Page 15 | OH no longer wants children

PassionfruitOrangeGuava · 22/06/2021 18:35

Funny how you’ve ignored the posts that have taken your comments at face value and explored them and asked you questions.

In favour of posting things like this.

Funny, that.

lynsey91 · 22/06/2021 18:43

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

Women rarely regret having children. It happens but it's not that common.

What they regret more often is having children with useless bastards who don't do their share of the work.

Sorry but it is very very common. Enough threads on here with woman talking about regretting having them.

There are forums just for woman who regret having children. Over the years I have had many many woman admit if they could go back in time they would not have children.

My friends all have grown up children, quite a few have grandchildren and yet they still get grief and hassle all the time. Most of them are divorced and say having children caused the breakdown of their marriage.

I want to be married to someone because I love them and they love me not because I was so desperate for children just about any man would do.

NewlyGranny · 22/06/2021 18:47

OP has been with her partner lovingly and loyally for 12 years and calls him her best friend, so all this shaming about only wanting a man to provide children definitely does not apply.

Nightbear · 22/06/2021 18:50

I said most relationships end. The OP mentioned her partner not her husband.

Most couples who marry or are in long term relationships have discussed having children. If a couple can’t have children that’s one thing but why would anyone stay with someone who has strung them along and/or lied to them about something so important?

wallpaint · 22/06/2021 18:55

woman have said if they could go back in time they wouldn't have children.

They say that with the luxury of being a mother though.

Clymene · 22/06/2021 19:17

It doesn't really matter what your imaginary friends say about children @lynsey91, because the OP wants children.

She may of course hate them and realise that she would rather have stayed with her ex but given that he's a future faking bastard, I suspect not.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/06/2021 19:24

@wallpaint

woman have said if they could go back in time they wouldn't have children.

They say that with the luxury of being a mother though.

This is so true! It's easy enough to say "If I could go back...." when you already have what you wanted.

Per Psychology Today 7% of parents regret having children. That's certainly not the 'many' or the 'pretty large percentage' that a PP alleges. 7% is a pretty small minority. It appears larger because those who don't regret it are generally just getting on with their lives. Those who do tend to be more vocal, just as one typically sees more complaints on various review websites than one sees praise.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/head-games/201909/what-parents-regret-about-having-children

Someone who chooses not to have children is one thing. My DS1 doesn't want children and I don't think he'll ever regret that decision. Someone who sacrifices having a child to keep a partner is quite another. DS1's wife does want children but (apparently) she has decided that she'd rather have him and I do think she'll regret that decision at a later date. How much regret she'll have, I don't know. I'm keeping my nose OUT of it.

BusyLizzie61 · 22/06/2021 19:29

@Lostat30
Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?
Yes, I did. I relocated 100s of miles. New job, new friends etc.
However, I realised that I couldn't guarantee that the men I met would be good fathers and partners, longer term than conception, so I opted to go it alone and used a sperm donor. The best decision ever!

PassionfruitOrangeGuava · 22/06/2021 19:47

@PassionfruitOrangeGuava

Funny how you’ve ignored the posts that have taken your comments at face value and explored them and asked you questions.

In favour of posting things like this.

Funny, that.

This was supposed to tag @lynsey91

Still funny, eh.

LizzieW1969 · 22/06/2021 20:08

Most relationships do NOT end. The divorce rate is, I believe, around 45% which, obviously, means 55% of marriages don't end.

True, I’m happily married myself and don’t anticipate it ending. But it isn’t just divorce that ends relationships, is it? Everyone will die at some point, meaning that one partner will be left on their own. And most often, it’s the woman left on her own, sometimes for many years.

My MIL lost my FIL in a car accident when he was only 65. He was in very good health and it was a total shock for all of us.

I’m obviously not saying that anyone should have kids because they don’t want a lonely old age. That would be a really awful reason to have them. But I am saying that there really are no guarantees where relationships are concerned.

altiara · 22/06/2021 20:41

Don’t bother with any more ultimatum conversations. You shouldn’t only had one. And he’s a no. That’s fine, it’s his choice but you need to call it a day as soon as you can.

You know what you want, so don’t let him hold you back. You will regret it in the future wasting time in your fertile years.

WimpoleHat · 22/06/2021 20:42

Most relationships do NOT end. The divorce rate is, I believe, around 45% which, obviously, means 55% of marriages don't end.

Marriage is, especially these days, an inherently self selecting institution. A majority of children are now born out of wedlock; marriage is now no longer a decent benchmark for “most relationships”…..

Graphista · 22/06/2021 20:45

30's is not too late to have dc, but you don't have time to waste.

You need to decide if you can live without having dc and be honest with yourself or if you do need dc and need to leave him and either meet someone else or go down donor route

Shameful he's led you on all too common these days - also common that the couple split just as the woman's fertility goes out the window and he meets, marries and impregnates next woman quickly and happily.

12 years with zero commitment? I'd have been long gone

I met my ex around same age as you met oh, I was clear from the beginning that my plans relationship wise (but not necessarily with him) were that the person I'd spend my life with I would be married to and have dc with and I was planning on having 1st dc before 30 (I had personal/medical reasons for this)

We actually started off fairly casual but as time went on I maintained my stance, almost 3 years together he proposed, we married quickly just as circumstances meant it made sense, then we had our first year together married just enjoying and adjusting to that and then started on what ended up being a long route to starting a family. Which I had suspected might be the case medically but also there were other life things got in the way eg his being deployed (army) but I had dd late 20's

I've seen in real life and on here women strung along for years, decades, only for the future faker to then quickly marry and impregnate the next woman they got in a relationship with. It's ridiculously common these days we even see a number of celebrity men doing this. It's a shitty thing to do but increasingly common.

Cut your losses

Graphista · 22/06/2021 20:49

I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Entirely possible you could choose to stay with him foregoing children and he then leaves YOU for a fertile woman with whom he has children - how would you feel then?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/06/2021 20:50

I think people can choose their partner over possible kids. But not when they have effectively been deliberately lied to for years and where their partner is secretly trying to leave their 'decision' so late that by the time they have made it, biology effectively makes the decision for them anyway

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 22/06/2021 20:54

Oh OP, don't let him waste any more of your life! LTB.

McdonaldsMilkshake · 22/06/2021 21:04

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I think people can choose their partner over possible kids. But not when they have effectively been deliberately lied to for years and where their partner is secretly trying to leave their 'decision' so late that by the time they have made it, biology effectively makes the decision for them anyway

When my husband changed his mind and said he would give up his chance of having kids to stay with me I didn't get back with him as he'd lied to me for years. The same thing with an ex boyfriend who'd lied to me for a year and said he didn't want children when he actually did, he said he'd forego them to get back together but I said no because I can't stand being lied to.

Anotheruser02 · 22/06/2021 21:24

I couldn't say with certainty I would consider forgoing children for a man who turned out to not be able to have children, but I know for definite I couldn't miss out for a manipulative cunt who chose not to tell me he didn't want them hoping I would be too invested to end it when the truth came out.

In fact I'm not sure I could forgive that even if he did change his mind at the last, his intention was to deceive you.
I don't forgive the person who wasted my 20's on a one day promise, I did have a child in the end, but he changed the course of my life. I have been a single parent for 9 years because he didn't leave me enough time to really get to know another man for long enough to have a child together.

Starseeking · 22/06/2021 21:25

I informed him my cut off was 30. He suggested trying when I turned 30 then backtracked again
*
I've had the ultimatum conversation a couple of times*

Oh love, you need to follow through. You can't give him an ultimatum and still be there a year later. Leave this man and make your dream a reality. He does not want to have children (or at least not with you, sorry).

QueenBee52 · 22/06/2021 21:27

He has crushed your dreams and you're allowing him too.... it's so sad

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/06/2021 23:43

@lynsey91

I think you meant most marriages don't end in divorce. Instead, you said "Most relationships do NOT end."

Based on the average number of relationships most people have before either staying with someone for the long haul or marrying them, that is simply not true. Quite odd to believe or suggest otherwise. Especially using statistics that aren't relevant to your confident statement that "most relationships do NOT end."

timeisnotaline · 23/06/2021 00:49

@Lostat30

Thank you all for your replies

"The OP could have dealt with this better by setting a timeline, something like "I would like to have a child before I am thirty. If, later, you are not committed to starting a family by then, we need to reconsider our relationship." However, all is not lost. It sounds like she is finally grasping the nettle"

In reply to the comment above - I had this conversation with him and he kept informing me he wanted children but not yet and would get visibly upset informing me how much he loves me, how ill be an amazing mother etc. He would then send me photos of baby things etc, pictures of prams, baby names, nursery ideas etc.

I informed him my cut off was 30. He suggested trying when I turned 30 then backtracked again, well I'm now 31 and still here

I've had the ultimatum conversation a couple times but he gets upset and then I shelve it. It feels impossible to untangle myself right now as 12 years is such a long time, we haven't fell out of love and he is still my best friend. He isn't a twat, i kinda wish he was so leaving him wouldn't feel so hard right now.

When you look back at these conversations you had with him, you will feel viscerally sick at how you let someone who is supposed to love you fuck your dreams over with intentional lies. This is not a naive 18 year old who has a lot of maturing to do. This is your long term partner trampling your dreams into the mud because it suits him. The thing to say is I’m sorry you have decided our relationship won’t work. I wish you hadn’t been such a coward to try not to tell me. I wish you didn’t respect me so little to lie to me for years about something so important. I will be a great mum. You are not father material I realise now.

PiersPlowman · 23/06/2021 01:00

@WimpoleHat

Most relationships do NOT end. The divorce rate is, I believe, around 45% which, obviously, means 55% of marriages don't end.

Marriage is, especially these days, an inherently self selecting institution. A majority of children are now born out of wedlock; marriage is now no longer a decent benchmark for “most relationships”…..

Fun factoid: in Japan, births are registered on the koseki tohon (family register) which is a public document. If a child is born out of wedlock, the registrar stamps “BASTARD” on it. This document follows you throughout your life and future employers, banks, and schools go over this document like a Facebook page. Such kids are usually totally scr*wed.

McdonaldsMilkshake · 23/06/2021 01:46

I agree with @timeisnotaline last post (I can't quote it), I know it was the opposite way around as I said in my previous post, but I felt exactly that about my now ex husband. I felt sick that he had lied to me for so long and completely led me on planning a life just to turn around and rip it away. It's horrible living with someone who lies to you and it's hard to overcome.

WimpoleHat · 23/06/2021 07:52

in Japan, births are registered on the koseki tohon (family register) which is a public document. If a child is born out of wedlock, the registrar stamps “BASTARD” on it

@PiersPlowman Blimey! That’s like something from Tudor times!