

You don't settle at 31

You're not compatible.

You want fundamentally different things

Move on.

It'll be hard but worth it

Another vote for leave and move on. He may end up being a very reluctant father to any baby you did have, and may be certain about stopping at one when you might want two. Don't waste your time dragging the commitment out of him.

I had this conversation with him and he kept informing me he wanted children but not yet and would get visibly upset informing me how much he loves me, how ill be an amazing mother etc. He would then send me photos of baby things etc, pictures of prams, baby names, nursery ideas etc.

this has to be the CRUELEST nastiest Future Faker manipulating behaviour I have ever read...

This has made me feel SICK..

He has lied and deceived and manipulated you to keep you trapped in a childless marriage to suit HIM.

Please leave soon OP and follow your DREAMS. 🌸💕

he kept informing me he wanted children but not yet and would get visibly upset informing me how much he loves me, how ill be an amazing mother etc. He would then send me photos of baby things etc, pictures of prams, baby names, nursery ideas etc.

To do all that and then say no - that's unforgivable. I am so sorry.

An ultimatum is a brilliant idea because it's designed to force him to show his true colours, not force him into being a father!

Even if he says that's what he wanted all along, OP is under no obligation to stay and TTC with him, is she? They aren't married and she has made him no promises, just invested 12 of her fertile years in their relationship.

OP will know whether he's reluctant or enthusiastic. In fact, I think she knows now, but an ultimatum will confirm it.

Ugh. Sorry OP. I wasted my thirties with someone like this. I fell pregnant at 41. Please leave and take control of your future. I was with my ex for 9 years so I know how hard it is. Just FYI my ex is now married and having a family with someone else. I don't mean to be hurtful but men have a lot of time and my experience was that sometimes they just don't want something with their current partner. I know it is scary but you really do have time at 31 to meet and have a family with someone who wants the same things as you. Good luck

I've been in your position OP, together for 10yrs and married for 7. We split when I was 31. Met my husband at 32 and we've got a 6yr old daughter, definitely the right decision. It was so hard to walk away but I'm glad I did. I knew if we stayed together and didn't have children I would resent him and he would feel guilty, so either way it was going to come to an end.

As far as ultimatums go, you have to mean it and be prepared to carry it out. Unfortunately OP has given him ultimatums before and then backed down. This has taught him that "I mean it this time" really doesn't! And that he can make empty promises to stall her.

OP needs to just tell him "I'm done". No ultimatum, no 'by X date'. If "I'm done" doesn't get him to shit or get off the pot right and declare himself right then and there nothing will.

But she has to mean it. Better yet to say it with a packed bag sitting next to her!

I don't want children and I am very, very clear about that before dates, on dates and then again as things start to get more serious. I had few serious relationships (including one marriage) before meeting my now partner as those men said they didn't want children either, then when it got serious told me they did want them all along and thought I'd change my mind when we got serious/I was older/when I got to know them! It's not something that can be compromised on and people need to be really clear what they want (rather than lie their arses off). You have been clear and he hasn't (even if he did want kids in the past and changed his mind he should've told you immediately), it's really unfair.

Also to echo previous posts, I have known 8 women whose partners told them he didn't want children and they either went along with it or left and then within months the man was in a new relationship and the new partner was pregnant. I have no idea why this is so common but don't waste your fertility like that.

Reading other people's posts it's evident that a lot of people partners did become 'disposable/redundant' once your future plans no longer aligned, and some went off to find happy endings with others.

I also follow posts on another website of women who stayed in relationships because at the time they believed the relationship was more important than having a family. For some, the relationships continued but the women appear to be consumed with grief, regret, bitterness and anger, and the decision to prioritise the man/relationship now isn't worth it. Others were 'dumped' by these men for other partners in order to have a family.

I divorced at 36 as views on starting/having a family became incompatible. I dated afterwards and had a brief relationship which didn't work out. I'm finally at peace by deciding to choose solo motherhood (IVF via a sperm donor), currently 15 weeks pregnant and very happy with my decision.

People do and are allowed to change their mind, the issue is are you willing to take a gamble with this any longer? I was so close to missing out on motherhood (it turned out I had some fertility issues), and my only regret is not having left my marriage sooner.

@Fluffycloudland77

It’s great so many of you got pg at 40 but we need to keep in mind a lot of women have no eggs left at 40. Fertility peaks early in women.

Ops got time if she gets on it now.

This is very true, and many women may have fertility issues in addition to poor egg quality/egg reserve which only come to light once you start trying to conceive. Male factor infertility is also a contributing factor, and issues can become more problematic with older male partners.

Conceiving, keeping a pregnancy and having a healthy delivery can take a while for some, or not happen at all for others unfortunately.

@Clymene

Children are much better than men 100% of the time.

I don't think so. Most of my friends with children regret having them. They cause so much grief and hassle.

You obviously have never really been in love with a man

@Nightbear

’But why pick a child over a man?’

Seriously? Anyone who wants a child enough to seriously consider leaving a relationship over it is pretty sure they want children. Women have a limited fertility window.

As for ‘a child over a man’, most relationships end. Even the happy, long lasting ones. It’s not a life with this man vs children, it’s a life with this man for now vs ever having children. He’s being very manipulative and stringing the OP along. That’s not the kind of person I’d like to rely on.

If someone seriously considers leaving a supposedly happy relationship just because they want a child is obviously not in a happy relationship.

Most relationships do NOT end. The divorce rate is, I believe, around 45% which, obviously, means 55% of marriages don't end.

Posters are talking about men as though they are cars. Oh just get rid and get another one! If so many can honestly find another that quickly to have a baby with it is highly unlikely to be lasting love is it?

That's why many relationships don't work because so many woman just use men to have a child

@WinterSunglasses

I just hope you never regret having children although a very large percentage of women do.

Not saying no woman regrets having children, of course some do. But 'a very large percentage'? Doubt it. I reckon the percentage of women who regret time wasted in a bad relationship would be way higher.

I think you will find it is a pretty large percentage. I have been astounded over the years just how many woman have said if they could go back in time they wouldn't have children.