Support needed for facing my horribly abusive ex

[Pebbledashery]

Here is my support thread.. Thank you everyone

It is sad - but I can now remember her with happiness and know that in a sense, she lives on in me I know that's a cliché - I'm very much my mother's daughter

Which also means keeping a constant awareness of my English and using correct grammar as she was a very good English teacher

@prettybird thank you, that's so poignant, I'm sure she was a very, very special lady xxxx
I hope she can send me some positive energy, feel like I need it!

Happy birthday @Pebbledashery glad to have been pointed towards your new post. It must be a very scary time for you, but you came through yesterday when you had doubts you could do that, so you'll get through the next few days. Your daughter needs you and to see you facing whatever comes before you. You're her superhero @Pebble.
We're all with you every step of the way.

Thanks everyone. Been spoilt by work colleagues today and my lovely neighbours just popped by with presents. Feel very touched.
Trying not to over analyse everything.. I keep thinking of subtle little things the judge did and said, like the comment with the screen. I also struggled with finding sections in the bundle as I was shaking so much and he asked my barrister to help me....my ex also struggled with the bundle and got left to deal with it. He also had to cut across his talking and told him to stop and the comment with the screen about keeping me safe. I know the judge can make any findings he sees fit so I hope he does take into account all the professional agency information.

Glad I’ve found your new thread OP as saw the last one was taken down and was worried if you were okay. Is there any timescale when you will find out the decision? The system is awful, you are the victim and yet you’ve been dragged through the legalities for such a long time and now going through the agony of waiting. I’ve read all your old threads. I am waiting a CPS decision whether my ex will go to court for a whole multitude of violent and sexual offences towards me and my DS.
It’s like a life in limbo, you can’t move on because your fate lies in others hands for their decision, and it feels so so unfair, especially when you know the truth in what you are saying but have to listen to an absolute low life lying through their teeth.
I know I am going to cry whichever decision is made for you, I am honestly keeping you in my prayers that the decision is the RIGHT one and it will be happy tears all round. You are so brave and so resilient (even though you may not feel it all the time)

Popping in from the last thread.

Good luck hope you’re not waiting too much longer.

Happy birthday too (hope your solicitor can give you the best birthday present) x

Hope today is an OK day for you and your daughter @Pebbledashery. You're doing so, so well. I think you're amazing.

I really hope that the judge is a clued up individual who will see through your ex's bullshit!!

Hi everyone x hope you're all ok.
I just find this wait agonising, it could be days or weeks till we receive his judgement, I have no idea..
I keep thinking of the worst case scenario, the way I was depicted by his barrister was just awful.. she kept saying it was a toxic relationship.. but a toxic relationship would have meant I would have stayed of my own free will and continue to make his life hell.. an abusive relationship is what I was fled. A victim doesn't have as much professional intervention as I did - the police, children's services, the midwife, Marac referrals, child protection, the health visitor, even cafcass have seen straight through his bllsht, my daughters Nursery provided a contact log of all the times I had told them I was in a domestically abusive relationship - they had even written in there that the staff felt intimidated by ex. I received a letter from the Police who support a definite injunction in place and have written in the letter he is a known violent and domestically abusive individual who has previous for assault, harassment and stalking.
My Barrister said in the closing submission that, everyone is wrong according to ex, the Nursery was wrong, the midwife was wrong, children's services was wrong, the police was wrong, marac was wrong.. and I infact have been depicted as fabricating a narrative that I was domestically abused...
I don't know why I am worry, but I am :(

Waiting is the worst, but I really think you are worrying unnecessarily. The most important witnesses are independent. It's not just your Mum and Dad or your friends saying he is abusive, it the official organisations.

They have no bias, so why would they state he is abusive if he is not. Judges have seen this a thousand times, they will not believe him.

Hope it soon for you.

I agree with Whatamessss - plus, I think his lawyer has subtly thrown him under a bus as well - she made him admit to abuse when she asked why you didnt go sooner to save your daughter from it - plus, look at all your evidence - there is tonnes of it.

I just want to give you an enormous hug right now - it will be ok, Im sure of it

Thanks everyone, the support I have received from you all has been so comforting.
I just know if they either make the worst findings against me, or no findings that domestic abuse occurred I will literally be shattered, I really will.
My Barrister said the Judge we had will do everything by the book because he was challenged by cafcass and we asked him to recuse himself on the basis of bias towards my ex..so I don't think he will put a foot wrong. I can only go by how sympathetic he was towards me and he didn't show that level of sympathy to my ex, other than telling him to sit down when he was showing fake remorse.
They are trying to say I shared the same views as him when he was abusing DD as I stood by and did nothing :( so essentially I thought the same as him. Felt like the worst mum in the world after that.

I’m so pleased to have found this new thread. I’m glad you’re still hanging in there, hopefully it won’t be too long until you find out the judgement.
Belated happy birthday x.

Just the wait is horrible, it really is.

Really thinking of you @Pebbledashery
I can't believe how horrid your exDP is.

I bet the judges see this narrative all the time. How the abuser suddenly portrays himself as the victim to the court - so hopefully will see right through him.

Hopefully it won't take long for a judgment xx

Am trying really hard to put it to the back of my mind, but just sick with worry - the thought of no findings being found against him makes me feel so broken, after everything he has put us through.
He will most certainly get the finding made against him for child abuse, no matter how many tears he cried in the witness box - doesn't excuse what he has done to DD and what he would be capable of in the future. He might do the amazing dad act for a short while but it's only a matter of time before she gets to see the real him and that's what I am terrified of.

You need to think of this as a means to an end.. if you get the result you want then it doesn't matter what a judge says. Rather than stressing about who said what, try and keep your eyes on the prize. I know it's difficult and if I were in your shoes I'd have crumbled by now. You are a strong woman and an amazing Mum

Do you have any mental health support or counselling Pebble? I can’t remember if you said or not, but it would probably be very good for you to help deal with all you went through before you left, and what you’re going through now.

I've got idva support where I live but my idva isn't that great.. My idva that I had in the area I fled from was just amazing and I miss her so much. I spoke to her every day for two months leading up to me fleeing. She still helps me now. I don't think I'm ready to access mental health support yet because my experience is ongoing and I'm still on autopilot at the moment. I work in the NHS though so I know I can access that as and when. My barrister said how many references there were from him regarding my mental health and how much he coerced me into thinking I had mental health problems. She read out all of the references in the bundle, she stopped after about 20 references.
I pray the judge saw right through him I really do.. He went from fake actress crying to arguing with my barrister.. During the adjournment I caught him laughing and joking with the ushers outside when I was walking back from the ladies.. He's a monster.

My barrister said how many references there were from him regarding my mental health and how much he coerced me into thinking I had mental health problems. She read out all of the references in the bundle, she stopped after about 20 references.

this is appalling..

good luck to you 🌸🌷

How is your dd? I do hope you get the result you're looking for and deserve.
Surely if he abused your daughter then can be no case to answer....did he hurt her,? If so then there can only be one outcome.
You have done the very best thing by leaving the area and getting you both to safety. Hold your head up high and never think you are the same scum he is.
Wishing you all the very best ❤

He did hurt her :( but I've been accused of standing by and doing nothing.. the times I tried to intervene I got hurt and then I was paralysed with fear, it felt like a fight or flight situation, I explained in Court that I will forever be guilty that I didn't do more to protect her, but I took her away from the abusive environment and we started again and for the first time in her life, she's safe.
I keep thinking the Judge has heard cold, hard evidence of him abusing his own daughter, it would almost seem unimaginable that he wouldn't perpetrate violence towards the mother of his child also.
The thought of him laying a finger on her makes my blood run cold... he might play this dutiful father act and oh I just want to see my daughter, but the minute we're out the court room and he gets unsupervised access - that is when it will all start.
My Barrister made the point of, if I had left a toxic relationship, why would I have left his house with only 3 black bin bags of possessions, all my possessions are still there which he refuses to give back to me, why would I live in hiding and not disclose my address which Children's Services also recommended I should do, never give him our location.

She's almost 3 x

this is appalling

I am sure they accept you were in a difficult situation....in the end you did the right thing. That counts for a lot.
I'm not sure what the abuse was but did it leave marks etc that have been documented.
I'm sure you have nothing to fear op.... I understand the uncertainty of it must be doing your head in.....but you've done the hard parts, living with him, leaving him, getting to safety, going to court, being in the same room as him again. Tick tick tick, they've all been done, you're coming through the ither side and I'm sure justice will prevail. Look how far you're come.....