I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

I Do you really think he'll want 50/50? He's lazy and it sounds like he wouldn't have a clue how to look after them or would want to entertain them on his own.

I hope your parents will give you the emotional support you need. Obviously if your daughter loves her grandad so much that she made a card for him and not her dad, your Dad will help you extricate yourself from the marriage. Can they help you financially at the outset ?
Once the ball is rolling I hope your abusive husband will be made contribute what he should.
Wishing you the best, OP
You deserve it.

Well, after 15 pages, you’ve made it very clear that you want to stay.

You don’t want to leave, you just want a whinge. Which is fine, lots of people want to do that, and that’s totally okay. MN is a great space to have a vent. But you’re wasting poster’s time and their emotional energy by leading them on that you’d entertain leaving.

@BobLemon

Well, after 15 pages, you’ve made it very clear that you want to stay.

You don’t want to leave, you just want a whinge. Which is fine, lots of people want to do that, and that’s totally okay. MN is a great space to have a vent. But you’re wasting poster’s time and their emotional energy by leading them on that you’d entertain leaving.

It's really disheartening but I feel your right.

There's some invaluable advice on this thread, here's to the hope that it'll help someone in a similar position.

I sometimes think we should have a bundle of threads named "Read This Before You Become a SAHM". Not to stop people making that decision, but ensuring they make that decision with their eyes open and can mitigate the risks as best they can. I'd put this thread in that vundle. Everybody thinks it'll never happen to them, but presumably OP never thought on her wedding day or the day she handed in her notice that she'd be here one day.

No-one would believe it was going to happen to them.

@Treasurechestnerd

He pays most of the bills to be fair. He pays most of the food. I pay for childcare and dc activities and clothes. Also because i have them at the weekends when he goes to golf I pay for whatever we do then as well. It’s ok now I’m back at work, the time I was a sahm was really tight.

the time I was a sahm was really tight

Where did you get money from then, as you had no earnings?
Stingy pocket money from H?

Hi,

I can understand why you want to stay.

I wondered if I could ask a question?

It seems as though your husband thinks he is in an ultra-traditional marriage where you do the house and children stuff and he earns the money. But why is he not giving you the money? If you are in that ultra-traditional marriage, then you should not also have to go out to work to earn money to run the house. That's just bizarre.

I think it would be well worth your trying to get him to hand over a lot more of the money.

If you are genuinely dealing with a compete knuckle dragger, have you considered offering to take over the tedious drudge work of managing the money entirely yourself? If all the savings were in your name, then the interest would be taxed much more leniently because of your lower earnings. It makes a lot of sense that you should have all the savings in your own savings accounts, that are solely in your name. Also then your DH would not have all the extra work of investing it to cope with.

For bonus fun, if you took control of the money, then you would be able to run the house much more effectively, with a little bit of outsourcing, and he could carry on resting on his behind with a clear conscience.

Would that help any?

Just read today's updates.

You need to get legal advice or, at the very least, counselling for yourself.

There's no point whining on here, alternately with telling us it's not so bad really.

I’m not just whinging, I do want a change.
It’s just really really really hard, it’s all I’ve known and I can’t discern between normal and not normal.
I don’t know what it’s like for anyone else and I don’t know how ‘bad’ this is.
I suspect I will have to sit on the edge of leaving for a while, back away, and then go back again several times before I actually do it. I can’t do it any faster than I am. I am trying. It’s the practical stuff but it’s more feeling that I can. I don’t feel very capable, I feel I’m one of life’s losers generally, I’ve made bad decisions at every turn. What if leaving is another bad decision? I don’t trust myself.

Yes - when I was a sahm I had pocket money. How demeaning.

Take it from us: it is that bad.

The fact that your H (I'll be damned if I refer to him as "D") let you go into debt for his DC while he sat on a pile of cash, and didn't "let" you claim CB even though it would have cost him nothing and wouldn't even have put any immediate money in your pocket but would have benefited you long term, is obscene.

Would you treat someone you loved like this, denying them and your own children any decent share of money, leaving them crying or vomiting without a single kind word much less help? Would you even treat someone you disliked that way?

Imagine your DD is 25, and is describing her mum and her mum’s life to her friends. What do you want her to be saying? Go make that life happen.

If you stay, she could end up describing you exactly how you describe your MIL, maybe with a bit more pity, or maybe with more anger. And she will probably go on the create the same kind of life that you have, demeaning and exhausting herself for some utterly selfish arsehole who doesn’t care about her, because that’s all she knows and she thinks it’s probably normal.

It isn’t normal. Life is supposed to be much much much better than this. Not leaving is a decision too.

I did that OP for several years and it's my biggest regret that I didn't leave sooner. My children have now (5 years later) spoken about their experience - please don't think that they're unaware. And I have no regrets about leaving him now - my life is infinitely better even if I'm worse off financially.

Your H absolutely is abusive. I think you would feel much more empowered if you had legal advice and you had worked out what you would be entitled to in terms of the house, benefits and maintenance.

@Treasurechestnerd, I get how hard it is, been there myself and in a very similar situation. Have a look at some of my other posts. What helped me was going to therapy. I started it to help me get through the initial 'shock' of actually doing something about my life and like you I was completely confused about how 'bad' it was.

As I said, I had cPTSD and Stockholm Syndrome from a lifetime, from childhood, of being trained to put myself last, to ignore the emotional abuse of my family and then my exhusband. I did the stepford wife bit of keeping an immaculate home, being the 'perfect' mother and doing everything. It never occured to me to be more demanding of the other people round me.

My DM was the matriarch of the dysfunction which had been passed to her from her family. Men are kings, they deserve all the downtime, they should be looked after. I even had pocket money from husband when I was a SAHM which I had to fight for and he lied about how much he was earning - £350p/m to me, £8,000 p/m to him.

My family sided with my ex husband when we split. It was bewildering and like you, I wasn't sure of myself. In my head I went backwards and forwards between righteous indignation and anger and rationalising that it wasn't so bad. But it was. You have had 15 pages of people telling you how bad your situation is.

However, after a lot of therapy, which I won't lie to you, was very painful I am a completely different person. It completely rewired me to see what is right and wrong. I am independent and self confident. I don't suffer fools anymore and I like myself. You can have that too.

@Treasurechestnerd

I cannot make him. I have stood, crying because I’m so tired (sorry, I know it’s pathetic) in the kitchen whilst ironing and he’s come in to get himself a drink and then just gone back into the other room. I have told him I can’t keep on like this. When he stuck his head in the kitchen this evening and asked me to phone the dentist to make an appointment for him when I ‘get a minute’ tomorrow I could have throttled him.

The answer to his request is ‘Fuck off’ I too had an lazy b.....d for a DH until I refused to do anything for him, that pulled him up pdq when suddenly he didn’t have any clean clothes, meals etc (meal-wise he came home hungry and I was just finishing my delicious meal!) I bought myself a supply of M&S ready meals, delicious puds etc and labelled them with a ‘Hands Off’ 😋

You're being used as a live in maid.

No access to the joint finances and you pay for everything for the children????

I stopped doing his laundry. Now he takes it all to his mother’s

My legs would be sealed shut forever, no joke.

Is he PAYE?

Just so you know no amount of pleading screaming or crying is going to change this.

The only way it will change for you is if you remove yourself from the situation.

You will get maintenance and are entitles to a share of marital assets. Put the fucking ironing down stop crying and see a solicitor ffs.

The time has come to grow a spine!

Also just so you know, NONE of this is normal

You've not answered my question OP. Does he EVER tell you he loves you, or shows you any affection whatsoever?

If you wonder how bad it is OP, it's about as bad as I've read on here. He abuses you in almost every way. What a vile arsehole he is.

The thought of leaving him must seem like an unclimbable mountain currently but you don't have to do it immediately or all at once. You can take baby steps without him even knowing what you're planning initially. The posters on this board are absolutely fantastic, a lot have been through what you're currently dealing with, they have a massive amount of knowledge and advice and will support you on your journey.

Good luck on taking the first baby step

@Treasurechestnerd

I’m not just whinging, I do want a change. It’s just really really really hard, it’s all I’ve known and I can’t discern between normal and not normal. I don’t know what it’s like for anyone else and I don’t know how ‘bad’ this is. I suspect I will have to sit on the edge of leaving for a while, back away, and then go back again several times before I actually do it. I can’t do it any faster than I am. I am trying. It’s the practical stuff but it’s more feeling that I can. I don’t feel very capable, I feel I’m one of life’s losers generally, I’ve made bad decisions at every turn. What if leaving is another bad decision? I don’t trust myself.

Yes - when I was a sahm I had pocket money. How demeaning.

It is hard. It will continue to be hard. Divorce isn't easy, especially when children are involved. But it is disingenuous to say that you don't know how bad things are. On this thread alone (and I gather you have posted about your marriage before), you can see the unanimous conclusion that your husband's behaviour is appalling and unlikely to change. And why should he, since his life is arranged exactly as he likes and he seems to have no regard for you or the children. So it is up to you to make changes.

I really understand the emotional paralysis that can set in when faced with a difficult, life-altering decision. But please do use this thread as your catalyst to push you out of complacency.

It’s hard when he’s in the house all day but you have daytimes when the kids are at school. Maybe book a few days off work without telling him, spend some time in the library resting and researching and go see a solicitor. Tell people in real life the truth of what your life is like. Are your parents nice? Tell them. You have to get out of this marriage. Do it for your kids if you can’t do it for yourself.

Yes he tells me he loves me and I’m his ‘precious princess.’
I do believe he loves me, as an object though, I’m a possession.

It is paralysis. I constantly feel like I’m hanging on by my fingertips but not yet able to let go.

Just listen to people here. Re-read all your threads. He’s treating you like shit and people don’t treat precious things like shit. It’s so upsetting to see how trapped you are. Somehow, you have to find the strength to leave.

It’s beside the point whether or not he thinks he loves you. Thinking about him is a waste of your energy. Your life is truly horrible, and only you can make it stop, by leaving.