I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

OP, don't feel pressurised to move more quickly than you feel able. I remember another thread on here by a poster who at the outset didn't really even begin to understand how abusive her husband was and she felt frozen but slowly she worked towards ultimate freedom, it took four full threads but she made it and so can you.

I have read all of the advice on this thread and I am trying hard to accept it and take it in.
I still struggle to view DH as abusive, I tend to think it’s more that he’s very lazy and used to doing what he wants.
Ds said to me on Wednesday that he wishes I’d never met his dad. Between that and dd and the Father’s Day card I’m feeling pretty low.
It’s weird about the card isn’t it - I mean it’s not because I understand why but it’s a clear illustration that things aren’t normal in our house. Isn’t it? I mean I’d have always made my card for my dad.

I think if it wasn’t for the money stuff I’d say he’s possibly just a lazy shit who was brought up in a world where men are kings and women are serfs and that’s how he likes it. But denying you access to money to the extent he does is definitely extremely controlling and abusive.

Both your kids have given you very clear messages they don’t enjoy having him in their lives. Maybe see if you can take just one tiny step forward towards a life on your own with them, and see how that feels. And let yourself start to really imagine life without him and what it would feel like. It’s possible.

It's very bad that your kids are both telling you these things.
They must feel very unhappy.
Please look at what you can do about it, while deciding what you actually will do about it.

How is the search for a therapist going?

Your 12 year old son with additional needs is telling you he wishes you had never met his father??? Really????

It doesn't matter what label you give it abuse/lazy or whatever.
I do understand something of what you re going through. I couldn't get my head around the fact that my parents were abusive, because I didn't know any different.

I still struggle to view DH as abusive, I tend to think it’s more that he’s very lazy and used to doing what he wants

The how do you explain no access to joint finances and pocket money when pregnant??

Ds said to me on Wednesday that he wishes I’d never met his dad. Between that and dd and the Father’s Day card I’m feeling pretty low

Even your children don't want to be around him yet you seem determined to put them and yourself through this all because you don't want to be a single parent.

You can never change this man and have two choices...

1. Stay, accept it keep quiet and crack on (because complaining is clearly getting you nowhere)

1. Remove yourself and your children from this awful situation and do something about it.

He has you exactly where he wants you doesn't he? Ground down and with no access to a support network.

If you want to stay there stay there, but if you're willing to tolerate it is there anything to complain about?

Your attitude is unusual op. There's unfortunately many many women who suck up being miserable themselves for (what they believe to be) the benefit of their children. But, when your children are miserable too; it literally makes zero sense. Why why do you believe you're here to serve your husband?

Your attitude is unusual op. There's unfortunately many many women who suck up being miserable themselves for (what they believe to be) the benefit of their children. But, when your children are miserable too; it literally makes zero sense.

I agree

I still struggle to see DH as abusive , that's exactly what I thought about my ex husband, hence Stockholm Syndrome when I went into therapy. Now all I can see, when I think about his behaviour, is abuse. He got away with pretty shitty selfish behaviour because I didn't recognise it.

They don't have to beat you up for it to have a detrimental effect on your selfish esteem and mental health. It still makes me angry how poorly he treated me and our DD. It seemed normal and that came from my upbringing. My brother is like it, my dad was like it and my DM supported and enabled it.

I asked if I could have a night away in a few weeks after a concert that would finish late.
He has said no because he can’t get the children up and out for school in the morning.

He is having two nights away golfing the weekend after next.
I envy his freedom.

OP does he ask you if he can have a weekend away? Or does he make plans and then tell you?

I asked if I could have a night away in a few weeks after a concert that would finish late.
He has said no because he can’t get the children up and out for school in the morning. He is having two nights away golfing the weekend after next. I envy his freedom

What the actual f*ck

....... your own CHILDREN have told you that they do not want their father in their lives!!!!

Seriously: what ELSE will it take for you to actually do what you NEED to do???!!!!!!

I get it that you've been ground down by years of abuse, but seriously? You are an adult woman, a mother - what will it take for you to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children?

Yeah...don't use "I dont want to be without my kids 50% of the time" as an excuse for staying. You know that's not going to happen. They reason you're not leaving is because you don't want to.

That man will not be interested in 50/50 time with his kids.
What is the point of posting updates of how awful he is, while telling us he doesn't seem so bad?

@Treasurechestnerd

I asked if I could have a night away in a few weeks after a concert that would finish late. He has said no because he can’t get the children up and out for school in the morning.

He is having two nights away golfing the weekend after next.
I envy his freedom.

'I can't get the children ready in the morning' Laugh and head tilt. 'What on earth do you mean? They're 12 & 5 and your own children. I'm capable of doing it every day. What is it that you find difficult?'

Also - the 50/50 thing. I think you're hanging on to this as an excuse. He has just told you he can't get his children ready in the morning for one day. Bank that. How could he look after them 50:50?

I have read this thread , started off feeling sympathetic and supportive towards you but now that you are clearly ignoring your DC’s feelings , I am growing angry that you refuse to take action . You have no intentions of leaving have you ? And yes i was once in an abusive marriage so I do understand how hard it is but I put my DC first.

Oh and there’s no way he will want 50/50.

Perhaps use the weekend he is out of the house to organise your thoughts and plan for a future.

If you are unwilling to seek professional help, you will be back here in 6 months and your son will be a teenager.
Since he earns a fortune perhaps you could buy in help for the weekend he is all alone with the children?
What type of job is he in?

Also - the 50/50 thing. I think you're hanging on to this as an excuse. He has just told you he can't get his children ready in the morning for one day. Bank that. How could he look after them 50:50?

This this THIS! So you can scrap that off his threat list- it will never happen.

What would happen if you were ill or had to go into hospital for a few days? How would he cope?

Please listen to your children- they have both made it very clear they don't want to live like this, with him.

What does your Dad think about this, have you spoken to him?

OP my ex was very similar and the family background with MIL running around serving the menfolk was the same too. I earn half what you do, and wasn't married so no divorce payment. He hides all his money so get a few quid for CM. We manage fine and dc always have trainers that fit. PP's have pointed out you'll be entitled to quite a bit in your circumstance and a lawyer has said it will be easy but you've chosen not to believe her professional opinion based on no real grounds.

You're worried about 50/50 but neither child want that and that's very telling. They won't just send one dc off without her brother when both are expressing they don't want to go. They are unlikely to award 50/50 to such an uninvolved dad even if dc were open to it / but they're not!

You're doing too much not just for your H but for your dc too. Your 5 year old can brush her own hair and teeth, dc can get their own snacks after school , dd can clear the table and ds can wash the dishes. You don't need to iron everything- I honestly can't remember last time I got my iron out.

Out of interest did you ever actually ask for mine I for clothes for dc? Did you say I need money to get this? Or did you just quietly go to your aunt? I agree your H has been financially abusive but have you even questioned it?

I have asked for money before for things and there’s been a range of responses - sometimes he says yes, no problem, here’s my card (which I don’t love because I feel awkward taking his card in case it doesn’t work or they question it), sometimes he says yes, get it and I will give you the money (and then he doesn’t) or sometimes he says ‘bank’s closed, no more money this month.’
Often he will say - I’m not spending anymore money this month. Or - what happened to the last pair of trainers (or whatever it is) that they had? Or - I give you money every month, you’re not having anymore.
I don’t like asking. I really don’t. It’s always felt awkward. I didn’t ask my aunt to clothe them but she’s aware of the situation and so she just does. Not now I’m working but when I was at home she bought them a lot and she’d ask if they needed anything.

I really don’t want him to have them 50/50. My solicitor thought it unlikely but said we had to accept it was a possibility.

Re doing too much - I do more for ds than dd because of the fact he has SEND. His organisation is affected and he’s all over the place without direction. He’s bright and astute in someways but operates like a child quite a lot younger than him in other ways.

He is having two nights away golfing the weekend after next. I envy his freedom

This is just weird. You envy something your enabling - its so frustrating OP.

I can identify alot with @Dacquoise posts - she has offered some advice that I see as being really beneficial in your situation, please have a read back.

@Treasurechestnerd

I asked if I could have a night away in a few weeks after a concert that would finish late. He has said no because he can’t get the children up and out for school in the morning.

He is having two nights away golfing the weekend after next.
I envy his freedom.

Does that prove to you that he doesn't actually want 50:50 because he might have to actually do some parenting.

I don’t like asking. I really don’t. It’s always felt awkward. I didn’t ask my aunt to clothe them but she’s aware of the situation and so she just does

If she's aware if the situation why isn't she telling you to get out!?

There's alot of enabling going on here, your children seem to be the only ones speaking up about this dire situation! That's not right OP.