Ds(11) in a manipulative relationship. What to do?

[HandsInHair]

My DS is 11 and skipped a year, meaning his classmates are mostly 12.
He is a sensitive and introverted boy. His dad and I recently got divorced and I moved out of the family home with his dsisters.
Since the beginning of may he has had a friendship with a girl in class that has very quickly turned very intense. They don't speak in person, it is all via text messages.
In theory, no problem, very cute. What is a problem is the intensity and the manipulation. All of a sudden my son is hurting himself, talking about suicide, not eating and wearing big jumpers in a heatwave.
I read their message conversation and it reads as if all thiese things are in reaction to her.
She is hurting herself, so he does too. She won't eat, so he doesn't either, etc. He packages it as if he are tying to 'help' her. As in, he won't eat until she does..
I know that there have been other incidents with other kids in their class. I contacted the mum of another boy who was best friends with her until she suddenly stopped and started a message group to bully the boy.
She is only a child so I am pretty sure she is not purposely trying to be manipulative, but I do believe she is troubled. And it is admirable my DS wants to help her. The trouble is thay he is also learning these manipulative behaviours. And he is hurting himself!

I am not sure what to do now. The school was involved in the previous incident(s). Do I involve them again? Do I invite her around?
I don't think forbidding contact is the way to go...

I have already called her parents to alert them to the suicide speak. In her messages she also says her father hurts her and she doesn't feel comfotable with him sexually. I have no idea what to do with that information.

Help me wise mumsnetters!!

Assuming you’re in England OP every school will have a designated lead for safeguarding. Its usually the headteacher or another senior leader. If you go on the school website it should be there.
All advice from safeguarding training emphasizes do not go wading in there yourself, pass the information you have to those who are appropriately trained.

Op what is exDH doing as he's got your son the most? He needs to be on board with supporting him

What about DS. Because regardless of what is happening to her, their relationship is manupilative. In both directions by the way.
The pattern I see is that she starts something new, not eating, wearing warm clothes, then he follows and does the same.
Also, If either of them don't respond straight away to a message, the other one bombards them with messages ending in 'I am useless, I hate myself' messages.
I also believe it is important for him to learn that this is not OK in relationships.

My DS knows I check his phone regularly. I could go through his messages with him and talk about how they make him feel. And have him reflect on how his messages make her feel. Would that be a good idea do you think?

Sorry, just saw you’re not in the U.K.

@SleepingStandingUp

Op what is exDH doing as he's got your son the most? He needs to be on board with supporting him

Where did you see he has my DS the most?

Op does your son live with you?

You should take his phone off him. Sit down with him and talk to him. At primary school he doesn’t need a phone yet.

Where did you see he has my DS the most?

Your OP says that you left the family home with his sisters when you got divorced. People are reading that as your DS stayed with his Dad. Is that not the case?

Yes he does. His dad lives abroad though so he has the phone mainly to stay in contact with him.

I have thought about taking his phone off him but it feels like I would be just punishing him. And he is also clearly vulnerable at the moment. I have reduced his screentime dramatically and changed the screentime passcode (he had hacked it).

@HaveringWavering

Where did you see he has my DS the most?

Your OP says that you left the family home with his sisters when you got divorced. People are reading that as your DS stayed with his Dad. Is that not the case?

No, I left with him and his sisters. I moved a mile and a half away from out previous home. Their dad lives abroad mainly and comes every 1,5 to 2 months. So my DC's are with my most of the time. He is aware of what is going on though.

I have been through exactly this, minus the divorce in the middle of it.

I informed the school (who did nothing), I involved police, took my son's phone off him for a week and kept him literally at my side when he wasn't at school, and got him psychological help.

Some four months later he had morphed into a much more confident boy and spontaneously announced he had "broken up" with the girl because she "was too much drama"

No problems since (one year)

What I learned is that if your own child has good esteem, confidence and boundaries that they are much better equipped to manage rather than get sucked into others' drama.

Wishing you well, I know it's tough.

Contact the front office at your child's school and tell them you need to speak to the deputy or principal. Here it's our deputy that would deal with this, probably in concert with the school psychologist whose only part time. We don't have anything like a safeguarding person, but all teachers and schools are mandatory reporters.

I'd screenshot the texts and send them to your phone. Its child protective services here that I'd contact as well as school and if school doesn't respond the police. I'm sure if you google child abuse and your country they'll be a number to call.

A psychologist will probably be more useful for your son here then a psychiatrist. What he probably needs is something like CBT to help him deal with what he's experiencing. I'd be having an age appropriate talk about your concerns for them both and telling him that you'll be seeking support for her as well as giving him all your support, that you're there to talk any time. That you understand what he's feeling and how he's trying to support her, but what she needs is mental health support to help her cope better and also the relevant people need to make sure her home life is safe. I'd be
keeping his phone while this gets sorted, allowing him supervised access only.

I would put a stop to this immediately. They’re still children, too young to be drawn into such dangerous relationships. And you can absolutely control your child’s social life at 11. Ban all contact, remove his phone. Your son is your responsibility - the girl is not. Report to school and let them deal with her. You certainly shouldn’t be speaking to her parents! Focus on protecting your own child.

Please OP, I'm pleading with you, please please contact social services for the child regarding the alleged physical and sexual abuse. Please please OP. Please please send them all messages which mention her being abused.

I was that child and it's hell on earth. I'm 25 now and still suffer with PTSD. Children very rarely lie about such things, it's most likely she is telling the truth. Even if she (very very unlikely) isn't telling the truth, social services will figure this out. She's only 12, I really believe she is being truthful. I really believe we all have to take responsibility to protect abused children and that when you know this it would be so awful not to help her. It isn't your responsibility to verify or disregard the claims, that's for social services, it's just your responsibility to pass on everything you know.

I think it's better to go straight to social services directly (and show them the messages of what she has written about the abuse). Going through school etc just adds in intermediaries which may result in chinese whispers of things not being passed on properly.

(Also for me, I was too frightened to talk so at 14 I told a friend, who told a teacher, who told the safeguarding teacher, who then never spoke to me about it like I had anticipated but instead there was a meeting between my mum, dad and safeguarding teacher where dad dismissed and manipulated and twisted everything and then the teacher never passed it on to social services. Things got worse and worse until I was very seriously injured (previously had only had bruises, cuts etc) and only then social services became involved when I was 16 already by that point! Even though it was ongoing since I was 4. So I really think it's best to go direct and tell them everything.)

I'm going to stop for now, but just please please speak to social services please

Call the NSPCC if you don’t know who else to call

Take the phone off him immediately. Eleven-year-olds do not need phones, and they are not equipped emotionally to deal with these messages. For goodness sake, step up. Call the police with the sexual abuse messages. Tell the school everything. This girl needs help and your son needs guidance. Do not contact parents. Your child has a week left, just remove him from school. You have a lot of work to do.

Could you report what she said about her dad to the equivalent of Social Services? Or even the police I suppose, or if you speak to the police they'll tell you who you'd be best to call.

I wouldn't tell the mum about it because the dad might up his abuse if that happens and the mum tells him, and unfortunately the mum isn't likely to remove the dad or anything.

I hope your DS finds the psychologist helpful. x Keep trying the psychiatrists' numbers until one of them's taking on a patient. Or the psychologist might be able to refer him/give you the number of someone they know if needed.

I can’t believe you are saying you’re unsure of whether or not to believe a 12 year old girl. She’s 12. 12! 12 year olds don’t make this shit up. It’s just not under the radar.

If you really want to help your ds, you report that shit NOW. The girl has some very extreme behaviours due to her abuse and you can help change these by reporting it. This will then in turn help your son.

Stop with the mindset that she’s abusing him. And start believing the victim. That’s 101. Believe the victim. Always.

*reporting it to the police.

Hurtandhurting makes a good point, that the school would only have to contact social services themselves (in a best case scenario- or other stuff like she described happened in her case might go on. ) so you might as well contact them directly.

12 year olds don’t make this shit up
Believe the victim. Always.

As a PP said, it's not our call to make, so in this sort of situation we should take it seriously and act on it, report it, err on the side of caution. That doesn't mean we have to believe or disbelieve anthing, just act appropriately to the situation.

No no Christ no ! What the hell have you been thinking ! You should of bypassed the school and went straight to the police , also you should of taken your sons phone away and meant sure he stayed Away from her even if that meant keeping him out of school for a week untill the police got it dealt with … none of this pussy footing around them THEY ARE CHILDREN god forbid she decided she wanted to take her own life and decided she didn’t want to do it alone and asked your son to do it with her ! Then you were left on this earth with out him because you didn’t act quick or harshly enough !!!

OP tell the school. It’s very simple, there is no decision to make here, no dilemma at all. You really are making it into something it isn’t because there is a blindingly obvious answer. You are not in a position to get to the truth, they are so stop fannying around on here and go in and speak to them in the morning.

Also, did you have a thread about the same thing a month ago as someone else mentioned? If so, what the actual f* are you thinking? Imagine your child told someone they were being abused and that adult did nothing apart from gossip about it to their friends.

I’m really hoping this thread is just attention seeking bull crap because if it isn’t you are making some astonishingly poor decisions as an adult and a parent.

Tell the school and tell the police and anyone else who can do something about it. Why on earth didn't you do something before now ?

Forbidding contact is exactly what you need to do. It is not for an 11 year old CHILD to help another child who is clearly troubled. Neither of them have the maturity to deal with this stuff. You are the adult. Take responsibility and end this. Report what you know about her abuse claims so that the girl gets the help she needs from ADULTS.

Why is your DS allowed to be in a relationship at 11 years of age? At that you absolutely get to control these things. How did it get to this? Irrespective, agree you need to alert the school.