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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wanting to split, he wants me to leave the house

360 replies

SisterNight · 08/06/2021 11:09

DH wants us to split. We are joint tenants in a council property. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. I had to leave my part time job 3 years ago on medical grounds due to my health. We have 3 dc. I have no family in the city we live in so would probably have to move back to my parents who live about an hour away. He works from home so is able to do all the school runs etc.

I have no savings or any income. I don't want to leave my children. I need some advice. Please help!

OP posts:
purpleboy · 08/06/2021 12:53

@Weirdfan

The best advice I can give you OP is fact-check everything he says rather than letting him frighten you with his bullshit claims. Don't blindly believe anything everything he says because it's all designed to manipulate/scare you into doing what he wants. Make legal advice your first priority (Rights of Women offer free legal advice and could at least point you in the right direction rightsofwomen.org.uk/) and do not budge from that house Flowers
Agree with this op, he is bullying you and will tell you whatever he can to scare you into doing what he wants. Don't believe it, everything he tells you, get independent advice on it. Don't leave your house Don't leave your kids Get advice ASAP Ask to see the bank statements Call your back to get them send statements to you online. Don't roll over and give him want he wants, fight for your children and your house.
Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 12:53

I do have my own bank account but he deals with it online. I wouldn't even know the password to get onto it. Like I said there's nothing in it anyway.

He's not being financially abusive, I have free reign with his bank card and I do all the shopping. But I don't have any access to any of the online stuff (mostly because I was happy for him to take on the financial stuff) and I'm just now aware that I've put myself in a vulnerable position.

OP posts:
BreatheAndFocus · 08/06/2021 12:55

@SisterNight

I've even suggested that we have an open marriage if it will make him happier. He's not interested. Just wants me gone. Why does he hate me so much?
I don’t think he hates you. He just wants things his way and being nasty and bullying is he way to try to make you give up. Please don’t

You do not have to leave your house and children. It’s a joint tenancy. If he wants to leave, tell him to. He’s bullshitting you. I suspect he’s been planning this for a while. He probably has his little plan all laid out. But you don’t have to go along with it. You are equal to him. He’s not your boss and he’s not right about what he’s saying. As a single parent, you’d get support.

Stay strong and stand firm.

copperpotsalot · 08/06/2021 12:55

I think he's probably met someone else and has sold himself as a package with a home to offer her. I might be wrong but that's how it seems.

purpleboy · 08/06/2021 12:55

@SisterNight

I do have my own bank account but he deals with it online. I wouldn't even know the password to get onto it. Like I said there's nothing in it anyway.

He's not being financially abusive, I have free reign with his bank card and I do all the shopping. But I don't have any access to any of the online stuff (mostly because I was happy for him to take on the financial stuff) and I'm just now aware that I've put myself in a vulnerable position.

Would he give you the password if you asked him?
copperpotsalot · 08/06/2021 12:56

And yes he wouldn't even have got a council house without you and the kids I don't expect!

Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 12:56

I'm pretty sure he'd give me access to my own, very empty, account.

OP posts:
pointythings · 08/06/2021 12:57

If you have a bank account of your own, remove his access to it. Then contact Child Benefits and have them pay into that account, not the joint. When you claim UC, it should also go into this sole account - behave as if you are single.

I second calling Women's Aid, CAB etc. - you are being abused and intimidated and now is the time to get help.

Longdistance · 08/06/2021 12:57

How has he worked hard at the council house? He doesn’t own it. What a twat!
Don’t leave. Get onto entitledto website. Get legal advice ASAP.
I bet your condition would improve without him in your life!

copperpotsalot · 08/06/2021 12:57

@SisterNight

I'm pretty sure he'd give me access to my own, very empty, account.
It won't be empty when you start claiming benefits
Wombats12 · 08/06/2021 12:59

Definitely don't leave a secure tenancy, talk to the housing officers.

MudMonsters · 08/06/2021 13:00

Please please contact bank and sort this out. Change password, change pin to your card at bank cash machine if he knows it. I advise doing this at a machine rather than replacement letter incase he opens it before you've destroyed it and finds out your new pin.
Put some money from joint account in there. Get yourself into a slightly less vulnerable position. Plus you can start claiming benefits into your account. Child benefit, UC.

Wombats12 · 08/06/2021 13:00

There is literally no chance he'd get a new secure tenancy as a single man in work. He's at it. Definitely don't move.

Swansarebeautiful · 08/06/2021 13:01

Call gingerbread for support on benefits they are very useful… I would get your ducks in a row and get your self on the housing list,Tell them your situation. When he sees that your strong and you can do this he will panic but don’t stick around that’s what he wants. Sorry that you are going through this but you will be just fine. Iv never claimed but my friend is actually better of than me as a single mum ☺️

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 08/06/2021 13:01

I think there’s a lot of assumptions being made on this thread. I know you’ve said you’re a sahp op, but are you doing most of the parenting? Your oh is working from home full time, is the sole earner, does the school runs for the children, sorts out all the finances for the house to the point where you don’t even look at your own bank account. And still gives you free rein with his cash and bank card. It sounds pretty shit that he wants you out, I do have some sympathy for him though.
Definitely do not leave the house either way without legal advice. The fact that you’re not earning and disabled means that you should be more in need of a council house, not less. In an ideal world I think he should have to move out and you could share custody (I’m not sure if that’s still the right word but I can’t think of another one) of the children.

AdditionalCharacter · 08/06/2021 13:02

So very sorry you're being bullied into this Op.

Some very wise advice from other posters. Please don't leave your house, and speak to DWP regarding benefits.

My sister left an abusive relationship, and she gets so much help financially from the DWP.

Do you claim PIP for your condition, or DLA for your child with SN?

me4real · 08/06/2021 13:03

He thinks I won't be able to stay because I have no income.

This is more reason for you to get the house, not less. You would be entitled to more benefits to help with housing costs.

He's trying to say I'm rubbish with money and me and the kids will end up homeless if I stay in the house now.

This is emotional abuse, designed to make you lose confidence in yourself. You would be fine. The council don't often evict people unless they're a nuisance. This is because they would probably be deemed to have a duty to house you, so they'd only have to find you somewhere new anyway.

And I'm sure you'd manage money well enough to pay rent out of the money you'll be given by the governnment which will cover it- all you have to do is pay it to them when it's due, and you'll have the money to do so. The council are also very reasonable about any arrears, they don't often throw people out for them.

Why does he hate me so much?

He's probably having an affair or something. Or he wants complete freedom to be a single bloke.

stackemhigh · 08/06/2021 13:03

@SisterNight

I do have my own bank account but he deals with it online. I wouldn't even know the password to get onto it. Like I said there's nothing in it anyway.

He's not being financially abusive, I have free reign with his bank card and I do all the shopping. But I don't have any access to any of the online stuff (mostly because I was happy for him to take on the financial stuff) and I'm just now aware that I've put myself in a vulnerable position.

It’s very common and easy to move money between accounts.

You only have access to one account, he could have other accounts.

Call the bank and change the password to your account ASAP so he can no longer access it.

AnathemaPulsifer · 08/06/2021 13:04

Definitely don’t move out. With child maintenance and benefits you’ll get by in the house without him. If he wants to end the marriage he can leave.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/06/2021 13:05

What Breathe said. Do not leave. He is bullying you. He's trying to coerce you. That's abusive behaviour. You can claim UC still living in the home with him! You can claim DLA on your child and PIP for yourself.

me4real · 08/06/2021 13:05

I would get your ducks in a row and get your self on the housing list,

@Swansarebeautiful She doesn't have to do this and in fact they wouldn't do it, there would be no need for the council to do it as she already has a home which she's entitled to stay in.

Unsubscribed · 08/06/2021 13:05

OP please don't be scared of the financial side of things. I know it can be scary if you've been used to DP being in charge of the banking but you can learn and people will help you. You can access to your own bank account and get benefits paid into it so you will be self sufficient and can provide for the children . Do not let this be the reason why he pushes you out. You sound as if you have low self esteem as well (open marriage comment) so please seek help . You are not alone Flowers

Miiaaoow · 08/06/2021 13:07

You are a SAHM mum, who looks after 3 children (the majority of the time, i'm guessing) and you have a chronic illness that i'm also guessing makes it near impossible to manage a full time job so you would not be able to afford a home large enough to accomodate you and your children.

He has a job, presumably does not have a chronic illness and let's be real - like most men - probably does the minority of childcare, and could afford to rent somewhere.

Who do you think the council would give the home to?

DO NOT LEAVE.

Lozzerbmc · 08/06/2021 13:07

Do not leave- he is a bully.

You take care of the children so he can work … remember that.

Get legal advice ASAP. And get the control for your bank account.

Bellringer · 08/06/2021 13:07

I've been ill and it undermines your confidence, people take advantage and walk over you.
Couple therapy to try to repair, or salvage and mediate a split. He sounds fed up but he needs to think better than this.
If not he goes, stay put and get support. Solidarity.

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