Completely bewildered by partners odd behaviour

[Mischiefofmice]

My partner lives with me and is normally very loving and kind and we get on really well. However every so often he acts in the most startling way. Take this evening, we are going on a trip in just over 2 months and they need proof of our vaccinations so I downloaded the NHS app earlier and suggested I do his tonight on his phone ( he gets impatient at IT and I can usually muddle my way thro it).
Job done and I asked him to check to see if it had been approved and simply said we can’t get on the trip without it. Which is true. I said it as it’s a matter of fact , I’m not stressed or worried in any way, but seeing as I’m doing all the organising I just wanted to tick it off the list ( there’s quite a lot of admin involved and 2 months will come round quick and I need to be organised with it) . It was just a completely normal conversation that would have been impossible to take umbrage at.
Except he did, went wild, shouting and ranting at me that I’m over the top and worrying and treating him like a child. Eh! The more calmly I explained I wasn’t worried the tried to defend myself the nastier he got. This happens every few months. It’s SO over the top, I wish it was recorded so I could play it back to him. It’s goes from nothing to 100% nasty in seconds and I’m left baffled.
He projects onto me and tells me that it’s my fault, I cause it, I’m mad, todaywhen I tried to reason and calm him I got told to shut my fucking mouth. He threw his specs across the floor and stormed off in his car.
Meanwhile I’m left dazed thinking what the hell happened then.
5 minutes later he’s back as if nothings happened but I’m not aloud to speak . I tried to calmly say I didn’t think being told to shut my fucking mouth was respectable or nice. His response was he wasn’t listening and every time I tried to say anything he just talked over me and put his fingers in his ears. Every time.
If it wasn’t so nasty his behaviour would be comical. Tomorrow he will be back to normal and I’ll just be expected to be my normal self but every time he does it , it makes me love and trust him less. It’s just so extreme.

Do not stay together just cause you have holidays booked.
It doesn't matter how he paints you, you're family and friends will believe you and more than that: you know you'll have done the right thing!

He does have insight and he knows exactly what he is doing, please leave him ASAP, cancel all trips even if you loose money. That man has no respect for you.

If I asked him to leave he would take it very badly and I would be the bad guy to family and friends because they don’t see what I experience.

It's astonishing you're still with him and incredibly fucking sad that you would even give a shit about what anyone els thinks, including your abuser, if you broke up with him. Your family and friends don't know fuck all, do they?

Forget about the stupid holidays. Get rid of this terrible man right now.

Sounds like he may be having psychological issues

Sounds like he may be having psychological issues

Irrelevant. Leave him.

@Mischiefofmice

He is an abusive knobhead. Dump him.It won't get better and treading on eggshells waiting for the next outburst is no way to live.

You deserve better.

@Mischiefofmice This is who he really is. It doesn’t matter if he is nice to you most of the time, because you are constantly waiting for his next outburst.

If someone made you a cup of coffee and said it contains 1% shit but the rest of it is fine - would you drink it?

You've been asked several times if children are involved.

@Mischiefofmice

Thank you for your comments. I do feel it’s some some sort of control and it’s getting worse. He was fine the first year and then flipped one night. I was so shocked and he said really hurtful things that aren’t true. But once said you can’t unhear them can you! Since then the bursts have got closer together and each time he gets meaner. Things are fine as long I’m a ‘good girl’ . My wants and needs don’t really ever get addressed because any issues become about him and he hijacks the conversation with his temper and I end up tiptoeing around to make things better. He tells me he loves me everyday , buys me flowers on a regular basis but that’s not love is it. Love is action and his actions tell me he has no respect for me. And no he wouldn’t talk to his work mates , friends or family like that, they would be so shocked as he comes across as such a ‘nice guy’. He does drink a lot of wine , but there’s no excuse for his verbal behaviour.

well its sad ,but it does sound abusive as its not a once a year thing when hes under stress , if its happening more and more frequently thne its most definatly abusive behaviour and you are being conditioned to being controlled by him , it would be best to plan to leave him as soon as possible , hes relaxing now and each time he has an outburst and you still stay with him , it probably just makes him more confident you will just put up with it . i couldnt be living like this , went through it once . i managed to leave with difficulty , id never put up with this nonsense again ever ,

@AgathaAllAlong

You should be walking away anyway. Growing up in an abusive household is very damaging for children.

Because you are free to make the choice to stay with this wanker, if for whatever reason you decide its worth putting up with this abuse. ( I dunno, maybe he's the only man to ever make you orgasm (TRY WOMEN) or he pays you £5k per month or idk)

But any children of yours, his, or both of yours - they don't have their choice. And they're certainly not getting any benefit from having this cunt in their lives. So if there are kids - you must get out. Or you're letting them down.

People like your partner don't change OP, they just pick up momentum with each episode.
You say you've got four big trips booked the first one two months away? Does that mean you're going to walk on egg shells for two months? Then again for a few more months, until you've been away with him?
If you don't stand your ground now, whilst this behaviour is still 'fresh' you're going to have to wait for the next one to end it.

Yes I guess it's be lovely to go on holidays after the awful year we've had, but going away with him may not be a wise move.

You are correct, flowers and such aren't love, not when the person that buys them is an abusive bully... He is abusive, and as you say your love and respect dies a little each time his control grows each time.

Sod what others say, or think of you ending it, you do what's right for you, and to keep yourself safe.

Only with you.
He won't discuss it afterwards or apologise.
He justifies and minimises it.
You now live life anticipating the next time.
And there will be one.

It's horrible, I've lived that path.
There's really nothing you can do to resolve it, because it's not about what you do, or say.

You could ask him to consider counselling together if you're unsure of your next steps. It's unlikely to stop him from doing it, to be honest, but it will help you see what you want for your life.
Good luck.

@twillow its not advised to have counselling with an abuser

Sound like you bugging and nagging him and it builds up and he explodes not really very good behaviour, as you say it happens every few months also trying to talk straight after never works he needs to carm down

It’s him against me and the whole world.

Nope. It's actually him against you, your needs against his wants.

And the reality of him versus the image of himself he wants to project.

Never forget that.

You need to end this urgently.

When you say he is lovely, you mean he isn’t shouting and ranting at you.
Because a man that treats you this way ‘sometimes’ isn’t lovely at all.
I’ve been there and stayed way too long and it got a lot, lot worse before I had the courage to leave.
Please don’t accept this as your normal life, it’s far too short

As a man I sometimes find that some people are quick to say LTB over fairly minor misdemeanours but in this case you are standing up for him (he’s a lovely man)when you should get out of there as quickly as you can.He should be grateful for the work you do for him

@AgathaAllAlong

These replies have been shocking to me, OP, my DP is very similar. Nice and normal most of the time, sometimes utterly loses it banging doors and screaming, swearing at me, calling me names. Doesn't care if our little son can hear, then if I try to talk he just repeats "Go away, leave me alone" as soon as I try to say anything. Then the day after acts like it was nothing. He will apologise if I ask him to, but reiterate that it was my fault.

Same in that the issue is trivial. The latest example is that I cooked the wrong potatoes. He has specifically asked for one type, and I accidentally put in a different type.

I have no advice to give I'm afraid other than to say it only started after I'd have children, and if I didn't have them and we'd not been together long, I think I'd probably walk away the second time it happened. It's hard to say though, since before all of this I wouldn't ever have pictured myself as the type of person who gets screamed at by a partner.

Sadly abusers up the abuse when they know you have children, it makes it so much harder, and makes you feel so guilty if you uproot your child to leave. It starts with the little things, tutting, questioning, criticism and bit by bit those little things start to form a pattern, and each time they flip, your natural reaction is 'wow what/how did that come about?' Bit by bit it gets worse, and you become conditioned to question if it's actually you that's the problem, because that's how they make you feel. You don't realise that you're holding your breathe around them, until you suddenly question why your chest feels right. You don't realise that you buy those exact spuds he wants, even if they're dearer... You'll buy them and you'll cook them to perfection, so the next time it won't be about the spuds, it'll be some other trivial thing, that bit by bit is controlling you... If your child is witnessing these outbursts that is going to affect them. If you leave, you remove his control. He'll try his hardest to control you through your children then. It's tough, but so is living how you are. At least getting out you have the opportunity to stop the constant fear of his temper.

@ferando81

As a man I sometimes find that some people are quick to say LTB over fairly minor misdemeanours but in this case you are standing up for him (he’s a lovely man)when you should get out of there as quickly as you can.He should be grateful for the work you do for him

Yes what you say is very true, often on here women are making post after post screeching LTB because some poor bloke hasn't whizzed the hoover around the lounge. It trivialises situations where LTB is essential. I'm sure this OP wouldn't give a shite about her lounge. Her situation is very real.

First things first, cancel that trip.
You sound brainwashed -that he behaviour is just a bit strange, when it's is totally abusive. Being told to shut your mouth over something as trivial as checking the NHS app...MASSIVE RED FLAG

He sounds psychotic.

A friend of mine is dating someone just like your dh. She has to walk on eggshells with him and pick and choose the questions and topics of conversation very carefully so as to not to set him off. She’s been dealing with his crap for over 5 years but luckily she doesn’t live with him. I would LTB if I were you or at the very least get marriage counseling

You could have a great life together... if he was a different person with a different temperament. He is not. You will not have a good life with him.

You are mourning the loss of what you have imagined having with him if he wasnt like this. You're mourning the loss of a possible future. That's the hardest thing. You've imagined what you could have, if only he wasnt like that, and now you're struggling to let go of the made up, what if, life.

You are not mourning the loss of what you actually have with him, because what you have is a life of walking in eggshells and if you say the wrong thing, it even the right thing but at the wrong time, or you use a tone he doesnt like, he explodes at you, then refuses to even let you speak and then pretends it never happened. You "behave" better because you dont want it to happen again, but it always does, because of him. Not because of you. Because of him, because this is who he is and this is what he does. That will not change. That is the life you will have together. Dont fool yourself into believing it will be different. Dont waste your life with him because you're sad over losing a life you imagined, if only he was different.

What other people think means nothing. This is your life, and it's the only one you get. You dont get another go around if you waste it.

I love the idea of filming him and circulating it to his family and friends. Or putting it on YouTube!

But why are you even considering going on holiday with a violent, nasty man? Pay the single supplement - you'll have a much better time!
It won't get any better as he gets older, so get out now.

You deserve so much better 💐