Support needed for facing my horribly abusive ex

[Pebbledashery]

Here is my support thread.. Thank you everyone

Bless you Pebble. Keep going. x

I’ve followed your story but not posted before

I wish you all the luck in the world and pray that the justice system will do the right thing to protect your little one from your ex

He’s a monster.

Thank you.
Feel so trapped today. Having issues with the contact centre now, DD was allowed to play outside in a dirty park with him in the last session, I walk past this park every time I take her to the centre, it's disgusting. I've seem some very unsavoury people hang around there too. The following day she became ill with a chest infection and has been ill all week. Apparently that is my fault because I didn't give her coat to them "Just incase they decided to go out" the contact is supposed to take place in the centre and not in the park. I don't give my permission to take her to the park, it's just forced upon me by the contact supervisor.
Another incident occurred where he made her sick during contact by force feeding her when she didn't want to eat, he told her she had to eat the food and she was spitting out, she vomited straight after even before we pulled away from the contact centre, apparently that is my fault because I didn't say what she had eaten for breakfast.
The supervisor was trying to impose a communication book on us too, but was unaware there was a non-molestation order in place and that would breach the NMO. How could she not know there was a NMO in place, it was my exes solicitors responsibility to serve that to her but it wasn't.
I don't trust them at all and I don't know what to do because any attempt to remove them from supervising contact would be perceived as I am frustrating contact yet I have paid half for all sessions to date, I have only missed 2 sessions out of all due to illness and self-isolation. What can I do, it's a horrible vicious cycle, I don't feel DD is safe in their care because there has been too many issues. They frequently report that contact is positive and the best contact they facilitate, why is that ?? Because I DO NOT denigrate him in front of her, I have never once spoken badly of him to her, ever - I will not allow her to form a negative view of him as a result of me, I will not project how I feel on to her, because quite simply she has been through enough.
I feel like this contact centre will fast track him to having unsupervised contact.. because his reports are spotless.

Oh Pebble I really feel for you both, I’ve had the exact same things happen ref the contact centre. Taking them out without my knowledge, I was shocked CAFCASS had ordered supervision in the contact centre but they just said it was their discretion.
Also ref them saying it was the best contact they facilitated I had the same comments, despite mine crying going in and not being brought any snacks or drinks. I think it’s a spiel that they must say to everyone and the bar is set so very very low for these abusive men.

This is outrageous.

I have no words. I'd actually like a fully qualified family solicitor to come on here and argue the point on the S7.

CAFACASS, one woman in the SE of The UK took me through the DA&V section of the S7. I told her how bad it was. She then DELIBERATELY withheld the extreme stuff. Lied in the document presented as evidence and the judge had no choice but to take her word for it. I lost my children. I was driven to suicide.

There are some very VERY wicked people on this earth.

Be warned about both CAFCASS and the SS. There are so many power hungry abusers in there it is utterly terrifying. I nearly died because of what my ex and the Courts put me through. The hoops I had to jump. Going around in circles. And I was and still am a good person. Not an abuser.

The closed FCS is a government sanctioned license to abuse on a scale which is unfathomable to most. Its a system which must has transparency placed upon it.

I have no words. Its like being asked to complete a jigsaw puzzle without the picture. I'm pretty much convinced now that the system works to break the domestically abused. Despite what they say.

Be on your guard. Be ready. Be prepared.

I was raped, molested, throttled, attempted suicide and none of this was taken seriously. But especially CAFCASS who withheld extremely serious violations that I reported on the S7.

Why did you lose your children though? I'm trying to stay hopeful because the judge has ordered the former local authority to do the section 7, it was that same local authority that had multiple referrals from various different people and agencies and the local authority who assisted us in fleeing and advising I move as far away as possible.. So I would hope that the local authority social worker is a good one. All of the local authority social workers we've engaged with have been amazing.

I lost my hidden because a woman from CAFCASS lied on the S7 about the scale of the DA abuse.

I had taken an overdose because my ex had not only raped me. He then stalked me. Interfered with romantic relationships. Inteteferd with family relationships. The smear. I just had a breakdown.

I had little to no support. Because as a single mother I was run ragged whilst equally teaching. I just broke down. Lost everything. Him and his partner would not leave me alone
She was probably terrified she would be replaced. He was terrified I would find another.

Neither scenario was correct. I did not give two flying fucks about his new relationship because it kept him off my back.

I just wanted to have my kids (50/50) and my career. In the end I lost all and nearly lost my life. But my ex is a real psychopath. Unaware bit still.

Mel I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. That's terrible that really is. I think like any professions there are the good and the bad.
Pebble I'm sorry to hear you are having trouble with the contact centre. Who is it who actually supervises it? I think that you have to go with it to some extent. I seam to remember the contact centre my kids went to took them out once. Don't forget that the father also has PR, so as long as supervised should be safe. Next time just pack a coat.
I know its hard (cos I've been there) but you have to go with it. You have to been seen to be promoting contact. Also its still early days maintaining the positive contacts what's hard for these vile men. Just quietly sit in the back ground and see what unfolds.

I just feel like he is thinking this supervised contact is a fast track way to unsupervised.. But all its there to do is to allow DD to see him in a supposedly safe setting.

Wouldn't worry about what he thinks. He may just do one when things don't happen as quickly as he thinks!!

He won't. He'll be in our lives forever. Forcing his way in.

No he won’t be

You’ve come so far don’t lost heart now over the contact centre
Wait and see what happens in court
Sometimes it’s a long game but you have done everything right

He wants to wreck your head
Don’t give him the chance of smirking about it he isn’t worth it

@Pebbledashery

how are you?

don't cave now ... your doing great 🌸

Hey everyone x hope you're ok. Just thought I'd do an update as not been on here for a while now.. Just trying to practice mindfulness in terms of my life and this hanging over me. We have a hearing next week, it's listed for 15 minutes. It's basically the judgement will be handed down.. I basically have to listen to him explain why he made a finding I was physically and verbally abusive to my ex.. But I suppose his will be much much worse. I guess I have to pick my battles. I have a different barrister for this hearing as my usual counsel isn't available. I've looked him up and he looks like a rottweiler 🤣.. So anyway, the section 7 will formally be ordered and my counsel will stress it absolutely has to either be the former local authority (the one that assisted us in fleeing) or cafcass.. So I guess we'll see... My darling little girl, I feel so helpless. She continually says he's scary, he doesn't love her, he shouts, he hurts her.. I recorded her multiple times and will show it to whoever writes the section 7.. I always just tell her how much I love her and that I keep her safe when she says stuff like that as I can't paint this false image of him to her and lie.. I never talk about him to her, positively or negatively because I can't bring myself to.
My daughters health visitor has been great too, she said that if they speak to her with regards to the section 7 she will say that contact is very damaging to her and its traumatising her every time getting her ready for it. All I can do is just wait I guess.

Can I suggest that you discuss with counsel before the hearing that he covers what happens if the judge orders CAFCASS and not the old LA social services, and CAFCASS decides they shouldn't do it but SS should. Because if that happens you may be stuck with the SS in your new area.
Sometimes CAFCASS does this. If they do, the the order ought to specify if that happens that it should be the one that has already had dealings with you.
Also that whoever does the report must not mention where you live.

Hi All,

Hope you are well.

I had a hearing earlier, ex partner is trying to force the request for an independent social worker to do the section 7 as he thinks cafcass and the former local authority are biased towards me and an ISW would give a fresh pair of eyes on everything.. he also expects the legal aid agency to pay for this, even though it's his application for child contact.
He is also seeking to increase interim contact to weekly - meaning DD would spend 6 hours travelling to a contact centre every weekend..
I've opposed both of those requests, I take no issue with the former local authority doing the section 7, he thinks I have had a "quiet word" in Cafcass' ear. Is it common for an ISW to do a section 7 at all?...
Feel a bit scared, we have to have a separate hearing to address both matters.

You sound quite calm, Pebble, well done. I can't help with your questions but do be careful mentioning the timing of your DD travelling in any 'defence' stuff in case he might potentially work out roughly where you are.

How likely would it be for the judge to increase interim contact after findings of abuse have been made and a section 7 has not yet been completed.

I'm guessing he sees her at a contact centre? Is it even open weekly? The one my kids used wasn't.
Did he self represent?

The judge could order indirect contact on top of what he's getting already? Maybe a phone call to your daughter on the Saturdays he doesn't see her at the contact centre.

He can't have a video call as it's basically breaching the non molestation order, his counsel very clearly said that video contact wasn't workable or appropriate. The contact centre is open weekly.. In all honesty, if they order weekly contact in a contact centre I'll be breaching the order as it's just too much. 3 other judges have denied his request for weekly interim contact, the fact he's getting any contact he should be grateful. How could they possibly increase interim contact when such horrific findings have been made and pending a section 7 report and its outcome??

In general terms, an ISW will go into much more detail than CAFCASS do. They have the time because they are privately funded. Eg they may interview you several times, see DD several times, attend contact to observe it etc. But I've never seen one paid for by legal aid, it's usually the preserve of those who can afford it. CAFCASS usually only have time to scratch around the edges.

How often is it agreed in court for an isw to do the section 7..moreover, I thought because pd12j is engaged it has to be the local authority or cafcass.

I’m certain the court will take an “it it ain’t broke don’t fix it” approach or if there are no concerns from their perspective about the quality and each of current agency involvement regarding section 7 reports then your ex will not get what he wants

It’s very very thinly veiled attempt at control on his part really

Has your solicitor asked about a cafcass guardian? They are different from a cafcass officer as their used for cases where there is significant safeguarding conserns or a more difficult/complicated case. I found the guardian in my case to be fantastic much better than the ss social worker. I would look into it and speak to your solicitor regarding having one, I think it's the courts who decide if it can happen as their funded by legal aid as your child is a minor.