Just for fun: apply Relationships advice, ruin a song

[BlowDryRat]

I'll start.

Why are you begging Jolene not to steal 'your man'? If he's willing to be 'stolen' then your relationship is over. Get some self respect and LTB.

We can't go on together
With suspicious minds (with suspicious minds)
And we can't build our dreams
On suspicious minds

So, if an old friend I know
Stops by to say hello
Would I still see suspicion in your eyes?

Here we go again
Asking where I've been
(You can't see the tears are real, I'm crying)
(Yes, I'm crying)

He is gaslighting you. Get a good lawyer, get everything in order and get out.

Elvis. Suspicious minds - ya think!

@Cleverpolly3

“Sign your name across my heart, I want you to be my lady”

Erm that might be a tad painful

Sign your name across my heart
TTD

I remember absolutely swooning to this song on TOTP around 88-89. TTD is a very interesting artist - look up recent interviews.

Ok he says he can't live without you, but all he ever mentions is your clothes, your hair, your tattoo. He doesn't know one thing about your personality or who you actually are. What would happen if you took the bright streaks out of your hair? Would he still be into you.

[OP updates]

Of course he doesn't feel the same any more. He's shallow and trust me, he's the weirdo, not you. He's shown you who he is; believe him.

(McFly, Five Colours In Her Hair)

@takealettermsjones

Ok he says he can't live without you, but all he ever mentions is your clothes, your hair, your tattoo. He doesn't know one thing about your personality or who you actually are. What would happen if you took the bright streaks out of your hair? Would he still be into you.

[OP updates]

Of course he doesn't feel the same any more. He's shallow and trust me, he's the weirdo, not you. He's shown you who he is; believe him.

(McFly, Five Colours In Her Hair)

Yeah. Oh, and she probably doesn't want you telling everyone that she cooks naked, either.

@BlowDryRat

None of these women are interested in you.

Mambo No 5 - Lou Bega

Brilliant

The fact that you are asking “where can I find a woman like that” just proves that you’re not actually in love with Jesse’s girlfriend the person, you’re just in love with the idea of her.

And as for “being cool with the lines” is “the way love is supposed to be” - wake up and smell the coffee sunshine, love isn’t all jokes and suave repartee, it’s practical and messy and banal and not a teenage romantic cliche.

-jesse’s girl, Rick Springfield

Old one this
Young Girl by Gary Puckett and The Union Gap.
I can't help thinking "paedophile"...just wrong 😡

I would do reasonable things (that don't push my boundaries) for love....which is why I won't do that

Why waste your time?
You know you're gonna be mine
You know you're gonna be mine
You know you're gonna be mine

I'm gonna get you, baby
I'm gonna get you, yes I am
I'm gonna get you, baby
I'm gonna get you, yes I am

The restraining order says otherwise.

I'm Gonna Get You - Bizarre Inc.

Coz you make me feel like
I've been locked out of heaven
For so long (for so long)

FGS she's not a blow-up doll, Bruno and she doesn't want to have sex with you AGAIN today. Go have a wank and stop objectifying and sex - pestering her or she will kick you out of "heaven" permanently.

God Only Knows by the Beach Boys:

"I may not always love you,
But long as there are stars above you,
You'll never need to doubt it,
I'll make you so sure about it."

You mean if you stop loving me you will PRETEND that you still do?

The whole of 24 Hours From Tulsa. ... so let's get this straight - you couldn't keep it in your pants for one more day?

Glad I got that off my chest. Those two songs give me the rage every time I hear them.

"Maybe I didn't treat you..... and I guess i never told you......little things I should have said and done, I never took the time....(etc etc, all the way through the song) - BUT that's ok because "You were always on my mind". So just "give me one more chance to keep you satisfied"???!
Well, hoo-bloody-ray then, as long as I am telepathic it will work out fine then.

I'd Do Anything for Love (But I won't do that)

Well quite, let the porn obsessed git find other partners to get his kicks.

Meatloaf.

Rage alert…

“Day after day
There are girls at the office
And men will always be men
Don't send him off with your hair still in curlers
You may not see him again
For wives should always be lovers too
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you
He's almost here”

Men will always be men?! Men will always be men???!!! Oh. Well. That’s alright then. Poor loves, being burdened with the unreasonable expectation to, ya know, control themselves at the office, and totally not their fault if the little lady at home can’t be arsed to make an effort…

Wives and Lovers - Jack Jones

Stop bloody staring at me while I'm asleep Aerosmith, you creeps!

'I miss the touch of her body so much
I long for the warmth inside her"

🤢🤮 get a willy warmer Ricky

"somewhere in time, she will come back to me and I'll spend my whole life beside her"

Morgan Freeman: and when she finally did turn up Ricky's husband was not amused

every now and then I get a little bit lonely
And you're never coming 'round
(Turn around) every now and then I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound of my tears
(Turn around) every now and then I get a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by

You can’t spend your life waiting for him Bonnie. To quote the film, he’s just not that into you. If you want DC don’t let him keep you hanging and risk leaving it too late. Download dating apps and go on some dates but in the meantime fill your life with friends and hobbies so your life is full without a man.

I will go and love myself you selfish prick! (your mum's a slag btw...)

Love Yourself -Justin Bieber

"I don't care who you are, where you're from WHAT YOU DID as long as you love me"

😳
I think you should care about stuff like maybe not dating a terrorist, a sociopathic serial killer, a genocidal mmaniac and their ilk BRB.
LTB, you are worth so much more

Don't listen to him when he tries to fob you off with that "don't have much money" crap, or witters on about potions and travelling shows. So when he says it's "your song" make sure that means you get the royalties. Otherwise you'll find he chucks you out of that big house where you both could live when he's fed up of you and you'll have no rights or financial stability. FFS he can't even remember your eye colour - don't trust him.

Some things never should be stripped naked of fantasy
They're not meant to be real
I remember the look in your eyes
At the hotel when I arrived full of adventure
You said, "come and see me," until I believed it
What else could you mean?
Long drive back to Madison...

This is a young and inexperienced guy who's baffled that his crush has friendzoned him. But taking the lyrics at face value - it's pretty rapey.

Long Drive Back From Madison by The Bad Examples

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

Call the police now and get CCTV installed.

Every Breath You Take, Police (known in our house as the Stalker's Song)

(How this has become a common wedding song is absolutely beyond me)

My abusive ex quoted this directly the morning I moved out. Completely ruined the song for me.

Not RTFT

If he sings "Wind Beneath My Wings', LTB.
'It must have been cold there in my shadow'. Eff off you big-headed twat.