Feeling like a homewrecker because his mom lives with him

[Knownscallion]

Long venting and I'm new- I’m so sorry! But if anyone wants to read this whole novel I really REALLY need advice on how to move forward. Me and my boyfriend are both in our 30s and both have kids from previous relationships (he has 1, I have 2) Everything was going great, its a healthy and stable relationship and we truly love each other. The kids get along great, we’ve even talked about marriage and possibly having another child in the near future which I started really looking forward to since I figured in my single years by the time I got to this point with someone I’d be too old to have any more. The issue I’m having is that when he purchased his house before we met, he asked his mother to move in with him so he could “take care of her” and have help with his son... and because of that, things have been getting more and more uncomfortable.

Firstly, Im not even sure why she needs to be taken care of so badly (which he keeps mentioning) because she isn’t elderly and has no serious mental or physical issues other than she would probably be lonely on her own and hates leaving the house. She also has admitted to having OCD about things (which is another issue with having kids around). But I understood why he wanted her there at the time. She is really close with him and also basically the primary caregiver for his son since he works so much. Its gotten to the point where his son insists she be the one to do regular parenting things like bath time, and bed time in lieu of him even when he’s there, and shes the one who disciplines and teaches. That concept is kind of sweet in a way but I really don’t know if it’s healthy for him to not have more parental responsibility with his own son. I didn’t grow up in a normal situation and have no real idea what a grandparent role typically involves.

Anyways, up until recently we were kind of toying with the idea of living together which evolved to us coming over and staying at his house most nights of the week (mine is too small for all of us and he likes to be home work nights). We’d begun to develop a bit of a routine and make plans, just seeing how merging households would work. He’d casually brought it up to his mom and said she didnt seem to mind and it was his decision when to have us over. But It started to get awkward because his mom began to complain about my kids doing typical kid things that bothered neither of us such as making too much noise, going in her grandsons room to play, taking toys out that she didn’t want out at the moment etc and she just seemed upset and picking on things in general when we were over. It felt awkward not knowing what was up with her and I didn’t like that it was more “sleepover” than stable living situation for the kids so I told him he needed to have a serious talk with her about us being there so often, as well as our future plans, to make sure she was ok before we kept doing what we were doing.

So he ended up having the conversation and came back to me basically with “she said no”. He said they had a heart to heart and that she will work on being comfortable with the idea of us living with them eventually, but isn’t ok with it right now because she has a hard time with having that many people in the house.

I didn’t even know what to think. I don’t want to overstep but it feels so bizarre to me. I just feel invasive and uncomfortable in my own relationship now. Even if she “allows” us to move in together under duress in the future, I wouldn’t ever feel totally welcome in a place that would be my home. I told him that but he just says that she will warm up to the idea “someday”.

He even told me he wants to marry me when he can get her on board with things...which honestly I understand wanting your mom to be ok with the idea of you marrying someone, but it feels like he is saying she decides if and when that happens, AND that nothing would be changing even if we get married and start a family. This worries me because I’ve explained to him in depth in the past that I love his family being involved, but that I don’t even like roommates living with me, and that in the long run for it to work Id need us to have our personal space, some privacy, and be able to learn to become a family and manage things on our own, and he said he got that then.

So now, since he works until shortly before the kids go to bed and lives half an hour away, us coming over and not spending the night isn’t a feasible option, so Ive told him that I’ll just see him on weekends. This really only means Friday nights and part of Saturday with my parenting schedule. Its been miserable going from seeing him right after work, having dinner together and talking about our days, feeling like we were becoming a family and really progressing...to just feeling like we’re back to casual “dating” and seeing him once a week and never having the kids see each other.

He said in a few years we can get a bigger house with a separate living area for her and everything will be good and not to worry. But this has put a huge shadow over the entire relationship in my mind. I don’t want to give him ultimatums, or make his mom uncomfortable or angry. I Dont want to get between the bond they have and the routine they have. I feel like a homewrecker in such an awkward way. But I don’t want to lose what we have either, and I admit I can tell I’m slowly losing that feeling of closeness we had and grieving for it. I don’t know if I want this sort of “hang out once a week” relationship for years. Im willing to give it more time, but I don’t see much hope for how anything is going to progress any time soon and I don’t know what to do or say to him or if I even should say anything or just appreciate what I have and not complain.

[QioiioiioQ]

'someday' = the day hell freezes over

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me."

I'm just going to quote back a chunk of your OP.

"I told him he needed to have a serious talk with her about us being there so often, as well as our future plans, to make sure she was ok before we kept doing what we were doing.

So he ended up having the conversation and came back to me basically with “she said no”. He said they had a heart to heart and that she will work on being comfortable with the idea of us living with them eventually, but isn’t ok with it right now because she has a hard time with having that many people in the house.

I didn’t even know what to think. I don’t want to overstep but it feels so bizarre to me. I just feel invasive and uncomfortable in my own relationship now. Even if she “allows” us to move in together under duress in the future, I wouldn’t ever feel totally welcome in a place that would be my home. I told him that but he just says that she will warm up to the idea “someday”.

He even told me he wants to marry me when he can get her on board with things...which honestly I understand wanting your mom to be ok with the idea of you marrying someone, but it feels like he is saying she decides if and when that happens, AND that nothing would be changing even if we get married and start a family."

Progressing your relationship is dependant on him getting her "on board". I'm sorry OP, but - he's already made his choice, and it'sher.

[QioiioiioQ]

She is only getting older, and as he doesn't seem to want to pay for childcare I doubt he'd pay for her to get care elsewhere so you may well become her carer
Of course, that is why he wants the OP!
His mother is getting older, at some point she will need someone to look after her. He feels in her debt because of the domestic duties that she has carried out for him, of course he won't care for her himself that's women's work instead he has sought out a woman (the OP) who will care for his mother on his behalf. If only he can manage to string her along with the future faking for a while

[QioiioiioQ]

But she is happy to have him back at the busom
As grim as it is you are right ultimately what she wants is for her son to find safe harbour with her and only her, it's incestuous and wrong and supremely selfish of her

[sunnyblackwidow]

She's holding him back and preventing him from being in a fulfilling relationship with a family unit if his own.

You need to make that very clear to both of them and then walk away OP. He's allowing her to call the shots and you will never be happy like this.

[Honey83]

This would be a nightmare for me.

The absolute best case scenario is that his mum will eventually agree to you getting married and you will live together in a house with her in part of it for the next 20-30 years.

You are not going to get what you want with this particular person.

[BertramLacey]

Oh come on!!! He palms off all of his parenting onto her AND charges her rent for the pleasure?! He’s a pig.

It's a neat trick, getting custody and then not actually parenting. My OH has custody of his DC but he does actually parent. He works part-time and structures his work around school hours and school holidays. He limits the things he does in the evenings so he is at home for his DC. True, like the OP, it is me travelling to him more often than the other way round. But I don't have children so that decision only affects me and I think he's worth it. I wouldn't bother to do that for someone who couldn't look after their own child, still less would I have another child with them.

[Naunet]

She could pay less rent living there and he wouldnt have to put his son with strangers in childcare. It seemed logical at the time

Oh come on!!! He palms off all of his parenting onto her AND charges her rent for the pleasure?! He’s a pig.

[SilverBirchWithout]

I’m in my early sixties, probably about the same age as DP’s mum. I just can’t imagine being the person who stops my DS progressing in a relationship in this way. All most parents want is for their children to be happy and content, and I would be delighted if my DS had found someone, fallen in love, and was looking to live with the partner and have a lovely blended family.
That being said I can understand that stepping back for her will feel hard, but it’s certainly what his mum needs to do. Surely she would relish having her own place and the peace she so obviously craves.
Is there an option for her to rent her own home again but stay near to you both? She could still have a very hands on role providing day time care if that’s what she wants, maybe DP could pay for this care to help ease the burden of the rent money.
There needs to be a long term solution that doesn’t involve her living with you both, if this is not ever going to happen, you really will need to consider walking away. My biggest concern is that your DP is unable to even consider or want to not live with his Mum, obviously he loves her - but it also sounds as if he has abdicated his parenting role, and this doesn’t bode well if you have a child together.

[BertramLacey]

I know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me.

I'd put good money on him choosing her, especially since he has form. There are plenty of women who might be his girlfriend. He only has the one mother. I think OP your choice is weekend girlfriend, or move on. I would also question whether she has had any involvement in previous break ups. I dated someone like this. No-one ever compared to his dear old mum.

[BusyLizzie61]

@Knownscallion

I know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me. He isn't a liar or a POS, its simply that I dont feel thats a fair or healthy ultimatum and wouldn't do that to his mom or son.

And for those saying I should be considering my children more, they aren't being verbally assaulted or anything. They enjoy being over there, the kids all enjoy playing together. She just starts nit picking little things and mostly complaining to my boyfriend when we leave about it or directing them to stop doing things that theres no reason for them to stop doing in my and my boyfriends opinions, things that are ok one day but not ok the next, but I can tell its because shes having anxiety with the commotion and not enjoying having a bunch of kids around so it is just uncomfortable as hell. I guess there is really no answer to this that wont hurt someone other than to accept this situation isnt going to work for me. Im having a long talk with the bf about this. Thank you to everyone for your insights.

@Knownscallion
theres no reason for them to stop doing in my and my boyfriends opinions,
Genuinely he agrees or he is going along with what you said? If he agrees, presumably he challenged at the time? If not I wouldn't assume that he does actually agree I'm afraid!

You mentioned that im too private a person to enjoy extra family members being around every day. So 😩
In this case, then you probably need to part ways, as she's likely to always be intimately involved. Be that living in an annexe or similar.

I also think know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me. you may be slightly deluded here.

Can I please ask How long have you been physically, face to face dating? After how long did you go to stay at his house? Did you continue dating throughout lockdowns? Something about this makes me feel its a very early fledgling relationship and that you are expecting more than perhaps many other would at that time.

I also think that perhaps you should have been making more of an effort with the mother to get to know here too, before adding in 2 other children to the mix.

[princesslarmadrama]

Oh OP it must be hard to realise you won't have a future with this man unless your happy with just seeing him weekends.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

Its gotten to the point where his son insists she be the one to do regular parenting things like bath time, and bed time in lieu of him even when he’s there, and shes the one who disciplines and teaches

His son may 'insist' but he's a child. Your boyfriend is opting out of a lot of the graft parts of parenting (routine, discipline, teaching) and I would find that really unattractive.

It would also mean I didn't feel he was compatible when it came to approaches to parenting which doesn't bode well for living together or in future having a child together.

[Confusedandshaken]

@KatherineJaneway

I know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me.

I'm not so sure.

Exactly. He has had a long talk with her and has chosen her. He has made his decision.

You need to take his mum out of your thought processes here. You aren't in a relationship with her. Her possible OCD/anxieties are not your problem. Accept the reality. You are in a relationship with a man who is prioritising his mum/excellent childcare over you.

You can accept that and hope for change at some unspecified date in the future or you can walk away from this relationship and look for someone who wants to build a home and a family with you. This man is showing you very clearly that he doesn't want that, he prefers his current situation.

[BunnyBerries]

I've been there with my grandmother looking me most of the time when my parents worked. There is no way he will take away the live in, primary caregiver of his son, who is also the grandmother whom his son truly loves. You may feel he would choose you over his mum, but this is a red herring, as that may be so much later, when his child is older teenage and his grandmother 'cramps his style' and he no longer needs her as much. Until then, he will always choose his child, and from what you've said about his relationship with his mother, it would break his son's heart for his grandmother to move out (and her heart too). She is like a mother to him and also happily does the drudge work for her own son. Right now your partner has everything he needs - his child lovingly taken care of, his mum has a home, he can work as late as he likes, and still have a loving gf for his spare time, and then possibility much, much later, a wife and his mum still living in an annex sometime in the future when his child doesn't need her so much. She is only getting older, and as he doesn't seem to want to pay for childcare I doubt he'd pay for her to get care elsewhere so you may well become her carer. I completely get how you want to move forward on this soon, as you would like another child together. It may not be fair for your current children to continue, as you described, 'having sleepovers' every night, when they will always for the considerable future seem to be considered as invading her home's privacy by his mum. You deserve more respect than this but his son really needs his grandmother, or at least his father to step up much, much more, right now. Good luck with what you decide to do.

[KatherineJaneway]

I know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me.

I'm not so sure.

[MrsRockAndRoll]

@MangosteenSoda

Did his mum pay for part of the house, so did they pool their resources to buy? Whether this is the case or not, it’s been her home for a while now and it’s understandable, and entirely predictable, that she’s uncomfortable with such a massive change.

It sounds like he wanted a live in nanny/housekeeper and didn’t want to pay for it tbh. His mum fit the bill nicely and he didn’t think about future complications. Now it’s either going to disadvantage your relationship or disadvantage his mum’s life. If his mum either moves out or moves into an annexe in a new home, he will likely expect you to take over all drudge duties. She will always want to be involved with raising his DS because it sounds like he’s mostly passed the parenting responsibilities to her. That’s all on him.

This

Great post from @MangosteenSoda

[AutumnColours9]

His primary Bond is with his mother and she will fight you to the death for him

This ^^

I've been there and it was hell. You cannot win. Caused so much misery.. he will resent you deep down if his mither becomes unhappy. Now we are divorced and his mum is still a nightmare. But she is happy to have him back at the busom.

[QioiioiioQ]

she's prevented her son from having a proper adult relationship, very unsavory 😕
I would hate to be a blight on my children's lives like this. Can she really not see how selfish it is?

[RiverSkater]

So he ended up having the conversation and came back to me basically with “she said no”. He said they had a heart to heart and that she will work on being comfortable with the idea of us living with them eventually, but isn’t ok with it right now because she has a hard time with having that many people in the house

This is all you need to know. His mum is the woman in his life, not you.

[QioiioiioQ]

They are a pair you will only ever be a third wheel.
Parents often regard their children as insurance policies for their old age, she has already cashed in and is spending her insurance policy. She will not let him go even if he would choose you, she just needs to pull the guilt lever up to number 11 and he will be powerless.

[Knownscallion]

Thank you. She didnt go in with him buying the house, she just was renting and the rent prices are ridiculous here so moving in with him when he purchased a home with an extra room, paying much less to watch her grandson while he worked, getting to be around her grandson more, it made perfect sense. But they apparently didnt think of the long term picture of what if he moves on in life and decides to start/combine a family, and how having his mother there would cause problems with that. I cant learn to step parent a child with her there, we cant really learn to function as a unit. And now the issue that I really don't feel right invading on is how much of his sons caretaking she has become a part of, which is his fault because he should have insisted on doing things himself instead of letting her step into the role of bath times and bed times and whatnot, even though she seemed happy to be doing it for him. Im not sure, housing situations aside, how he could transition to taking back over those responsibilities or if she would feel like she was losing too much and be heartbroken by stepping back.

[ihtwsf]

The issue wasnt her attitude being awful or being too grumpy, it was that it feels like theres no way for us to progress without it being uncomfortable for someone

The majority of the posters were not focussing on her attitude.
The second part of your sentence sums it up - there is no way to progress without it being uncomfortable.
This simply cannot work. He is not leaving her any time soon, possibly ever.

I know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me. He isn't a liar or a POS, its simply that I dont feel thats a fair or healthy ultimatum and wouldn't do that to his mom or son

You don't know that at all. Because it's not "her or me". It's her and her relationship with his DS and he might well decide he gives you up rather than move his DS away from her.

As I said, this is never going to work but you're probably going to hang around for several years because he's going to continue future-faking and talking about a bigger property with a fantasy annex.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

no I dont want to sit around for years hoping

Then your decision's probably made
I don't pretend it will be an easy one, but the alternative could be much worse and you'll probably look back on this in years to come and think "what the hell was I doing?"

[LivingLaVidaCovid]

@Knownscallion

I know if I told him “its her or me” he would choose me. He isn't a liar or a POS, its simply that I dont feel thats a fair or healthy ultimatum and wouldn't do that to his mom or son.

And for those saying I should be considering my children more, they aren't being verbally assaulted or anything. They enjoy being over there, the kids all enjoy playing together. She just starts nit picking little things and mostly complaining to my boyfriend when we leave about it or directing them to stop doing things that theres no reason for them to stop doing in my and my boyfriends opinions, things that are ok one day but not ok the next, but I can tell its because shes having anxiety with the commotion and not enjoying having a bunch of kids around so it is just uncomfortable as hell. I guess there is really no answer to this that wont hurt someone other than to accept this situation isnt going to work for me. Im having a long talk with the bf about this. Thank you to everyone for your insights.

Really?
Because he has literally already picked her 🤷‍♀️

So he ended up having the conversation and came back to me basically with “she said no”. He said they had a heart to heart and that she will work on being comfortable with the idea of us living with them eventually, but isn’t ok with it right now because she has a hard time with having that many people in the house.