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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wanting to split, he wants me to leave the house

360 replies

SisterNight · 08/06/2021 11:09

DH wants us to split. We are joint tenants in a council property. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. I had to leave my part time job 3 years ago on medical grounds due to my health. We have 3 dc. I have no family in the city we live in so would probably have to move back to my parents who live about an hour away. He works from home so is able to do all the school runs etc.

I have no savings or any income. I don't want to leave my children. I need some advice. Please help!

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 08/06/2021 13:07

So he wants to split up but he thinks you should leave??? Tell him to sod off!
You're the main child carer and he can use his wages to rent himself a flat or something. Chancer. You'll be well rid.

me4real · 08/06/2021 13:09

@SisterNight I would contact the council before he does OP, and get their advice. They will be ok with you one way or another, I promise. You don't have to tell him you've called them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 08/06/2021 13:10

SisterNight, I am very sorry to read your posts, what a horrible man he is. I can see that you've had brilliant advice already - stay put, get advice - he can go as soon as he likes. You're married, it matters - and he will find out just what that bit of paper means.

With him gone your life can start again and you can gain independence as you'll have access to benefits that you just won't have with him there.

I know this must be absolutely terrifying for you but please try not to worry, worrying never helps. Also, don't focus on how you perceive that he feels about you, it doesn't matter what he thinks. It will never matter again.

Get advice and stay in the family home. You're going nowhere and neither are your children. Thanks

smallspeckbigcloud · 08/06/2021 13:11

So he wants you to leave your children and your home! Leave you with nothing! Jesus!

He has a job - he can afford to get other accommodation. Don't leave the house OP. Council houses are a fantastic deal - life time security of tenure and affordable rent. You will never get this in the private sector and social housing is a rare resource, not that easy to come by. The council will be happy for your rent to be paid by housing benefit unlike most private sector landlords.

He cant' make you leave so don't let him.

Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 13:12

I do the vast majority of the school runs. He does 2 a week so the teachers know him and because the kids like it. He picks up the occasional one when I'm too ill which is approximately a couple of times a month.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/06/2021 13:13

I would get your ducks in a row and get your self on the housing list

She's already housed. People who are single and have no dependants are not priority to be housed in many councils and it can be nigh on impossible to get on some list. She and the children are housed, he's the one who wants to split. She sees the council and the advice will be for him to leave. It's easier for him to house himself than them house her and 3 kids.

colouringcrayons · 08/06/2021 13:14

Do not move out. Whatever happens, just say 'you are free to leave but the children and I live here'.

You need legal advice.

Do you have any friends or relatives who can help you sort all this out?

Flowers for you, he has behaved very badly.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/06/2021 13:14

@SisterNight

I do the vast majority of the school runs. He does 2 a week so the teachers know him and because the kids like it. He picks up the occasional one when I'm too ill which is approximately a couple of times a month.
You're a SAHP. He's being a coercive bully.
QioiioiioQ · 08/06/2021 13:15

The chances are that he just thinks he'll pick up some nubile 20 year old who will provide unlimited sex and take over all household responsibilities for him - if so, he has a few shocks coming
This, he's horrible bully and a ridiculous pathetic fantasist.
Do whatever you need to to humour him & keep him quiet to buy time for yourself and make life easy for yourself.
Keep detailed notes of everything that happens with supporting evidence (obviously don't let him find any of this) if it was me I might be fairly passive to give him the impression that this was going to be easy for him (and then he'll be completely defensless) I'm not saying that would be the best strategy for you though, every situation is different.

fakeplantsdontlookreal · 08/06/2021 13:16

I agree that in your position, you need to stay where you are. He hasn't worked his arse off for the house, he doesn't own it, it is rented. He will be able to rent another property much easier than you will.

You will be able to afford to stay, as you should qualify for various benefits including rental assistance. You should also look into disability benefits if you are not fit enough to work. If you already get them, then get them switched to your own bank account (open another one that he does not have access to).

I would speak to CAB, and also DWP, to find out what you might be entitled to.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/06/2021 13:20

The chances are that he just thinks he'll pick up some nubile 20 year old who will provide unlimited sex and take over all household responsibilities for him - if so, he has a few shocks coming

Oh, there seem to be plenty of them on here, too - the 'DP' is older with kids, he has the 'horrible' ex/struggling 'single dad' and she finds herself doing all the donkey work.

But yeah, that's what he's planning - not paying child support and claiming top up benefits if possible to go with his cheap rent and secure tenancy.

Nope.

bluebell34567 · 08/06/2021 13:20

he thinks he is clever.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/06/2021 13:21

@bluebell34567

he thinks he is clever.
And that he can wear down the OP in a bullying war of attrition.
bluebell34567 · 08/06/2021 13:23

get the password for your account and change it.

Geanna2 · 08/06/2021 13:24

Have you spoken to the council yes or no? You are a joint tenant and they have a duty to you. They should be the first person you contact. They will not advise you to leave the property.

CaraherEIL · 08/06/2021 13:28

Phone the council explain he is moving out ask for the forms to be sent out to claim, disability, housing benefit and to get the house moved into your name only.
Sort your bank account and change password so you can put it on forms for your benefits to be paid into.
I would ignore everything that he is saying, call a family member see if anyone can come down to see you for morale support.
Do not move out under any circumstances.

Rachie1973 · 08/06/2021 13:29

@SisterNight

He thinks I won't be able to stay because I have no income.
Well the joy of living in a council property is that WHEN HE goes your rent will be covered with housing benefit.

Stay put!

Whitchurch · 08/06/2021 13:31

Honestly, you need to stop talking yourself into being pushed out of your home and away from your children. Take the excellent advice that's been given here. He can't make you move out. He can't take custody of your children. He can't take all the money/assets.

Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 13:32

It's pretty awkward at the moment as he's working in the living room and the kids are still off for half term. We're having conversations via whatsapp when he's not busy. I can't really disappear to make phone calls just yet.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/06/2021 13:32

@flapjackfairy

No don't leave your children. He can't make you leave. You are the main carer so tell him to go then look at benefits and maintenance etc. If you are joint tenants he can't decide these things.
As above ^

DO NOT leave the house.

He may be the main wage earner, that doesn't mean he can throw you out. It means he has a responsibility to support his family - you and the children. You are the main carer, and you all have the right to safe roof over your heads and food on the table etc - and that is his responsibility

musthavebeenlove · 08/06/2021 13:34

He’s a dick.

DO NOT LEAVE, CALL WOMEN’S AID

And if he gets agressive, even if it’s ‘just’ shouting, any attempt to intimidate you whatsoever, call the police on him immediately. You need to prepare mentally that you’re going to have to fight (not literally) for your home with this entitled wanker.
Stand up for yourself and your DC, if you leave council might very well see this as you made yourself intentionally homeless, with all the consequences that entails including that he might get custody of DC if you don’t have a roof over your head.

Put yourself first now.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/06/2021 13:36

@SisterNight

It's pretty awkward at the moment as he's working in the living room and the kids are still off for half term. We're having conversations via whatsapp when he's not busy. I can't really disappear to make phone calls just yet.
Contact them on their website. Let them know he is bullying you.
lalafafa · 08/06/2021 13:36

if you're long term sick you should get benefits for threat, plus any others you're entitled to. I bet you would be much better off if you claimed them yourself.
use this www.entitledto.co.uk

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/06/2021 13:38

It matters not if you have no income, you are a tenant and if you have no income you can claim UC. He cannot kick you out, change the locks, etc.

Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 13:39

Now I'm in limbo because he's apparently not sure what to do anymore. FFS.

OP posts:
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