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Original poster

Am I being unfair - buying a house without DP

358 replies

sunshinesally11 · 14/06/2021 12:37

Currently I live in a tiny house with my 2DC. My DP of 5 years (who has 1 DC) shares a house with his brother (his DC has their own room there).

We can't afford to buy a property together for the size we need as DP says that his DC needs their own bedroom and can't share with my youngest of a similar age. I'm not prepared to go from owning a home to renting.

My parents have offered to purchase me a bigger house than I have now. This would be a 3 bed, so a bedroom each for my DC and one for me. If this bedroom was a 4 bed, my DP would have moved in and contributed towards the household bills. But because this would be a 3 bed, it would mean his DC wouldn't get their own room, and he would refuse to move in on that basis. In fact, he was pretty cross that I'd consider moving to a 3 bed in the first place.

Am I being unreasonable here? I feel in a really awkward position as potentially to live with my DP and his DC have their own room, I would have to turn down the offer of a 3 bed from my parents. But if i do accept the offer then I know my DP would not react well.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Namechangeforthis2021 · 14/06/2021 17:36

@R0SEMARY

Yes I agree, do what’s right for you and your kids. Because that’s what he’s doing.
Exactly. And for FFS don't marry him -protect your house and assets at ALL costs.
Scrambledcustard · 14/06/2021 17:38

Hi OP I remember your other post. You were advised then not to sell up to rent. Take up the offer from your parents. Thats an investment for your kids down the line.

If you dont class him as living with you and he doesn't contribute do you claim single parent top ups? because if you are you need to get rid of him all together. You should not be in this situation OP and he is taking the piss.

Original poster
sunshinesally11 · 14/06/2021 17:40

Wow I wasn't expecting such a response, thanks to all who have offered advice.

I was asking more if I was being unreasonable to accepting the house from my parents, rather than if I should. I do feel like I'm in a bit of an awkward situation as I suspect me getting the bigger house where there is no option for his DC to have their won't go down well (although I know it's not my responsibility to sort this!). But I do realise that this house would eventually be my DC's inheritance and that's the most important thing. I currently share a room with my youngest DC which can't continue as they are no longer a toddler!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/06/2021 17:40

It's pretty apparent that his DC is his 1st priority. Nothing wrong with that, parents should put their children first. The problem is that he thinks that your children shouldn't be your first priority, that what he wants should be! That's bullshit and a HUGE red flag.

Let your parents buy the 3 bedroom house. That's what's right for your DC as well as better for you.

As far as letting him continue to freeload off you (food, increased heat/air/water) that's your decision. If it's worth it for the pleasure of his company and sex who am I to judge? Well, I mean, I'll judge but I'll keep my mouth (mostly) shut about it. Grin

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 17:43

@sunshinesally11

Wow I wasn't expecting such a response, thanks to all who have offered advice.

I was asking more if I was being unreasonable to accepting the house from my parents, rather than if I should. I do feel like I'm in a bit of an awkward situation as I suspect me getting the bigger house where there is no option for his DC to have their won't go down well (although I know it's not my responsibility to sort this!). But I do realise that this house would eventually be my DC's inheritance and that's the most important thing. I currently share a room with my youngest DC which can't continue as they are no longer a toddler!

Take the house lady 🌸

Enjoy your home and I would seriously reconsider your allowing this guy carte blanche free of charge in your home. 🌷

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/06/2021 17:46

That's great you're taking the house - thank god! And what a generous gift from your parents bless them.

I do think you need to seriously reevaluate this relationship though.

He spends more than 85% of the month in your home.

He contributes 0% financially and 0% housework wise.

Have a think about whether that means he respects you or not.

He spends all but four days each month in your home and doesn't contribute! I cannot fathom the attraction to this man.

Can you not see how selfish his behaviour is?

Boonlark · 14/06/2021 17:49

I'd be rethinking the whole relationship...

  • He says he's saving but doesn't seem to have saved much, despite you forking out for his food etc most of the time. Yellow flag.
  • He is already living with you. And not contributing. Big red flag.
  • He is putting his needs first, and worse, you're worried about his reaction when you do a very sensible thing...because it doesn't meet his needs. It looks to me like he's trained you to put his needs first. Big red flag.
  • He can only afford to live with his brother, but expects you all to live in a 4 bed rented. So he's expecting you to pay the lion's share of the rent. Big red flag.

I wonder if what he wants is for you to make your dc share, and his dc gets a room to themself? Or (more likely) he sees you as a cash cow who'll pay most of the rent from the money from selling your current house.

I'd ditch him, but I'm not you. Buying a three bed and not moving in together seems like the best option for you. If he's angry, then he's showing you how entitled he is, and how he views your needs as less important than his.

TedImgoingmad · 14/06/2021 17:51

It's pretty apparent that his DC is his 1st priority. Nothing wrong with that, parents should put their children first. The problem is that he thinks that your children shouldn't be your first priority, that what he wants should be! That's bullshit and a HUGE red flag.

Absolutely this! No decent man would expect you and your children to give up the security of your own property for the massive uncertainties of private renting. And for what? So that his infrequently visiting child can have a room to themselves, and so that he can basically live off you paying rent that he couldn't hope to pay on his own. I bet you will be supplying all the security deposits and doing all the housework and cooking too, while he plays lord of the fucking manor (because even if you are paying for the bulk of costs on the house, if he is a joint tenant, then he gets all the legal rights without the responsibilities, and you will not be able to get rid just because you are the rent payer). And the fact that he thinks your children should be rendered insecure to make his own circumstances more secure and comfortable makes me question how he will treat them, especially whether he will treat them fairly and equally when his own child is around. I don't think I could have romantic feelings for such a loser/cocklodger.

cordelia16 · 14/06/2021 17:53

@Boonlark

I'd be rethinking the whole relationship...
  • He says he's saving but doesn't seem to have saved much, despite you forking out for his food etc most of the time. Yellow flag.
  • He is already living with you. And not contributing. Big red flag.
  • He is putting his needs first, and worse, you're worried about his reaction when you do a very sensible thing...because it doesn't meet his needs. It looks to me like he's trained you to put his needs first. Big red flag.
  • He can only afford to live with his brother, but expects you all to live in a 4 bed rented. So he's expecting you to pay the lion's share of the rent. Big red flag.

I wonder if what he wants is for you to make your dc share, and his dc gets a room to themself? Or (more likely) he sees you as a cash cow who'll pay most of the rent from the money from selling your current house.

I'd ditch him, but I'm not you. Buying a three bed and not moving in together seems like the best option for you. If he's angry, then he's showing you how entitled he is, and how he views your needs as less important than his.

agree 100%
TedImgoingmad · 14/06/2021 17:53

Forgot to say. Buy the 3 bed for you and your children, and ditch this sorry loser.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 14/06/2021 17:53

Please tell him his free ride is over.. You are in a great position to start off with new ground rules for your new home. Though Iove the advice given about moving and not giving him your new address!! After all your bills will be more having a bigger home without funding a free loader..

saltncheese · 14/06/2021 18:01

@frazzledasarock

Around where I am an extra bedroom whacks on over £100k I'd far rather have a smaller/no mortgage than extra debt.
He's a spoilt brat.

He can't provide himself with a house/flat for himself and child - so he wants your parents to?

I'm sorry - the fact he would even suggest you and your DC go without to suit him is a huge red flag to me and his attitude smacks of financial abusive control.

Please listen to the voices of reason here. Have you told your friends/family about the ultimatum he's given you? What do
They say?

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 18:06

His entire attitude is appalling.

IronTeeth · 14/06/2021 18:07

Its not your job to provide for his dc, when you are already paying for him!

Scbchl · 14/06/2021 18:09

Id happily end the relationship in that situation to be honest. Better living standards and stability for my children would be my priority over his wants and if he can't accept that and is cross when he won't make compromises then he could piss off.

BluebellsGreenbells · 14/06/2021 18:10

How much is he costing you already? Food, drink, bills, wear and tear, etc

Are our in any benefits you could lose with him living there?

That money could be spent on your children and their future.

He has a nice life with no commitment to you a house or any of the children.

Stop being a mug.

slashlover · 14/06/2021 18:12

@sunshinesally11

Wow I wasn't expecting such a response, thanks to all who have offered advice.

I was asking more if I was being unreasonable to accepting the house from my parents, rather than if I should. I do feel like I'm in a bit of an awkward situation as I suspect me getting the bigger house where there is no option for his DC to have their won't go down well (although I know it's not my responsibility to sort this!). But I do realise that this house would eventually be my DC's inheritance and that's the most important thing. I currently share a room with my youngest DC which can't continue as they are no longer a toddler!

Does he share the room with you and your youngest DC?

He's saying he would rather you have to share with your DC full time than his DC has to share a room for four days of the month.

Bellringer · 14/06/2021 18:19

If he paid his share you would already have more cash. Your parents are generous. Nobody would stay in my house regularly without chipping in. Dump him and spend the money on you and your kids

MondayYogurt · 14/06/2021 18:20

What sort of other things do you do that don't "go down well"?

flowery · 14/06/2021 18:22

If you prioritising your DC’s security and future wouldn’t “go down well” that’s a good clue he is not a good partner for you. Why would you want to have a partner who doesn’t think you should put your kids first?

Crankley · 14/06/2021 18:26

I hope the sex is mind blowing because you are paying big time for it.

He stays at your house except for four days a month.

He contributes absolutely nothing financially towards your bills or food.

He does nothing in the house in the way of housework or DIY.

He has no money so no chance of you buying a four bed together.

He insists on his child having own their bedroom when they stay four times a month.

He is the epitome of a cocklodger.

Prioritise yourself and your children. Accept your parent's offer of a three bed house and if he doesn't like it I would be inclined to tell him to fuck off.

ShowMeTheSugar · 14/06/2021 18:27

I came on to say pretty much the same as Boonlark

Some huge red flags there. He would prefer you to give up your financial security to bend to his/his DC preference? And wants to rent when it seems he can't afford his current situation, in a smaller household and where you appear to subsidise him.

What happens if/when your parenting styles don't mix? What does he think happens to the money from the house sale if you sold up to rent?

Castlepeak · 14/06/2021 18:27

You can’t afford to live together. You shouldn’t be constraining your housing choices while that remains true.

I agree with him that his daughter needs her own space and shouldn’t be sharing with a child where she lacks a sibling relationship. His reaction to your move is ridiculous.

GrandmasCat · 14/06/2021 18:31

Get the 3 bedroom with an option to extend/convert the attic once your partner sells his half of the property he shares with his brother.

He has no right to dictate what you do about your housing when he is not contributing to it.

Was he saving for a deposit before the offer of your parents came through? Then he shouldn’t even have an opinion about it.

Redwinestillfine · 14/06/2021 18:36

Definitely take your parents up on the offer. You don't owe him anything. You're not married, and he doesn't even live with you. Do this now. If, on the future he wants to get married and buy a house with you, then that's always an option but it sounds like that's quite a way off so you take care of yourself and your kids.