I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

@Treasurechestnerd

Yes he tells me he loves me and I’m his ‘precious princess.’ I do believe he loves me, as an object though, I’m a possession.

It is paralysis. I constantly feel like I’m hanging on by my fingertips but not yet able to let go.

He loves what you do for him. He couldn't care less about your wants and needs. He loves you like I love my slow cooker.

You must find a way to get out, bit by bit if necessary. This is the only life you have and it's a tragedy to waste it on an abusive pig of a man to whom you're nothing but white goods in a skirt.

He may love you, but he doesn't CARE for you. He has no desire to make sure you are alright and shows no sign of wanting to make you happier.
It's easy to say you love someone, a lot harder to show it.

What a tough situation you're in op.

I'm currently laid up with a terrible chest infection. I have no energy and am struggling to eat. We have 2 dc to sort every day. My DH is knackered but he is literally doing EVERYTHING for the family. I can't right now. That's what partners do. They step up. Yours isn't.

Nobody is saying you have to pack a bag and run away.
Find a therapist. Work out a route with support

OK well at least you know where you are OP, but rather than keep going in circles, refocus your mind on building up the strength and confidence to leave. I think what you need is a counsellor, so arrange that and just tell him it’s physio if you need to say something.

Saying you’ve always been a looser is a way of letting yourself off the hook and of creating a distraction - you know a load of people on here will rush to tell you you aren’t. Well you aren’t, so move past that and focus on working towards making this change,

You are good at creating distractions that allow you not to act I think. But the only people you are hurting is yourself and your kids. You do know how bad your husband is, and you do know you will be ok financially. It is frightening, but work towards facing the fear in a practical way.

Now please go sort out a counsellor, now.

You are good at creating distractions that allow you not to act I think. But the only people you are hurting is yourself and your kids. You do know how bad your husband is, and you do know you will be ok financially. It is frightening, but work towards facing the fear in a practical way.

Painful though this may be to acknowledge OP, it's bang on.

This is negatively affecting your children and giving them incredibly unhealthy relationship blueprints.

This is negatively affecting your mental health.

You will be fine financially.

You have a choice in this, more than many women who leave with nothing. Your children don't have a choice.

Please don't stay with him and do them further damage.

Everyone is giving you great advice, and you're making excuses for him so what was the point of making this thread?

You either leave him and enjoy your life, and allow your children to enjoy their lives, or you carry on and accept that you've accepted this as your reality.

I'd be taking all of the incredible advice on this thread and getting myself organised personally, but you can't really keep complaining to mumsnet if you're not going to take some steps to change your situation yourself.

No one else can do this for you.

It may well take you a couple of false starts to actually get out the door OP, but one day either something will happen or you’ll just wake up and know, you’re going. It usually isn’t as easy as just leaving, especially when you have DC, but you can start making little steps towards the exit, whether financially, emotionally or practically, and eventually you will be right there ready. There is a happy independent life out there for you, have faith.

What would the end of your tether look like? Do you really want to reach it? What would it take for you to leave?

@Treasurechestnerd

Yes he tells me he loves me and I’m his ‘precious princess.’ I do believe he loves me, as an object though, I’m a possession.

It is paralysis. I constantly feel like I’m hanging on by my fingertips but not yet able to let go.

That's pretty grim.

Thank you for answering my question, Treasure.
Yours is no way to live a life. You ought to feel like the princess he says you are, but you do not. You deserve to feel valued and loved.
You might be his 'precious princess' but his is definitely NOT your prince.
A wise lady I used to work with (when I was going through a bepreaknup) told me you need to put a price on yourself, and if he can't pay, get rid and find someone who can. I did both those things, but only you can make the decision for you.
I wish you all the strength in the world

I'd be taking all of the incredible advice on this thread and getting myself organised personally, but you can't really keep complaining to mumsnet if you're not going to take some steps to change your situation yourself.

No one else can do this for you

Seconded.

Where there's a will there's a way.

You are in a better position than MANY women who need to escape an abusive reĺationship!

But you need to WANT to do it.

It is paralysis. I constantly feel like I’m hanging on by my fingertips but not yet able to let go.

If you do let go, a parachute will open to bring you safely to earth.
Or if you don't have a parachute, we will all be here to catch you.

Op, I hope you take all the good advice here. However, ignore anyone saying you can't keep complaining to MN etc. They're not the MN police. Keep complaining, keep posting.

You've gotta take control back. Leave him and then he will have to do every other weekend.

Maybe you can't see the wood from the trees right now but if there's somewhere you could take your DC for a few weeks break, you might start to wake your mind up a bit to what you would be going back into if you went back. could you go to your parents for a few weeks so you can get a real perspective on what life would be like without the stress he bring you?

You are being financially abused.

See a solicitor

Take the leap.

You will be ok with money, as PP have said you will be entitled to maintenance and perhaps some other benefits, as well as the child benefit. Also as others have said, every other weekend to yourself to find out there's more to life than domestic slavery and the 9-5.

I've been a single mother for nearly 6 years, my break up was incredibly painful, but I'm happier now than I think I've ever been. I still do everything around the house as well as look after DC and work, as there's nobody else to do it, and that has its own difficulties. But I'm free. And I make the most of my child free time too, which makes the whole thing so much easier.

Good luck, take the leap.

Please find the courage to leave. Try not to look at the big picture. One step at a time.

I think there are lots of women in a similar position. Have you tried just stopping? Get the kids sorted and do little else. Let the chaos build. Or try and go away for a while and stay with a relative.

Yes he tells me he loves me and I’m his precious princess

Jesus I think I was just sick into my mouth...

When you say you're hanging on, I don't understand what it is you think you're hanging on to.... A life of servitude with a bone idle misogynist who financially abuses you and treats you like a skivvy?

How you even have sex with this thing is beyond me, I couldn't think of anything less attractive.

Stop wheedling and dithering, see a solicitor.

OP I've been following this thread but I'm really going to have to stop now. I've gone through the feeling sad for you and sympathy and empathy and all the things but reading your posts I'm now just frustrated.

He financially controls you.
But you say you don't think it's abuse.

There are conditions to your working
But you say you don't think it's abuse.

You had to live off his handouts and pocket money.
But you say you don't think it's abuse.

He is negatively affecting your children and your own daughter hates him which should be the biggest motivator of them all.
But you say you don't think it's abuse.

He lets you do absolutely everything and doesn't care how upset you are.
But you say you don't think it's abuse.

You will be better off financially, emotionally, mentally and in many other ways if you left.

Is any of this sinking in yet?

I suspect OP is in freeze mode.She needs professional help and today.

It's easy to say LTB.
But when you're ground down by abuse - whether physical, mental or financial or are under coercive control it must be bl*ody hard to gather the strength, resources and confidence to leave.
I hope you get the support you need in real life ( not just on Mumsnet ) to help you @ Treasurechestnerd

@LadyEloise

It's easy to say LTB. But when you're ground down by abuse - whether physical, mental or financial or are under coercive control it must be bl*ody hard to gather the strength, resources and confidence to leave. I hope you get the support you need in real life ( not just on Mumsnet ) to help you @ Treasurechestnerd

Exactly, it's a huge upheaval and not an easy step to take.

In this instance I think OP really needs to take the first steps, gather some RL support. There's a new, happier, freer life on the other side.