Completely bewildered by partners odd behaviour

[Mischiefofmice]

My partner lives with me and is normally very loving and kind and we get on really well. However every so often he acts in the most startling way. Take this evening, we are going on a trip in just over 2 months and they need proof of our vaccinations so I downloaded the NHS app earlier and suggested I do his tonight on his phone ( he gets impatient at IT and I can usually muddle my way thro it).
Job done and I asked him to check to see if it had been approved and simply said we can’t get on the trip without it. Which is true. I said it as it’s a matter of fact , I’m not stressed or worried in any way, but seeing as I’m doing all the organising I just wanted to tick it off the list ( there’s quite a lot of admin involved and 2 months will come round quick and I need to be organised with it) . It was just a completely normal conversation that would have been impossible to take umbrage at.
Except he did, went wild, shouting and ranting at me that I’m over the top and worrying and treating him like a child. Eh! The more calmly I explained I wasn’t worried the tried to defend myself the nastier he got. This happens every few months. It’s SO over the top, I wish it was recorded so I could play it back to him. It’s goes from nothing to 100% nasty in seconds and I’m left baffled.
He projects onto me and tells me that it’s my fault, I cause it, I’m mad, todaywhen I tried to reason and calm him I got told to shut my fucking mouth. He threw his specs across the floor and stormed off in his car.
Meanwhile I’m left dazed thinking what the hell happened then.
5 minutes later he’s back as if nothings happened but I’m not aloud to speak . I tried to calmly say I didn’t think being told to shut my fucking mouth was respectable or nice. His response was he wasn’t listening and every time I tried to say anything he just talked over me and put his fingers in his ears. Every time.
If it wasn’t so nasty his behaviour would be comical. Tomorrow he will be back to normal and I’ll just be expected to be my normal self but every time he does it , it makes me love and trust him less. It’s just so extreme.

People can and will think what they like. But you know the truth. Hang on to that.

It is highly likely that he will continue to be Mr Nice Guy and some poor woman will take your place. Over time, the cracks in his facade may appear. But you will never know. Because you have saved yourself.

You have given yourself the best gift you could ever give. You should be immensely proud of yourself. I know I'm proud of you.

Get as far away from this mess of a man and his people as you can. Even if it means cutting off people you care about. Give yourself time and space to grieve and heal. I wish you well @Mischiefofmice

My exH was like this. Exactly like this. No remorse, blaming me, totally fucking with my mind, nice guy to the whole world. Do not regret ending this. It only gets worse. Talk to your family, they will support you. If they don't, they are not worth having. It is always a good idea to record these episodes as listening to it and showing others, in the cold light of day, confirms it was always him and helps you keep your resolve strong.

Oh and tell your family and friends. Give them the opportunity to believe you and support you. Tell your closest people everything.

Absolutely agree with what @Doublestar said.
I bet people don't like him as much as you think. I tolerate my friends husband because she has chosen to stay with him, but her female friends think he's a complete gaslighting control freak. We're staying on the scene so he can't isolate her. He'd love to have her all to himself. It's hard to watch but she knows we know and are there for her.
You're braver and stronger than you know.

OP never go back to that man. You can find someone who is genuinely kind, caring and fun to be around. Equally you are kind and caring and fun to be around. You don’t need this pathetic excuse for a man, he does not have you fooled any more. Please tell your family that you had to call police on him and he was violent and shit. You know what happened and that is all the proof that you need that you made the correct decision.

This might sound utter weird, but can he read and write? Some folks can't and hide it incredibly well and panic in a situation where it is impossible to avoid.

I know, sounds crazy but...

*utterly

You have absolutely done the right thing. He might be telling people a different story - lying to them - but you know the truth. When people lie, people who know them well tend to have an idea they are lying (even if they won't admit it). But no matter what, you are now safe, and on your way to building a much better life. You mention that your family love you, and that they are love him. You should tell them the truth. In the same way that his family are programmed to 'side' with him if it comes down to it, so your family are programmed to 'side' with you. And you are the one telling the truth. Please don't be frightened to tell people the truth. He is relying on you being frightened to confide in people so he can keep peddling his version of events. By not talking to people, it's playing to his benefit. I think you will feel such relief when you tell the first person.

You have support here, and a bright, safe future ahead of you, no matter what.

Maybe he is desperately afraid he is ineffectual and he himself should have done the form filling.

In any case his emotional welfare is not your responsibility. You should move out of his life.

Op, the more you put in place boundaries then more he reacted to you.

You are not the cause and your feelings of being scared because he has no guilt or remorse are valid.

When a partner drops their mask and you see that they don't have guilt or remorse it is utterly terrifying. I had a similar revelation and I knew I could never feel safe with him again.

It feel very unfair that he has managed to manipulate the situation so he still retains his nice guy image BUT that highlights how disordered and flawed he is. His ego is so sensitive that he is prepared to let a good relationship go because he can't handle the realities of his behaviour. He is so disordered that he knows he has to protect his image because he fears people knowing the real him.

The upshot is that he WILL never be able to make healthy relationships work. You however have demonstrated you are capable of loving and respecting your own boundaries.

I know why it's hard to let him go. Ex was highly capable and when NOT triggered we had a good relationship but over time as he got more comfortable with me (through marriage and chldren) the more easily he was triggered so the outbursts became regular. It is rare (read impossible) for people like him to change so all you could do was leave.