OH no longer wants children

[Lostat30]

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

Sadly I know a few women who stayed with the “no kids” man even though they wanted kids really. They decided he was worth it. Had a fabulous time with him in their thirties - brilliant holidays with their 2 incomes and no childcare costs whilst the rest of us were knee deep in nappies and mini rugby.

And then they got to their early 40s. And suddenly matey decides he wants something else. They have “grown apart” apparently.

He then quickly moves onto a 29 year old and has 2 kids with her in quick succession whilst the woman is left with nothing.

I’ve seen this a couple of times - in both instances the couple had been together over a decade but both parties were lovely and I’m pretty sure we’re up front about their different desires for the future. Both instances the couples broke up, in one the woman went on to find someone else, moved country and has several kids with the man and a completely different (but lovely) life. In the other they both dated and were separated for over a year then got back together and had a child together and are a happy unit. Sometimes you need to lose something before you’re ready for it to change but you also have to be ready for your life to change completely and be open to that.

I think you have to leave him. Then one of 2 things will happen.

If he's just dithering about kids, wants them but nervous about it, so putting it off because he's not brave enough to take that step - then he will beg you to come back and agree to ttc.

If he doesn't beg you to come back, then either he really doesn't want kids, or he doesn't want kids with you - in which case it's best to be apart anyway.

I met my now husband at 33 about to be 34. Now 40 with 3 kids!

Agree with the people who says leave now. I met my husband at 33, married at 37 and had my first child at 38. Yes, it is late, but it is certainly possible. I have a wonderful group of friends who all had their first baby in their late 30s. You wouldn't be the only one

Is there any other reason why he is reluctant to have children something he hasn't said before what's his family history there could be more to it than just moving the goal posts, could you try maybe discussing it with a therapist

12 years is a long time, but of course you will get over him and you will definitely also be able to meet someone new

This is a really tough position to be in OP, I completely understand why you feel torn.

The good news is that you have plenty of time to meet someone else and have children. I split from someone when I was around your age and by 34 I was pregnant with twins.

Your problem isn't time - it's that you haven't absolutely decided what you want to do. The longer this drifts on, the harder it will be. He's been honest - he loves you but doesn't want children.

Picture yourself at age 50, or 60. Think about never having children - how does that feel? Something you think you could be OK with if you've spent a lifetime with this man? Now think of yourself at the same age, with children - but with a different partner. Which one feels like the better option? Is there one option which instinctively feels like something you couldn't accept?

My honest opinion is that children are something very few couples can compromise on. Having kids is such an enormous life change, if you're not totally on board, it's likely to be a disaster. On the flip side, if you want children, there's a very high chance that you'll grow to resent him deeply - especially as the world is full of families so there will be constant reminders of what you've given up. And if you do feel resentful, it could affect your relationship to the point of splitting up - and then you've lost the relationship AND the chance to have kids.

Hope you figure things out OP, there are tough conversations and decisions ahead.

I couldn't be happy without children in my life and at 31 I'd be wanting to start trying for a baby. I think if you think you can honestly be happy without children then stay but I personally wouldn't be. I would have to tell him that I wanted children in the near future and would not be Changing my mind. If he couldn't accept that I would leave as st least there would be good that I would have children with someone else.

So you've been together since you were 19, and it's still no marriage and no kids. I'd leave - now.

Best friends don't lie, string you along and manipulate you op. He isn't your best friend at all.

You have time to meet someone and build a life with children in the future. I as a mum of 3 will tell you it's fucking hard, sleeplessness, your body going through all sorts of changes and your priorities changing. (I've one at primary and my oldest is at uni, it doesn't get easier, just different) What you need going through all that is someone who is knee deep in it with you, supporting each other laughing at the poonamis and baby sick, coping with the tantrums and the difficult teen years, standing side by side because you've both chosen that road. Resentment will come from you as a childless woman who has missed out on the chance of having your own child or from you when he as a reluctant father doesn't want to get involved or from him resenting being thrust into a role that he doesn't really want.

Watching your child grow is like watching your heart beat outside of you, the joy and pride it brings really is second to none, please find someone who will share that joy with you rather than cast a huge shadow over it because it won't only affect you but the child you have also.

The distress of making the choice to leave and hopefully start a family will be far outweighed by the happiness of holding that baby and planning a life with someone supportive of your choice to be parents.

If you love him you need to think long and hard before leaving. You could leave and not meet anyone else. You might meet someone when you are too old to have children or, of course, you may find you are unable to have children.

Personally I don't understand putting having children before a happy loving relationship. Children will leave home one day, maybe even move far away, but a happy loving relationship should last.

Some posters are suggesting being a single mother but that is a selfish thing to do

I've had the ultimatum conversation a couple times but he gets upset and then I shelve it. It feels impossible to untangle myself right now as 12 years is such a long time, we haven't fell out of love and he is still my best friend. He isn't a twat, i kinda wish he was so leaving him wouldn't feel so hard right now.

You've talked and given an had several ultimatum conversations - he basically given you his answer - so now you have to decide what you want to do.

Is a break/seperation from each other a possibility while you think about what you want and how you want to proceed? At 31 you have many options and time on your side and he's made his position clear though he's not used his words very clearly.

Don't forget also that having children is not always such a wonderful thing. Enough women on here say they regret having children.

In case other posters’ happy outcomes of having children in their late 39s early 49s makes you think of delaying your decision about whether to stay in this relationship longer or leave it soon, I think it would be unwise for you to think you can count on having a child at that older age.

Have you thought of trialling a temporary separation?

Then you'll both see if what you want is stronger than wanting the other person in your life.

[quote PiersPlowman]@Lostat30

OP, you have spent the last twelve years together childless. I think we can infer from your husband's past conduct the likely path this relatinship will take if left to continue. Furthermore, in the unlikely event you do have a child together, he will almost certainly be a disinterested father.

Neither of you is wrong, but you do have different, and irreconcilable, life goals. In your shoes, I would be seriously considering ending the relationship as amicably as possible.

I am also going to go against the other posters in one respect. Yes, you are only 31, but should you leave your husband you will most likely want some time to yourself to do a bit of soul searching (I would!). It will then take you time to find and settle in with someone who you care about and with whom you share similar goals. All this could take four, five years if you are doing due diligence, by which time you will be 35~36. Still young enough to have children, no doubt, but a) it becomes more difficult to conceive, and b) the risk of congenital birth defects - though small - rises considerably. You'll want to do NIPT testing which does not come cheap. And if your pregnancy isn't textbook a lot of clinics will want to pass you off on someone else.

I don't mean to sound too negative - I am sure you will have a healthy child in the future - just be aware you may have to jump through a few hoops to get there.[/quote]

My goodness, this is scaremongering. I had my kids at 35, 37 and 39. Conceived naturally within 2-3 months of starting with all three. No problems, no extra care or complications, no special treatment from the midwives, textbook births (or at least the complications I had with one of them were nothing to do with my age but a completely unrelated fluke). Yes, pregnancy and childbirth shouldn't be taken for granted but let's not scare people or overstate the difficulties for the vast majority of people.

A friend of mine was deeply in love and in a LTR with a man like this.
They split in their late 30s. Luckily she met someone else and after a heartbreaking late miscarriage and other difficulties they both have a beautiful son that she gave birth to aged 40.

Within two years of the split, her commitment phobic ex was married and he has gone on to have a son.

My friend is still hurt even though she is very happy with her DH.

I know she wishes she’d left earlier and had the chance of more children at a younger age. She had another miscarriage aged 41 and I think they called it a day on trying.

@lynsey91

If you love him you need to think long and hard before leaving. You could leave and not meet anyone else. You might meet someone when you are too old to have children or, of course, you may find you are unable to have children.

Personally I don't understand putting having children before a happy loving relationship. Children will leave home one day, maybe even move far away, but a happy loving relationship should last.

Some posters are suggesting being a single mother but that is a selfish thing to do

I agree. You love him... it's not as simple as saying 'dump him and move on to find someone who wants kids'. That might not happen.

As per my previous, I reckon it's work getting some counselling on this as a couple and come to a joint decision. There might be some deep-seated reasons that need unpacking as to why he keeps shifting the goal posts.

Perhaps he's not quite as committed to a future together as you are (your cue to indeed leave) or perhaps he has some trauma issues in his own childhood (for which he can get help).

That’s nice that babies worked for many people but there are many others they didn’t work for in their late 30s and older. Many of them prob not on mumsnet as they don’t have dc (no issues with people without children coming on mumsnet, but you are more likely to have children if you do!) my cycle started changing and getting more variable at 37, I was shocked to realise this was ageing.

NEVER pick a man over a child, or the dream of a child. I divorced my 1st husband (in part, he was also abusive) over this. He married me knowing my dreams and lied to me for close to five years. Then when push came to shove and I insisted it was TTC he announced that he'd never wanted children. Why in God's name did he marry someone who did?

I know leaving is hard. But you know what you want for your life and have been honest with him about it. He, on the other hand, is willing to lie and deceive you to stop you from having it. If he truly loved you he would have told you the truth long ago and set you free to find the right person to share your life with.

Hi, OP - I felt I'd missed my chance at 31 too. In my case, I was terminally single, and watching 'ages where I thought I'd do stuff', like get married and have children sailing away in the rear view mirror. I think it's passing those mental milestones that makes you think it's now too late: 'Well, I thought I'd be a mum by now, so I clearly won't ever manage it in future'. You feel like you've failed, it's over, it will never happen. It's understandable, but luckily absolutely not true.

I didn't meet DH until I was 35, and DD didn't arrive until I was 38. I have many, many friends with similar stories to tell.

If (and I hope, for your sake, when) you do decide to walk away and start again, you have plenty of time. There are better men, better fathers, out there waiting for you.

Please leave him. All one of my friends ever wanted was a child and her DP has string her along for 17 years. She is now 40 and unlikely to ever have a child because of it. She wouod raise it. He'd say not yet but soon and all of a sudden she's 40 and childless

At 19 of course you cant decide for sure but hes been stringing you along for the past few years for sure

An ultimatum has to be seen through though-no more ok i'll wait a bit longer its now or never time

These threads are always, always full of people saying don't worry, I had kids in my late thirties/early forties no issue, you have time.

The stats are worth knowing. At 35 your chances of conceiving in any given month are 15-20%, and your chances of miscarrying are 25%.

At 40, your chances of conceiving in any given month are 20%, and your chances of miscarrying are 50%.

For every woman on here saying they had babies in their forties there are many, many more women for whom it simply wasn't possible.

The fact that you do have some time left should be galvanising you into leaving and making the most of it. Don't let it sway you into staying because you want to see if he changes his mind. Posters who did have babies in their late thirties and forties are sharing their experience which is their right, but it's cruel to pretend like your fertility doesn't drop as you progress through your thirties and beyond. It does. These years are so precious.