Feeling like a homewrecker because his mom lives with him

[Knownscallion]

Long venting and I'm new- I’m so sorry! But if anyone wants to read this whole novel I really REALLY need advice on how to move forward. Me and my boyfriend are both in our 30s and both have kids from previous relationships (he has 1, I have 2) Everything was going great, its a healthy and stable relationship and we truly love each other. The kids get along great, we’ve even talked about marriage and possibly having another child in the near future which I started really looking forward to since I figured in my single years by the time I got to this point with someone I’d be too old to have any more. The issue I’m having is that when he purchased his house before we met, he asked his mother to move in with him so he could “take care of her” and have help with his son... and because of that, things have been getting more and more uncomfortable.

Firstly, Im not even sure why she needs to be taken care of so badly (which he keeps mentioning) because she isn’t elderly and has no serious mental or physical issues other than she would probably be lonely on her own and hates leaving the house. She also has admitted to having OCD about things (which is another issue with having kids around). But I understood why he wanted her there at the time. She is really close with him and also basically the primary caregiver for his son since he works so much. Its gotten to the point where his son insists she be the one to do regular parenting things like bath time, and bed time in lieu of him even when he’s there, and shes the one who disciplines and teaches. That concept is kind of sweet in a way but I really don’t know if it’s healthy for him to not have more parental responsibility with his own son. I didn’t grow up in a normal situation and have no real idea what a grandparent role typically involves.

Anyways, up until recently we were kind of toying with the idea of living together which evolved to us coming over and staying at his house most nights of the week (mine is too small for all of us and he likes to be home work nights). We’d begun to develop a bit of a routine and make plans, just seeing how merging households would work. He’d casually brought it up to his mom and said she didnt seem to mind and it was his decision when to have us over. But It started to get awkward because his mom began to complain about my kids doing typical kid things that bothered neither of us such as making too much noise, going in her grandsons room to play, taking toys out that she didn’t want out at the moment etc and she just seemed upset and picking on things in general when we were over. It felt awkward not knowing what was up with her and I didn’t like that it was more “sleepover” than stable living situation for the kids so I told him he needed to have a serious talk with her about us being there so often, as well as our future plans, to make sure she was ok before we kept doing what we were doing.

So he ended up having the conversation and came back to me basically with “she said no”. He said they had a heart to heart and that she will work on being comfortable with the idea of us living with them eventually, but isn’t ok with it right now because she has a hard time with having that many people in the house.

I didn’t even know what to think. I don’t want to overstep but it feels so bizarre to me. I just feel invasive and uncomfortable in my own relationship now. Even if she “allows” us to move in together under duress in the future, I wouldn’t ever feel totally welcome in a place that would be my home. I told him that but he just says that she will warm up to the idea “someday”.

He even told me he wants to marry me when he can get her on board with things...which honestly I understand wanting your mom to be ok with the idea of you marrying someone, but it feels like he is saying she decides if and when that happens, AND that nothing would be changing even if we get married and start a family. This worries me because I’ve explained to him in depth in the past that I love his family being involved, but that I don’t even like roommates living with me, and that in the long run for it to work Id need us to have our personal space, some privacy, and be able to learn to become a family and manage things on our own, and he said he got that then.

So now, since he works until shortly before the kids go to bed and lives half an hour away, us coming over and not spending the night isn’t a feasible option, so Ive told him that I’ll just see him on weekends. This really only means Friday nights and part of Saturday with my parenting schedule. Its been miserable going from seeing him right after work, having dinner together and talking about our days, feeling like we were becoming a family and really progressing...to just feeling like we’re back to casual “dating” and seeing him once a week and never having the kids see each other.

He said in a few years we can get a bigger house with a separate living area for her and everything will be good and not to worry. But this has put a huge shadow over the entire relationship in my mind. I don’t want to give him ultimatums, or make his mom uncomfortable or angry. I Dont want to get between the bond they have and the routine they have. I feel like a homewrecker in such an awkward way. But I don’t want to lose what we have either, and I admit I can tell I’m slowly losing that feeling of closeness we had and grieving for it. I don’t know if I want this sort of “hang out once a week” relationship for years. Im willing to give it more time, but I don’t see much hope for how anything is going to progress any time soon and I don’t know what to do or say to him or if I even should say anything or just appreciate what I have and not complain.

[butterry]

He’s married to his mum and you and your children will always come second. You can’t have the life you want with this man. He’s never grown up and is so reliant on his mum and her opinions that no relationship will survive this. Find someone better suited to you and don’t invest any more time in someone who will never put you first.

[Jumpingintosummer]

Walk away.

[Confusedandshaken]

Another thread where the mum isn't a problem, it's the son that's the issue. This man sounds like he is a lovely boyfriend but would be a terrible life partner.

He is nominally a parent but in fact acts more like a big brother or uncle letting his mum take his place as parent and primary carer. That's not fair on the mom or the child. They love each other and have clearly bonded but neither of them can be secure in their relationship or even their home.

His actions around you moving in or spending extended periods at his home remind me of a teenager, giving it lots of big talk with his friends when he's out and about but actually needing mum's permission to stay out late or go to the festival or have his gf sleepover. And now something has arisen that he actually doesn't really want to do he is hiding behind the very convenient teenage excuse 'oh I really , really want to, but my mean old mum is stopping me'.

I'm sorry to say it OP but he really isn't that into you. I'm sure he loves you in his own way but not enough to alter his very convenient life style. You can wait around forever but there will always be a reason why he can't fully commit to living with you. The child will be acting out or his mum will be poorly/ clingy. If his mum met a new man and moved out next month his excuse would be that his child was unsettled. Like a married man who won't leave his wife and kids, there will always be a reason why it's not a good time to set up home with you.

[Bibidy]

Ah no chance.

When your post started I thought you were saying you felt guilty for wanting him to move out and leave his mum, it didn't cross my mind for a second she'd actually be living with you as well!

You can't do it, she obviously considers herself number 1. Mother in laws can be hard enough as it is, without them thinking you're trying to take their place because they consider themselves the mother of the house.

I would not move in with him unless she is living elsewhere.

[LadyMargaretBeauforte]

This is NOTHING to do with mummy's boys and apron strings. The Dp and his mum DID try to blend the families. The op has said in her own post that her children were noisy, taking toys out when asked not to and going into the DP's sons room when it looks like the boy did not want them in there. Herein lies the crux of the problem. I do not think Op or others can see the link. The DP's mum is being blamed here and as i said earlier, i feel the DP said that to be diplomatic. He is as much putting , himself and his own child first as well as his mum in what is their own home. Op and her children live one way and the Dp, his mum and the child live another. Different sets of boundaries . I honestly feel if the households were more compatible in terms of "boundaries " shall we say, it would have worked out. The DP and his family tried, it did not work out . They ( and i mean all 3 not just his mum) clearly did not want that dynamic in their home. It is what it is. No one is to blame. Op needs to decide if this relationship as it will be,until the children are older, works for her now.

[VodselForDinner]

This woman is doing you a massive favour and you should be grateful.

She’s shown you that he’s immature, lazy, and isn’t an active parent.

If you have a child together and the mother moves out, you’ll be stuck raising your two children, his son, and the new baby with no support from him.

If you have a child together and the mother stays, you’ll end up with your own two children being miserable, and a new baby that you’re raising with your boyfriend’s mum because he won’t be around to do any of the donkey work.

It’s a ludicrous situation that you’re walking in to.

[PioneerWoman]

You sound lovely. I am sorry but my advice is to walk away, maybe run.

[notthenever]

@MangosteenSoda

Did his mum pay for part of the house, so did they pool their resources to buy? Whether this is the case or not, it’s been her home for a while now and it’s understandable, and entirely predictable, that she’s uncomfortable with such a massive change.

It sounds like he wanted a live in nanny/housekeeper and didn’t want to pay for it tbh. His mum fit the bill nicely and he didn’t think about future complications. Now it’s either going to disadvantage your relationship or disadvantage his mum’s life. If his mum either moves out or moves into an annexe in a new home, he will likely expect you to take over all drudge duties. She will always want to be involved with raising his DS because it sounds like he’s mostly passed the parenting responsibilities to her. That’s all on him.

All of this

[BertramLacey]

Run away. He's got his mum doing his bidding and he is doing what he's told, such is their co-dependency. He's now got you doing what he wants. You go round to his, he doesn't come to you. Everything seems to be on his terms, or on his terms as agreed by his mother. Add in a nice serving of future faking and it's a big No. It won't work and things will not change.

[Theunamedcat]

@LadyMargaretBeauforte

This is NOTHING to do with mummy's boys and apron strings. The Dp and his mum DID try to blend the families. The op has said in her own post that her children were noisy, taking toys out when asked not to and going into the DP's sons room when it looks like the boy did not want them in there. Herein lies the crux of the problem. I do not think Op or others can see the link. The DP's mum is being blamed here and as i said earlier, i feel the DP said that to be diplomatic. He is as much putting , himself and his own child first as well as his mum in what is their own home. Op and her children live one way and the Dp, his mum and the child live another. Different sets of boundaries . I honestly feel if the households were more compatible in terms of "boundaries " shall we say, it would have worked out. The DP and his family tried, it did not work out . They ( and i mean all 3 not just his mum) clearly did not want that dynamic in their home. It is what it is. No one is to blame. Op needs to decide if this relationship as it will be,until the children are older, works for her now.

Granny was uncomfortable with them taking out toys SHE didn't want out nothing was suggested that the grandson was objecting

[Chickychickydodah]

He’s a mummy’s boy and is under the thumb, sorry but unless he grows a pair and puts his foot down with her your together life isn’t happening .

[VodselForDinner]

when he purchased his house before we met, he asked his mother to move in with him so he could “take care of her” and have help with his son

I would put good money down that this wasn’t what happened. I’d love to hear it from his mother’s POV.

Are you sure his mother doesn’t own/part-own the house?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

@Knownscallion, where is his son's mother in all this? Your OP reads as if he has sole custody, why is that?

"he asked his mother to move in with him so he could “take care of her” and have help with his son"
And help he 'needs', to the point that she has become "the primary caregiver for his son since he works so much " (my bolding). After all, he can't be expected to juggle work and family, no! Did his mother move in immediately after he split with his son's mother? One woman moved out, he needed another woman to step in and do all the drudgework because it's beneath him and just too damned busy working. Mummy was available, so he spun the 'so I can take care of you' line. Please correct me if I'm wrong, I'd really like to be wrong here.

The only alternative I can think of is that she does have mental health issues (you mentioned OCD) that he has not disclosed to you (for her privacy) and he did want to take care of her, to ensure she didn't spiral downwards. He could then have (as many adults do) reverted to 'son/child' rather than 'father/adult' as his mum behaved like his caring mum and gradually started to take over the domestic sphere to fill the vacuum left by his abdication of responsibility; until they reached this point where he has totally stepped back from being a father and an independent adult.

I'm incline to think the first scenario is more likely than the second. Partly I'm nudged that way by your comment "he likes to be home work nights" - what about what you like and how it works for your employment?

Either way does not bode well for any relationship he has with any woman other than his mother.

"He even told me he wants to marry me" - that's called 'dangling a carrot. He wants you to stick around, but don't fool yourself that he wants any change in his domestic arrangements. He gets looked after, his son gets looked after with minimal input from him, he can work long hours unimpeded by any shouldering of his parental responsibilities - why would he rock that boat? To be absolutely brutal (sorry) you are less his intended and more his 'backup' - should anything happen to his mother (she gets her own life, or dies, or in some way malfunctions as the domestic appliance he regards her as) he has you waiting in the wings, willing to move in permanently and seamlessly assume the domestic duties currently provided by his mother. And remember, he only wants to marry you "when he can get her on board with things" - which you already know means never (or on her death).

I know you say you love him. I think you need to consider that sometimes, love is not enough. Not nearly enough. You could just step back your relationship to a weekly Friday night date, but I really don't see how this could make you happy. Also - and I think this is important - keeping him on the scene will very effectively cock-block you. I will prevent you from looking and finding another relationship with a man who is actually available - you must surely see that this man is simply not available for an adult equal relationship?

I really feel you should end this relationship. Otherwise, you will remain stuck in limbo indefinitely, with a half-relationship with, frankly, a half-man. That's no life at all.

[OnePostPony]

Everything has to fit round him and his work, doesn't it?

Even without his Mum, your week visits, the fact that you go to his...all round his work.

His Mum moved in, because of his work (partially). He has abdicated all his parenting tasks to his Mum, and will not expect to take them on if you move in and Mum moves out.

If you have another baby he will expect his Mum to do his share of looking after it, even if she lives in the fantasy annex.

I can see that even if he was a normal, caring father and partner, he would now be in difficulty having asked his Mum to live with him - he has actually put her in a vulnerable position. What happened to her home? Turfing her out now would be a hard thing to do, and she obviously does have some MH issues. Serious issues if she has actual diagnosed OCD.

Sadly he has put himself out of the running as a live-in partner.

This must be painful, OP, but at what stage did you think that this could ever work? Don't let fear of getting old without a man or another baby lead you into a situation that would be horrible for your children.

You can't possibly take your children to live with his mother. Poor kids!

[Jellybabiesforbreakfast]

It sounds like he wanted a live in nanny/housekeeper and didn’t want to pay for it tbh. His mum fit the bill nicely and he didn’t think about future complications. Now it’s either going to disadvantage your relationship or disadvantage his mum’s life. If his mum either moves out or moves into an annexe in a new home, he will likely expect you to take over all drudge duties. She will always want to be involved with raising his DS because it sounds like he’s mostly passed the parenting responsibilities to her. That’s all on him.

Agree. He's hardly going to want to go from having a full-time unpaid nanny/housekeeper to both working and doing his share of the chores and childcare.

So your options are:

(i) have his mum continue to live with you to do his drudge work. I can't begin to see how that works when you're living in the same house and actually trying to care for your children and do your own chores at the same time. I imagine it will lead to endless resentment over using the kitchen and washing-machine etc. and who should be cleaning the bathrooms.

(ii) move his mum out. Potentially unfair on her and he'll be resentful to have lost 'the help'. You'll be expected to take on her duties and to be forever grateful (and guilty) that he 'chose' you over his mum.

[notthenever]

Lets not forget his child in this. The grandmother, in reality, is the mother to that child. He will have a bond with her exactly as if she is his mother. Which means the mother can't just be shunted out and you move in without causing him great emotional harm, and great resentment of you.

And as others have said, I can see why having his mum there to take on childcare/ domestic burden whilst he worked so hard seemed a good idea, but the long term implications of that were not really thought through.

Unless you want to move into THEIR household and adapt to their/ his mum's way of doing things, then just walk away. This set up has disaster written all over it for everyone, including the children.

[EL8888]

This reminds me of when my brother would ask my mum if he could go out to play -he was in primary school at the time. Why does he let his mother call the shots so much?! It’s his house and he is old enough to decide what how he spends his time and who he has at the house. He either sorts this whole mess ASAP or l would go your separate ways. It’s not healthy

[2389Champ]

Purely out of interest, do you know why his previous relationship didn’t work out?
I was once married to a ‘mummy’s boy’ At first, I thought it was a positive sign; if he’s close to to his mother, he must be a kind, caring man who respects women surely?

Wrong! She always came first in everything. He would drop plans and arrangements because she ‘sounded down’ and she knew it. She would manipulate his emotions by saying things like, “If something happened to me, would you care?” Which instantly reeled him in and made him work even harder to ‘prove’ his love. She felt it gave her the right to comment on everything in our relationship - even how I dressed. After I left, I discovered he had even discussed our sex life with her! 😳

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

You’ve got yourself a mummy’s boy. He has never really grown up. I would honestly run for the hills. The fact that she even has a say who he lives with or doesn’t live with - a man in his 30s - is absurd

Yet again the very first answer nails it
In effect he's already married (to his mother) and all the nonsense about her "coming round to it one day" simply isn't going to happen - why would it, when the status quo suits them both just fine?

[LadyMargaretBeauforte]

"@Theunamedcat Granny was uncomfortable with them taking out toys SHE didn't want out "

Yes, so Granny said no. That should have been respected.

"nothing was suggested that the grandson was objecting"

The op said Granny complained her children were going in grandsons room. Perhaps grandson told Granny he wasn't happy about that? Either way, kids were told not to go in there but clearly continued to do so.

This is what i mean about boundaries. The OP's children do not need to have free reign and do what they like at the expense of everyone else living there. I have told my own children over the years when not to take a certain toy out and i expected that to be the final word and it was. Also, when one of my boys did not want their brother in their room , i made sure that was respected.

For them all to have lived together there had to be respect for boundaries , for everyones boundaries and for what Granny has said. Granny, the DP and the DS clearly tried it and did not like it.

[ihtwsf]

Oh hell no.
Things that spring out:

1. She does the majority of the childcare. That's what awaits you if you have a child with him. You'll be doing the vast majority of the childcare and household tasks because he is "working so hard" at his "very important man job".
   
   
2. he likes to be home work nights So you and your two children have to trek over to his place with whatever stuff you need for those days just because he likes to be at home on work nights. What about your kids? They should be at home in their own home on school nights with their belongings so they can do what they like without having to tread on eggshells because of his mother
   It's all about his wants and not about yours.
   
   
3. I'd like to bet the mother and your DP own the property jointly. There is no way in hell this situation is going to change any time soon. He's already suggested that you wait until you can buy a bigger house with separate living area. That could take years until you could afford a property. She won't like being moved into a granny flat anyway - I can guarantee you that...
   
   
4. He's future faking. It's all utter bullshit. None of this is ever going to happen. The Mum has said you can't move in there with him so unless he moves out and in with you then you can't live together. And there is not a hope in hell that he will move out of his Mum's. He has a really cosy life there - he works, she cares for his kid, he presumably gets his laundry done, she cooks, cleans etcetc. Meanwhile he can do whatever he likes - go out with friends, shag see his girlfriend, etc. He's living the life of riley with no responsibilities.
   Hell will freeze over before he moves in with you and starts behaving like a proper, responsible adult. Manchild.
   
   After my previous experience with my ex I have now made a rule that I will never begin a relationship ever again with someone who still lives with their mum. Maybe I might be missing out on some really nice guys by saying this but I would say that most of the time if some bloke is mid-30s and still living with his mum there's an issue there of some description. I can't be bothered to find out what it might be or to make excuses for why some pooooor guy has to live with his mum at that age.

[CherryDocsInYrBalls]

He has abdicated his parental responsibility to his mum which is piss poor parenting on his behalf and he wants you on the side because the one thing she can't provide is the sexual side of a relationship. That's what you're there for, you should tell him I don't fucking think so and find someone who is functioning and healthy, or find happiness and fulfillment in being single, which is better than the scraps this specimen is offering you.

[Lorw]

I would say end the relationship. This can never go well. She is basically the one in control of your future as it stands holding him by strings. Sorry OP but please don’t bring your children into that mess, can you even imagine . The relationship is likely to fizzle out anyways since you have gone backwards (going from seeing him every day to once a week) so really you will eventually not care about him being around, you deserve better than a man like that.

[BrilliantBetty]

It's just never going to be good.

She will be right there in the middle of your relationship forever. And that's not what you want.
It will only get worse as she gets older and eventually actually needs help. You'll no doubt be expected to care for her.

Just leave it. You'll be happier away from this relationship in the long run. Might as well call it a day and hope to find someone more suitable.

[ihtwsf]

even if she lives in the fantasy annex

Fantasy annex made me laugh