I need to leave

[Everydayisawindingroad]

Married with DC and I hate to say this but I’m now utterly repulsed by him due to his ongoing abuse and treatment of me. I’m not in an immediate danger but I do need to escape before it destroys me and further damages the DC. Hoping for a handhold as I navigate this new chapter. I’m utterly petrified as I feel I’m just about to jump into the deep end of a pool unable to swim but deep down I know I need to do it.

@Everydayisawindingroad my DH was exactly the same, he never thought I would or even could end it. My DH said recently he hadn’t realised how his anger and mean words had affected me. I told him I had no love anymore for him. I used to love him so much, but not anymore.
Can you maybe begin by saying that to him? Or can you suggest counselling to him?

@purplepeony10 I can’t communicate with him about it unfortunately as he’s just too defensive to have an adult conversation with. Unfortunately, marriage counselling is not advisable in cases where there is abuse involved.
Had a lovely catchup with a friend over lunch and a glass of wine. Was nice to get out of the house for a bit.

@Everydayisawindingroad I know this is a long way off for you, but if you formally separate you will have to go to mediation and agree how to divide things up. That will be based on what people need and not what they want or even (surprisingly) whose 'fault' it is. So if he wants to stay, he will have to buy you out. If (no, WHEN) you move out, it's worth making sure he understands that that is the end game. If he can't afford to buy you out, the house will have to be sold and you will have some security.

I know you don't feel ready to show your hand yet, but you might be surprised at his reaction when you do. He can't be happy either.

My over-riding feeling having told the DC is 'why did I not do this sooner' . I have a LOT of regret about that right now. Unlike you, I had the means to do it sooner, but I thought I was doing the right thing. I let myself be swayed by people who said children are damaged by break-ups - including the useless relate councillor we saw. But all I've done is deprive my DC of a happy home. Feel pretty bad about that now.

Totally in agreement with @camouflagejacket yes , they are also caught up in it and not happy. When I tried to suggest counselling last year to my DH he was exactly the same, he went on the defensive and thought I was trying to get one over him. He accused me at the time of threatening him. Now he looks back and says he so regrets that.
Over the last two weeks he has totally changed (bit too fast) and he has said he will never get angry at me again. I’m not rushing back to him, we still need time apart.
In a really quiet moment can you gently and sounding reasonable suggest that the marriage is not working. This isn’t how couples should be.
Second night without him and my youngest DC who is a teen, is in a bit of a bad place. She understands but it doesn’t stop her crying or being angry at me. She doesn’t want to lash out, but by not doing she’s keeping it all inside. I don’t know what to do or say. She’s wearing her dads shirt all the time.

So sorry your youngest is in a bad place @purplepeony10 . Still, If she's the sort who wears her heart on her sleeve at least you know what you are dealing with. Early days, stay strong xx

Thank you @camouflagejacket , how are you doing?
There is one good thing as well as the relief, you do start thinking better and clearer. Even though there is sadness, I feel like my brain is working properly again!
@Everydayisawindingroad I know when you find the right time, you will also find that then you can think more clearly about things.
It's so impossible to think straight when you're in the thick of it, and being told you've got issues as well.

When I spoke to him about his behaviour today it’s apparently just miscommunication. Brick wall bang head against.

Yes @Everydayisawindingroad it’s the same kinda response every time. They don’t see it or get it. Can you tell him that it’s hurting you, and making your love for him diminish?

@purplepeony10 I just get so many different bullshit responses from him, I’ve given up trying to make him see where I’ll coming from and the impact of his behaviour. He either gets in and enjoys doing so or doesn’t care alternately he doesn’t fully comprehend the impact but isn’t willing to work on it. My dear friend who has known him for years seems to think he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Time to see a solicitor? At least then you’ll know the legal side of things and that should give you the confidence to take the next steps.

I've told quite a few people now. But still no clearer how we move forward in a practical sense. For some reason I suddenly feel incredibly panicky today, not about anything specific, but I feel sick, I've got tingly legs etc. And an awful feeling of impending doom.

@camouflagejacket hope you are starting to feel a little better. Might it be worth touching base with someone medical just in case there is a physical cause other than stress for your symptoms?

@goody2shooz once the dc go back to school after the holidays I’ll be straight down to the solicitors.

How is everyone else doing this morning?

Just checking in to say I hope you are all OK.

My anxiety is through the roof with it all. I feel a mess inside. Ending a marriage is such a massive thing to do.
Try to remember how brave it is to admit that something isn't working and affecting your happiness.
Thinking of you all.

I guess it is anxiety. I'd been feeling a sense of relief, but that seems to have left me. Telling family was hard, though they were fine about it. I didn't really explain why though.
Love to you all.

Hello everyone, I have told people @camouflagejacket and did they not ask you why you were breaking up? If they don’t it’s maybe because they’re scared to hear the truth. I think sometimes family and friends don’t want to know the truth because firstly they might feel guilty for not helping you sooner and also because they don’t know how to handle it. I told people the truth, mentioned specific events that happened.
The years it went on for. At first people were surprised and shocked, of course my DH was loved by all and people looked up to him. But now they’ve accepted it, they have been amazing and supportive. One friend said she had seen his temper once and had wondered if he was like that at home. I was so relieved that someone else had seen it.
So you may feel like you’re betraying him, by telling people, but you need to now focus on yourself, and open up if you can, it really does help I promise.
I realised I had been keeping it a secret from my closest family for years, just pretending all was fine. It makes a huge difference telling people the truth.
I hope you can find a way x
Love to all in here

That's a good question, and ive been thinking about that today. I have played it down to family and no-one has really asked, or at least have been very ready to accept whatever explanation I gave. They have said we're here to support you but no difficult questions. Firstly that probably tells you a bit about my family. I dont think they want to talk about it. But I also think they have a pretty good idea, one ventured to ask who instigated the split and said 'assumed so' when I said it was me.
But also, me. I feel ashamed and foolish for putting up with this and putting the kids through it. I'm incredibly independent in many ways, but obviously not good at relationships.

I have spoken to a couple of friends in a bit more detail but still not a lot. They have asked 'are you alright' and I've just said yes.
I guess the kids probably know the most about what's gone on. 😢

@camouflagejacket yep, you're right kids probably seen it the most. But don't know about you, I tried to keep it away from the kids, so not sure they felt the full force, also when they were young they didn't remember some of the things.
The family member who said 'assumed so' , maybe try and talk to them more. You might find they kinda had an idea.
I am also proud and independent, and in more recent years, I wanted to show my DDs that their dad couldn't put me down without a fight.
I do like to think I'm strong and determined, and I think my DH took advantage of that, thinking I could take his abuse. But over time no one can take it for so long, and not be affected, and no one should.

Yes, I also feel stupid for hacking it for so long, but people I've spoken to have been mostly really understanding, some better than others. I also felt I was 'telling' on my DH, so I tried, although not sure how good I was, at telling people about his issues, as kind of a mental thing, rather than outright complaining about him.
But people can't support you if they don't know the truth. Can you say, look I need to really talk about this please?

How are you @Everydayisawindingroad and @Sundayblues21 ?
xx

Spoke to my mum today who says there are issues with any marriage and basically told me just to try harder. I’m just feeling so deflated by it all

@Everydayisawindingroad I’ve been following your thread and I just wanted to say don’t listen to his mum. I confided in my husbands mum when he was being almost daily verbally and emotionally abusive to me, to the point I left taking dd(5) for several weeks, and all she had was: marriages need work, we all have our issues. Needless to say my own family didn’t have the same view! I wouldn’t bother talking to her, she will always have a different view of her son and as a postscript at her suggestion husband and I had 7 months of counselling and he didn’t change At All. He’s never going to change. Hugs to you, please stay strong.

No, no that's not at all helpful.
People who think that we're a bit unhappy and basically lightweights for not putting in some effort into our marriages really can hack me off a bit!
My sister-in-law messaged and said 'sorry to hear you're unhappy'. Literally the biggest understatement ever. They think we must just be bored housewives who want to moan about something.
Jeeeeezzzz ....

You need to be crystal clear, and it's difficult because it can sound like a whinge, but the facts are :-

1. we have at some point loved our DH very much
2. we have all been married years to DH
3. no one else really knows what exactly we've been through except us.
4. we have all lived years with verbal abuse, hurt and fear
5. we have all at times blamed ourselves for the anger/temper/words coming from DH
6. we have all tried our best to make it work.
7. we have all lived in the hope that it would end.

Only you @Everydayisawindingroad are living with it, not your mum. Only you really know how bad it is.
No one should have to live like this in 21st century in the UK, not anymore.
We're the trailblazers, we don't stand for this nowadays. When in the olden days the attitude maybe was more like suck it up and get on with it. No, that was then. This is now.

@purplepeony10 when my husband spent a lot of money on sex workers right before Christmas and then left us, my SiL texted to say “sorry to hear you’re having a tough time so close to Xmas”- understatement of the century wow. Your comments are spot on, only we know what’s going on and his family are not gonna be helpful.

Oh dear @Everydayisawindingroad that's not very helpful of your Mum, but I suspect mine would be saying the same!!
'try harder'

'sorry to hear things are bad'

'think about the impact on the kids'
People just like the status quo don't they? Don't want to deal with the mess. Keep Christmas nice. And we spend time hiding it to make their life easier.
One of the main things that tipped me over the edge was that H no longer seemed to care who heard or saw him being a shit. I knew then that there as no hope, he didn't actually care that he was doing it. I'm proud too, @purplepeony10 and it's effing humiliating. I feel sooo consumed and distracted by thinking about all of this and one of the main things that is sapping my energy is processing all of the shit things that I've just shoved to the back of my mind. I wake up in the night and think of more and more examples of things that were so not right.

That’s so true @camouflagejacket you keep remembering more horrible instances that you lived through and gritted your teeth.
Things you had totally forgotten about.
I said to my H when we were parting, all I can remember of our marriage are the bad things and the bad memories.
He said, we had some good times?
I said yep, but they were built on top of the bad memories, the hurt, the fear. Which means even the good memories were not truly good. They were just interludes.

@purplepeony10 I can really relate to not being able to look back on the “good” times with fondness as they have all been soured by the appalling way he treats me the rest of the time. He binned something which was reality previous to one of the dc today and blamed it on them for not putting it with the rest of their stuff

"Good" times have no value, do they, when you know they are going to be followed by bad. It's a version of the dripping tap torture, the unpredictability of it makes it so much worse. I'm always waiting for the next blow up, checking his mood/ level of drunkenness, to try to predict it. And avoiding giving any bad or even vaguely contentious news because he will be angry and shouty and aggressively sweary because he is 'upset'.