Feeling like a homewrecker because his mom lives with him

[Knownscallion]

Long venting and I'm new- I’m so sorry! But if anyone wants to read this whole novel I really REALLY need advice on how to move forward. Me and my boyfriend are both in our 30s and both have kids from previous relationships (he has 1, I have 2) Everything was going great, its a healthy and stable relationship and we truly love each other. The kids get along great, we’ve even talked about marriage and possibly having another child in the near future which I started really looking forward to since I figured in my single years by the time I got to this point with someone I’d be too old to have any more. The issue I’m having is that when he purchased his house before we met, he asked his mother to move in with him so he could “take care of her” and have help with his son... and because of that, things have been getting more and more uncomfortable.

Firstly, Im not even sure why she needs to be taken care of so badly (which he keeps mentioning) because she isn’t elderly and has no serious mental or physical issues other than she would probably be lonely on her own and hates leaving the house. She also has admitted to having OCD about things (which is another issue with having kids around). But I understood why he wanted her there at the time. She is really close with him and also basically the primary caregiver for his son since he works so much. Its gotten to the point where his son insists she be the one to do regular parenting things like bath time, and bed time in lieu of him even when he’s there, and shes the one who disciplines and teaches. That concept is kind of sweet in a way but I really don’t know if it’s healthy for him to not have more parental responsibility with his own son. I didn’t grow up in a normal situation and have no real idea what a grandparent role typically involves.

Anyways, up until recently we were kind of toying with the idea of living together which evolved to us coming over and staying at his house most nights of the week (mine is too small for all of us and he likes to be home work nights). We’d begun to develop a bit of a routine and make plans, just seeing how merging households would work. He’d casually brought it up to his mom and said she didnt seem to mind and it was his decision when to have us over. But It started to get awkward because his mom began to complain about my kids doing typical kid things that bothered neither of us such as making too much noise, going in her grandsons room to play, taking toys out that she didn’t want out at the moment etc and she just seemed upset and picking on things in general when we were over. It felt awkward not knowing what was up with her and I didn’t like that it was more “sleepover” than stable living situation for the kids so I told him he needed to have a serious talk with her about us being there so often, as well as our future plans, to make sure she was ok before we kept doing what we were doing.

So he ended up having the conversation and came back to me basically with “she said no”. He said they had a heart to heart and that she will work on being comfortable with the idea of us living with them eventually, but isn’t ok with it right now because she has a hard time with having that many people in the house.

I didn’t even know what to think. I don’t want to overstep but it feels so bizarre to me. I just feel invasive and uncomfortable in my own relationship now. Even if she “allows” us to move in together under duress in the future, I wouldn’t ever feel totally welcome in a place that would be my home. I told him that but he just says that she will warm up to the idea “someday”.

He even told me he wants to marry me when he can get her on board with things...which honestly I understand wanting your mom to be ok with the idea of you marrying someone, but it feels like he is saying she decides if and when that happens, AND that nothing would be changing even if we get married and start a family. This worries me because I’ve explained to him in depth in the past that I love his family being involved, but that I don’t even like roommates living with me, and that in the long run for it to work Id need us to have our personal space, some privacy, and be able to learn to become a family and manage things on our own, and he said he got that then.

So now, since he works until shortly before the kids go to bed and lives half an hour away, us coming over and not spending the night isn’t a feasible option, so Ive told him that I’ll just see him on weekends. This really only means Friday nights and part of Saturday with my parenting schedule. Its been miserable going from seeing him right after work, having dinner together and talking about our days, feeling like we were becoming a family and really progressing...to just feeling like we’re back to casual “dating” and seeing him once a week and never having the kids see each other.

He said in a few years we can get a bigger house with a separate living area for her and everything will be good and not to worry. But this has put a huge shadow over the entire relationship in my mind. I don’t want to give him ultimatums, or make his mom uncomfortable or angry. I Dont want to get between the bond they have and the routine they have. I feel like a homewrecker in such an awkward way. But I don’t want to lose what we have either, and I admit I can tell I’m slowly losing that feeling of closeness we had and grieving for it. I don’t know if I want this sort of “hang out once a week” relationship for years. Im willing to give it more time, but I don’t see much hope for how anything is going to progress any time soon and I don’t know what to do or say to him or if I even should say anything or just appreciate what I have and not complain.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

You need to move on from this man, and you don't need to have a child with every partner you're with.

[ihtwsf]

Just to add - I can see it from the Mum's point of view too. She moves in with her son (one or both of them bought the property...). She enjoys caring for her grandchild. Son gets new gf and then the gf and 2 children start staying over several nights a week. It doesn't work for her at all so she's perfectly entitled to say so.
The issue is with him. She's said she doesn't want OP and the kids moving in so he now needs to decide what he does with this information. I think he's leading OP up the garden path though with his future faking nonsense.

[Laiste]

His mum's the wife - you're the mistress OP.

That's not going to change. Sorry Don't waste any more years on this.

[SpinachAndMushroom]

God no, he’s married to his mum and there’s not going to be a divorce, you’ll be he other woman forever.

[SamW98]

OP - I had a similar situation with my ex but my issue was his 30 year old daughter who lived with him. She said no to me moving in. She didn't want anyone else but them.

I felt like he was married to her and I was the other woman. These situations can never work as you will never be their priority

[theleafandnotthetree]

@SamW98

OP - I had a similar situation with my ex but my issue was his 30 year old daughter who lived with him. She said no to me moving in. She didn't want anyone else but them.

I felt like he was married to her and I was the other woman. These situations can never work as you will never be their priority

Apalling for you, and doing the daughter no favours either. How the hell do people get themselves into these kind of dynamics? (Your ex and his daughter I mean). It's beyond me.

[huuskymam]

I'd let the relationship fizzle out. His mother will always be his priority. Every arrangement will have to be Vetoed by her. You'll never have the house or family you want with her ruling the roost.

[PizzaCrust]

This is a huge no for me.

Honestly, pack it in. You’ll always be second fiddle to his mum and I genuinely can’t think of a worse situation than living with someone’s mum at the age of 30. I’d honestly take a shed over it as long as I had my privacy.

[Eddielzzard]

He is still in child mode asking his mum for permission to have a friend over for a play date. Exacerbated by her parenting his child. It's working well for them and she's going to do everything she can to keep the status quo. Why would she want you moving into her space, with your DC, taking her DS' attention? She's not going to give up without a fight.

He feels a huge sense of obligation to her I'm sure, taking 'care' of her and her giving him the huge amount of support of housekeeper, nanny, emotional backup. How on earth can he go against her?

I'm sorry, I think this relationship is doomed to Friday nights only.

[LadyMargaretBeauforte]

@ihtw i agree with you. When he said " in a few years we can get a bigger house with a separate living area for her and everything will be good and not to worry".
I suspect he means when the children are older, more like independent teenagers and when Granny will have her own separate independent space, her own peace and quiet , be less involved with the day to day of his child and reclaiming some of her own independence/life back. Granny is clearly in the picture for the rest of her life which suggests to me that she has a financial interest and has possibly stepped up when her son and grandson needed her. She may herself have not wanted or planned to be where she is now. We don't know.

I think the DP should now be totally honest with the op about why his family do not want to blend with hers . It looks to me like he wants it to happen but, when there are effectively no young children in the equation and the dynamic is totally different. His work is also a factor here. Op needs to decide if this is what she wants.

[memberofthewedding]

My grandmother always used to say that your not really a mature adult until you leave your parents home and live independently. I married a mummys boy like yours and lived to regret it. We divorced by mutual consent 2 years later.

This man is not an adult and sounds like he is never going to be. Likely his relationship with the mother of his children broke up as a result of his lack of maturity.

[Derbee]

He’s a mummy’s boy with a strange codependent relationship set up.
YOU WILL NEVER WIN THIS.

May as well end it, and look for someone who is actually available for an adult relationship

[Thelnebriati]

How do you know his Mum said 'no', did she say it to you herself?

[starfishmummy]

OP seems to have vanished

[Branleuse]

i cant think of anybody that would be ok with this set up. you and your kids will always be outsiders to his unit

[Mummyoflittledragon]

@ihtwsf

Oh hell no.
Things that spring out:
1) She does the majority of the childcare. That's what awaits you if you have a child with him. You'll be doing the vast majority of the childcare and household tasks because he is "working so hard" at his "very important man job".

2) he likes to be home work nights So you and your two children have to trek over to his place with whatever stuff you need for those days just because he likes to be at home on work nights. What about your kids? They should be at home in their own home on school nights with their belongings so they can do what they like without having to tread on eggshells because of his mother
It's all about his wants and not about yours.

3) I'd like to bet the mother and your DP own the property jointly. There is no way in hell this situation is going to change any time soon. He's already suggested that you wait until you can buy a bigger house with separate living area. That could take years until you could afford a property. She won't like being moved into a granny flat anyway - I can guarantee you that...

4) He's future faking. It's all utter bullshit. None of this is ever going to happen. The Mum has said you can't move in there with him so unless he moves out and in with you then you can't live together. And there is not a hope in hell that he will move out of his Mum's. He has a really cosy life there - he works, she cares for his kid, he presumably gets his laundry done, she cooks, cleans etcetc. Meanwhile he can do whatever he likes - go out with friends, shag see his girlfriend, etc. He's living the life of riley with no responsibilities.
Hell will freeze over before he moves in with you and starts behaving like a proper, responsible adult. Manchild.

After my previous experience with my ex I have now made a rule that I will never begin a relationship ever again with someone who still lives with their mum. Maybe I might be missing out on some really nice guys by saying this but I would say that most of the time if some bloke is mid-30s and still living with his mum there's an issue there of some description. I can't be bothered to find out what it might be or to make excuses for why some pooooor guy has to live with his mum at that age.

This is very astute. I think you should run a country mile.

[Blueskythinking123]

@Knownscallion my DP has done something similar prior to us meeting. He purchased their home with the promise she could remain there financially and stress free. He has no DC and we do not want any together, so we don't have that complication.

I have my own property and he stays with me, I never stay at his house. At the moment I have no plans to live with him permanently, so the situation suits me ok. If in the future we did decide to buy a house it would be in addition to the house his mum lives in.

To be honest I enjoy my independence, my DC and I have a nice home. My DP stays weekends and occasionally in the week. It suits us all at the moment. It's nice having no pressure to move in together, his mum is a good excuse for me.

[2bazookas]

Red flags ;

DP barely parents his own son and has minimal contact with yours ( which you attribute to his working hours) so in effect, his fathering experience is almost zero. All you DO know is that he has no interest in being a hands-on co-parenting Dad to his only son. yet you're thinking of having a child with him? FOUR children with a man who , er, doesn't spend time with one?

Mother has "no significant MH issues" .. apart from agoraphobia and OCD. I'd call that particular combination of MH symptoms , both significant and worrying . From minimal contact you've already realised how hard they are to live with. For her, and for other occupants.

So if he's been playing down to you the impact of such symptoms, I'd wonder why. Deception, or indifference.

In your shoes I'd want to know about Mother's financial stake in their home. Did they buy it together, did she sell a home move in and use the money to buy out his ex's share, are she and her son co-owners? Because if so, no wonder she feels invaded and has the controlling vote on hosting you and the children. No wonder he can't do anything without her agreement. Who is the banker holding the purse strings in that relationship?


What about the childrens needs? Yours barely meet DP.
Granny is his son's main caring relationship; not some disposable hired nanny . You barely even mention how your kids relate to him, or how you get on with his.

[Shoxfordian]

He already has a woman in his life and she’s not you

You’re not going to get what you want from this

[cutebutscary]

He will constantly put his mum and her needs before you and your children's , she clearly has enormous influence in his decisions . If you are happy living like this and knowing you aren't his priority then fine, but if you aren't, then you should cut your losses and move on . As much for your own children's sake as she obviously doesn't want them in the house and that will be a massive problem moving forwards

[FortniteBoysMum]

Time to call it quits. If he can't stand up to mummy for you to move in when it is his house walk away. Otherwise when you eventually do move in and mummy does not like it you and your kids will be out not her and with nowhere to live. I would tell him it's not going to work for you as your kids and you need stability. His not giving you that when his more concerned about his mother. Wouldn't bother with the she goes or I go conversation as this mummy's boy will pick her anyway. He should also man up and parent his own child.

[Babyandpregnant]

It sounds like you might have been told something that isn’t necessarily true. His mum saying ‘no’ doesn’t sound like someone who is living in someone else’s house to be looked after. There is more to this I think. Are you sure it’s his house? Did she contribute financially on an understanding that she lived in it? I don’t think this will work out well for you and your kids.

[TatianaBis]

Enough. If he wants to be in a relationship with his mum that's up to him.

Clearly you cannot be involved.

[njg575]

I don't think he's a complete write off

OP needs to understand that he's known his mum longer and its a good thing he wants to take care of her. Also to have a girlfriend with kids potentially move in will put her nose out of joint espeically if they have finances tied up together in the property. How would you feel if you were in her shoes?

Take your time with this relationship, you never know you might get along with her given time. You may get along better if you let her come to terms with the situation and try things out before making any permanent decisions

[SamW98]

@theleafandnotthetree

She's 30 going on 12 - a totally spoilt brat. And I've since found out that his other daughter and kids now moved in next door

What a lucky escape I had