Page 27 | Bastard bingo around the campfire

helplesshopeless · 2021-06-09T09:51:27+00:00

Hi everyone...creating thread number 2 (or at least, attempting to...!) Link to old thread [[https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4211900-does-love-come-back-what-do-i-do here]] If that link doesn't work, I'll be forever indebted to any of you more mumsnet savvy folks helping me out! [grin] I'll come back in a bit to post properly, thank you all again for your help and support [flowers]

AMSA · 05/07/2021 20:00

*but not buy!

Original poster

helplesshopeless · 05/07/2021 20:04

Yes absolutely, thank you. I don't really mind that he's denying it, I think it shows he knows he crossed a line and won't do it again, and that's the main thing.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 05/07/2021 20:11

He's prepared to emotionally abuse your child OP.

I really hope you appreciate that.

This is a guy that you have thought of a decent.

His remark is positively indecent.

QuentinBunbury · 05/07/2021 20:23

He's responded saying he's happy to discuss in person but he doesn't know what I'm talking about and we both know I have hearing issues. hmm so it's clear how he's going to play this...
What a knob.
Please stop making excuses for him. He's gaslighting you and he'll do the same with others around you if you don't tell them what he's like.

FantasticButtocks · 05/07/2021 20:50

@helplesshopeless

Yes absolutely, thank you. I don't really mind that he's denying it, I think it shows he knows he crossed a line and won't do it again, and that's the main thing.

So you don't believe he'll do it that again. Unfortunately you have no control whatsoever about what he says to your dd. He will say and do exactly as he pleases, and deep down you must know that.

He won't say that again, fine. That's what you believe. But he has shown you what he is capable of in scoring points against you, even when it's clearly not in the best interests of your daughter. And - he has already said it! And it cannot be unsaid.

Him saying that to his child is actually worse than any of the other things he's said and done and far worse than you having an affair.

So now, take that final proof of who he really is, roll your sleeves up and know you've made the right decision to end this. There is nothing he can throw at you that is worse than him saying that disgusting thing to a little girl.

FantasticButtocks · 05/07/2021 20:53

I would be beyond livid if anyone spoke to child like that in my hearing.

I hope you find enough anger about this to help you power through and get shot of this horrible fucking loser.

billy1966 · 05/07/2021 21:00

I would be packed and gone OP.

I think you are so numbed by him that you really have no idea what you are dealing with.

Who says something so vile and emotionally abusive to a child?

Someone exactly like your "decent" husband.

I repeat OP, it really doesn't sound like you know him at all or your denial is truly extraordinary.

He treated you like shit for years and now he is prepared to emotionally abuse your child and you are confident it wont happen again.

I really pity your child at this point.
Goodness knows what is ahead for her from him.

He is quite prepared to pour nastiness into her ears, poor little mite.

Tell your parents for goodness sake.

KatySun · 05/07/2021 21:03

The reason he is willing to discuss in person is because then there is no record. If he discussed it by text, there would be a record. So not just gaslighting, but covering his tracks. You say anything to anyone else, it will be ‘he said’, ‘she said’.
I would be very careful here. He steps over the line with you, he has already shown you that he will simply refuse to comment, or deny it and say there is something wrong with you.

Isthisit22 · 05/07/2021 21:03

Oh my god
This is by far the most frustrating thread I've ever read. (Yes I know, I'll not read it after this).
Your husband is an absolute vile scum bag. How can you not see this?you sound lovely and intelligent but you seriously thought you could go away with this animal and have a nice holiday??
Whatever therapy you are getting, you need to double it as I'm not sure you can adequately protect your daughter from emotional abuse at the moment. You are letting him trample on you and your daughter mentally.
Get both of you far away from him and hope to god he loses interest. It's awful to think of what he's going to say to her in the future 😞

KatySun · 05/07/2021 21:06

Can you and DD sleep in a separate room to him?

KatySun · 05/07/2021 21:07

Presuming that packing and leaving at this point is not an option.

Whatdirection · 05/07/2021 21:10

Oh Op. I had such horrible spidery senses about this holiday. I was thinking of all sorts of awful situations but l NEVER imagined him responding like that.

Please. Stop thinking the best of him. Stop thinking he will never do it again. Stop thinking it’s just a knee jerk reaction and then it’s back to normal.

It feels like he’s drugging you with something in your morning coffee.

Quite simply this situation is now a safe guarding situation with your little girl right in the middle of it.

You must do everything you can to protect her. You can do this. I know you can.

Whatdirection · 05/07/2021 21:20

but I know he won't do anything overly unpleasant while we're away as he's focussed on our daughter having a lovely time.

You wrote this on Friday before you left.

From now on base your decisions on the distinct possibility that he is indeed going to be very unpleasant in ways that you could never predict and he will USE your daughter to get at you WITH NO CONCERN as to her well being.

Original poster

helplesshopeless · 05/07/2021 21:31

Thank you all. I think I wasn't expecting us to draw a line under everything definitively while on holiday which is why I thought we could keep it pleasant.

He later came to me and admitted he made a mistake in saying what he did re the 'willy' comment but that he was disgusted that I was trying to document it and then basically spat awful verbal abuse at me. He's twisting everything on WhatsApp.

I'm just going to go into protect daughter mode now (is it ok to split our time with her as I know he'll be happy and fun with her if I'm not there?) I will email the solicitor again tomorrow anyway to get a plan in place.

He's just said to me that he's going to make sure everyone at work knows what a worthless whore I am hopefully once he calms down though he'll think that through and won't do it (he's threatened and subsequently retracted that before...)

OP posts:

Original poster

helplesshopeless · 05/07/2021 21:42

Oh and just to confirm I am sleeping in a separate room with my DD tonight

OP posts:

Original poster

helplesshopeless · 05/07/2021 21:45

I'm hearing you all about not knowing him or what he is capable of. To be honest I'm fairly panicked now at how things are going to play out (not while we're away, just generally in terms of divorce arrangements).

OP posts:

FantasticButtocks · 05/07/2021 21:50

@helplesshopeless

He later came to me and admitted he made a mistake in saying what he did re the 'willy' comment

Yes, but his first response was to gaslight you and pretend he never said it, and that you had hearing problems!!

Next time he says he is only happy to discuss anything in person not by message, you can relate charge and tell him no. No I will not be discussing anything more with you in person, it simply isn't going to happen. And yes I WILL be fucking well documenting your every word from now on. Be assured of that!

FantasticButtocks · 05/07/2021 22:05

@helplesshopeless

He's just said to me that he's going to make sure everyone at work knows what a worthless whore I am hopefully once he calms down though he'll think that through and won't do it (he's threatened and subsequently retracted that before...)

And there again, hopefully once he calms down though, he'll think that through and won't do it
Whether he does it or doesn't do it he is still threatening it! And that is bad enough.
"Hopefully" isn't enough now op.

In fact I'd go so far as to say that you should send him an email or message about that too.

Your threats to me this evening to ensure that everyone at work will know what a worthless whore I am have been noted. Etc

Because this is his Achilles heel. That you might document his behaviour, tell people how bad he really is, get a good solicitor, fleece him etc etc.

Perhaps the threat of you finally calling time and actually revealing to the entire world what a worthless individual he actually is, is what might make him attempt to rein in some of his vile words and behaviour.

FantasticButtocks · 05/07/2021 22:15

@helplesshopeless

I'm fairly panicked now at how things are going to play out (not while we're away, just generally in terms of divorce arrangements).

It's not going to go smoothly that's for sure. But that is probably part of why it's been so difficult to make the decision. Because deep down you know him and you knew he'd make it hell.

So now you need to stop with all the trying to understand him, trying to be fair to him, giving him the benefit of the doubt, trying to be seen by him as reasonable or whatever. Now, you need to be on the offensive in getting the best set up for you and your daughter. No discussion or negotiations about arrangements with him. No more allowing him to be in charge, no trying to make things ok for him. That time has gone.

The answer you can give him to absolutely everything he says is - save it for mediation, I will not be having these discussions with you.

Isthisit22 · 05/07/2021 22:24

[quote FantasticButtocks]@helplesshopeless

He's just said to me that he's going to make sure everyone at work knows what a worthless whore I am hopefully once he calms down though he'll think that through and won't do it (he's threatened and subsequently retracted that before...)

And there again, hopefully once he calms down though, he'll think that through and won't do it
Whether he does it or doesn't do it he is still threatening it! And that is bad enough.
"Hopefully" isn't enough now op.

In fact I'd go so far as to say that you should send him an email or message about that too.

Your threats to me this evening to ensure that everyone at work will know what a worthless whore I am have been noted. Etc

Because this is his Achilles heel. That you might document his behaviour, tell people how bad he really is, get a good solicitor, fleece him etc etc.

Perhaps the threat of you finally calling time and actually revealing to the entire world what a worthless individual he actually is, is what might make him attempt to rein in some of his vile words and behaviour.[/quote]
This is brilliant advice. Please take it.
Stop speaking to him (other than civilly in front of your daughter). Start documenting everything.

Isthisit22 · 05/07/2021 22:28

Glad you're finally waking up.
You cannot make things better by trying to appease him. This was always going to get nasty, because he is nasty. You dragging it out is just giving him more time to prepare and be even nastier.
Get angry!!
Assume the worst about him (rather than the best) and act accordingly.
See it as a job, a battle-plan. Switch into your highly capable work mode.
He is nothing to you now. Work your hardest to get everything you can for you and your daughter.
Sending strength- you can do this!

Original poster

helplesshopeless · 05/07/2021 22:29

Thank you

OP posts:

Cavagirl · 05/07/2021 22:36

@helplesshopeless

Oh and just to confirm I am sleeping in a separate room with my DD tonight

Good. Does he have a key? If he does, seriously think about a chair under the door handle or something. I'm not joking, really OP. Best case you wake up and think - haha what an idiot as if I needed a chair under the door handle. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Can you get a flight back sooner? This is really such an awful environment for all of you to be stuck in. Sending huge hugs and strength

billy1966 · 05/07/2021 22:38

OP,
@FantasticButtocks

Both of the above posts are bang on the money and excellent advice, start emailing him every remark he makes, as duly noted.

Your daughter is desperately in need of protection.

I mean this kindly OP, but for christ sake enough with the deluded denial that he will behave well.

Your daughter deserves better than a mother convincing herself that her utterly vile father is anything other than he is.

You owe her more than this.
This poor child deserves better than you lying to yourself.
You cannot afford to indulge yourself with this nonsense any longer.

Call your parents and tell them what is going on.
Ring your friends.
Tell them what he has said to you and his child.

Thank goodness you can sleep separately.
Lock the door.

Protect you both.
You can do this.

Read @fantastic's advice several times.

QuentinBunbury · 05/07/2021 22:50

Yeah unfortunately it probably is not going to be fun.
BUT you definitely have leverage in that he wants to be seen as "the perfect dad". To do that he has to skirt round being totally unreasonable so he can do a convincing "woe is me"
So he's probably not going to try to get full custody of DD or do a costly court fight.
More likely he's going to just make it almost intolerable for you to be around him so you are forced to move out, which fits his narrative of "you left".

If you can come back you should. Otherwise yes, split the time. But I expect he'll be nice and apologetic tomorrow to get you off guard.

Hang in there. This is the worst bit now. It gets easier when you aren't living together and easier again when the divorce/finances are done.