OH no longer wants children

[Lostat30]

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

Oh, sad for you. You've spent your whole adult life with him.

If you want children, then you still have time. Don't let him steal your fertile window with his shifting goalposts and fudging, it's cruel.

Leave him, he hasn’t treated you with respect.

Yes you do have time to meet someone else and have children but I wouldn’t delay.

Met my DH when I was 33, married within months and have two teenagers now. I also have PCOS so sub fertile but I was lucky.

@Etceteraaah

As you've said, this is why it’s so, SO important to set a date to try that’s within a timeframe you’re happy with and be prepared to walk away if it doesn’t happen. I feel very sorry for your sister’s ex, but at the same time he sat back year after year for a decade, not TTC and not leaving.

People can be so passive when it comes to going after what they want. It has its roots in all sorts of factors, low self worth is a common one, believing you don’t actually deserve the things you want and being reluctant to go after them. I think it’s so important to share stories like this so people realise that by choosing not to walk away they’re actively choosing to remain in a relationship that isn’t giving them what they want.

"Its not so much that he has deliberately strung her along, just that he doesn't think about her enough to care about her or what she wants from her life. He cares about what she brings to HIS life sure. That's why he cries when she says she'll leave him. But he's not really thinking about what her life means to her. And that's no kind of man to be with."

this ^

And YOU need to draw the line and act on it. If you want children and he wont have them YOU have to stop messing around with his emotional mindgames and start to get real about YOUR life and YOUR future.

12 years is nothng compared to a lifetime of heartache when you long for children but are with a man who wont let you have them

@AcrossthePond55

NEVER pick a man over a child, or the dream of a child. I divorced my 1st husband (in part, he was also abusive) over this. He married me knowing my dreams and lied to me for close to five years. Then when push came to shove and I insisted it was TTC he announced that he'd never wanted children. Why in God's name did he marry someone who did?

I know leaving is hard. But you know what you want for your life and have been honest with him about it. He, on the other hand, is willing to lie and deceive you to stop you from having it. If he truly loved you he would have told you the truth long ago and set you free to find the right person to share your life with.

But why pick a child over a man?

I can only think so many mumsnetters are in unhappy relationships when they are so quick to advise someone to walk away and find someone else!

How likely is it to find someone else that you love deeply? Or does that not matter when having a child is so important?

I actually feel sorry for some of you that don't seem to know what a happy and loving relationship is. I just hope you never regret having children although a very large percentage of women do.

Children are much better than men 100% of the time.

12 years? It's not going to happen with this guy. 31 is plenty young enough to start again. Your ship has NOT sailed and you can still have the future you want. You have to do something about it though, and fast. The years will roll by quickly if you don't. It's not easy to leave your comfort zone, but having the family you dream of will be worth the temporary discomfort of having to leave your current situation.

@PassionfruitOrangeGuava

These threads are always, always full of people saying don't worry, I had kids in my late thirties/early forties no issue, you have time.

The stats are worth knowing. At 35 your chances of conceiving in any given month are 15-20%, and your chances of miscarrying are 25%.

At 40, your chances of conceiving in any given month are 20%, and your chances of miscarrying are 50%.

For every woman on here saying they had babies in their forties there are many, many more women for whom it simply wasn't possible.

The fact that you do have some time left should be galvanising you into leaving and making the most of it. Don't let it sway you into staying because you want to see if he changes his mind. Posters who did have babies in their late thirties and forties are sharing their experience which is their right, but it's cruel to pretend like your fertility doesn't drop as you progress through your thirties and beyond. It does. These years are so precious.

Oops. I meant 5% chance of conceiving at 40. It’s really dire even though some women get lucky.

@lynsey91

Have you been in the OP’s position?

Do you have kids? Ever really, really wanted them?

Ever been in a relationship (not even a marriage) where for twelve years he told you he wanted something that was really important to you, until it came to the time to do it and he changed his mind?

Children are much better than men 100% of the time.

. Secretly, I always wonder about men who ask women to make a choice between them or children rather than saying "ok, we're not compatible. Let's go our separate ways". They must have a very high opinion of themselves to think that they're worth this.

lynsey91 I have both a loving relationship and the chidlren I always wanted - and I've loved having them. I don't think it either or situation - you can have both.

OP needs to decide if this is a deal breaker for herr.

Whether having children is important enough to her to move on trying to find another loving realionship with someone who wants them as well.

Worst thing to do is hang on and wait and hope something changes or to make out she happy not having children - but hasn't fully reconcile herself- and then have to watch her DP change his mind later in life and start a family with a younger woman.

She needs to decide where she is with having children how important it is for her now and possibly going forward- and then knowing that look at her realtionship and decide the way forward.

It's why I think she'd be better off with some space - figure out what her priorities are and what she really wants rather than go along with what her DP wants or what society may expect or whatever other external stuff that may be obscuring what she wants.

31 is young but I would personally start packing your bags and leave ASAP! It’s not always that easy meeting someone. Yes its easy enough to date but it can sometimes take ages to meet someone who is on the same page as you or someone you’d want to raise kids with. For every day, week, month or year you continue in this dead end relationship, you could be out there looking for someone else. Time is precious. Don’t waste any more time! Good luck!

But why pick a child over a man?

Are you kidding? I'd push my husband in front of a bus to save my DC, no second thoughts. He'd do the same.

’But why pick a child over a man?’

Seriously? Anyone who wants a child enough to seriously consider leaving a relationship over it is pretty sure they want children. Women have a limited fertility window.

As for ‘a child over a man’, most relationships end. Even the happy, long lasting ones. It’s not a life with this man vs children, it’s a life with this man for now vs ever having children. He’s being very manipulative and stringing the OP along. That’s not the kind of person I’d like to rely on.

Children are much better than men 100% of the time

Absolutely.

I'd push my husband in front of a bus to save my DC, no second thoughts. He'd do the same.

I don't know if my husband would do the same, but I'd push him in front of the bus to save my children without a second thought.

And I love my husband deeply.

Hey op, I broke up a 9 year relationship at 30 and had a few relationships and then had my first child at 33. By the time I was 40, I'd also split up with him, met someone else and had 3 further children.

He's had plenty of time. He either says yes to kids now or you split up and move on. Because you want time to get to know other people, have fun and feel no pressure to make something work because you want a child.

But why pick a child over a man?

Because having a child is something that many women (and men) have dreamed of. For me, it was something that was a lifelong deep desire and something that completed my life. Why would I give up that dream for a man? Should someone give up medical school, world travel, or piloting a jet if their partner (male or female) cannot or will not support them or should they find someone to help them accomplish their goals and share their dream?

I can only think so many mumsnetters are in unhappy relationships when they are so quick to advise someone to walk away and find someone else!

Wanting a child and being told it will never happen is way different than someone leaving a marriage because their spouse doesn't put the toilet seat down or leaves their mug in the sink. I agree that there are times when cries of LTB are a bit over the top. But not in this case.

How likely is it to find someone else that you love deeply? Or does that not matter when having a child is so important?

In a case where this OP's lifelong dream is being denied her, how long to you think this 'deep love' is going to last? How long before it's worn away by resentment and sadness? And I don't believe there is only 'one great love' per person. Chances are that OP will meet someone that she can love equally in a different way. Or she may choose the road of single parenting.

I actually feel sorry for some of you that don't seem to know what a happy and loving relationship is. I just hope you never regret having children although a very large percentage of women do.

I know very well what a happy and loving relationship is. I've been with my DH for over 35 years. We both worked rewarding careers, have raised two fine sons, shared joys and sorrows, and are now enjoying our retirement. Would I have married him if he had told me he didn't want children? No. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that children were very important to me. If he had said it wasn't for him I would have ended the relationship.

You can compromise on many things; where you live, how often the in-laws visit, who does what 'chores', and the myriad other things couples compromise on. But you cannot compromise on children. You either want them and are willing to make the sacrifices and have the joy they bring or you do not. Either is a valid choice. But just as a person who wants a child should never 'trick' someone into having one, neither should a person who doesn't want one 'trick' someone by lying to them until it's too late.

I have never for one moment 'regretted' having children. My children have disappointed me at times and we've had our 'moments', especially during their teen years. But they have given me 1000 times more joy and satisfaction than sorrow or frustration.

@Clymene

Children are much better than men 100% of the time.

This!

I just hope you never regret having children although a very large percentage of women do.

Not saying no woman regrets having children, of course some do. But 'a very large percentage'? Doubt it. I reckon the percentage of women who regret time wasted in a bad relationship would be way higher.

@Annasgirl I did RTFT. She said that she gives a deadline, he gets upset, she shelves it. I'm saying, if she does want to give it another go with him, to give a short deadline and stick to it. But obviosuly it is up to the OP whether she wants to try that or just go. Both decent options in my opinion.

I was divorced at 28, single until I was 33, married and pregnant with my first child at 35 and now have 3 kids with my husband.

You need to decide what matters to you OP. Noone else can tell you. A relationship with children is not invariably better than a childfree relationship.

But I had no doubt that children were important to me, and when I dated (after crappy husband #1) during my 30s, I made sure it was part of the conversation.

Make your decision, and if it's to pursue children, be in no doubt that your feelings about any man will pale into relative insignificance once they arrive!

No games, no ultimatums. Let him know that the relationship is coming to an end for you because of this issue.

Oh...and a cautionary tale about putting men before children. I know of a woman who had fertility issues. She and her DH discussed IVF etc. He wasnt keen. They agreed that if it wasnt to be, it wasnt to be...they'd live a happy and full life without children. When she was 48 and no longer eligible for IVF, he changed his mind. He left and started a family with someone else. So many reluctant men seem to do this. They are suddenly ready in their late 40s, early 50s and go off and start again. Or have an affair but leave for the partner they accidentally impregnated. Don't kid yourself that your man wouldn't be so careless with your fertility. Many men think in terms of circumstances -it was just the circumstances, the circumstances changed etc etc, rather than taking any personal responsibility. It's such a fundamental difference in the way we think.

Women rarely regret having children. It happens but it's not that common.

What they regret more often is having children with useless bastards who don't do their share of the work.

I was in the same situation as you years ago, we'd been together 7 years, kids were always on the table and one day he just said he didn't want them. I was quite taken aback and was exactly where you are. I debated leaving, but he started saying things like I'll have them if I can stay with you etc. Part of me thought this was a temporary thing, we were 30, getting in with our careers, none of our friends had kids, a few of them said they don't want any, and I think part of it was that he was worried he'd miss out on things due to having a kid.
Fast forward 5 years, we're married, both settled in our jobs, can largely afford a child, our friends are all TTC or with child, and suddenly he really wants a kid.

It's quite different to what others are saying, but just want to offer a different perspective.

@PassionfruitOrangeGuava

These threads are always, always full of people saying don't worry, I had kids in my late thirties/early forties no issue, you have time.

The stats are worth knowing. At 35 your chances of conceiving in any given month are 15-20%, and your chances of miscarrying are 25%.

At 40, your chances of conceiving in any given month are 20%, and your chances of miscarrying are 50%.

For every woman on here saying they had babies in their forties there are many, many more women for whom it simply wasn't possible.

The fact that you do have some time left should be galvanising you into leaving and making the most of it. Don't let it sway you into staying because you want to see if he changes his mind. Posters who did have babies in their late thirties and forties are sharing their experience which is their right, but it's cruel to pretend like your fertility doesn't drop as you progress through your thirties and beyond. It does. These years are so precious.

Well yes, but many who can't have children naturally then go on to conceive tgrough fertility treatments. I had my DD at age 41 after 7 years of treatments. My infertility had nothing to do with my age and I would have needed IVF regardless of when I wanted children.

Also older couples tend to have better finances, so that also helps.

31...You've got aaages! (But you need to act now). I split with my boyfriend at 36 (he didn't want children though that wasn't the reason) met someone at 37, married at 39, pregnant at 40!