I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

You haven't even realised that he won't want 50:50.

He will threaten it to bully his slave to stay but he won't even take them to school one day.

Another truth is that your DC grow up and move on and you need more in your life than just them or you will turn into your MIL anyway by living your life through them.

At the moment not having them most of the time is terrifying and saddens you because they are literally all you have. A new life will be different and better and more fulfilled whether you have them 50% or 90%.

You have the right to have 1st refusal on having the children before he uses childcare whether it be a nanny or family so the only way for him to have 50:50 is change his life to actually look after them himself. It's not going to happen!

That's one of the things that keeps you stuck, the 'mythical' his job is so important that you have to be on call to do all school runs. Because that's your assigned role. I had that plus the 'I've been playing sport since I was 14' therefore I can't stop or cut down to be with my family. And like you, I passively accepted it because that was what I was trained to do. You won't change this. You have to walk. He's not going to give up his privileges whatever you do. Get some therapy, it will be life changing, in a good way.

OP you need to find real life support.
It's patently not best for your kids to stay in this relationship and I think that is obvious to posters here.
I realise you have concerns about your kids visiting DH but these can be addressed, and are in no way a reason to stay. Focus on your kids. Staying in this relationship is the most damaging thing you can do to them and they will eventually judge you for it.

Is it true that if he has them 50/50 and then puts them into long hours childcare I would get first refusal? Or is it just his time? I keep getting mixed answers when I try and find out.

@Treasurechestnerd

I asked if I could have a night away in a few weeks after a concert that would finish late. He has said no because he can’t get the children up and out for school in the morning.

He is having two nights away golfing the weekend after next.
I envy his freedom.

Book a hotel. Text him when you're out and say I've decided to stay overnight. When he complains innocently say 'oh I thought it would be ok since you're having two nights away. ' Better still , get him out now before the concert. I sound flippant and I know it's not that easy OP but you really need to end this.

What do you hope to achieve by these discussions on here OP?

It's a detail you get sorted out in mediation (ha ha ha ha) or court. You are established primary carer that is not automatically overruled to 50:50 even though 50:50 is a starting point.

@Treasurechestnerd

Is it true that if he has them 50/50 and then puts them into long hours childcare I would get first refusal? Or is it just his time? I keep getting mixed answers when I try and find out.

Firstly, he will not be awarded 50/50 given everything you've posted. His solicitor may argue this pre court in order for a better settlement as your H knows it scares you. Dont let it.

You need some specialist advice from a decent solicitor.

50/50 is unlikely however I'd like to suggest that 50% of the time as a very unlikely worst case scenario where the dc are cared for by family or paid childcare then 50% with a happy, loving mum would still be preferable to 100% of the time in the current unhappy environment

My siblings and I all wished that our mother would leave my father. She would never have said that he was "abusive", either. They remained married until he died. However, none of us has ever had a healthy, functioning relationship and we are all single (in our fifties and sixties). My brother wrote such a truthful eulogy that we had to talk him out of it, to protect our mother's feelings at the time, although in honesty we wish that she'd left.

This will seriously impact your children and what they consider to be normal.

@Treasurechestnerd every update you post makes your situation sound worse and worse. You have to ask for money? You asked to stay away overnight? That's not a marriage that's a controlling situation.
I think you should start confiding in one or two people in real life what your situation is like. And also see if you can see a counsellor on your own for you. I think you are conditioned to behave in a certain way, so this is normal to you.
We are a bunch of strangers on the Internet telling you its abusive, but maybe if you can confide in some trusted people it will help you to take small steps to stand up for yourself more. And yes maybe see your H for what he is and claim your life back

Don't use your DD as an excuse not to leave. You are allowing enormous amounts of damage to happen to your children.

You're just making up excuses not to leave.

Obviously he's an absolutely awful person. That is not going to change. The question is how you deal with that to best protect your children. Leaving is quite obviously the first step.

@sadperson16

What do you hope to achieve by these discussions on here OP?

This, 100%. Stop asking here and go and see a solicitor. Collect up as much financial information as you can get your hands on and book to see a decent solicitor on your next day off. It will not be free (whatever anyone on here says about free hoùrs) but consider it an investment in your future. And your husband will not want then 50:50 when he gas then 0 now.

Oh and you're being financially abused- make sure you ask your solicitor about that too.

It’s never as black and white as he’s awful though, this is where it’s hard.
Occasionally he will do something more reasonable. He’s good at the holidays but not very good on the day to day. He says it’s because he is so stressed and busy when he’s working.
My family don’t like him and won’t spend any time with him but my parents are encouraging me to stay until dd is older. I find this hard too, I know it should only matter what I want but I feel like the people who should be on my side are basically saying it doesn’t matter that I’m unhappy and I’ve just got to wait another ten years. And then I think, they must be right. It doesn’t matter and I will have to wait.
I’m not very decisive or confident, I put more store by what my parents say than I should as an adult and I don’t trust myself.

Your parents are likely not wanting the "shame" of you divorcing or living in some not nice house/area or some other ridiculous superficial reason rather than acknowledge his abuse or the fact you have to ask his permission to have a night away whilst he does exactly as he wants.

You married stuck with him at some level suits them more than your uni happiness. They can't stand him yet sacrifice you to him??? Sounds like they taught you that your needs don't matter, no wonder you ended up with an abusive husband.

Of course you don't wait until your DD is older. Why? So you can continue to be unhappy and show your children how to remain in an abusive relationship.
He doesn't have to be beating you up and verbally abusive daily to count as abuse. Its not black and white you are right, but the way you live now is so wrong, and he doesn't treat you as an equal. He isn't fair with money or time. You are not equal in this relationship.
Its a shame your parents have those views but they are wrong I'm afraid. You certainly don't need their approval to leave.
Your lack of confidence comes across very clearly in your posts OP, and this is where speaking to an independent counsellor would help you. To find your own opinion and to get your own views.
Please try and find someone to speak to, to help to see things more clearly in your own mind.

Possibly. My mother was keen for me to marry him originally. The boyfriend I’d had before she hadn’t liked at all and so she when DH proposed six weeks into our relationship she encouraged me to get married. I was 20 at the time.

I feel like the people who should be on my side are basically saying it doesn’t matter that I’m unhappy and I’ve just got to wait another ten years

Well - you're saying the same thing to your daughter who has made it very clear how she feels about your father.

Just leave! Im not saying it will be easy at first but you know you have to. Why waste your life with such a horrible lazy pathetic man? Money isn’t everything but you will be eligible for financial help.
It sounds like you’re kids don’t even like him and trust me you’d be doing them a huge favour.
Don’t let the fear of him going for 50:50 stop you. Firstly I think it’s unlikely he’d want that when he can’t even seem to look after them by himself and he’s have to sort childcare for them. Speak to a solicitor for advice.
Imagine being free of him and the thought of him having to do things for himself should make you happy.

Your parents are encouraging you stay in a relationship that's unbearable, not only for you but for your children. The rest of your family won't be around him, why on earth should they expect their own daughter and grandchildren to be? You have to accept they're wrong in this and look to yourself as a mother and a grown women - you need to take control of your life OP. Please seek some professional help and get out.

You currently hold an advantage that this move is yours, you're in a better position than most to separate right now (circumstances can change) you just need to find your strength, if not for you for your children, who are telling you in every way they're not happy.

It's not black and white which makes it hard, totally understand. However, I can categorically state that what your parents think doesn't matter. They aren't living your life, they aren't being worn down mentally day in, day out. The fact they dislike him is a positive and you can benefit from it. They are likely to give you support when it comes to it. Mine sided with my ex husband. I am now NC with all of them which has proved to be a blessing. Waiting until your children are older will not benefit them or you. In fact, you will probably be better off financially in a divorce if they are still dependent.

Not being able to know your own mind is a symptom of brain washing @Treasurechestnerd. I know that feeling. You don't trust your own thoughts because outside influences contradict you. Your head is on a constant too and fro about wanting to leave, rationalising it's not so bad because other people can't see it. Am I right? But you have to remember other people bring their own agendas to the table, good, bad, unknowingly.

If I can persuade you to take one positive action, it's to get some therapy to get your thoughts sorted. A therapist is on your side. Trust in someone who has no skin in the game and see where it leads you.

Waiting until your children are older will not benefit them or you. In fact, you will probably be better off financially in a divorce if they are still dependent.

This from both a maintenance and a divorce settlement point of view. Far better to deal with it all now and be happy and settled when dc are ready to fly the nest for all of your sakes

It is a constant back and forth, that’s exactly how it is. I think I can’t stand it and then I think my parents are saying I’ve got to wait so I’ll have to wait.
The dc love DH though, dd in particular is set on a nuclear family.
I’m also going to need my parents to help me because if DH won’t leave I’d need to go there.

This is different to your previous posts where ds said he wished you'd never met his father and dd acknowledged at just 5 years old that grandad was the one that deserved parenting recognition. All 5 year olds long for a nuclear family despite whether it's actually best for them in the long run