Feeling like a homewrecker because his mom lives with him

[Knownscallion]

Long venting and I'm new- I’m so sorry! But if anyone wants to read this whole novel I really REALLY need advice on how to move forward. Me and my boyfriend are both in our 30s and both have kids from previous relationships (he has 1, I have 2) Everything was going great, its a healthy and stable relationship and we truly love each other. The kids get along great, we’ve even talked about marriage and possibly having another child in the near future which I started really looking forward to since I figured in my single years by the time I got to this point with someone I’d be too old to have any more. The issue I’m having is that when he purchased his house before we met, he asked his mother to move in with him so he could “take care of her” and have help with his son... and because of that, things have been getting more and more uncomfortable.

Firstly, Im not even sure why she needs to be taken care of so badly (which he keeps mentioning) because she isn’t elderly and has no serious mental or physical issues other than she would probably be lonely on her own and hates leaving the house. She also has admitted to having OCD about things (which is another issue with having kids around). But I understood why he wanted her there at the time. She is really close with him and also basically the primary caregiver for his son since he works so much. Its gotten to the point where his son insists she be the one to do regular parenting things like bath time, and bed time in lieu of him even when he’s there, and shes the one who disciplines and teaches. That concept is kind of sweet in a way but I really don’t know if it’s healthy for him to not have more parental responsibility with his own son. I didn’t grow up in a normal situation and have no real idea what a grandparent role typically involves.

Anyways, up until recently we were kind of toying with the idea of living together which evolved to us coming over and staying at his house most nights of the week (mine is too small for all of us and he likes to be home work nights). We’d begun to develop a bit of a routine and make plans, just seeing how merging households would work. He’d casually brought it up to his mom and said she didnt seem to mind and it was his decision when to have us over. But It started to get awkward because his mom began to complain about my kids doing typical kid things that bothered neither of us such as making too much noise, going in her grandsons room to play, taking toys out that she didn’t want out at the moment etc and she just seemed upset and picking on things in general when we were over. It felt awkward not knowing what was up with her and I didn’t like that it was more “sleepover” than stable living situation for the kids so I told him he needed to have a serious talk with her about us being there so often, as well as our future plans, to make sure she was ok before we kept doing what we were doing.

So he ended up having the conversation and came back to me basically with “she said no”. He said they had a heart to heart and that she will work on being comfortable with the idea of us living with them eventually, but isn’t ok with it right now because she has a hard time with having that many people in the house.

I didn’t even know what to think. I don’t want to overstep but it feels so bizarre to me. I just feel invasive and uncomfortable in my own relationship now. Even if she “allows” us to move in together under duress in the future, I wouldn’t ever feel totally welcome in a place that would be my home. I told him that but he just says that she will warm up to the idea “someday”.

He even told me he wants to marry me when he can get her on board with things...which honestly I understand wanting your mom to be ok with the idea of you marrying someone, but it feels like he is saying she decides if and when that happens, AND that nothing would be changing even if we get married and start a family. This worries me because I’ve explained to him in depth in the past that I love his family being involved, but that I don’t even like roommates living with me, and that in the long run for it to work Id need us to have our personal space, some privacy, and be able to learn to become a family and manage things on our own, and he said he got that then.

So now, since he works until shortly before the kids go to bed and lives half an hour away, us coming over and not spending the night isn’t a feasible option, so Ive told him that I’ll just see him on weekends. This really only means Friday nights and part of Saturday with my parenting schedule. Its been miserable going from seeing him right after work, having dinner together and talking about our days, feeling like we were becoming a family and really progressing...to just feeling like we’re back to casual “dating” and seeing him once a week and never having the kids see each other.

He said in a few years we can get a bigger house with a separate living area for her and everything will be good and not to worry. But this has put a huge shadow over the entire relationship in my mind. I don’t want to give him ultimatums, or make his mom uncomfortable or angry. I Dont want to get between the bond they have and the routine they have. I feel like a homewrecker in such an awkward way. But I don’t want to lose what we have either, and I admit I can tell I’m slowly losing that feeling of closeness we had and grieving for it. I don’t know if I want this sort of “hang out once a week” relationship for years. Im willing to give it more time, but I don’t see much hope for how anything is going to progress any time soon and I don’t know what to do or say to him or if I even should say anything or just appreciate what I have and not complain.

[Knownscallion]

All of the children were playing in there, she just gets overwhelmed in general with what she views as messes and chaos when she gets anxiety. Which, with her OCD, means a pile of blocks that the children are currently playing with for example. She doesn't get mean about it, I can just tell shes having anxiety and micromanaging them. They always pick up and are respectful. But theres no way to avoid noise above whispers when you have three young children playing. Im not sure where the grandson being the issue came from? That’s certainly not the case whatsoever. She simply gets anxiety having commotion in the house, whereas we are both younger and have the energy and patience.

[MadMadMadamMim]

I've no idea how long you've been together, but if it were me I'd be done with this 'relationship'.

I'd simply tell him we want very different things out of life, so I'm calling it a day. Good luck in the future.

There's absolutely no point in discussing it, or hanging on in there. Other people have said plenty on what a mothers boy he is. And why on earth would you want to live with her?

[Knownscallion]

Just to clear up some confusion, since I must have made it come across badly... no he isnt much of a mummys boy, he does all his own chores and doesnt tell her everything, and they didn’t always live together but she was renting and he was buying a big house with room for her. She could pay less rent living there and he wouldnt have to put his son with strangers in childcare. It seemed logical at the time. But yes he should have considered the future and what would happen if he met someone.

And she isnt a bad person at all. If I was in my 60s I wouldnt be comfortable having my son or even roommates gf and kids move in. No, she isnt the true owner of the house, but she has rights just like any roommate and also has a strong attachment to his son so simply saying she needs to move along and let us be is not what I’m at all considering.

The issue wasnt her attitude being awful or being too grumpy, it was that it feels like theres no way for us to progress without it being uncomfortable for someone. She is clearly uncomfortable when the kids are all together playing and is older and prefers peace and quiet, which I understand and dont feel comfortable myself with upsetting.

And his sons mother is still in the picture for her days but has personal issues that dont allow her to be the best parent, which are why she does not have custody. Had nothing to do with the mom as she wasnt living with them.

[QioiioiioQ]

His primary Bond is with his mother and she will fight you to the death for him

[LivingLaVidaCovid]

Your update isn't going to change the responses you get.

There is no way I would want a future, let alone another child who he can not spend time with with the man you describe.
And for avoidance of doubt He is the problem.

[Knownscallion]

I know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me. He isn't a liar or a POS, its simply that I dont feel thats a fair or healthy ultimatum and wouldn't do that to his mom or son.

And for those saying I should be considering my children more, they aren't being verbally assaulted or anything. They enjoy being over there, the kids all enjoy playing together. She just starts nit picking little things and mostly complaining to my boyfriend when we leave about it or directing them to stop doing things that theres no reason for them to stop doing in my and my boyfriends opinions, things that are ok one day but not ok the next, but I can tell its because shes having anxiety with the commotion and not enjoying having a bunch of kids around so it is just uncomfortable as hell. I guess there is really no answer to this that wont hurt someone other than to accept this situation isnt going to work for me. Im having a long talk with the bf about this. Thank you to everyone for your insights.

[DoingItMyself]

It doesn't need all the words.
It's simple.
He lives with his mum.
He's accepts her say ('No') over the further development of his relationship with you.
Run.

[QioiioiioQ]

he would choose me
ya think?
she's hijacked him

[Knownscallion]

All true, thank you. I guess it boils down to...am I willing to continue as we are and be lead on with the promise of progressing to getting serious in a few years when we’re able to buy a home where she has separate living space, and am I okay with her still being right there. And being honest with myself, no I dont want to sit around for years hoping and im too private a person to enjoy extra family members being around every day. So 😩

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me

Even if he did (and pigs might fly ) have you considered the fight she'd probably put up?

Much better in the long run to walk away than put yourself and the DCs through that

[LivingLaVidaCovid]

@Knownscallion

I know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me. He isn't a liar or a POS, its simply that I dont feel thats a fair or healthy ultimatum and wouldn't do that to his mom or son.

And for those saying I should be considering my children more, they aren't being verbally assaulted or anything. They enjoy being over there, the kids all enjoy playing together. She just starts nit picking little things and mostly complaining to my boyfriend when we leave about it or directing them to stop doing things that theres no reason for them to stop doing in my and my boyfriends opinions, things that are ok one day but not ok the next, but I can tell its because shes having anxiety with the commotion and not enjoying having a bunch of kids around so it is just uncomfortable as hell. I guess there is really no answer to this that wont hurt someone other than to accept this situation isnt going to work for me. Im having a long talk with the bf about this. Thank you to everyone for your insights.

Really?
Because he has literally already picked her 🤷‍♀️

So he ended up having the conversation and came back to me basically with “she said no”. He said they had a heart to heart and that she will work on being comfortable with the idea of us living with them eventually, but isn’t ok with it right now because she has a hard time with having that many people in the house.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

no I dont want to sit around for years hoping

Then your decision's probably made
I don't pretend it will be an easy one, but the alternative could be much worse and you'll probably look back on this in years to come and think "what the hell was I doing?"

[ihtwsf]

The issue wasnt her attitude being awful or being too grumpy, it was that it feels like theres no way for us to progress without it being uncomfortable for someone

The majority of the posters were not focussing on her attitude.
The second part of your sentence sums it up - there is no way to progress without it being uncomfortable.
This simply cannot work. He is not leaving her any time soon, possibly ever.

I know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me. He isn't a liar or a POS, its simply that I dont feel thats a fair or healthy ultimatum and wouldn't do that to his mom or son

You don't know that at all. Because it's not "her or me". It's her and her relationship with his DS and he might well decide he gives you up rather than move his DS away from her.

As I said, this is never going to work but you're probably going to hang around for several years because he's going to continue future-faking and talking about a bigger property with a fantasy annex.

[Knownscallion]

Thank you. She didnt go in with him buying the house, she just was renting and the rent prices are ridiculous here so moving in with him when he purchased a home with an extra room, paying much less to watch her grandson while he worked, getting to be around her grandson more, it made perfect sense. But they apparently didnt think of the long term picture of what if he moves on in life and decides to start/combine a family, and how having his mother there would cause problems with that. I cant learn to step parent a child with her there, we cant really learn to function as a unit. And now the issue that I really don't feel right invading on is how much of his sons caretaking she has become a part of, which is his fault because he should have insisted on doing things himself instead of letting her step into the role of bath times and bed times and whatnot, even though she seemed happy to be doing it for him. Im not sure, housing situations aside, how he could transition to taking back over those responsibilities or if she would feel like she was losing too much and be heartbroken by stepping back.

[QioiioiioQ]

They are a pair you will only ever be a third wheel.
Parents often regard their children as insurance policies for their old age, she has already cashed in and is spending her insurance policy. She will not let him go even if he would choose you, she just needs to pull the guilt lever up to number 11 and he will be powerless.

[RiverSkater]

So he ended up having the conversation and came back to me basically with “she said no”. He said they had a heart to heart and that she will work on being comfortable with the idea of us living with them eventually, but isn’t ok with it right now because she has a hard time with having that many people in the house

This is all you need to know. His mum is the woman in his life, not you.

[QioiioiioQ]

she's prevented her son from having a proper adult relationship, very unsavory 😕
I would hate to be a blight on my children's lives like this. Can she really not see how selfish it is?

[AutumnColours9]

His primary Bond is with his mother and she will fight you to the death for him

This ^^

I've been there and it was hell. You cannot win. Caused so much misery.. he will resent you deep down if his mither becomes unhappy. Now we are divorced and his mum is still a nightmare. But she is happy to have him back at the busom.

[MrsRockAndRoll]

@MangosteenSoda

Did his mum pay for part of the house, so did they pool their resources to buy? Whether this is the case or not, it’s been her home for a while now and it’s understandable, and entirely predictable, that she’s uncomfortable with such a massive change.

It sounds like he wanted a live in nanny/housekeeper and didn’t want to pay for it tbh. His mum fit the bill nicely and he didn’t think about future complications. Now it’s either going to disadvantage your relationship or disadvantage his mum’s life. If his mum either moves out or moves into an annexe in a new home, he will likely expect you to take over all drudge duties. She will always want to be involved with raising his DS because it sounds like he’s mostly passed the parenting responsibilities to her. That’s all on him.

This

Great post from @MangosteenSoda

[KatherineJaneway]

I know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me.

I'm not so sure.

[BunnyBerries]

I've been there with my grandmother looking me most of the time when my parents worked. There is no way he will take away the live in, primary caregiver of his son, who is also the grandmother whom his son truly loves. You may feel he would choose you over his mum, but this is a red herring, as that may be so much later, when his child is older teenage and his grandmother 'cramps his style' and he no longer needs her as much. Until then, he will always choose his child, and from what you've said about his relationship with his mother, it would break his son's heart for his grandmother to move out (and her heart too). She is like a mother to him and also happily does the drudge work for her own son. Right now your partner has everything he needs - his child lovingly taken care of, his mum has a home, he can work as late as he likes, and still have a loving gf for his spare time, and then possibility much, much later, a wife and his mum still living in an annex sometime in the future when his child doesn't need her so much. She is only getting older, and as he doesn't seem to want to pay for childcare I doubt he'd pay for her to get care elsewhere so you may well become her carer. I completely get how you want to move forward on this soon, as you would like another child together. It may not be fair for your current children to continue, as you described, 'having sleepovers' every night, when they will always for the considerable future seem to be considered as invading her home's privacy by his mum. You deserve more respect than this but his son really needs his grandmother, or at least his father to step up much, much more, right now. Good luck with what you decide to do.

[Confusedandshaken]

@KatherineJaneway

I know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me.

I'm not so sure.

Exactly. He has had a long talk with her and has chosen her. He has made his decision.

You need to take his mum out of your thought processes here. You aren't in a relationship with her. Her possible OCD/anxieties are not your problem. Accept the reality. You are in a relationship with a man who is prioritising his mum/excellent childcare over you.

You can accept that and hope for change at some unspecified date in the future or you can walk away from this relationship and look for someone who wants to build a home and a family with you. This man is showing you very clearly that he doesn't want that, he prefers his current situation.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

Its gotten to the point where his son insists she be the one to do regular parenting things like bath time, and bed time in lieu of him even when he’s there, and shes the one who disciplines and teaches

His son may 'insist' but he's a child. Your boyfriend is opting out of a lot of the graft parts of parenting (routine, discipline, teaching) and I would find that really unattractive.

It would also mean I didn't feel he was compatible when it came to approaches to parenting which doesn't bode well for living together or in future having a child together.

[princesslarmadrama]

Oh OP it must be hard to realise you won't have a future with this man unless your happy with just seeing him weekends.

[BusyLizzie61]

@Knownscallion

I know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me. He isn't a liar or a POS, its simply that I dont feel thats a fair or healthy ultimatum and wouldn't do that to his mom or son.

And for those saying I should be considering my children more, they aren't being verbally assaulted or anything. They enjoy being over there, the kids all enjoy playing together. She just starts nit picking little things and mostly complaining to my boyfriend when we leave about it or directing them to stop doing things that theres no reason for them to stop doing in my and my boyfriends opinions, things that are ok one day but not ok the next, but I can tell its because shes having anxiety with the commotion and not enjoying having a bunch of kids around so it is just uncomfortable as hell. I guess there is really no answer to this that wont hurt someone other than to accept this situation isnt going to work for me. Im having a long talk with the bf about this. Thank you to everyone for your insights.

@Knownscallion
theres no reason for them to stop doing in my and my boyfriends opinions,
Genuinely he agrees or he is going along with what you said? If he agrees, presumably he challenged at the time? If not I wouldn't assume that he does actually agree I'm afraid!

You mentioned that im too private a person to enjoy extra family members being around every day. So 😩
In this case, then you probably need to part ways, as she's likely to always be intimately involved. Be that living in an annexe or similar.

I also think know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me. you may be slightly deluded here.

Can I please ask How long have you been physically, face to face dating? After how long did you go to stay at his house? Did you continue dating throughout lockdowns? Something about this makes me feel its a very early fledgling relationship and that you are expecting more than perhaps many other would at that time.

I also think that perhaps you should have been making more of an effort with the mother to get to know here too, before adding in 2 other children to the mix.