Completely bewildered by partners odd behaviour

[Mischiefofmice]

My partner lives with me and is normally very loving and kind and we get on really well. However every so often he acts in the most startling way. Take this evening, we are going on a trip in just over 2 months and they need proof of our vaccinations so I downloaded the NHS app earlier and suggested I do his tonight on his phone ( he gets impatient at IT and I can usually muddle my way thro it).
Job done and I asked him to check to see if it had been approved and simply said we can’t get on the trip without it. Which is true. I said it as it’s a matter of fact , I’m not stressed or worried in any way, but seeing as I’m doing all the organising I just wanted to tick it off the list ( there’s quite a lot of admin involved and 2 months will come round quick and I need to be organised with it) . It was just a completely normal conversation that would have been impossible to take umbrage at.
Except he did, went wild, shouting and ranting at me that I’m over the top and worrying and treating him like a child. Eh! The more calmly I explained I wasn’t worried the tried to defend myself the nastier he got. This happens every few months. It’s SO over the top, I wish it was recorded so I could play it back to him. It’s goes from nothing to 100% nasty in seconds and I’m left baffled.
He projects onto me and tells me that it’s my fault, I cause it, I’m mad, todaywhen I tried to reason and calm him I got told to shut my fucking mouth. He threw his specs across the floor and stormed off in his car.
Meanwhile I’m left dazed thinking what the hell happened then.
5 minutes later he’s back as if nothings happened but I’m not aloud to speak . I tried to calmly say I didn’t think being told to shut my fucking mouth was respectable or nice. His response was he wasn’t listening and every time I tried to say anything he just talked over me and put his fingers in his ears. Every time.
If it wasn’t so nasty his behaviour would be comical. Tomorrow he will be back to normal and I’ll just be expected to be my normal self but every time he does it , it makes me love and trust him less. It’s just so extreme.

I reckon he's lying about something - either the vaccination or there was something on his phone he didn't want you to see. But it's irrelevant really as he is also a narcissistic scumbag and treats you like dirt. He sounds like a four year old.

Just an update, it hasn’t got any better. I have now got a donestic violence protection notice in place , it had been horrific.
He maintains he is the victim and I am unstable, his family who are all nice people want nothing to do with me.
It scares me how he has absolutely no remorse or guilt . As far as he is concerned it is over, none of it ever happened, he is ‘the same decent, popular, nice man ‘ he’s always been’ and it appears he is right.
I regret calling the police after the last attack, I had no physical injuries to show, it won’t go anywhere, he will come out better, with the support of his large family whilst I have no one close by. I am ashamed to tell my family, as although they love me they loved him too as he is ‘so nice’.
I feel very isolated and helpless. I should have taken the attack and carried on as before. I miss him to, how pathetic is that.

Just run. Get out and far away from him and his family. Be thankful you are not married and don't have children. Extricate yourself swiftly from any and all financial ties. If you have any joint accounts or obligations sort those out asap. This sort of man is likely to empty joint accounts.

Tell your family. You may be surprised by their reaction. Sometimes families and friends notice odd things in your relationship, but they don’t say anything because you seem happy. Do tell them. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Tell your family the truth. They've probably clocked him.

Most abusers seem lovely to other people, don't worry about his family as you don't want anything to do with any of them trust me, get far away from the lot of them and tell your family everything

Have one of you moved out Mischief?

It doesn't matter what other people think. Of course his family will take his side, but YOU know the truth and really, that is all that matters.

You do need to let those people in your team know what is happening though, even if it's just for support purposes.

The post up thread with the covert narc links is a good post. I too have been in a relationship not too dissimilar. Whose idea was booking the holiday? In my case it was my exp and it was quite ott. Every time there was an issue and he could see I was wavering in the relationship, he would hang the holiday over my head. Do I know how much he paid, (because he absolutely refused to allow me to contribute). Do I know how much effort he's put in to it etc etc. In the end I walked away before going on the extravagant holiday. His reply to me was that he was still going but would be inviting someone else. So this was my last chance to change my mind. If it wasn't the holiday, next time it would have been something else. Oh there were silly other things. He said he would buy me a jo Malone diffuzer. But because we had had words a few days prior about something ridiculous, I didn't deserve the diffuzer. I bought it myself anyway, which resulted in the silent treatment from him when he found out.

Things are always tough at the point of realization of abuse. But you can walk free from this with your head held high. Fuck everyone else. They don't know him as you do. And why do this to yourself when you know deep down this is how it will be for always. And it will get worse.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. But how brave you are to make a stand and put a stop to this.

I know if must be hard to see him coming out with a big group of people who support him BUT you have come out alive, you have come out stronger, and you're free now. Free to build a new life without him. Much more important than persuading a few people that you're right and he's wrong.

I'm in awe of your strength. Things will be better for you from here and one day you'll look back on this with pride.

Sorry, OP, I’m not sure if your update means you have left him?

It doesn’t matter what his family think. One day, when he keeps doing this to other partners, they will notice the pattern and realise what he is.

You should tell your family. I know how hard it is to admit something difficult to family but if they are good people they will believe you and support you.

@nutellamagnet

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. But how brave you are to make a stand and put a stop to this.

I know if must be hard to see him coming out with a big group of people who support him BUT you have come out alive, you have come out stronger, and you're free now. Free to build a new life without him. Much more important than persuading a few people that you're right and he's wrong.

I'm in awe of your strength. Things will be better for you from here and one day you'll look back on this with pride.

I wish we had a like button

@Mischiefofmice

Just an update, it hasn’t got any better. I have now got a donestic violence protection notice in place , it had been horrific. He maintains he is the victim and I am unstable, his family who are all nice people want nothing to do with me. It scares me how he has absolutely no remorse or guilt . As far as he is concerned it is over, none of it ever happened, he is ‘the same decent, popular, nice man ‘ he’s always been’ and it appears he is right. I regret calling the police after the last attack, I had no physical injuries to show, it won’t go anywhere, he will come out better, with the support of his large family whilst I have no one close by. I am ashamed to tell my family, as although they love me they loved him too as he is ‘so nice’. I feel very isolated and helpless. I should have taken the attack and carried on as before. I miss him to, how pathetic is that.

This is one of the situations where it helps to know that 'All the love you ever need is inside you'. You might be isolated but you don't have to feel helpless. You've done so much to save yourself.

You were right to call the police, and to get the domestic violence protection notice. Of course you miss him, you made your life with him, but that feeling will pass.

His opinion of you is irrelevant, what he tells other people is irrelevant, too. You know who he is and how he behaves. You know how brave and sensible you have been and that you are going forward into happiness, leaving your abuser behind.

Well done. Hold fast. You're doing great.

I’m so happy to read your update because I know in time you will have a much happier life, but I can feel your sadness and I’m sorry for that .

It’s ok to miss him, to grieve for the man you thought he was and the potential you saw but it’s important to know that you can’t go back and to see him for the man he is.

This will take time, you need to heal and it won’t be easy but it would have been far harder to stay. You deserve more, you deserve to feel safe in your relationship.

Speak to people in real life, use us as support. I am going through very similar right now, but we will get through one day at a time x

Hello OP, if you are still reading, I just wanted to comment on one thing: the four holidays booked for the future that make it hard to leave.

Men like this (though they can actively destroy plans in the moment, like you witnessed, with him refusing to help prepare for the trip calmly) love cementing future plans. Booking things in, especially things that involve money, is a safety catch against you leaving on the spot. That is why they usually favour commitment, even though they are so bad at making it work.

Do not look at the holidays as a reason to stay, as beyond them will be the next set of arrangements. You know that bit in the romcom 'I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him'? That is what they can't do. Instead he is a matrix of expensive bookings, positioned around a woman, guilt tripping her into staying. Sadly I know from personal experience.

Oh sorry OP, I just saw your update - hope you're ok. Hang in there.

Thinking of you op.
Even though it sounds like you're at the bottom now it will get better, you don't need him or his family. You are enough and you will be happy again - well away from all this

Don't. Let. Him. Break. You.

Dearest OP, you will take ages to get over this, the feelings, what did you do wrong, everyone loves him, what's wrong with me?
The answer is nothing is wrong with you and the hail fellow well met routine your ex is displaying to all and sundry is part of the masking. In reality, he probably despised the lot of them and adulation means a lot to a narc. Feeling isolated is normal. It's you who have now got the opportunity to go forward and into a happy life. No eggshells, just you and whatever or whoever you decide to bring into your life. It's very depressing to think you have no one on your side, but trust me, if you start to open up, you will find support - and maybe in unexpected places. But please, don't look back, look forward. xx

@EllieStartingOver

You keep going girl! I promise you, once you are out the other side your life will be so much more xx

OP you have TOTALLY done the right thing. His behaviour is clever and designed to bring you back, but weaker and more vulnerable and more compliant.

Stay strong and thank the lord your family gave you the perspective to realise this is not acceptable. You will feel better. Keep coming here for support.

He's an abuser.
Please dump him.

OP your post could have been written by me.

I was in a LTR with an educated, gentle, quietly-spoken middle aged, middle class, professional gent. Then one day, same thing happened, a massive, scary tantrum over something trivial. A few months later, same again. I posted it as a problem on another forum, not MN, and found other women who'd been in the same boat.

They told me to research NPD, and that my long term man was a covert narc. People with this disorder are perfectly normal 99% of the time, then periodically have these "red mist" tantrums when they feel their ego has been attacked.

Look it up yourself.

I tried to cure my man. Waste of several years of my life.

If someone did this once I would forgive them. It could be pressure from other things building up or it could be a weird trigger from childhood that they need to recognise and sort out. But a couple of times a year every year is a habit. And the escalation is horrendous.

Dump him.

Sorry you're experiencing this. I was in a relationship like this over a decade ago - a guy that was wonderful in every way but every now and then would just absolutely lose it.

I left him because of it - I just was not interested in being spoken to like that and worried about that level of anger further down the line and what it could lead to.

He went on to have loads of therapy and realised he had a LOT of issues tied up in his childhood and mother (always the way....).

Anyway I happily married someone else and never looked back.

Through mutual friends I heard that he got married too, and then had lots of drinking and anger problems and she divorced him.

Just sharing my experience as honestly these angry outbursts come from somewhere and you need to think about how that would be in the future/with kids etc.

Good luck OP

Yuck, I could not be intimate with a man who acted like that. He sounds like a 3yo having a tantrum.

LTB.

I am sorry OP. I am wondering if its a good idea to contact an ex of his and check this is how he was with them? Maybe other posters can comment if they think this will help or hinder.

If you’ve left him, well done.

You will be absolutely wasting your energy and time wondering why he was like this or what his family think.

None of that matters, all that matters is getting your life back on track and moving forwards.

Leave him to it, don’t look back.

You’ve had a lucky escape, your life would have been a living hell with him.