Completely bewildered by partners odd behaviour

[Mischiefofmice]

My partner lives with me and is normally very loving and kind and we get on really well. However every so often he acts in the most startling way. Take this evening, we are going on a trip in just over 2 months and they need proof of our vaccinations so I downloaded the NHS app earlier and suggested I do his tonight on his phone ( he gets impatient at IT and I can usually muddle my way thro it).
Job done and I asked him to check to see if it had been approved and simply said we can’t get on the trip without it. Which is true. I said it as it’s a matter of fact , I’m not stressed or worried in any way, but seeing as I’m doing all the organising I just wanted to tick it off the list ( there’s quite a lot of admin involved and 2 months will come round quick and I need to be organised with it) . It was just a completely normal conversation that would have been impossible to take umbrage at.
Except he did, went wild, shouting and ranting at me that I’m over the top and worrying and treating him like a child. Eh! The more calmly I explained I wasn’t worried the tried to defend myself the nastier he got. This happens every few months. It’s SO over the top, I wish it was recorded so I could play it back to him. It’s goes from nothing to 100% nasty in seconds and I’m left baffled.
He projects onto me and tells me that it’s my fault, I cause it, I’m mad, todaywhen I tried to reason and calm him I got told to shut my fucking mouth. He threw his specs across the floor and stormed off in his car.
Meanwhile I’m left dazed thinking what the hell happened then.
5 minutes later he’s back as if nothings happened but I’m not aloud to speak . I tried to calmly say I didn’t think being told to shut my fucking mouth was respectable or nice. His response was he wasn’t listening and every time I tried to say anything he just talked over me and put his fingers in his ears. Every time.
If it wasn’t so nasty his behaviour would be comical. Tomorrow he will be back to normal and I’ll just be expected to be my normal self but every time he does it , it makes me love and trust him less. It’s just so extreme.

It’s like he just doesn’t have any insight into his behaviour.

He thinks he's in the right. And how dare you think otherwise- you, a woman?

Bin.

Leave him, please. This is abusive and it will only get worse.

@AgathaAllAlong I went through this with my ex and if anything, having children is even more of a reason to leave. You’re not doing them any favours by staying with him. Please do not let them grow up thinking this is normal. Telling them daddy is bad when he emotionally and verbally abuses mummy is not enough. They need to see you will not tolerate being treated like that by ending the relationship with him. I’ve been there and he made my life hell for two years after I left to punish me for doing it and still tries via the kids but it’s one of the best decisions I ever made. I’m free, I don’t have to walk on eggshells, I don’t have to pretend everything’s fine when he’s smashed up stuff in the house/slammed doors/screamed at me that I’m a bitch/piece of shit in front of the kids for some minor issue. Same as the op, he would act like nothing had happened the next day and I was the asshole if I expected an apology or wanted to talk about it. I made excuses for him, downplayed how bad it was, talked about how funny and affectionate he was at other times, convinced myself he wasn’t regularly physically abusive so it wasn’t that bad when it really was. “Every couple has their problems” was one of my favourites and it’s bullshit. It got worse and worse. They never change. There’s no excuse for him treating you like this. None.

Perhaps you can occupy yourself cancelling the holidays while you work out how to ask him to leave. As long as you are safe it doesn’t matter how he reacts. Invite a friend over and hide them in a room so there’s back up? Your family and friends might be surprised at the time but they will understand. You need to say he would go off at me regularly, incandescent with rage and swear at me. Don’t say ‘oh it just didn’t work out’. That would be a lie.

I think you know what you need to do, please do not let him gaslight you Ito staying.

Seconding everything Jellykat said. Before I left my abusive marriage, I had already reconciled myself to the fact that exh would tell anyone who would listen that I was crazy, unreasonable, blah blah and decided that I didn't care - it would be worth it.

Please do not put up with this. you are worth more than this man is capable of giving.
My Mum's partner when I was 11 was like this. He started off OK an as time went on he had the odd outburst but two years down the line it was every week and the length of time we all had to walk on egg shells increased.
I wasn't allowed to talk to my Mum, if I did he would turn the TV up so loud that it rattled the windows. At 17 I left home because I couldn't take it any more. Mum was too afraid to move and couldn't afford to get a place for both of us. She left him soon after I moved out but not before he had been violent with her.
All the neighbours shunned Mum when she left they thought he was such a lovely man...they had no idea what went on behind closed doors.

What a nasty man, I wouldn’t keep a friend like that let alone a partner. You can do better than this OP. Don’t live a life with someone like this

Yep, this is not ok. Whatever is going on here is not something that’s your job to fix. If he cannot aknowledge and deal with it then it will only get worse over time.

I am currently watching someone I love go through the same thing. As much as I am supporting her to leave with the kids, she isn't ready to leave yet. Im not sure how bad things need to get tbh. My gut tells me viewing her on a slab at the mortuary 😭
In my case there are children involved. Two beautiful kids who have witnessed this abuser smashing the house up on a regular basis, hitting their mum, the shouting, the walking on egg shells.
SS have been and gone because he convinced them he had it sorted. And she backed him up 😔 because she's scared.
Don't be her.
Your partner is an abusive wanker. The period of time between episodes gets shorter so you will be in a permanent state of confusion. You may experience panic attacks or depression. Or both.
You will stop engaging with friends because explaining where you've been/where you're going is met with hostility and you may be accused of cheating.
You will ask him if its ok to do the most mundane things, like put the washing machine on, incase it disturbs him. All these little questions will highlight to him that you are broken. Not the woman he fell in love with (if he was ever capable of that) and he will use this against you too.
Its a horrible descent into madness.
Please get out while you can see what he's doing. Fuck anyone else's point of view, its not their relationship or mental health that matters!

The mention of "good girl" would have me running for the door I think.

Not that it excuses his behaviour in any way but temper is usually down to some sort of fear about loss of control. I wouldn't be so sure his family don't know about this side to him. He may have been raised thinking it was ok to take anxiety out on other people this way, and/ or he is modelling someone in his close family when he does it.

Either way you need to take him to a public place like a restaurant where he can't get angry and set out your terms. If you have a film or recording of his behaviour to show him that might help. Tell him that you can't live a life walking on eggshells not knowing which trivial incident is going to set him off next. And you certainly can't have DC with someone who does this. It's up to you whether you give him a second chance but if you do, the very moment he lapses (which he probably will) you need to leave. Good luck

Would have been a dealbreaker for me the very first time. I don’t do screaming and shouting people.

I assume you've talked to him about this when he's back to normal. What does he say?

My late DH was like this. He was an addict. It got worse as he became more unwell - basically he needed a reason for me to be awful so he could storm off and use substances. When your DH strops off, do you know where he goes and what he does?

Are the 4 big holidays really worth being in a hovel of a relationship? I'm sure there's a lot of cost involved but I certainly wouldn't want to be going away with a man like this, with no-one close by to support me should he turn nasty (and violent - it sounds like his behaviour is escalating). Do yourself a favour and end this now, its not going to end up well.

Mischiefofmice

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Your partner is abusive towards you so the relationship is really over. This man hates women too, ALL of them starting with his own mother. His nice/nasty cycle of abuse towards you is a continuous one. Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over you. He will leave you a quivering wreck going forward and you are already walking on eggshells aka living in fear.

Remember always that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Do not stay with such a man for the sake of some four holidays that are booked up. These need to be cancelled.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

The ‘nice’ times are not nice - they are an intrinsic part of the abuse cycle. They are a grooming and manipulation tactic to reel you back in after an assault (verbal, emotional or physical).

I am astounded at PP on this thread saying give him an ultimatum, sit down and talk to him, record what he does etc.

No.

He actively chooses to abuse you each and every time. He now has you in a perpetual state of hyper alert walking on eggshells adapting your behaviors and thinking (“wrong” potatoes?!?!?) 24/7/365.

Your physiology will be swimming with cortisol and adrenaline, your heart will be racing as your base state. You won’t be able to think straight as your body will always be in physical trauma mode - poised for fright, flight, fight, freeze, fawn or flop. You will be exhausted and erode as a physically and mentally.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Tell some trusted friends - tell them you need support to get out. That will start the ball rolling.

You don’t need to minimise or JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) your actions and feelings to any of his family and friends.

You can have one line “He is relentlessly emotionally violent to me” - rinse and repeat. No need to give further details. You don’t need their approval or owe them an explanation. Expect them to be shocked or disbelieve (or deny - some will already know) and just turn your back and disconnect.

Emotionally detach in your head.
Know that no one deserves this.
Know that it is over and you need to get out swiftly and cleanly.

He has decided to conduct his own private based war against you.

Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world so it is of no real surprise that your family and friends (although one or two of them perhaps have their own private based suspicions about him) are unaware of his true nature. Abuse like described thrives on secrecy so by writing about him on here you have taken a small but important step. You need to start opening up to others in your immediate family about him.

Abuse like this can take time, perhaps years even, to recover from and your recovery from this has not begun yet. It will not until you have left the relationship. I would also urge you to make contact with Womens Aid and read about the Freedom Programme (this is for those who have been in abusive relationships).

Sorry I'd be getting a divorce if somebody spoke to me like this.

I think @Mischiefofmice the really worrying thing is his lack of insight into his behaviour.

He's not reflecting on himself and using that to try to solve the problem.

When he gets in a rage he is in a totally paranoid persecuted place where you become public enemy number one in his mind. He can't think about what's happening nor how disconnected from reality his thinking is.

It could be addressed with a lot of therapy - psychodynamic where he would be able to have a relationship with a therapist and recreate these difficulties and be helped to think about them.

Or DBT which would help him learn to manage intense feelings and be able to reflect.

But either of those would require him deciding he has a problem and I don't think you should wait around for that moment.

The thing about the holidays is that his behaviour may well be worse on holiday. Someone on here the other day said abusive men are often worse on holiday. Especially if alcohol is a factor. How do you know he won't ruin it by being a dick?

To add he sounds like his mind is quite undeveloped and he does a lot of black and white thinking.

As another poster says the good times are post of a cycle. Your partner lives in a black and white world where he loves you and you are good in his mind or he hates you and you are an enemy.

When he's in one state of mind the opposing state is lost to him, split off.

So when he's experiencing you as good, he doesn't have any access to experience of you as bad. And when he gets you are bad he can't call to mind the you that he loves. He can't reflect on anything as all there is is what's happening in the here and now.

Like a toddler I suppose. You just go on flipping between the two unless he gets help to develop.

You say it's a shame because you could have a great life together

That's just not true I'm afraid,, you could never have a good life with someone who views you with utter contempt. Which he does.

He doesn't love you - the 'lovely' times are him reeling you in, giving you just enough to keep you under his control.

Leave him - for the sake of your physical and emotional well being

Finally, I think you're own experience of confusion and bafflement are a good indicator of the fact that he's operating at quite a primitive undeveloped level when he's in these states. The feeling of nothing making sense and the suspension of ordinary rules of adult engagement/reality must feel v confusing.

Not adding anything new here, OP, just reiterating what everyone else has said.

This will never be a normal or happy relationship. His explosive toddler tantrums will become ever more frequent and unpredictable, and are already doing what they’re designed to do - keep you in a state of low level anxiety and ensure you’re the pliable ‘good girl’ (shudder) he needs you to be.

As ‘lovely’ and harmless as he may appear the rest of the time, this will eventually become the dominant factor in your relationship, and if you stay with him it will ultimately cost you your happiness, your autonomy and even your sense of who you are as a person, because your whole existence will become centred around managing and placating your partner.

You’ve had some really wise advice here, and I don’t see anyone minimising his behaviour or encouraging you to stick with it.

Run. Holidays are irrelevant (and insured). Get out while you can.