Completely bewildered by partners odd behaviour

[Mischiefofmice]

My partner lives with me and is normally very loving and kind and we get on really well. However every so often he acts in the most startling way. Take this evening, we are going on a trip in just over 2 months and they need proof of our vaccinations so I downloaded the NHS app earlier and suggested I do his tonight on his phone ( he gets impatient at IT and I can usually muddle my way thro it).
Job done and I asked him to check to see if it had been approved and simply said we can’t get on the trip without it. Which is true. I said it as it’s a matter of fact , I’m not stressed or worried in any way, but seeing as I’m doing all the organising I just wanted to tick it off the list ( there’s quite a lot of admin involved and 2 months will come round quick and I need to be organised with it) . It was just a completely normal conversation that would have been impossible to take umbrage at.
Except he did, went wild, shouting and ranting at me that I’m over the top and worrying and treating him like a child. Eh! The more calmly I explained I wasn’t worried the tried to defend myself the nastier he got. This happens every few months. It’s SO over the top, I wish it was recorded so I could play it back to him. It’s goes from nothing to 100% nasty in seconds and I’m left baffled.
He projects onto me and tells me that it’s my fault, I cause it, I’m mad, todaywhen I tried to reason and calm him I got told to shut my fucking mouth. He threw his specs across the floor and stormed off in his car.
Meanwhile I’m left dazed thinking what the hell happened then.
5 minutes later he’s back as if nothings happened but I’m not aloud to speak . I tried to calmly say I didn’t think being told to shut my fucking mouth was respectable or nice. His response was he wasn’t listening and every time I tried to say anything he just talked over me and put his fingers in his ears. Every time.
If it wasn’t so nasty his behaviour would be comical. Tomorrow he will be back to normal and I’ll just be expected to be my normal self but every time he does it , it makes me love and trust him less. It’s just so extreme.

I have a family member like this but wouldn’t stand for it with a partner. It’s amazing the littlest things can send them off and you were just being reasonable.

Hes a total freak

@Jellykat … that’s it exactly!

Look st definitions and examples of emotional abuse eg on the Women’s alAid website OP. It’s typical.

@Mischiefofmice

Thank you for your comments. I do feel it’s some some sort of control and it’s getting worse. He was fine the first year and then flipped one night. I was so shocked and he said really hurtful things that aren’t true. But once said you can’t unhear them can you! Since then the bursts have got closer together and each time he gets meaner. Things are fine as long I’m a ‘good girl’ . My wants and needs don’t really ever get addressed because any issues become about him and he hijacks the conversation with his temper and I end up tiptoeing around to make things better. He tells me he loves me everyday , buys me flowers on a regular basis but that’s not love is it. Love is action and his actions tell me he has no respect for me. And no he wouldn’t talk to his work mates , friends or family like that, they would be so shocked as he comes across as such a ‘nice guy’. He does drink a lot of wine , but there’s no excuse for his verbal behaviour.

He sounds more awful the more you say about him.

Interesting that you felt his drinking wine was worth mentioning as well. Is he an alcoholic as well as an abuser?

Yes but OP, what are you going to do? We all see, as do you that this is totally unacceptable but you have in effect been accepting it for ages. You need to leave. Nothing else will work. Everyone with experience will tell you the same. Please do it.

Sounds like a downward spiral OP. Time to move on from him. If your friend told you she was being treated like this, what advice would you give her?

Why are you with him? Is there something that that redeems this relationship ? If not you know what you need to do

Things are fine as long as you are a “good girl”

Nothing about that is fine
You ought to end this now he sounds mean and in the verge of being more than that

@pog100… I know, it makes me so sad cos when he’s lovely he’s so lovely but I just can’t live my life waiting for the next time for him to flip. It’s so easy to forgive after a few days when he gets back to being normal but then I just feel even worse the next time he’s vicious with his temper. It’s over such trivial things that no one else would bat an eyelid over, just normal conversation but it’s like he chooses to turn something mundane said into a tantrum of epic proportions.
If I asked him to leave he would take it very badly and I would be the bad guy to family and friends because they don’t see what I experience. We have 4 big holidays booked ( Covid allowing) it’s all such a mess and so sad as we could have a great life together . It’s like he just doesn’t have any insight into his behaviour. Absolutely none. It’s him against me and the whole world. It’s just exhausting .

Please read Lundy Bancrofts 'Why does he do that?', you need to learn how common his behaviour is, find strength, and draw a line for your own mental (and id say physical) health.
Its so easy to stay in the relationship like a rabbit stuck in headlights, but reading and learning about abusive behaviour, gives you the strength and courage to get to a point of saying 'enough now' and walk away.
The odd bunch of flowers and 'i love you's' will not give you the time back.. and i speak as someone who spent 12 years learning that lesson.

Do you have any children that are witnessing his behaviour? It wouldn't be good for them to be seeing mum being treated this way.

He’s training you.

You’re the pup that’s waiting to be kicked. You’re a lot more clear headed about it than I was, so well done!

Can you cancel the hols to buy yourself time?

Leave him.

No. Just no. Outbursts are one thing (and not ok by any means but still sometimes happen). We all get frustrated at times, and can take it out on the people closest to us. As nasty as it is (and I would not be accepting it, have walked out on this kind of behaviour before), the more concerning thing is his response. Because what he is telling you is he takes no responsibility for his behaviour, and has no respect for you or your feelings. And talking over you is really hostile and aggressive. And the fingers in the ear thing? So childish and ridiculous. I would be giving him an ultimatum and explaining that this is causing you to doubt you want to be in this relationship. Then he can either make some changes, or carry on being an arse. By the way, every time it happens, it will chip away at your soul. It is really hard to feel good about yourself when you are being treated like this.

PS. It is not odd behaviour, its actually quite common. He just finds it easier and acceptable to dump his negative feelings on you. Rather than dealing them himself like grown ups do.

Is this the life you want? If not, change it. Don’t wait for him to change.

Why would you even want to go away with this person? Life is so short. Don't spend yours like this. He's so abusive and is conditioning you to accept it. Don't.

OP can i just add before i retire for the evening, that you WILLl be the bad guy, he will NOT accept any responsibility if you call it a day.. but again, that is inevitable, they all do it, and what you must believe is that those who don't question his explanation based on their knowledge of who you are as a person, are really really not worth your energy.
It wont be a nice feeling, but again its something we've all witnessed so you wont be alone, and we're all here for support.

These replies have been shocking to me, OP, my DP is very similar. Nice and normal most of the time, sometimes utterly loses it banging doors and screaming, swearing at me, calling me names. Doesn't care if our little son can hear, then if I try to talk he just repeats "Go away, leave me alone" as soon as I try to say anything. Then the day after acts like it was nothing. He will apologise if I ask him to, but reiterate that it was my fault.

Same in that the issue is trivial. The latest example is that I cooked the wrong potatoes. He has specifically asked for one type, and I accidentally put in a different type.

I have no advice to give I'm afraid other than to say it only started after I'd have children, and if I didn't have them and we'd not been together long, I think I'd probably walk away the second time it happened. It's hard to say though, since before all of this I wouldn't ever have pictured myself as the type of person who gets screamed at by a partner.

It’s sad that you think your family and friends would take his word over yours. I’d be tempted to record him next time he kicks off as proof, but in reality that would be potentially quite dangerous.

@Hen2018

Leave him.

This

Don't try and figure it out. It's not fixable. Go. Be free. Enjoy your life!

This is classic abusive behaviour and it will only get worse.

I tried to calmly say I didn’t think being told to shut my fucking mouth was respectable or nice.

You need to tell him if he ever speaks to you like that ever again the relationship is over. Then if he speaks to you like that again, end it. Seriously this is not ok.

All abusers are lovely... at least some of the time. If they weren't, they'd have no one to abuse, right? No one would go for a 2nd date, move in, marry, get pregnant. It's the nice/nasty cycle and it's entirely deliberate.

This gets worse until there is only nasty - the point at which many women no longer have the mental energy to leave and all there is left is constant abuse.

Don't be another such women. Leave whilst you still can.