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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wanting to split, he wants me to leave the house

360 replies

SisterNight · 08/06/2021 11:09

DH wants us to split. We are joint tenants in a council property. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. I had to leave my part time job 3 years ago on medical grounds due to my health. We have 3 dc. I have no family in the city we live in so would probably have to move back to my parents who live about an hour away. He works from home so is able to do all the school runs etc.

I have no savings or any income. I don't want to leave my children. I need some advice. Please help!

OP posts:
shetlandponies · 08/06/2021 12:38

DO NOT leave x

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 08/06/2021 12:40

@Zoinksalot

From your post its difficult to see how you contribute to the running of the family everyday it seems it would be easier for you as a single person to leave if he does school runs etc and can work whilst they're at school... you need professional advice and to see what the easiest way is
What? Are you the husband? Hmm

Please stay put OP. You should be able to get housing benefit and income support. When I split up with my then DH, I assumed I would be a lot worse off financially. In fact, I was about the same.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/06/2021 12:40

@mam0918

Dont leave your kids, its classed as abandonment (regardless of circumstance) and you wont get custody back, even if you flee you are expected to take them with you (I know a woman who learned that the hard way).

Also courts usually side with the mother, as long as you havent left your children then its mothers who are usually granted main custody and whoever has main custody of the children gets the house as its safegaurding for the child.

There's an awful lot of misinformation in this post. Confused
pointythings · 08/06/2021 12:41

You're the main carer. Any decisions taken should be in the best interest of the children and you leaving would run counter to that. Your husband is trying it on.

What you do now is stop cooking for him, stop doing his laundry, live separate from him. Then apply for Universal Credit. Also make sure that the Child Benefit goes into your bank account (if you do not have your own bank account, get one now).

His 'I earn the money, it's my house' is bullshit - you're married and you're joint tenants. My late husband tried that one too - he paid off our mortgage out of MIL's inheritance and tried to use that. So I told him that after a 20 year marriage, UK law would see it differently.

Protect yourself. Don't let him intimidate you.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/06/2021 12:41

@Zoinksalot

From your post its difficult to see how you contribute to the running of the family everyday it seems it would be easier for you as a single person to leave if he does school runs etc and can work whilst they're at school... you need professional advice and to see what the easiest way is
Excuse me, WHAT??
DomPom47 · 08/06/2021 12:42

He earns the money so he can move out not you.

shetlandponies · 08/06/2021 12:42

@Zoinksalot

From your post its difficult to see how you contribute to the running of the family everyday it seems it would be easier for you as a single person to leave if he does school runs etc and can work whilst they're at school... you need professional advice and to see what the easiest way is
Are you for real? She's a sahm she probably does EVERYTHING
Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 12:42

He wants to keep the children. He wants me to leave. I don't drive so I'd have to rely on public transport to come and visit. It breaks my heart even thinking of that. We moved in the house together.

He's trying to say I'm rubbish with money and me and the kids will end up homeless if I stay in the house now.

I've ended up in a financially stupid position. He sorts all the money. I don't even check my own bank account (not that there's anything in it!) I've always trusted him and it's been such a gradual change that he sorts it all. I'm completely unaware of what bills we have. I feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
shetlandponies · 08/06/2021 12:43

@Celandines

Surely the point of council housing is to help people on a low income. Why does he think the person with a job has more right to it? The person with a job is in a better position to private rent. You as a main carer with health issues affecting your ability to work seem to be the one in need of a council home not him.
This 💯
CandyLeBonBon · 08/06/2021 12:43

@SisterNight

He wants to keep the children. He wants me to leave. I don't drive so I'd have to rely on public transport to come and visit. It breaks my heart even thinking of that. We moved in the house together.

He's trying to say I'm rubbish with money and me and the kids will end up homeless if I stay in the house now.

I've ended up in a financially stupid position. He sorts all the money. I don't even check my own bank account (not that there's anything in it!) I've always trusted him and it's been such a gradual change that he sorts it all. I'm completely unaware of what bills we have. I feel like an idiot.

Nope. Call citizens advice, housing officer and women's aid.
fantastaballs · 08/06/2021 12:43

My sister was a SAHM in a council priest and her fella earned the money. They split up and he refused to go. Washed the house. She called the council and they said that even if she moved out with the kids, they would not transfer the tenancy to his make as it was not a suitable use of the housing stock. She would need rehoming with her kids and that would mean the family was taking up two three bed houses. They put it in writing to her and then her moved out and went onto the council list. He now has a lovely two bed flat and she kept her house.

Singlenotsingle · 08/06/2021 12:44

How are you kicking him out? This is all down to him, isn't it? He's the one who wants to break up so he's the one to go - and take his precious money with him! (Apart from child maintenance). You can apply for benefits. It'll be hard but not so hard as being on your own out there, missing the dc and with no money.

Zzelda · 08/06/2021 12:45

I really didn't think he thought so little of me. All this is a little out of the blue. It's only been since last night though I have known he's been unhappy for a while. I'm boring I think. All we do is watch TV in an evening and I don't talk to him enough.

So if all both of you do in the evenings is to watch TV, why is that solely your fault? Why doesn't he come up with some exciting, dynamic alternatives that are consistent with looking after children? If he's bored now, he would be even more bored if he became the children's sole carer.

Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 12:46

I've even suggested that we have an open marriage if it will make him happier. He's not interested. Just wants me gone. Why does he hate me so much?

OP posts:
shetlandponies · 08/06/2021 12:47

OP it may be worth contacting women's aid as well.

Whythesadface · 08/06/2021 12:47

He hasn't worked for this house, remind him it's a council rented, not owned.
Your entitled to child support off him and half your assets which include the car value.
There is a lot of support available to you please don't just accept what he says.
Stay put, he would have to take you to court to get you out, and since your a SAHM you should find you get the house not him,

Zzelda · 08/06/2021 12:48

@SisterNight

I have a long term illness which means I can't work. I have good days and bad days. He's trying to say I can't look after the kids properly because he sometimes has to take them to school if I'm not well.
None of that equates to being unable to look after the children properly. Plenty of people worse off than you cope. If he leaves and you have this problem in future, there are a number of possibilities, e.g. friends taking the children, help from social services or, indeed, their father. Have you looked into whether the children might qualify for transport to school, particularly the one with autism who may qualify by virtue of disability?
Weirdfan · 08/06/2021 12:49

The best advice I can give you OP is fact-check everything he says rather than letting him frighten you with his bullshit claims. Don't blindly believe anything everything he says because it's all designed to manipulate/scare you into doing what he wants. Make legal advice your first priority (Rights of Women offer free legal advice and could at least point you in the right direction rightsofwomen.org.uk/) and do not budge from that house Flowers

shetlandponies · 08/06/2021 12:49

@SisterNight

I've even suggested that we have an open marriage if it will make him happier. He's not interested. Just wants me gone. Why does he hate me so much?
He is a nasty horrible bully

OP stay strong. This thread is an army of women all on your side (possibly bar one poster 😂 ) x

copperpotsalot · 08/06/2021 12:49

Just to echo what others have said - don't leave!!

You are the main carer of the children and you are unwell, it's you who needs housing not him.

I am a single council tenant with children and I'm on long term sickness with PIP, we don't live a lavish lifestyle but all my bills are paid, we eat well, and I have enough money for taxis on the days I'm too ill for the school run.

MudMonsters · 08/06/2021 12:49

@SisterNight

He wants to keep the children. He wants me to leave. I don't drive so I'd have to rely on public transport to come and visit. It breaks my heart even thinking of that. We moved in the house together.

He's trying to say I'm rubbish with money and me and the kids will end up homeless if I stay in the house now.

I've ended up in a financially stupid position. He sorts all the money. I don't even check my own bank account (not that there's anything in it!) I've always trusted him and it's been such a gradual change that he sorts it all. I'm completely unaware of what bills we have. I feel like an idiot.

You need your own bank account OP. Has he been refusing for you to have one? I'm sure to make sure he holds all the cards. Call domestic abuse line and citizens advice, he is controlling you. I advise taking some cash out from the joint account and giving it to a friend for safe keeping, or transferring it to friend or relative again for safe keeping. You have every right to do so as the account is in your name too. So you have some money even if not immediately accessible. I wouldn't try to hide it in the house incase he finds it, but up to you.

And again, do not leave the house.

mam0918 · 08/06/2021 12:49

@SisterNight

Thanks all. He is trying to guilt trip me saying I'm kicking him out the house that he's worked his arse off for. I do most of the childcare stuff, all the washing, shopping, cooking, dealing with school stuff etc.

I really didn't think he thought so little of me. All this is a little out of the blue. It's only been since last night though I have known he's been unhappy for a while. I'm boring I think. All we do is watch TV in an evening and I don't talk to him enough. I've been fairly happy, yes having kids is a bit dull and monotonous at times and we don't have the money on one wage to have lots of trips out etc. We are with each other 24/7 which I think is part of the problem. His expectations of me are too high, I can't be his full time entertainment.

Its a council house not one he bought solely with his income... he hasnt 'worked his ass off' he basically won the council lottery which likely only happened because of you and the kids.

A single working man making enough to comfortably support himself is so low he might as well not be on the council list at all, I was a young (teenaged) vunerable homeless woman living in and out of halfway houses from age 16 and was practically bottom of the list for 3 years (actually straight up told if I didnt get pregnant I was unlikely to move up the list) nevermind someone like him who doesnt actually need the house.

shesellsseacats · 08/06/2021 12:49

You should stay in the council house exactly because you have no income. It will be paid for. He can rent a place nearby if he wants to split.

Talk to Shelter and Women's Aid. Both can be hard to get through to but give excellent advice.

Shelter will advise you on your rights as a council tenant when splitting up.

Women's Aid can advise whether his behaviour, such as controlling all the money, can be seen as financial or coercive control, and it could be helpful if it can, as you may get more help in fighting him.

Don't, under any circumstances leave. If he does something underhand like change the locks, get straight on to the council or police about getting back in.

He won't get the DC off you through the courts as you are the primary carer.

Zzelda · 08/06/2021 12:50

@SisterNight

I've even suggested that we have an open marriage if it will make him happier. He's not interested. Just wants me gone. Why does he hate me so much?
Don't waste your time wondering why. The chances are that he just thinks he'll pick up some nubile 20 year old who will provide unlimited sex and take over all household responsibilities for him - if so, he has a few shocks coming.
Disfordarkchocolate · 08/06/2021 12:50

What he actually wants is to split up and not pay any child support etc.

Just focus on doing what's best for your children, that is the continuity of the same house with the same main carer. There are places out their that can help you learn to budget.