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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wanting to split, he wants me to leave the house

360 replies

SisterNight · 08/06/2021 11:09

DH wants us to split. We are joint tenants in a council property. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. I had to leave my part time job 3 years ago on medical grounds due to my health. We have 3 dc. I have no family in the city we live in so would probably have to move back to my parents who live about an hour away. He works from home so is able to do all the school runs etc.

I have no savings or any income. I don't want to leave my children. I need some advice. Please help!

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 08/06/2021 20:21

I agree that it's an excellent idea to start keeping a detailed record of all his comments and actions regarding your parenting and the ending of your relationship.
Keep it well hidden!

Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 20:21

He even orders my medication for me. The more I think about it the more I realise just how much he has control over me. Like I've previously said all of this has happened gradually over the years.

I'm just a live in chef, maid and nanny.

OP posts:
Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 20:22

He pays for my phone too. How have I let myself become this vulnerable?! It's frightening.

OP posts:
Muchmorethan · 08/06/2021 20:34

@SisterNight

He pays for my phone too. How have I let myself become this vulnerable?! It's frightening.
Yes but now you can start to get control over your own affairs.

Tell us your plan. Having it written down will make you feel more in control of your own life.

shetlandponies · 08/06/2021 20:35

@SisterNight

Ok an update. He's told me to just forget he said anything and he's just going to pretend everything is alright and we'll carry on as normal as his feelings don't matter. He's extremely good at feeling sorry for himself.

I'm going to use this as an opportunity to get some independent financial control back and get my ducks in a row so to speak. I don't think I can ever forgive some of the things he has said.

What a passive aggressive, martyr dick head

Op that sounds very sensible.

Colouringaddict · 08/06/2021 20:42

You could try some marriage counselling, they don’t just counsel you to stay together, they can also counsel couples that are splitting too. Family members used them to try and repair a marriage but they decided it was better all round to separate and there was no hatred or points scored

me4real · 08/06/2021 21:13

@SisterNight Don't let yourself drift back to how things were before. You can't trust him not to upset you and he's not treating you well.

You're right to find out about way you stand etc financially.

Meds and phone are easy- you can get your meds delivered to you. You could even do the meds thing now- just do it and say you want to save him a job. Phone your chemist's and they'll probably start delivering, or you'll easily find one that will. You can find what chemist it is on the front of the packet if you're not sure. x

Happyd · 08/06/2021 21:30

Op

I have a feeling he has probably claimed for everything that he could does you son get DLA .. If so that is quite a lot of extra money as it also adds on to more child tax credit .. you need to get access to your account as money may have been going into there .. tell him you want all benefit changed to your name as the main carer .. he has been totally gaslighting you

me4real · 08/06/2021 21:34

I wouldn't have counselling with him- he'd be awful, and he'd be funding it, wouldn't he? If you wanted to have some as a couple. Sounds unlikely it'd be his thing, because as far as he's concerned he thinks he doesn't have a problem, you just need to start doing what he wants.

You could get on the NHS list for counselling/psychologist etc for yourself so you can get some without any money. Unless you can persuade him to fund it somehow.

@SisterNight What sort of 'entertainment' is he after BTW? I had a boyfriend call me boring once and it was sexual antics of all kinds he was trying to get me to do.

Or anything really. I'm glad you realize it's not your job to entertain him.

QioiioiioQ · 08/06/2021 21:40

How have I let myself become this vulnerable
he's been carefully working on you over a long period of time, he was able to do this because you trusted him.
Now you know different but he doesnt know that you've seen through him, that gives you more power because you have an overview that he does not have.

KeepingTrack · 08/06/2021 21:40

Also child benefit should have been in your name as it will help you build up your (state) pension whilst you are not working.

Boonlark · 08/06/2021 21:49

@SisterNight

He pays for my phone too. How have I let myself become this vulnerable?! It's frightening.
. Because you're a normal non-abusive person. You trusted him as your life partner. And what did he do with that trust? He abused it and used it to control you. That's on him, not you. I speak from experience.

The next steps will feel scary. You're likely to feel like you're overreacting, but you're not. You're likely to think maybe you'll be ok with him. But the real you will get smaller and quieter.

I've been there, and this bit and the few months afterwards are the hardest, but it's so worth it to be free.

TacCat49 · 08/06/2021 21:55

You should look at getting your drivers licence too. I'm assuming as he is working from home the car is parked up all day.

MadeForThis · 08/06/2021 22:14

He's shown you what he really thinks of you now. If you had agreed to go he would have slammed the door behind you.

The relationship is over. But you have time to prepare. Get your bank account reset so only you can access it. Same with child benefit. Make sure you have copies of all his paperwork. Get birth/marriage certificates safe.

Why is your account empty? Any benefits you receive should be paid directly to you.

AdaColeman · 08/06/2021 22:20

It isn't advisable to have joint counselling with an abuser/manipulator which this character so obviously is.

They will manipulate the sessions to do further damage to their victim, and will use anything the victim reveals in the sessions, to increase their control of the victim.

NewMinouMinou · 08/06/2021 22:38

Is there someone at school you could talk to? The school counsellor, for example?
Just to give them a heads-up that this is going on and to get any help that they could offer you.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/06/2021 22:48

@SisterNight

Ok an update. He's told me to just forget he said anything and he's just going to pretend everything is alright and we'll carry on as normal as his feelings don't matter. He's extremely good at feeling sorry for himself.

I'm going to use this as an opportunity to get some independent financial control back and get my ducks in a row so to speak. I don't think I can ever forgive some of the things he has said.

Good thinking!

He thinks you should just put his cruel remark aside and pretend nothing ever happened - we all know that you can't and that this will eat away at your heart and self-esteem if you even try.

Get all the information you need. If you need practical advice, there are some amazing women on here, and many have been through it and out the other side - they'll help you every step of the way.

timeisnotaline · 08/06/2021 22:52

If the op can call or get to a bank she can get online access and a new card.
Meds- delivered.
Phone
Child tax credit- perhaps make this after you’ve done the other things if he will notice?
Council housing to make sure he doesn’t lie about you leaving or anything
What else is on the list? Any other payments- dla?

SkodaKodiaq · 08/06/2021 23:05

@SisterNight @osbertthesyrianhamster Just a polite FYI - It's no longer called DLA for adults (it is for children), it's now called PIP. You have to start the application process online

Swansarebeautiful · 09/06/2021 09:02

@me4real ah yeah I see.

shetlandponies · 09/06/2021 09:07

OP how are you today x

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/06/2021 12:07

[quote SkodaKodiaq]**@SisterNight* @osbertthesyrianhamster* Just a polite FYI - It's no longer called DLA for adults (it is for children), it's now called PIP. You have to start the application process online[/quote]
Is there any way to turn the tagging off on this site? Yes, I know it's DLA for children and PIP for adults. Hmm The OP has a child with autism.

OP you deserve so much more than this.

notthemum · 09/06/2021 12:24

Shit. Sorry I haven't yet RTFT but I will. Just wanted to come on quickly to say PLEASE DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE.
If you do this the council will say that you have made yourself voluntarily homeless and they will be under NO obligation to rehouse you.
Don't know where your "Dp" has got his information from but I can promise you that it is not true.
If he leaves then the house can be signed over to you. You will get benefits for you and the kids and he will be expected to pay maintenance.

I don't know how the situation is this morning but get straight onto the council, your neighbourhood manager, get on to DWP immediately as you can start claiming for yourself and the children. Will be back later to check on you but can't reiterate enough that you must not agree to leave.
Eventually this may go to court, you must stand your ground.
You fight for the house in court and as your need with the children is greater than his he will not win. 💐

Original poster
SisterNight · 09/06/2021 13:13

Lots of stony silence this morning. Nothing much to report. I'm out with the kids which helps. Enjoying the peace to be honest!

OP posts:
Waspie · 09/06/2021 13:27

I think you should make an appointment at your bank and go in and get online access to your accounts (including any joint accounts) sorted out. Also, change the child benefit to be paid into your bank account and not your husbands. You can do this online here or give HMRC a ring and they can do it for you. You can always tell your husband this is for state pension reasons.

Definitely use this as an opportunity to take back some of the control over your financial position.

Do not leave your home. If he decides he wants to separate he needs to leave. You are primary carer and a joint tenant. If he does leave you can apply for benefits including rent allowance, and child maintenance from him.

I genuinely can't believe he thinks you would be the one to leave the family home in this situation; it's baffling and illogical Confused

In terms of interaction around the house I would ignore him as far as possible and for everything else practice "grey rock" technique. Ignore the gaslighting entirely. If for no other reason than it will really wind him up!

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