I need to leave

[Everydayisawindingroad]

Married with DC and I hate to say this but I’m now utterly repulsed by him due to his ongoing abuse and treatment of me. I’m not in an immediate danger but I do need to escape before it destroys me and further damages the DC. Hoping for a handhold as I navigate this new chapter. I’m utterly petrified as I feel I’m just about to jump into the deep end of a pool unable to swim but deep down I know I need to do it.

How is everyone getting on? I'm still very up and down with everything. Dh has not seen much of the children and is not very open to communicating.
I know he will be angry with me though as I don't think he ever thought I would end things.
Thinking of you all

Been very stressful few days, and running on empty as next to no sleep. He accused me of being aggressive in response to me calling him on his behaviour, it’s so disheartening
I just need to find a job that will support me so I can move out. Think I’ll start looking as of next week. Was going to wait until the end of the summer break and the kids were back at school but I don’t think I can hold out that long.

@Everydayisawindingroad sorry you're going through this. I have similar with my dh. He says I'm controlling and abusive, but I now see that he's just deflecting.

Someone once said to me, whatever he says, listen closely, as that's what he is doing. I am sure it is the same in your situation.

I would definitely start in looking for a job. It can't hurt and may help you feel like you're taking a step forward.

@Sundayblues21 that's sad he hasn't seen the DC. Hope they are ok. And you.
I feel quite low and stressed. We don't seem to be getting anywhere and are stuck In this stalemate. I went out for the day on my own today and just felt bored and restless I don't feel like I have anywhere I belong.
Keep strong x

@Sundayblues21 totally agree with you , when I suggested to my H he was getting angry too often, he would say that it was me. It was either my fault he was so angry or it was actually me that was getting upset not him. He would always deflect away from himself.
The whole anger thing is NOT our fault or our issue. This is with them.
I hope for you he comes round and sees how important the DCs are.
Mine confessed when he came by on Sunday that he might have been upset because he was jealous of the attention the DCs were getting over him, he said he had behaved like a child. Which is a big step for him, but tbh doesn’t help me much now!

@Everydayisawindingroad I know how hard it is to make the break, there is never a right time. Even now I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future with living arrangements. He’s staying with his family at the moment, so still a limbo stage, but it’s a stage in the right direction.
@camouflagejacket so sorry you are feeling low, how are the DCs? Are you able to get out with them? To the beach or park for a walk? I know it’s easy for me to say these things, but in reality it’s always harder. Maybe try do something fun and quirky with them? I’m trying to re-discover my old self
Love to you all x
It will get better x

@camouflagejacket My dc have had a couple of nights away with the grandparents. It is the first time almost ever that I have been completely alone with nobody else's feelings or plans to consider. Far from feeling free, I have found it incredibly lonely and yesterday in particular I felt really unsettled and lost.
I hope it will get easier with time but can't help but feel like I want my old life back right now.

@Sundayblues21 sorry you've had a miserable few days too. I don't know what the answer is. I feel like I've got so cut off from life. I don't have friends round here, and my family are all elsewhere.

@purplepeony10 my kids are much older and wrapped so in their own stuff. Sometimes it feels like they don't care one way or the other.

@Everydayisawindingroad so sorry you're still having ti put up with this behaviour. He's behaviour has been much more moderate since I announced what I wanted. But it won't stay that way, I know.

How are we all holding up?

Pretty deflated, @Sundayblues21. You?

@Sundayblues21

How are we all holding up?

Pretty crap to be honest. It’s going to be a long summer break. It’s good we’ve had some lovely weather though. One of my closest friends has just moved overseas to be with family so I’m feeling rather deflated as we had grown particularly close in recent years. I had another look at jobs earlier, but there’s not much at all in my line of work in the local area. I’m toying with the possibility of retraining but that would mean I’d need to delay the separation which is less than ideal.

@camouflagejacket sorry you hear you are feeling deflated too.

@Sundayblues21 how have things been for you?

Sorry you're feeling rubbish ladies, but I'm in the same boat so totally understand.
I know it was eventually me who ended things but I feel.....in shock.
Dh left so quickly and I have been left here to pick up the slack whilst he lives in a house share, goes for long walks and to the gym!
I have been drinking too much which I know I need to change as it doesn't help.
I have to spend a full day with him tomorrow for the first time and the dc still don't know.

We are supposed to be going on a family holiday next week. I can't face it with him as need the break and to relax. He can't be normal enough with me so know that won't happen if he's there. I'm going to suggest we split it, but do we tell the kids before or after?

I feel for you both. We haven't had a family holiday for 2 years now, we were due to have one last big one last year that got cancelled. If only I'd known the last one would be the last one. I don't remember it being much fun though now I come to think about it, H does not travel well.

It's become clear that we will have to sell the house, and probably quite soon. It's too much for either to but the other out and he won't agree to move out and let us stay here till the youngest finishes school. He wants to stay too which defeats the object. I'm the kind of person who once I have made my mind up I just want to get the job done. I'm sorry you are facing things taking longer, EveryDay.
I'm actually drinking a bit less, I think because I've disassociated myself from him a bit. Normally I drink to put up with him! He's drinking plenty.
Take care. Xx

@Sundayblues21 I didn't quite follow what you meant by I'm going to suggest we split it, but do we tell the kids before or after? Are you saying Do half the holiday each?

@camouflagejacket how do you feel about selling the house? It be difficult to process but a new home will be a lovely new start for you.

Yes I meant split the holiday but the kids don't actually know we've split up yet and I don't know if it would ruin the holiday for them so continue to say he's working away as an excuse for his absence?
We actually spent the day together today and it was really nice which has made me very emotional tonight.

Separation is sooooo rough.

@Sundayblues21 gosh, I'm losing the plot, didn't realise you hadn't told them! Hmm, you are in a tricky spot re the holiday, I don't know what I'd do. I just cancelled ours and blamed COVID, but the DC didn't want to go anyway. Too stressful.

Be careful, Sunday. You're very vulnerable ATM, and of course he's being nice. Don't let it slide back to the life you had. I've been round this 3 times now and all I can say is I wish I'd stucjk to my guns. It doesn't change, in fact bad habits get worse with age.
I would love to move house, but youngest in his last year at current school and it would make more sense to stay here another year. But h won't leave!

Hello , yep got to stick to your guns. @Sundayblues21 If not they think you’re not serious.
Gotta tell the DC , in the future when they are older you don’t want them to blame you for not being honest with them.
Keep talking with them, it’s a positive move.
Mine is also being super nice.
I’m sticking to guns, when you’ve come this far, I don’t want to start reversing.

@camouflagejacket
I’m drinking less too, and feel better for it, more sane now!
I’m so sorry you have to still live with him. That’s so hard. Can you go away for couple days break? With or without DC?
I’m so happy mine has left now. And I’ve asked him to arrange a time if he wants to come by to see DCs . I don’t want any surprises

Evening all, hope everyone is coping with the warmer weather. We went away for a few days and it’s just reaffirmed the fact that he really doesn’t care, the expression “I’m alright Jack” Springs to mind.
Couldn’t sleep last night so spent the time job hunting. It’s going to be a long summer.

How is everyone else doing?

Never even made it to breakfast this morning before he started on me. I’m apparently “on the high and mighty” because I dared to raise a valid concern. For financial reasons it wasn’t something I could just let slide. He then proceeded to jibe by asking if I was still in a mood with him. The endless bullshit accusations are exhausting. I don’t know how I’m going to hold my shit together today and prevent myself from blurting out that I can’t stand him so want a divorce.

@Everydayisawindingroad I'm so sorry he's still being so difficult. Can you not just say that to him? Lay all your cards on the table and see what happens? Are you waiting for a reason? Forgive me if I have forgotten your circumstance, it's been a long couple of months!

Testing

I’ve tried posting a response twice, I think it’s posted and when I come to check my thread it’s gone.
@Sundayblues21 unfortunately, I’m not in a financial position at present to leave. I’ve got no holiday programs/childcare booked for the dc over the summer break so I need to wait until the kids go back in order to be able to do a full time job. I’ve come too far to risk leaving myself even more vulnerable than I already am if I lay my cards on the table now.
I’ve come too far to just blurt things out without having my ducks in a row. I’m going to make an appt with a solicitor before the kids go back so at least I have the info I need in order to plan effectively.
I was badly let down by someone today who I thought would be there for me through the upcoming separation, but they’ve made their feelings known, I’m absolutely gutted if I’m completely honest. It’s a harsh realisation to know I’ve nobody irl who has my back. My parents are of the opinion that all marriages need to be worked on and that I should just work harder. I told them it’s not about me but the dc’s wellbeing. This is going to be far harder than I ever imagined and I just feel so lonely. Makes me feel like a terrible person to not have the support of anyone irl, it’s like I’m not deserving of anyone’s support. I’m safe but boy am I utterly destroyed by it all.

@Everydayisawindingroad im you sorry you've been so badly let down by someone you've confided in, but please know that are not alone, but i it can feel it. Its a really, big scary thing you're doing, but take each day as it comes.
I'm sorry you're stuck in this limbo until after the summer. Try and detach and take care of yourself as much as possible in the meantime.

Do you have a job lined up or will you need to find something?

@Everydayisawindingroad I'm also so sorry you're in that position. It's so incredibly hard, we all know that.
Everything seems to go in favour of the DH. And they seem to know this and abuse it.
That's what really got me in the end, the fact that he was keeping me by holding me by the short and curlies. It's really manipulative, like they know you can't escape or wouldn't dare too.
And they just carry on abusing their position.

Even when I told my DH, there was a part of me that was panicking wondering if I was doing the right thing. I was ready to reverse and go back to how it was. I'm sooooo happy now I didn't. It's so much better now. It's hard, bloody hard, but it's my choice finally, and decisions I make now are mine. And as we've said early, such a huge relief.

There is a small possibility my cancer has come back, which may be life limiting for me. So with that in mind @Everydayisawindingroad, every day counts, every day of misery I wasted on him was one day too many.

I do think it helps having a bit of support behind you, have you got siblings, even an aunt, a friend ?

Are you able to speak calmly to him at all? Even at night, just quietly?
Thinking of you x

@purplepeony10 so sorry to hear that your cancer might have returned 💐. You are absolutely spot on with saying every day counts. Really hoping for the best possible outcome for you.
Regrettably, I don’t have any supportive family as they are all of the opinion “until death do us part” I also don’t trust them enough to not say anything to dh. It’s just too risky.
I’ve given up trying to talk to him, the following extract from one of Patricia Evans book really resonates why.

“The great tragedy in a verbally abusive relationship is that the partner’s efforts to bring reconciliation, mutual understanding and intimacy are rejected out of hand by the abuser because to him they are adversarial. This is so because, if he isn’t feeling power over his partner, he is feeling that she must be trying to overpower him. There is no mutuality in his reality”.

I've been here was all if this. I know exactly what you are all going through. My findings are as follows.

Anyone who is abusive for years to the person they are supposed to love most is not normal. Once you accept this fact you stop trying to understand why they are the way they are. Once you accept this you stop thinking you are maybe to blame in some way.
Men like this thrive on being abusive. They enjoy it. It feeds a supply that they need. They enjoy confrontation and arguments. They enjoy the power they have to make you miserable. This is much more important to them than having a happy marriage and family.
Turning on the charm and being suddenly pleasant is just a ruse. It won't last. Being nice and kind isn't something they enjoy. Being vile is much more productive. It is all about power. He is tge powerful one and you are the weak vulnerable one in the relationship.
Anything that doesn't go his way you will be blamed for. He doesn't make mistakes and admit it. He doesn't have weaknesses as far as he is concerned. You are always the problem and will be punished each time you step out of line. Any protests from you will be blamed on your mental health. You are going mad and maybe your memory is failing you. He will deny he said or did all the awful things he said and did.
Men like this never change. They don't change because they don't care.
Its completely normal to be grief-stricken.
Its the end of an era. No one wants to be divorced and a single parent unless there is absolutely no alternative. Only time will show you that it is so much better than being married to someone who isn't capable of being in a normal relationship.
Don't expect others on the outside to understand. This is something that most people haven't had to experience for years and years. They don't have any idea what its like living with abuse. People can be supportive initially but everyone has their own lives and they expect you to be over it quickly. You very probably won't im afraid.
Read up on trauma bonding. It resonated with me so much. It explained why I just couldn't even figure out who the hell I was without this man who had treated me so horribly for so many years. Its a situation that you are comfortable with. It is your normal. You know its wrong but its like a drug that you miss horribly when its not there anymore.
Detach as much as humanly possible. Think of how life can be normal again. Remind yourself that being abused is absolutely not normal. Remind yourself every single day that this man does not love you one little bit.