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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Strange unannounced visit

475 replies

santamarga · 10/06/2021 08:51

Can I ask what you would have done or would do in this situation?

I dropped in unannounced into my husband's place of work (he owns it) with our children as we were in the area and thought it might be nice to pop in. Everything was nice, children having a chat with their dad, and a couple of male colleagues.

Suddenly this woman comes in, strides basically between where we were all standing chatting, and plonks her bag and some papers on DH's desk. The conversation between us all stopped, as I was looking at the woman, waiting for someone to speak.

It suddenly felt really awkward, DH said nothing, just stood there, and the woman was kind of waiting at the desk, as if she had an appointment and just assumed me and the children were customers so was waiting for us to finish.

One of the colleagues said to her something like 'it's a family conference here' in a jokey kind of way.

She then looks up, never once looked at me, looked the children up and down, and asked DS how old he was! When he replied she said 'oh, that's interesting'.

Then she picks up her bag and said something, I don't know what, and proceeds to walk out. It just felt so awkward, and DH said nothing during this.

Apparently she was a rep who had called in unannounced.

Would you have concerns about this?

OP posts:
Mix56 · 18/06/2021 12:36

He lies

KateTheEighth · 18/06/2021 12:42

How long ago did this happen OP?

fairydust11 · 18/06/2021 15:27

Can you try and check his emails and search for the shortened version of the name that was mentioned at the time? Something may come up? Also you mentioned you saw online that she worked at the company he mentioned at the time - show him her image on there (if there is one) or at least the company name - to jog his memory - It would be extremely surprising if he has genuinely forgotten this?! I hope you can get some answers as it doesn’t sound like your husband is inclined to give you any. Good luck.

Lampzade · 18/06/2021 15:30

He’s lying

MrsRockAndRoll · 18/06/2021 22:35

That's very suspicious Thanks

Lemonlady22 · 18/06/2021 23:28

Poor you, he's struck dumb at the time, now he can't remember. He's a liar and not a very good one at that. I would be popping into the office unannounced a lot more frequently and be seeing a solicitor if I were you!

KitNCaboodle · 18/06/2021 23:40

How long ago was it OP? What made you question it now?
I fear you’ll not get to the bottom of this.

MsDogLady · 19/06/2021 03:04

Actually, if the key to this involves some sort of lie about the children’s ages, I would unleash hell on him.

OP, he did involve your children in a lie and this woman reacted with venom. Together they made a mockery of you, DS and DD. He is now blatantly lying. By acting clueless about her and the incident, he hopes you will drop it. She has been a well-known and commanding presence at the office. He is fooling no one by pretending otherwise.

The incident occurred a good while ago, so he figures he can con you now. Have you done any investigating? I wouldn’t care how long ago it was. I wouldn’t be dropping it and I would be angry.

custardbear · 19/06/2021 03:17

I'd be very suspicious

EmmaGrundyForPM · 19/06/2021 03:32

I hope you're OK.OP.

londonscalling · 19/06/2021 04:40

Just speculating and may be WAY off the mark here ... Could he be having an affair with her and told her he can't leave his family because the kids are younger than what they are?

margasanta · 19/06/2021 14:03

@KitNCaboodle

How long ago was it OP? What made you question it now? I fear you’ll not get to the bottom of this.
I think you could be right in that I may not get to the bottom of this.

Just getting different perspectives has helped though. Before reading replies on the thread, it hadn't occurred to me that she might have been there for lunch. I was concentrating on her over-familiarity, strange questioning, and rapid exit too much to question the reason why she was there.

I just took the explanation that was given to me at the time for her visit. Who knows, maybe it was a regular lunch thing. That would be curious though because he would have known she was due to arrive all the time I was there with DC yet he showed no signs. Maybe the laughing and smiley chat was just a symptom of nervous tension brewing.

I can only imagine how shit I would have felt if the father of my children had brought them in to work to see me as a surprise right at the moment I was waiting for my secret lunch date to arrive.

I have realised that I am a very trusting person and although it may have worked against me I'm still glad that I have that attribute and I hope not to lose it.

A lot of you have done me a favour with your takes on the situation.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 19/06/2021 15:29

Have you told him outright that you don't believe him? Normally I'd give benefit of the doubt etc but it just seems SO weird!

seanceinterrupted · 19/06/2021 18:50

I think you might have accidentally outed another name there, OP. Sorry you're going through this, I really hope it turns out to be nothing.

Whysolong7 · 19/06/2021 19:01

It 100% sounds like the colleague was warning her what was happening with the family conference comment and the age of the children might be about him making out he can’t leave because the kids are small.

I hate to say it as well but you seem very relaxed about the secret lunches it does sound a bit like he is putting his level out there a bit behind your back for anyone who is open to having an affair with him. Anything that is secret from you between your husband and another woman is a bit wrong, isn’t it?

Whysolong7 · 19/06/2021 19:02

*himself out there I mean !

PhillipPhillop · 20/06/2021 00:49

When you turned up did he use his phone at all? I wondered if he messaged her eg. Sorry, can't make lunch, family's arrived. And so she thought she'd stir things up.

LemonLittleLime · 20/06/2021 05:04

Sadly like the others believe, this was his girlfriend.

One of my old bosses, a nice guy ( apart from this, who I considered a friend) had a long time girlfriend, now wife, and he had affairs with every single female rep.

I’m really sorry.

ProfPickles · 21/06/2021 00:04

Have you looked into it anymore OP? Checked any messages, emails, spoke to anyone?

PeridotPenelope · 21/06/2021 07:27

@margasanta

I’m sorry you are going through this. You may not get to the bottom of it but, in any case, you will be watching and listening out for ‘clues’ in the future. The incident has put you on alert.

I agree with you about being a trusting person. You have trusted him. It’s what people in relationships should do. You haven’t been on his back with suspicions since the last lunch dates he had earlier in your relationship. You have been a trusting partner and that’s a good thing. If he breaks that trust then he is a stupid, stupid man.

Think you are right in that mentioning the woman casually to one of his colleagues is a good way of getting more information: ‘Is that ‘Jen’ coming in today….gosh, caused a bit of an atmosphere last time didn’t it? It felt very awkward. What’s the deal with her!’

I’m not ruling out that she’s a bit of a fruitloop though. I’ve worked with a few and the lack of boundaries such as the way she came in and plopped her bag down on your DH’s desk says it all. If your DH was having lunch with her then he needs his head checking. Rep or no rep I wouldn’t be spending more time than was absolutely necessary with someone like that. She sounds awful.

Good luck OP. Look after yourself.

Yearonebesties · 25/12/2021 19:48

@santamarga was randomly thinking about this today op, hope you’re ok! X

santamargalida · 26/12/2021 16:42

My original name is long-gone. I can report back inasmuch as I never did get to the bottom of why she was there nor why she said and acted like she did.
However, there were much bigger problems I later uncovered regarding him with other women which led to me petitioning for divorce. So in the scheme of things it doesn't matter about her anymore. I suspect they were shagging when I was pregnant with DS as that's the most obvious explanation for her strange behaviour.
I would say that I was naively taken in by his ability to charm and compartmentalise - and probably she was as well. I think of him now as a deeply soul-less man, bordering on sociopath.

friskybivalves · 26/12/2021 17:49

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you uncovered about him. What an extraordinary catalyst that impromptu meeting proved to be. I can only imagine that you must have had a hellish time disentangling your joint business and wondering where the loyalties lay. Trust will have been hard to find 😔. I hope you and your DCs had a lovely Christmas and you can look forward to a future without a sociopath in your life.

Allsortsofroses · 26/12/2021 18:19

I thought at the time he was definitely involved with her at some point; the territorial, super comfortable way she was behaving in his office, her pointed questions, his colleagues' behaviour ..... I'm sorry you found out about another affair but I think the only reason you didn't know about that one was lack of evidence and he was always a cheater you had to get rid of.

Teacupsandtoast · 26/12/2021 19:36

Aah I'm sorry OP but yes, dodgy behaviour on his part was the only explanation of that incident. Hope you are doing ok

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