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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ds(11) in a manipulative relationship. What to do?

164 replies

HandsInHair · 21/06/2021 23:02

My DS is 11 and skipped a year, meaning his classmates are mostly 12.
He is a sensitive and introverted boy. His dad and I recently got divorced and I moved out of the family home with his dsisters.
Since the beginning of may he has had a friendship with a girl in class that has very quickly turned very intense. They don't speak in person, it is all via text messages.
In theory, no problem, very cute. What is a problem is the intensity and the manipulation. All of a sudden my son is hurting himself, talking about suicide, not eating and wearing big jumpers in a heatwave.
I read their message conversation and it reads as if all thiese things are in reaction to her.
She is hurting herself, so he does too. She won't eat, so he doesn't either, etc. He packages it as if he are tying to 'help' her. As in, he won't eat until she does..
I know that there have been other incidents with other kids in their class. I contacted the mum of another boy who was best friends with her until she suddenly stopped and started a message group to bully the boy.
She is only a child so I am pretty sure she is not purposely trying to be manipulative, but I do believe she is troubled. And it is admirable my DS wants to help her. The trouble is thay he is also learning these manipulative behaviours. And he is hurting himself!

I am not sure what to do now. The school was involved in the previous incident(s). Do I involve them again? Do I invite her around?
I don't think forbidding contact is the way to go...

I have already called her parents to alert them to the suicide speak. In her messages she also says her father hurts her and she doesn't feel comfotable with him sexually. I have no idea what to do with that information.

Help me wise mumsnetters!!

OP posts:
MonsterKidz · 22/06/2021 05:54

OP just call the main reception for the school
and ask to speak to someone about a safeguarding issue.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/06/2021 09:55

@HaveringWavering

Where did you see he has my DS the most?

Your OP says that you left the family home with his sisters when you got divorced. People are reading that as your DS stayed with his Dad. Is that not the case?

Yes sorry @HandsInHair I read it as you and the girls had moved away and DS had stayed with Dad.
SleepingStandingUp · 22/06/2021 09:57

@HandsInHair

What about DS. Because regardless of what is happening to her, their relationship is manupilative. In both directions by the way. The pattern I see is that she starts something new, not eating, wearing warm clothes, then he follows and does the same. Also, If either of them don't respond straight away to a message, the other one bombards them with messages ending in 'I am useless, I hate myself' messages. I also believe it is important for him to learn that this is not OK in relationships.

My DS knows I check his phone regularly. I could go through his messages with him and talk about how they make him feel. And have him reflect on how his messages make her feel. Would that be a good idea do you think?

Yes I think talking through how they make them feel and what impact they might have on her and him would be good. Also talk about what good relationships look like and how they make us feel.

I think when you talk to school you need to be open about what's going on for both kids and see what support is available for yours as well

Original poster
HandsInHair · 22/06/2021 10:35

I called the school this morning and they will take action regarding the abuse allegation. I obviouly won't be informed of the result but I hope that she gets the support she need.

They will also keep a close eye on my DS and check that he is eating etc.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 22/06/2021 10:37

This is a massive safeguarding concern. Contact school today!

Original poster
HandsInHair · 22/06/2021 10:38

@HoppingPavlova

Why is your DS allowed to be in a relationship at 11 years of age? At that you absolutely get to control these things. How did it get to this? Irrespective, agree you need to alert the school.
He says that they are friends, not a romantic relationship. It is all-consuming though. I can hardly tell him he shouldn't be friends with a girl...
OP posts:
Mountaingoatling · 22/06/2021 10:38

This is a time for active parenting. Your passivity here and concern for what everyone else night think, feel or experience is blinding you from your primary duty here: protect your son. Absolutely stop contact and explain why.

ImitationofBeing · 22/06/2021 10:42

I would remove him from the school, remove her details from his phone and monitor it and be in touch with her mother.

It will only get worse with possible horrific consequences if you keep faffing about.

Comedycook · 22/06/2021 10:45

You need to report this to the safe guarding lead at the school asap

ObviousNameChage · 22/06/2021 10:47

He says that they are friends, not a romantic relationship. It is all-consuming though. I can hardly tell him he shouldn't be friends with a girl...

Not with a girl,but with this girl and not at this time. Especially now that an investigation might be looming.

Take his phone away, let him use yours if needed (for his dad or whatever) and supervise,supervise,supervise. Explain to him that you've sought help for this girl, and she needs it. Massively so. Help beyond what he and you can offer her. That now, both of you need to focus on his wellbeing,safety and health.

You can contact extra agencies (equivalent of social services and police) to make sure that whatever is going on with this poor girl is out in the open, but that's where your responsibility stops.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/06/2021 10:59

I would also contact the police or social services equivalent. Idk how good safeguarding procedures are in your country.

VodkaSlimline · 22/06/2021 11:01

If you don't want to completely confiscate his phone (although I think you should), block the girl on all apps and check it daily to make sure they haven't found a way around it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/06/2021 11:03

I can hardly tell him he shouldn't be friends with a girl...

You absolutely can tell your 11 year old child that you won't be facilitating a friendship that you believe is making them anxious, stressed and unwell. That you're taking their phone away or it can only be used in your presence with transparency because this situation has spiralled and you've realised you should have stepped in sooner as the adult involved and made the necessary adult decisions an 11 year old is not equipped to make. That you love him and that's why you're making this decision and that you understand it's upsetting but you'll help him get back to a less anxious and stressed state, whether that means more family time, some counselling etc and you want him to understand it's because you love him.

He is ELEVEN. Of course you can take charge. It's your job.

Time to adult.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/06/2021 11:05

I would actually say sorry to him for letting this go on so long. He's had to try to deal with feelings way above his pay grade and emotional ability and you've let it continue.

Gingernaut · 22/06/2021 11:05

Take screenshots
Show them to school, police and other child's parents
Take the phone off your son

Why did he skip a year?

Original poster
HandsInHair · 22/06/2021 11:12

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I would actually say sorry to him for letting this go on so long. He's had to try to deal with feelings way above his pay grade and emotional ability and you've let it continue.
You are right. I guess I felt that forbidding it would only make it more attractive to him. Also, I didn't have an emotional support in place for him to turn to other than myself. He does open up her about the things that he is going through.
OP posts:
rainbowfairydust · 22/06/2021 11:14

At this age, I absolutely would remove his phone, explain this friendship is causing him harm and he needs a break from it to see how it's impacting him. Use the holidays before secondary school for him to have a long break from seeing her. He could send a message saying he is no longer allowed contact via phones but they can write to each other... But that you will be reading the letters and the talk about harming and not eating on his part needs to stop, it won't help her by him doing the same. Equally keep him off tik tok as I've read some videos on there aren't helping with self harm etc. In the meantime, I'd see a therapist with him too and discuss a plan about having limited time back on the phone under supervision until trust can be rebuilt.
He is in primary school, of course you can take his phone away and take back some control of the situation

ObviousNameChage · 22/06/2021 11:16

I really wish posters would stop suggesting telling the parents in cases like this. It is very dangerous and puts the child at further risk, and sometimes even the person informing them.

Official/professional channels are always the way to go, if the aim is to help children and keep them safe.

ObviousNameChage · 22/06/2021 11:21
  • You are right. I guess I felt that forbidding it would only make it more attractive to him. Also, I didn't have an emotional support in place for him to turn to other than myself. He does open up her about the things that he is going through.*

Put some in place then. This girl is not equipped or have the spare mental and emotional energy to be a crutch for your son. You know she's troubled,you know she's struggling, you know she's self harming and possibly being abused. Does she really need your son's issues on top of it all?

It sounds like you were ok with it until it started having a negative effect on him. What did you expect? Even a normal 12 year old child would struggle to provide adequate and safe emotional support to a peer (much more so when they're the only outlet besides a parent). How did you think a 12 yo going through their own personal hell would cope and manage?

Stormyequine · 22/06/2021 11:22

If he was 15 I'd agree forbidding it would only make it more attractive but at 11 that is not the case. He is no where near emotionally mature enough to deal with the relationship and it is down to you to protect him. Bear in mind that as an adult you aren't sure how to react, how can he know the right thing to do at 11?

CallMeNutribullet · 22/06/2021 11:30

I'm genuinely disgusted that you see obvious signs a girl is punishing her own body (not eating/self harm), very clear signs she's being abused and you call that her being manipulative. In fact the issue is that your son is copy his friend, not that she's manipulating him. You've not referred to a single incidence of manipulation in any of your posts.

Who gets information that a child is being sexually abused and sits on it for a month because they don't believe them? You should be ashamed.

Eviethyme · 22/06/2021 11:32

At the end of the day... I don't see much parenting being done here.

He's been allowed to message someone enough that it's affected him. At 11 I would be reading all messages and banning phones as soon as there is a message i don't like because I AM THE PARENT!! Also that poor girl shouldn't have a phone if she goes around manipulating people BUT she should also trust that if an adult finds out about abuse allegations they have a duty to report it not just think ohh it's probably not true.

There is a lot of kid blaming going on but in my eyes it's all the adults that are fucking up here.

ObviousNameChage · 22/06/2021 11:34

@Stormyequine

If he was 15 I'd agree forbidding it would only make it more attractive but at 11 that is not the case. He is no where near emotionally mature enough to deal with the relationship and it is down to you to protect him. Bear in mind that as an adult you aren't sure how to react, how can he know the right thing to do at 11?
Probably because the friendship benefited OP and her son , and it still does to some level. It's just that now the negatives outweigh the benefits so it's suddenly became an issue. All the girl's fault of course.Hmm
updownroundandround · 22/06/2021 12:15

@HandsInHair

If you cannot get hold of the designated 'safeguarding' teacher at the school, ask for contact details for the school nurse as they can start the appropriate safeguarding protocols also.

If you cannot speak to either of these people in person (i.e not just leave a message), then you must inform Social Services to report Concern For Welfare report for this child. As both the school and a psychologist/psychiatrist has involvement with this child, SS will already have information about her. They will take her accusations seriously, and take the appropriate action.

Above all, you simply cannot 'sit on' this information, not even for a day !

As for the 'relationship' with your DS, I'd advise you to continue to talk to him about a more 'appropriate' way to help his friend/girlfriend.

I'd also be talking to him about the self harming, and try to get him to talk about why he does it. The more 'secretive' the act/actions, the more likely a child is to refuse to engage in any 'help'. So talk openly about self harm, and encourage your DS to open with you, without judgement.

Hopefully, he will engage with you and start being able to 'see' alternative strategies other than starvation and self harm.

Original poster
HandsInHair · 22/06/2021 12:27

"Probably because the friendship benefited OP and her son , and it still does to some level. It's just that now the negatives outweigh the benefits so it's suddenly became an issue. All the girl's fault of course."

Glad you can read minds. You should ask money for your services.

Why would this friendship benefit me at all?
Their friendship isn't just about this clearly. They can also be very sweet to each other with lots of 'I love you's' and them telling each other they are perfect. Banning the friendship would potentially negativly impact both of them. How does anyone know what the fallout from that could be?

When claims of "not being able to survive without each other" are being made by both of them, it is not so easy to decide what is the right thing to do.

OP posts: