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Original poster

Am I being unfair - buying a house without DP

358 replies

sunshinesally11 · 14/06/2021 12:37

Currently I live in a tiny house with my 2DC. My DP of 5 years (who has 1 DC) shares a house with his brother (his DC has their own room there).

We can't afford to buy a property together for the size we need as DP says that his DC needs their own bedroom and can't share with my youngest of a similar age. I'm not prepared to go from owning a home to renting.

My parents have offered to purchase me a bigger house than I have now. This would be a 3 bed, so a bedroom each for my DC and one for me. If this bedroom was a 4 bed, my DP would have moved in and contributed towards the household bills. But because this would be a 3 bed, it would mean his DC wouldn't get their own room, and he would refuse to move in on that basis. In fact, he was pretty cross that I'd consider moving to a 3 bed in the first place.

Am I being unreasonable here? I feel in a really awkward position as potentially to live with my DP and his DC have their own room, I would have to turn down the offer of a 3 bed from my parents. But if i do accept the offer then I know my DP would not react well.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

bowtieandheels · 14/06/2021 20:32

Just a suggestion but could you accept your parents offer of a 3 bed then rent it out and use the money to put towards renting a 4 bed place so you can try living together. That way you get the best of both worlds.

saltncheese · 14/06/2021 20:35

@bowtieandheels

Speaks someone who has never been a landlord!

sometimescharlottesometimesnot · 14/06/2021 20:37

@bowtieandheels

more likely the worst of both

FinallyHere · 14/06/2021 20:39

I'm hoping that the people encouraging OP to jump though hoops to set up home with a man who lives at hers practically full time, who makes no that's no contribution to the costs of food, running her home or even any housework have just not ready the thread too carefully.

Now he is cross with her because she is thinking of accepting an offer from her parents to move from a two bedroom to a three bedroom house with her two DC. He is cross because this does not include a room for his DC, who stays some four days a month.

Honestly, who really thinks that he is any kind of prize?

I'm with those sensibly pointing out that the house should be secured for her DC, not for him.

Dozer · 14/06/2021 20:44

Have you and your parents fully investigate the legals/financials? Presumably, for example, your parents would want you to protect the asset/money from any property sale for yourself and the DC in the event that you later decided to live with your boyfriend, but not marry.

Christmasfairy2020 · 14/06/2021 20:49

He is finding an excuse. You don't live together at moment. But your house and he can visit.

TeachesOfPeaches · 14/06/2021 21:07

How does your boyfriend stay every night if you share a bedroom with your child still?

LuvMyBubbles · 14/06/2021 21:22

Excuse if this is wrong but are your parents purposely not making a four bedroom house available because they don't like him? Know what he is like. Are they protecting you?
If so, then take the three bed a d get some space between you and this guy.

Noshowlomo · 14/06/2021 21:24

@LuvMyBubbles I thought the same

LuvMyBubbles · 14/06/2021 21:32

Actually I'm thinking the parents buy the house keep it in there name and you rent from them. I wouldn't trust this won't end badly if you own the home OP.
Sorry if that's harsh.

User57327259 · 14/06/2021 22:13

@LuvMyBubbles

I agree with you that the house should be in the parents' names rather than OP's. The parents are less likely to try to get money out of OP.
This partner is not enhancing your life or your children's lives.
I hope the partner is not sleeping in the same bedroom as your younger child. He wants a separate bedroom for his son but if he is sharing a room with you who shares a room with your son means he thinks it is expecting your child to share with 2 adults one of whom is not a relative and yet he demands his child gets a room of their own which will only used 4 nights in a month. How very entitled

Sakurami · 14/06/2021 22:14

One - if he's staying with you most of the time then he should contribute to the bills and housework. Two- if he can't afford to pay towards a 4th bedroom for his child then he can f*ck right off. Who the hell does he think he is dictating living arrangements when he can't afford to contribute?

Get the house op and if your boyfriend gets annoyed then he knows where to go.

velvetpeach · 14/06/2021 22:19

You're basically paying him to be your boyfriend at this point.

What does he actually add to your and your children's lives?!

wherewildflowersgrow · 14/06/2021 22:28

You don't live with him. Why would you make decisions for your children and future on the basis of what might annoy him or not? In your shoes I would never sacrifice my security in later years by selling my house and renting a 4 bed.

LunaAndHer3Stars · 14/06/2021 22:39

Id accept the 3 bedroom, provided it's free title to you and zero strings attached. I wouldn't want to be living their if it was owned by your parents. Even if they're great people who would never hold it over you the property could need be sold to pay care fees in future. If it's free title in your name absolutely accept it.

If it's a large 3 bedroom there might be another room you could convert into a bedroom. I'd consider that, but only if BF would fairly contribute to non house related costs. You don't want him contributing to mortgage, or council tax/rates, repairs, improvements to house, as that can give him an interest in the house. But he can contribute to gas, electricity, water bills and food.

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 23:07

Ditch the Prick 🌸

7yo7yo · 15/06/2021 00:29

Just out of interest if he’s not paying anything, where’s his money going?
Take the house, thank your parents, tell him what’s happening and let him walk (he won’t) he’s saying this because he doesn’t actually want to move in with you.
He is using you to your kids detriment.
Your thinking of declining the offer of a bigger house from your parents which would benefit your kids because your DP wants to put his kid first. He doesn’t care about you or your kids.

bigbaggyeyes · 15/06/2021 07:42

Yes I'd accept the house, if your dp isn't happy about it then that's his issue, he should be thrilled for you in all honesty. Why is he unhappy about it? His dc can't stay in your current house, so why does it make a difference if you move to a 3 bed that his dc can't stay in? Sounds like he's jealous, when he should be happy for you.

Dracoceratosaurus · 15/06/2021 11:35

This is possibly the most successful cocklodger of all time.
Lives with OP (26 days of 30), but doesn't financially contribute at all. Because he pretends to live with his brother (?)
Sleeps over 4 days per month with his brother, when his child stays with him.
I'm only speculating here, but I can't imagine there is much/any financial recompense to his brother - because he is rarely there.
He's 'living' with OP - but has successfully spun the situation that he 'lives' with his brother.
Works full time, but has no savings.
Has the offer of living with OP in a larger house full time (so another 4 days in 30 - which could very easily include his child).
This only adds 4 adult and 4 child days in a month - but will make it painfully transparent that he pays nothing to anyone.
So he states that his child needs to have a private bedroom full time (to only use 4 days per month), which means that:
OP must refuse the help of their parents to move up the property ladder, which would massively benefit her and her DCs.

So they can rent a 4 bed together - which will be very expensive (for OP - because if he doesn't have any money now..........)
OP is ACTUALLY considering this as an option.

BIWI · 15/06/2021 11:40

@Dracoceratosaurus

This is possibly the most successful cocklodger of all time. Lives with OP (26 days of 30), but doesn't financially contribute at all. Because he pretends to live with his brother (?) Sleeps over 4 days per month with his brother, when his child stays with him. I'm only speculating here, but I can't imagine there is much/any financial recompense to his brother - because he is rarely there. He's 'living' with OP - but has successfully spun the situation that he 'lives' with his brother. Works full time, but has no savings. Has the offer of living with OP in a larger house full time (so another 4 days in 30 - which could very easily include his child). This only adds 4 adult and 4 child days in a month - but will make it painfully transparent that he pays nothing to anyone. So he states that his child needs to have a private bedroom full time (to only use 4 days per month), which means that: OP must refuse the help of their parents to move up the property ladder, which would massively benefit her and her DCs. So they can rent a 4 bed together - which will be very expensive (for OP - because if he doesn't have any money now..........) OP is ACTUALLY considering this as an option.

Great post @Dracoceratosaurus

I hope that @sunshinesally11 has read that.

updownroundandround · 15/06/2021 11:58

@sunshinesally11

I just always thought he didn't contribute because he doesn't actually live with me

But he does live with you !! He's there rent/bill FREE 87% of the month !!

He stays briefly at his brothers house for 4 bloody nights a month !!

He should be paying a share of gas/electric/water/food/council tax/WiFi/Netflix/phone etc etc !!

So he gets you to pay his bills, pay for his food, clean for him, cook for him, wash his laundry etc and he gives you fuck all for it ????

You really need to see the wider perspective on this whole situation before you let him fuck up your future and your DC inheritance too. [

He is only interested in how you can help him.
He couldn't give a shit if your DC are taken care of financially.
He only cares about his comfort/cash/child, not yours.

Please, for your DC's sake, tell him to fucking well move out (he's probably only staying with you so he doesn't have to pay any rent/ bills at his brothers house !!).
Quite honestly, you'll see the 'real' side of him when he has to move out and actually support himself and his son, and what you see then won't be a 'lovely/kind/generous man, I can assure you !

He's a cocklodger on bloody steroids !! Kick him out, and you'll see the real him.

saltncheese · 15/06/2021 13:06

Have you any friends in real life @sunshinesally11 ?

If you do, please please please tell them the full situation and ask their advice.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/06/2021 13:10

Think about you and your DC first, I can assure you that if you ever broke up your partner will not be thinking of you first. It is not for you to worry about his living arrangements especially if you are not married.

Ariela · 15/06/2021 14:16

Could you accept the 3 bed, by finding a 3 bed where a 4th could be added by extension which he could fund for his DC by using his savings

BlueDaises · 15/06/2021 14:34

@Ariela

Could you accept the 3 bed, by finding a 3 bed where a 4th could be added by extension which he could fund for his DC by using his savings

He won't do THIS 🙄🤣

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