@whatdirection -Thank you for the ‘I cannot act as…’ list. You are of course correct, and those statements are untrue, at least for a majority of the time (e.g. I think sometimes he does do things that shows that he truly cares, sometimes he does acknowledge my needs etc…but nothing is consistent with him). And that does help give me some clarity.
I keep wondering to myself if at some point in future, when potentially in a healthy relationship with someone else, I’ll look back at this time and realise how badly I’ve been treated. As at this point, I just accept him getting angry because my eyes watered a bit/accept him saying he thought it was pathetic. That is all fairly mild and inoffensive stuff from him. I keep switching between accepting that, but then also standing back and remembering that Michelin star meal I wanted and mentioned in the first thread (i.e. the super high standards that he wont ever meet).
Oh and FWIW I think the counsellor probably looked like a rabbit in the headlights because your H was being scary and she wasn't expecting it. Maybe next week will be illuminating.
Yes, she did look scared to be honest. She said at the end of the session that we always make her sweat - which surprised me because surely she’s used to dealing with conflict?! But maybe it’s indicative of how she experiences him when he gets angry.
To comment on this rationally rather than just with a rude word or two ... some people react to stress by crying, some react to stress by snapping. Within limits, both are normal human reactions. You don't sound like you're crying an abnormal amount for this level of stress (I would guess you're quite reserved?). His temper, on the other hand, sounds like it goes well beyond acceptable limits.
Yes, absolutely. The problem with him is that when he is short and/or snaps, he has this really horribly angry (and actually quite aggressive) look on his face. And that’s just how his face is (he’s a bit of a ‘resting grump face’ kind of person, so when he’s actually irritated he looks far worse!) and I’ve never gotten used to that. So while I accept he is allowed to be grumpy and snap now and then, the experience is always more unpleasant than it should be. But no, I definitely am not wailing over things! At absolute most, my eyes water a bit and my voice wobbles slightly. This absolutely infuriates him and always makes him even more angry.
So you are pathetic if you can't 'handle' him snapping at you?
But if he can't handle you minding it and crying about it, he's not pathetic?
Is it only your emotions and reactions that are invalid?
Yes, all of his reactions come down to the fact that he is dealing with incredible hurt and anxiety over what I did. But any of my reactions are pathetic or dramatic or focussing on the negatives… 
To those who said that you do not call someone you love ‘pathetic’ - I agree. I would absolutely never say anything like that to him (or anyone else), and he would find it deeply hurtful if I did. But after everything, that is really water off a duck’s back for me.
I think I'm desperately trying to discern who is right and wrong in each of our discussions to verify my feelings
Is this what you mean by clarity? Working out whether you are "right"?
Or does/could clarity mean something else?
I think the discernment around who is right and wrong feeds into whether my feelings are/should be valid, which in turn would help me get some clarity on what my next step/decision should be. If I could finally listen to my feelings, without all of the doubts and confusion flying around, then I think the clarity would follow, as least as far as it is able to.
however, I have a feeling OP that you just can't take the idea seriously. It's brewing in you, but it needs more time, and only you know how long you consider "sensible." It might never come to anything. Or it might, in another 10 years' time, or perhaps later still, e.g. when your daughter has left home. Or maybe never!
@alcemeg, this really does feel like I’m staring down a black hole imagining wasting 10 years of my life like this (unless, miraculously, the love does reappear!). It’s not that things would be terrible all of the time or even that often, I think things could be content or fine for a large chunk. But disputes would rear their head now and then and I’d always think I wish I’d drawn the line under it when I had the chance. And I know that (maybe that is my clarity?!), yet it’s still not enough to push me to act....yet!
@cavagirl, I’ve been reluctant to mention this on here, but since you have asked…! I have stopped my individual therapy I’m afraid. Partly because I felt like she couldn’t help me any further (she seemed to have ran out of things to explore with me…) but also partly because my husband had been talking a lot about how he thought my therapy wasn’t helping me and it was making me focus on the negative history, and he wanted me to be positive with him about the future. It was causing issues with him and I took the conscious decision to sacrifice the therapy to try and maximise the ‘calm’ from him. He did say he didn’t want me to stop if I felt it was helping me, but I still felt very pressured and in the end continuing with it just wasn’t worth the hassle. 
In terms of what ‘having clarity’ actually means – I suppose it’s feeling strong and certain enough in my decision to be able to see it through, with everything that it brings, knowing that I am not acting rashly.
Out of interest - given all you've said lately about wishing you'd started to tackle your H's behaviour prior to your affair, and knowing deep down your marriage wouldn't last for life - did your feel the same level of clarity you're aspiring to in order to leave at the point at which you married? Did you have that level of clarity that marrying him was the right thing for you?
I am probably being a bit dense but I don’t follow the rationale of this question and feel like I’m about to fall into a trap in answering . I think I had clarity that I knew he had a side I didn’t like, but I thought that I could handle it and, when balancing everything up, I still wanted to marry him. Obviously the side I disliked became more prevalent and more toxic, and now I’ve seen that (and also after seeing what a healthy relationship would look like) I’m not happy to go back to a ‘balancing everything up’ kind of arrangement in deciding whether to stay…not sure if that makes sense or not!
I am pretty sure that his "fairness" involves presenting your side too, perhaps with a little hint of a sneer, just enough for you to remember that your [actually, to us, intelligent and sensible] rational arguments, and your [actually, to us, 100% valid] feelings, are nothing but bum fluff. Then he weighs in with the stuff that really matters (his logic, his feelings).
Hmm, yes…I do sometimes sit listening to him explain my side, and he says it so logically and calmly that I feel like my reaction or interpretation of whatever he is describing was over the top. It actually almost sometimes feels like I’m his child or toy, that he is dictating the storyline to (and that feels grossly unfair to say, as I know from his perspective he will be trying to be fair in his presentation, but it does make me feel like that).
@iknowimcoming – thanks for delurking! yes, I agree a trial separation would be what is really needed here. Unfortunately when I’ve suggested it previously he’s said he doesn’t see how it would help things, plus he’d be unwilling to move out (and I am also unwilling to do that as I will not leave my daughter for more than one night). So we never get anywhere with those discussions.
Thank you everyone for sticking with me...I know I am incredibly frustrating and behaving like I'm not listening to any of you at all. But honestly, you are really helping me wade through this! 