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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bastard bingo around the campfire

984 replies

helplesshopeless · 09/06/2021 10:51

Hi everyone...creating thread number 2 (or at least, attempting to...!) Link to old thread here

If that link doesn't work, I'll be forever indebted to any of you more mumsnet savvy folks helping me out! Grin

I'll come back in a bit to post properly, thank you all again for your help and support Flowers

OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/07/2021 15:10

@Gerwurtztraminer

Thank you for that.Flowers

Her thread was unbelievable.

I hope her and her girls are well.

Gerwurtztraminer · 03/07/2021 18:40

@Billy1966 Thank you, her threads are an roller coaster, cannot imagine having to actually live it. After your prompt I felt I had to extract out some of the similarities since its probably too long a thread for HH to read herself when she has enough on her plate. X fingers it's all going OK.

Do you sometimes feel you'd like to 'introduce' some posters to each other? Especially the ones with awful people in their lives putting them through hell, as you feel they'd be able to support each other and understand what each other is going through.

billy1966 · 03/07/2021 22:33

I absolutely do.

Just like a colour wheel, all the different twats that are out there.🤣

InkieNecro · 04/07/2021 07:33

He earns more than you, you're entitled to more than 50%. You also have your daughter more than 50% then you're entitled to more because of that too.

My ex husband hit me, bruised me, put his hands on my neck, screamed at me on a daily basis. I still have moments wondering if we could have made it work. I know it could not as he is a monster, but the abuse has conditioned me to remembering all the good times and minimising the bad which is what you are doing.

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 05/07/2021 15:26

Hi everyone, just bobbing in quickly from poolside!!

Thank you for all your messages. You've made me feel better about speaking to a solicitor for advice when I get back.

In other news, we've been having a lovely time. My husband decided though that I've been acting distant since last night (I may well have been, but I don't think so) and told me to 'grow some balls and admit it was over'. So I did. And then he told me I was a whore and to go and walk in front of a car 🙈

The good news is he has messaged me to say to look into arranging a mediator ASAP for when we return as he wants this sorted as soon as possible, so at least i know a mediator will be happening!

OP posts:
peridito · 05/07/2021 15:37

Oh HH ,lots of clarity for you there ,but how distressing to have that nastiness thrown at you .

I do wonder where he gets it from ,upbringing ? friends ,previous relationships ? One things for sure ,being kind and tolerating such a personality defect is not going to help him sort himself out .

Keep strong ,imagine you are in a bubble with your daughter which allows your views and thoughts to come out but which blocks any of this awful stuff from him entering.

QuentinBunbury · 05/07/2021 15:42

Well done for saying its over hh. Such a shame he pushed you into it while you are away. Flowers for you. Hope he manages to rein the insults in for the rest of your holiday Sad

billy1966 · 05/07/2021 16:10

Such an ugly character.

OP, I think it is highly likely, similar to a light switch he will revert to his appalling treatment of you now that his bullying you to forgive him hasn't worked.

Tell your family asap and friends.

You need support.
Do NOT hold back about how badly you have been treatment of you has been.

Remember that is the mother of his child that he is calling a whore and who he has directed to walk in front of a car.

What a deeply nasty, ugly excuse of a man.

You mind yourself OP.
Don't be sad.
This is a good day for you.
Flowers

Mix56 · 05/07/2021 17:00

Wow, he really can't be a decent person can he? He said he just wanted a nice holiday for DD, & now he wants you dead... He backs you into a corner & then gets spiteful when he has a truthful answer. He really is so immature.
Hopefully this time you do not retract.
Agree with him, "You are right, it can't carry on this way & you want it sorted as soon as possible too".
Just agree now, Yes you will find a Mediator asap.....

FoxgloveSummers · 05/07/2021 17:17

I hope you feel safe OP. He’s wishing you harm. I’d be wanting a room of my own with DD or to change my flights secretly and get home ASAP. I know you don’t feel he’s a physical threat, but he’s just as good as told you he wants you dead.

loveyourself2020 · 05/07/2021 17:36

Poor dear, I am so sorry that this is happening. I know you just wanted to have one last holiday as a family for your daughter to remember, but you must have known (I know I have) that he would not be able to hold it in and act normally. How many more days do you have of the holidays? Will you be able to survive it until you are back?

Btw, I have a good news. My STBX is getting that apartment after all. He will be moving on Aug 1. This is hard HH, very hard, but I know it is a move in the right direction. Right now I do not feel happy, not at all, I am still very anxious and stressed, but I know that I have not been happy before either and that once all this is over there is a chance that I will be, happy, once again.

I will be thinking of you. Flowers

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 05/07/2021 17:47

@loveyourself2020 that is wonderful news! One step closer to peace and freedom Flowers

Re my husband, yes I do feel safe. He went straight back into acting like nothing had happened in front of our daughter (minus the odd snide remark) and everything is calm now. The ridiculous thing is, I am still excusing him saying that as I know it was a knee jerk reaction and he felt upset and wouldn't have meant it. I'm not shocked or scared by him saying it. However, I am looking forward to being in a relationship further down the line where I would find that shocking!!

OP posts:
Original poster
helplesshopeless · 05/07/2021 18:09

For goodness' sake. He was just changing in front of our daughter and she said 'I can see your willy!' And he actually said to her 'oh mummy isn't allowed to see it, she wants someone else's willy.' AngryAngry

OP posts:
AMSA · 05/07/2021 18:17

What a petulant child! Unfortunately this immature energy in grown men can be vicious, violent and ugly as your STBX is demonstrating.

Although I am so glad for you to read you are not scared or upset by him anymore do be careful because that is what he wants and has wanted for a long time. It is how he has suppressed your voice and individuality. If he suspects he has thoroughly lost that control he will ramp up, as he is already with such vile comments and in front of your daughter, tread carefully for your safety.

I am so pleased you will be out of this dynamic despite the fact that too will be a journey.

Sending you strength and courage.

Cavagirl · 05/07/2021 18:21

What's your bedroom situation OP?

I know you keep thinking the best of him, but as I've said before, I think you need to hope for the best, but plan and be ready for the absolute worst. And he's clearly extremely jealous and angry at having lost control of you, in his mind, having been outcompeted by OM. So he will not be on his best behaviour in the slightest.

Is there somewhere away from him you can sleep if he starts pestering you?

SpringCrocus · 05/07/2021 18:38

That is child abuse. Vile man. Please, get you and your DD into a separate, lockable room.

loveyourself2020 · 05/07/2021 18:43

@helplesshopeless

For goodness' sake. He was just changing in front of our daughter and she said 'I can see your willy!' And he actually said to her 'oh mummy isn't allowed to see it, she wants someone else's willy.' AngryAngry
Oh HH I am so sorry, I know that as mothers we can take anything at all as long as it does not involve our kids, but once it does it is a whole different story. I cannot believe that he would say something like that to her, I mean you are trying so hard to keep her safe from all that is happening between you guys and he goes straight at her.

It is like when I told my kids we were separating and my youngest one was upset, my STBX took her for a walk and I mean who knows what else he told her, but he told her that he also is surprised and does not really know why we are separating??!!?? I mean no matter how he feels about all this he should have tried to help her understand and deal with it. By saying that he also has no idea, he only made it worse. Selfish, that is what they are, these men.

FantasticButtocks · 05/07/2021 18:45

@helplesshopeless

For goodness' sake. He was just changing in front of our daughter and she said 'I can see your willy!' And he actually said to her 'oh mummy isn't allowed to see it, she wants someone else's willy.' AngryAngry

I am truly shocked by that Shock

SpringCrocus · 05/07/2021 18:52

Did he kick off last night because your "distance" was about him pressing for intimacy? Because I can imagine he thought he'd be getting some, while on holiday despite all the times that you have said no to him?

FantasticButtocks · 05/07/2021 18:53

@helplesshopeless

After that disgusting and disgraceful comment to your dd by her own father, I do hope you are done now with feeling sorry for him and justifying his every nastiness.

Do not discuss the divorce arrangements with him whatsoever! No more mrs nice lady.

His own interests are what he cares about over and above what is best for your daughter.

He has shown you who he truly, truly is with that revolting comment. When telling yourself what a good dad he is and how he doesn't mean this or has a good excuse for that, remember that he said that to your little girl. Sad

FFS Angry

billy1966 · 05/07/2021 18:59

Oh my goodness, that is so vulgar and shocking.

What an ugly man.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.

Be very wary of a man who is capable of speaking to a child like that.

Grrrpredictivetex · 05/07/2021 19:11

@hh as others have said previously please have a plan B for escaping from this holiday. Hopefully it won't need to be used but for me his behaviour is escalating. Maybe he thinks as you're away in a foreign country you don't have options. Please make sure you do.

KatySun · 05/07/2021 19:14

I hope you pulled him up on the comment as totally inappropriate.
Firstly, he should have made sure he was covered up and secondly, the correct response when your Dd mentioned it would have been to say, oh sorry, and covered up.
You really do need to step up here and put your foot down that he never, ever speaks to your DD about adult sexual matters again. She is a child and it is inappropriate. If she comes out with any version of this to anyone outside your family, it could be misconstrued. He has turned nakedness, which some families are fine with, into something sexual in front of a three year old, which is not fine in any family.
He has a parental responsibility to teach your DD appropriate boundaries and therefore he needs to be able to maintain them himself. Which means no sexual talk in front of her, FFS.

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 05/07/2021 19:28

I shut it down swiftly at the time and we've been with our daughter constantly since then. He's just gone back to the room and I sent him a message saying how despicable and out of order it was and to never ever say anything like that again to or in front of her. He's responded saying he's happy to discuss in person but he doesn't know what I'm talking about and we both know I have hearing issues. Hmm so it's clear how he's going to play this...

OP posts:
AMSA · 05/07/2021 20:00

He's a child. Being a grown up is owning up and engaging with the right choices.
Gaslighting you over this is just petulant.

It is fine to make mistakes (within reason) we all do but how we hold ourselves accountable to them is the real measure of character, in my humble opinion.

You don't need to get into a battle over truth with him, you just need to make it very clear to him that your roles towards your daughter are to support her, keep her safe and role model respect for each other and for anyone who may be in each of your lives later down the line.
It really may be worth reading up on how to handle narcissists, it generally involves manipulating their own sense of ego to your advantage.

E.g. I know you are a great father and therefore you never want your daughter to feel uncomfortable about how you speak about me or others.

It may irritate you massively buy may be the safest and most effective way of achieving your objective until you are free from having to manage him and his moods.