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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ds(11) in a manipulative relationship. What to do?

164 replies

HandsInHair · 21/06/2021 23:02

My DS is 11 and skipped a year, meaning his classmates are mostly 12.
He is a sensitive and introverted boy. His dad and I recently got divorced and I moved out of the family home with his dsisters.
Since the beginning of may he has had a friendship with a girl in class that has very quickly turned very intense. They don't speak in person, it is all via text messages.
In theory, no problem, very cute. What is a problem is the intensity and the manipulation. All of a sudden my son is hurting himself, talking about suicide, not eating and wearing big jumpers in a heatwave.
I read their message conversation and it reads as if all thiese things are in reaction to her.
She is hurting herself, so he does too. She won't eat, so he doesn't either, etc. He packages it as if he are tying to 'help' her. As in, he won't eat until she does..
I know that there have been other incidents with other kids in their class. I contacted the mum of another boy who was best friends with her until she suddenly stopped and started a message group to bully the boy.
She is only a child so I am pretty sure she is not purposely trying to be manipulative, but I do believe she is troubled. And it is admirable my DS wants to help her. The trouble is thay he is also learning these manipulative behaviours. And he is hurting himself!

I am not sure what to do now. The school was involved in the previous incident(s). Do I involve them again? Do I invite her around?
I don't think forbidding contact is the way to go...

I have already called her parents to alert them to the suicide speak. In her messages she also says her father hurts her and she doesn't feel comfotable with him sexually. I have no idea what to do with that information.

Help me wise mumsnetters!!

OP posts:
Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 21/06/2021 23:04

Straight to school to talk to the designated safeguarding lead. Remove your child's phone. Stop him having contact with her.

scaredsadandstuck · 21/06/2021 23:06

Oh this is tough. Definitely speak to school ASAP about it. Also think about how you can help your son put some healthy boundaries in place. I totally agree banning the friendship will not help, but gently encouraging him to limit contact and to spend time with other people is a good idea.

What did her parents say?

HotPenguin · 21/06/2021 23:08

I wasn't sure til I read the bit about her dad hurting her - you cannot sit on that, it's your responsibility to report that. Contact school as they will know what to do.

Hellocatshome · 21/06/2021 23:09

Tell the school everything.

nimbuscloud · 21/06/2021 23:11

In her messages she also says her father hurts her and she doesn't feel comfotable with him sexually. I have no idea what to do with that information.

Police? School?

nimbuscloud · 21/06/2021 23:13

You had a thread a month ago and you spoke about this child and her father’s treatment of her sexually. Have you done nothing since then?

Overdueanamechange · 21/06/2021 23:15

Straight to school, this is for the professionals to deal with. I would speak to your GP about referring your son to a mental health specialist too.

Original poster
HandsInHair · 21/06/2021 23:19

I tried to contact her mum but in the end the dad called me. So I mentioned the selfharming and suicide message, not the ones where she says he abuses her. He replied that she has had issues in the past and they would get help for her.
I know that she has been to see her psycologist since then.

I have contacted the school about the selfharming but not about their relationship. I guess I wanted to see how the intervention with the parents panned out. I also wanted to monitor if messages about her dad were repeated. And the hurting ones are.

I'll contact the school tomorrow. They only have a week of primary school left before the go to secondary. She is going to the same secondary school as DS next year.

I feel like I want to keep him away from her. Seeing the manipulation I am not sure I 100% believe that what she is saying about her dad is true. But if it is, I can't not tell anyone. If it isn't though... that family will go through hell if I talk to the school.
I was thinking of trying to contact the mother again and insisting on talking to her..

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 21/06/2021 23:20

Seeing the manipulation I am not sure I 100% believe that what she is saying about her dad is true

That is not your call to make.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/06/2021 23:23

I was thinking of trying to contact the mother again and insisting on talking to her..

If what their daughter has said is true and you do this, I hardly think a parent who either turns a blind eye to or enables abuse is going to simply do what you 'insist'...

Clymene · 21/06/2021 23:26

Report it to the school and they can take it up with relevant authorities. It's not up to you to try and solve it or to decide if what she's saying is true or not.

Poor girl

Original poster
HandsInHair · 21/06/2021 23:26

@nimbuscloud

You had a thread a month ago and you spoke about this child and her father’s treatment of her sexually. Have you done nothing since then?
I called a helpline to ask for their advice but they weren't much help. Their teacher had a late miscarriage. She was the person I spoke to about my DS. They then all went on a school trip. So I haven't really had a chance to speak with someon further.

I have spoken to some people in my circle and everyone is conflicted about what to do. Most say that the schools are generally not well equipped to deal with stuff like this here Confused.

But i will try and see if someone from the care team is available.

In the meanwhile I am also very worried about my DS. He is not eating at lunch and still hurting himself.

OP posts:
hedgehogger1 · 21/06/2021 23:28

You tell the school who are better trained to deal with safeguarding issues than your circle. I'd also be removing my kids phone or putting a monitoring app at the very least on it.

ObviousNameChage · 21/06/2021 23:30

So you have a kid who is potentially being abused , and you did nothing? Not just that but you go out of your way to emphasise repeatedly how manipulative she is, you gossip about her with other parents and do nothing.

By the way, no matter how bad she is or isn't, a happy,well adjusted ,emotionally strong child won't harm or starve themselves because someone else is or told them to. Because it hurts and it's hard and uncomfortable. Whatever your son is doing, even if this girl triggered it, she's not the cause.

alexdgr8 · 21/06/2021 23:34

you must reveal everything you have seen to the safeguarding team.
call GP re your son, and ask for an appt for him.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/06/2021 23:34

There's two things here.

Her: tell school everything. It isn't your place to know of its real or not. She could be making up the abuse but even if she is, with everything else going on SOMETHING isn't right, and it's quite possible the abuse is the trigger for the rest of it.

DS: on top of restricting and monitoring his phone when he's with you, is Dad on board as he's primary carer? How often is DS with you?
It's also possible that he's processing his own anger and confusion. His parents recently split and his Mom left taking his sister's, but not him. The self Harming might not just be about her and he might not be ready to tell you that so again, Dad needs to be on board with getting him and possibly your girls some proper counselling

reallydontknowoo · 21/06/2021 23:35

Take the phone from DC so he doesn't have to deal with it. Call nspcc about his friend and ask for advice. At 11 it seems a lot to say she is making up abuse - she's quite young to know about it so it sounds like a cry for help especially if there's self harming going on.

I'd also talk to school about trying to keep a bit of distance between them. Reassure your DS that he doesn't have to sort her out and adults can do that. Try and distract him with new activities?? And be ready to listen and empathise with him. Good luck.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/06/2021 23:35

So you have a kid who is potentially being abused , and you did nothing? Not just that but you go out of your way to emphasise repeatedly how manipulative she is, you gossip about her with other parents and do nothing.

This. It's absolutely shameful behaviour - I'm glad I don't know one person who would hand-wring over whether they should speak up or not. Let alone loads of them.

Summerfun54321 · 21/06/2021 23:42

Seeing the manipulation I am not sure I 100% believe that what she is saying about her dad is true

It’s not for you to believe her, just to inform the school so they can decide what to do next. I can’t imagine fabricating abuse is something many primary age girls do, there must be something in it.

Original poster
HandsInHair · 21/06/2021 23:48

@alexdgr8

you must reveal everything you have seen to the safeguarding team. call GP re your son, and ask for an appt for him.
I will try and figure out who to contact in the school. There is no such thing as a safeguaring team here. There is a care team that deals with learning difficulties so I hope they can help. I have called an organisation that is a helpline for abuse and they have advised me to contact her mum. For DS, I contacted his GP and he said he should see a child psychiatrist. So I called the ones in the area and none are taking on new patients. I have found a child psychologist so that is a start.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/06/2021 23:50

I believe all education settings are required to have a 'safeguarding lead' OP that's who you need to speak to and chase both in person (or phone) and via emails so there is a record in writing.

Original poster
HandsInHair · 21/06/2021 23:50

@Summerfun54321

Seeing the manipulation I am not sure I 100% believe that what she is saying about her dad is true

It’s not for you to believe her, just to inform the school so they can decide what to do next. I can’t imagine fabricating abuse is something many primary age girls do, there must be something in it.

She is clearly troubled and needs support. From what I can see, she is getting that.
OP posts:
Original poster
HandsInHair · 21/06/2021 23:51

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I believe all education settings are required to have a 'safeguarding lead' OP that's who you need to speak to and chase both in person (or phone) and via emails so there is a record in writing.
I am not in the UK. I haven't found anything similar here. But I will contact the school tomorrow.
OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 21/06/2021 23:53

OP, what on earth were you thinking? You should have reported the abuse allegations immediately, not "monitored" to see if the girl repeated them and prevaricated about whether or not you believe her. It isn't your place to make that judgement. It also isn't your place to address this with the child's mother. Talk to the school or police immediately so that it's properly investigated and dealt with through the appropriate channels.

Lalliella · 21/06/2021 23:53

Get to safeguarding tomorrow and tell them everything.