Am I being unfair - buying a house without DP

[sunshinesally11]

Currently I live in a tiny house with my 2DC. My DP of 5 years (who has 1 DC) shares a house with his brother (his DC has their own room there).

We can't afford to buy a property together for the size we need as DP says that his DC needs their own bedroom and can't share with my youngest of a similar age. I'm not prepared to go from owning a home to renting.

My parents have offered to purchase me a bigger house than I have now. This would be a 3 bed, so a bedroom each for my DC and one for me. If this bedroom was a 4 bed, my DP would have moved in and contributed towards the household bills. But because this would be a 3 bed, it would mean his DC wouldn't get their own room, and he would refuse to move in on that basis. In fact, he was pretty cross that I'd consider moving to a 3 bed in the first place.

Am I being unreasonable here? I feel in a really awkward position as potentially to live with my DP and his DC have their own room, I would have to turn down the offer of a 3 bed from my parents. But if i do accept the offer then I know my DP would not react well.

Does anyone have any advice?

What exactly do you get from this relationship?
He doesn't contribute towards: Food, Utilities etc, but you think he will if you get a 4 bedroom house together!!!!!
He's not willing to compromise on the bedroom situation so is in a mood that you are thinking of moving into a 3 bedroom house.
Has this guy got any redeeming features?????
By you paying for everything when he is at yours you are enabling him to be a selfish, inconsiderate, freeloading prick.
People only treat you one way, the way you allow them.

If he can't bring anything to the table, don't feed him and don't let him share your bed - I personally would call it a day as he is taking the piss tbh.

You haven't answered the question about why you are with him?

He sounds an utter cock lodger, not contributing towards expenses whilst staying at your house nearly every night and not helping with chores etc? Why do you accept this?

And then he has the cheek to expect your parents to subsidise his lifestyle?

Where is your self respect? I would be appalled if I was contributing towards a larger house for my adult child and grandchildren and some cocklodger assumed he could move in as well. I hope your DPs have got the legal side covered. This has disaster written all over it.

Unbelievable. He lets you feed him 26 days of every month without contributing. He pays nothing towards any of your costs, despite living with you for the vast majority of the time. And he's going to kick off because you accept a 3 bedroomed home rather than pay (or have your parents pay) a vast amount more so that his son gets his own room for four whole days a month.

I honestly don't understand why you're with such an astonishingly selfish and tight man who thinks you owe him a four-bedroomed home, despite contributing nothing for years.

I'm genuinely interested OP, what makes him worth being with?

Live in a tiny house, DP doesn’t move in

Live in a slightly more comfy house - DP doesn’t move in. whats the difference to the DP? Nothing except you have more space

Does he pay for the food he eats or do you provide him with a free dinner every night? Do you wash his clothes and clean the bathroom that he uses? Does he even wash up?

It’s your prerogative to move into a larger house with your children. Your priority is your family’s security, and you would loose that if you moved into rented accommodation.

If your DP has aspirations to live in a 4 bedroom house , then he needs to position himself to do so, instead of expecting you to subsidise his living expenses and rent with him.

He doesn’t even contribute financially to your household currently! He certainly has no right to have a say in what property you own.

If anything, I would ensure that he paid for his own share of the food bill moving forward.

Yanbu and please have a read through all of the responses on here - he isn't looking for a blended family where all children are treated equally

Can’t you accept the offer from your parents, rent out that property and together rent a 4 bed?

@BirthdayCakeBelly

Accept your parents offer without hesitation. Ensure everything is in your name only.

This 100%. Please!

Mummy, why?

In answer to your question "am I being unfair", no, you are being a doormat. He is a boyfriend who is freeloading/cocklodging most nights at your place without paying his way. You're not married (and you'd stand to lose out a lot if you did so wouldn't recommend it) so you owe him nothing. Your decision over where you and your DC live is nothing to do with him. He won't like it as he'll probably see it as losing control of his meal ticket but frankly can kick up a fuss if he wants - it should not affect what you do. I would have already accepted and as another posted has already said, 100% in your name. If he wants to stay over/practically live with you, he needs to contribute for food/bills and housework! Please don't rent with him.

@AcrossthePond55

It's pretty apparent that his DC is his 1st priority. Nothing wrong with that, parents should put their children first. The problem is that he thinks that your children shouldn't be your first priority, that what he wants should be! That's bullshit and a HUGE red flag.

Let your parents buy the 3 bedroom house. That's what's right for your DC as well as better for you.

As far as letting him continue to freeload off you (food, increased heat/air/water) that's your decision. If it's worth it for the pleasure of his company and sex who am I to judge? Well, I mean, I'll judge but I'll keep my mouth (mostly) shut about it.

I think it's more HE is his first priority. And HE wants to be gifted a four bedroomed house, hence why he's turning his nose up at the chance to live in a three bedroom.

Kick him into touch, OP, and enjoy the security and safety your parents are offering you and your children.

@MummyMcMumington

Can’t you accept the offer from your parents, rent out that property and together rent a 4 bed?

why should OP FUND her partners lifestyle to the detriment of her own and her childrens. 🤔

I think it's more HE is his first priority. And HE wants to be gifted a four bedroomed house, hence why he's turning his nose up at the chance to live in a three bedroom.

Kick him into touch, OP, and enjoy the security and safety your parents are offering you and your children.

100% this 🌸

@theemmadilemma

Hes just a massive cocklodger isn't he?

This. Unless you are fabulously wealthy, he is amazing in bed and he is your toy, what in the name of fuck are you thinking of, letting him take you for a ride like this?? It's crazy!

@MummyMcMumington

Can’t you accept the offer from your parents, rent out that property and together rent a 4 bed?

Aye and then OP can lie down in front of the door of the rental and be a complete doormat for this guy.

OP accept your parents kind offer and cool off with this guy, start spending evenings at his place that he's renting and see how invested he is in this relationship when he is cooking, cleaning and hosting you when you're not paying up.

Agree with the PPs who said ditch him.

Even if you don’t, NEVER marry him: But I do realise that this house would eventually be my DC's inheritance and that's the most important thing. (DC’s inheritance could quickly become cocklodger’s inheritance).

I can’t believe the whole issue is due to 4 nights per month, just ridiculous!! I don’t like the sound of this man.

Do yourself and your kids a favour and get rid of this useless no-hoper.

Wow how entitled is he?! You say that an extra bedroom would be 100k more. That's an expensive room to go empty 26 days a month

Can’t you accept the offer from your parents, rent out that property and together rent a 4 bed?
Why should any woman have to prop up a cocklodger who doesn't lift a finger around the home and already doesn't pay his way at the house he lives at most of the month?

He needs kicking to one side because he's looking for a meal ticket.

Good god the replies on here suggesting op rent out her owned property and move into rented in order to suit partners want of a bigger house when he makes zero contribution as is

It's complete madness

Take the house from your parents.

Don't even think about trying to get a mortgage with this man. Keep your finances separate.

No reason for him to complain, he can't afford to house his child, neither can you. You can afford to house your own DC with your parents' help. Do that, and carry on as you are now with him (if you don't want to end if because he's a freeloader, which I would, if I were you).

There is nothing unreasonable about accepting an offer made in good faith by your parents to provide more space for you and DC.
As other posters have said, though, be really, really clear about the legal position going forward, if you continue with this man, to make sure that your house is protected as yours only, and your DC’s inheritance. I would be really concerned that somehow he will end up entitled to some of its value by hook or by crook.