Completely bewildered by partners odd behaviour

[Mischiefofmice]

My partner lives with me and is normally very loving and kind and we get on really well. However every so often he acts in the most startling way. Take this evening, we are going on a trip in just over 2 months and they need proof of our vaccinations so I downloaded the NHS app earlier and suggested I do his tonight on his phone ( he gets impatient at IT and I can usually muddle my way thro it).
Job done and I asked him to check to see if it had been approved and simply said we can’t get on the trip without it. Which is true. I said it as it’s a matter of fact , I’m not stressed or worried in any way, but seeing as I’m doing all the organising I just wanted to tick it off the list ( there’s quite a lot of admin involved and 2 months will come round quick and I need to be organised with it) . It was just a completely normal conversation that would have been impossible to take umbrage at.
Except he did, went wild, shouting and ranting at me that I’m over the top and worrying and treating him like a child. Eh! The more calmly I explained I wasn’t worried the tried to defend myself the nastier he got. This happens every few months. It’s SO over the top, I wish it was recorded so I could play it back to him. It’s goes from nothing to 100% nasty in seconds and I’m left baffled.
He projects onto me and tells me that it’s my fault, I cause it, I’m mad, todaywhen I tried to reason and calm him I got told to shut my fucking mouth. He threw his specs across the floor and stormed off in his car.
Meanwhile I’m left dazed thinking what the hell happened then.
5 minutes later he’s back as if nothings happened but I’m not aloud to speak . I tried to calmly say I didn’t think being told to shut my fucking mouth was respectable or nice. His response was he wasn’t listening and every time I tried to say anything he just talked over me and put his fingers in his ears. Every time.
If it wasn’t so nasty his behaviour would be comical. Tomorrow he will be back to normal and I’ll just be expected to be my normal self but every time he does it , it makes me love and trust him less. It’s just so extreme.

2 choices. Go on the trip alone.
Or send him one way..
Either way do not accept this to be your life.
I would /could expect my 6yo to put his fingers in his ears but not my dh...

This would be a deal breaker for me. He doesn’t get to make the rules, he doesn’t get to decide whether or not he is willing to talk about 1, the trigger for his behaviour 2, his reaction and the reason for it, and 3, the way he treats you.

How is he when you have proper arguments? DP and I rarely argue, because we communicate well. If we didn’t then I wouldn’t stay.

Does he take drugs?

Telling me to shut my fucking mouth and sticking his fingers in his ears would be a dealbreaker for me.

I don’t know if I would wait until tomorrow to throw him out or wait for the next blow up and lock him out when he storms off, but that would be the only question for me.

Whose house is it? Can you tell him to take his arse out of your house

It all boils down to your last sentence.

He needs to know that this behaviour actually impacts on your regard for him.
He needs to know that you won't live with a man who behaves like this. Because it's really unacceptable.

Why on Earth are you considering what will happen with him tomorrow after that?!

Deal breaker. Your relationship is abusive. That’s not normal behaviour OP.

Try to film it next time and then show him when he's gone back to normal. Ask if he'd be happy for you to show anyone else to see if their opinion of who's 'to blame' matches his.

Oh wow, that is a deal breaker for me - how childish - no wonder your love and trust for him is affected by that behaviour!

I would tell him straight how it affects you, and if he doesn’t listen, I’d be sending him on the trip one way. You don’t need a lifetime of that

Hes rude and disrepects you. Does he ever apologise for his outbursts? Why are your standards so low that you tolerate this behaviour?

What the fuck?

Do not stay in a relationship with this fucking idiot. How much disrespect are you willing to out up with? You know it's not normal

Do you find yourself walking on egg shells? Wondering when he's next gonna flip? That's no fun at all.

So completely unacceptable. Does he talk to his boss like that? His mum? His mates?

Why are you putting up with this disgusting behaviour? It’s out and out abuse. It’s not at all funny.

Does he have problems with being impulsive in other areas of life?

This level of temper and lack of control would worry me around children or animals.

Urgh cant stand abusive men like this. You deserve better OP. Any woman does. Hes unhinged.

This is aggressive and abusive. If he is like this over something so insignificant, what's he going to be like when shit and difficult things inevitably happen in your lives. Also it's not just a short temper, or a mistake is it? If it was he would be sorry and ashamed, and take some steps to change. As it stands, he shits all over you, then gaslights you when you attempt to sort out your relationship issues

What? Why are you putting up with this? Do you have kids together?

That would be a no from me. Awful behaviour and to know it will come around again every couple of months. Nope.

Ditch him. This will only get worse.

Gosh - that is like a toddler.

Deal breaker.
Get rid.

Do you think he might have not got his vaccination? (Are we talking about the COVID vaccine here?). Perhaps he didn't want to have it and now he's about to get found out he's engineered a deliberate argument and stormed off.

But whatever the reason, do not let anyone speak to you. Get rid of him. He will only get worse. The outbursts will become more frequent and more aggressive.

What ARE you doing woman? Come on! You need to finish your relationship with him and he needs to move out. Have someone else with you as you do it.

To stay with this man is to accept this is how your life will be going forward - is it what you'd want for your daughter? Best friend? Mum? And if not, why not?

Omg, my ex used to do exactly as you describe and reading your post has made me shudder to my core.. i know exactly how it makes you feel..
I'm sorry, he's not interested in how it makes you feel, and i bet he only acts like this when no-one else is around.. its abusive behaviour pure and simple.
Each time his 'red mist' surfaces you will emotionally step away a little further in order to protect yourself, until your relationship is based on nothing.. no trust, no real emotional intimacy, no respect. Please do not waste your time, trust me and i'm so sorry, it wont get better.

Thank you for your comments. I do feel it’s some some sort of control and it’s getting worse. He was fine the first year and then flipped one night. I was so shocked and he said really hurtful things that aren’t true. But once said you can’t unhear them can you!
Since then the bursts have got closer together and each time he gets meaner.
Things are fine as long I’m a ‘good girl’ . My wants and needs don’t really ever get addressed because any issues become about him and he hijacks the conversation with his temper and I end up tiptoeing around to make things better. He tells me he loves me everyday , buys me flowers on a regular basis but that’s not love is it. Love is action and his actions tell me he has no respect for me. And no he wouldn’t talk to his work mates , friends or family like that, they would be so shocked as he comes across as such a ‘nice guy’. He does drink a lot of wine , but there’s no excuse for his verbal behaviour.