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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wanting to split, he wants me to leave the house

360 replies

SisterNight · 08/06/2021 11:09

DH wants us to split. We are joint tenants in a council property. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. I had to leave my part time job 3 years ago on medical grounds due to my health. We have 3 dc. I have no family in the city we live in so would probably have to move back to my parents who live about an hour away. He works from home so is able to do all the school runs etc.

I have no savings or any income. I don't want to leave my children. I need some advice. Please help!

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 08/06/2021 12:08

Absolutely do not leave the house, the cheek of him being the one who wants to break up but also wants you to leave, no way

ChaToilLeam · 08/06/2021 12:12

Do not leave, and seek advice on your situation. If he becomes abusive, then inform the police. What a nasty piece of work he is to try and push you out of your home with the children.

Bythemillpond · 08/06/2021 12:12

SisterNight

I have a long term illness which means I can't work. I have good days and bad days. He's trying to say I can't look after the kids properly because he sometimes has to take them to school if I'm not well

There is more to looking after children than getting them to and from school.

My friend has just divorced her abusive ex. Also very disabled and also with children involved (or they were when she started divorce proceedings 5 years ago)

She has kept the family home as part of the divorce settlement. Her exh said she wouldn’t end up with a penny and he would take the children as she was too disabled to look after them. Even when eldest turned 18 he was demanding that they spend Eow with him as part of the divorce

I know it is hard when you are in pain or disabled but I think you need to put a barrier up to what he is saying. What he wants is for you to disappear and for his life to continue as normal but only seems to think that childcare involves doing the school run.
How is he going to work if one of them is off sick or in school holidays or need putting to bed or the 1001 other invisible tasks that get done without him thinking about etc
That is why you are their primary care giver.

If you move out you could end up having to pay him child maintenance.
You need to stay and start looking at life as a single parent and getting benefits accordingly.
If he wants to split he knows where the door is and as he has said he has the money so can rent himself a place all by himself.
You can’t move out as you and the children would have no where to go,

cherrytreesa · 08/06/2021 12:19

From your post its difficult to see how you contribute to the running of the family everyday it seems it would be easier for you as a single person to leave if he does school runs etc and can work whilst they're at school

What a terrible comment to make to a mother who's most likely at her wits end with worry, so so unkind.

GrandmasCat · 08/06/2021 12:20

The argument is that he earns the money so he should keep the house Grin

Bless him, that’s exactly why a family court will ask him to find his own accommodation and leave the council house to you.

First thing first, do not panic, go to entitledto.org.uk to find out how much support you could get as the main carer of your children and for your disability.

Call also women’s aid, even if you think he is not abusive as they will be able to give you a lot of information on how to go through this.

Don’t forget that in your vulnerable situation there will be other help available such as help to pay rent, reduction on council tax, etc. And don’t let ANYONE making you feel bad about it, that what you and your husband paid taxes all these years.

Best of luck.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/06/2021 12:21

Can you claim additional benefits due to not being able to work due to long term illness?

Do you do most of childcare/chores. Would you be able to manage most of the time looking after the children? Do you have a friend who could help out with the school run if necessary?

PerseverancePays · 08/06/2021 12:21

@SisterNight

I have a long term illness which means I can't work. I have good days and bad days. He's trying to say I can't look after the kids properly because he sometimes has to take them to school if I'm not well.
Load of BS. Loads of council tenants chronic illnesses and can’t work.

You are entitled to housing benefits and living benefits for yourself and your children. And possibly disability benefits.

Him taking them to school occasionally and looking after them is just him being a parent. If he’s making you feel bad about then he’s an arse as well.

Having a Council property is like winning the lottery; do not let him have it.

I also have long term conditions and the worst thing I ever did was let my ex bully me out of our protected tenancy. The children and I had years and years of moving from one private rental to another. (5 times in 7 years at its worst). He moved his girlfriend in and carried on as normal.
PLEASE DO NOT MOVE OUT .

Unsubscribed · 08/06/2021 12:23

OP you must NOT move out please do not do this even if DP is pushing. Ring CAB. It is likely going to be a tough time ahead until the situation is resolved but you must try to stay strong. Do you have a friend who can support you.

Sunnyjac · 08/06/2021 12:27

I have a long term illness which means I
can't work. I have good days and bad days.
He's trying to say I can't look after the kids
properly because he sometimes has to take
them to school if I'm not well.

And you presumably take them the rest of the time. As others have said, contact the council and get advice. Unless you are bed bound and do nothing for the house and children you are their primary carer and run the household. He needs to go and pay the maintenance due to you.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 08/06/2021 12:29

Ring universal credits and find out what you are entitled to . Or check there entitled to calculator online. Don't move out and phone your housing officer

stackemhigh · 08/06/2021 12:29

I agree do not move out. As it's a council property, I'm sure they will help you. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 12:29

Thanks all. He is trying to guilt trip me saying I'm kicking him out the house that he's worked his arse off for. I do most of the childcare stuff, all the washing, shopping, cooking, dealing with school stuff etc.

I really didn't think he thought so little of me. All this is a little out of the blue. It's only been since last night though I have known he's been unhappy for a while. I'm boring I think. All we do is watch TV in an evening and I don't talk to him enough. I've been fairly happy, yes having kids is a bit dull and monotonous at times and we don't have the money on one wage to have lots of trips out etc. We are with each other 24/7 which I think is part of the problem. His expectations of me are too high, I can't be his full time entertainment.

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 08/06/2021 12:30

So what does he call all the work you do?!

How did you both come by the house? Did you move in at the same time?

plowlom · 08/06/2021 12:30

With no income you really need to stay in the council house. If he wants to split and is working he can go rent somewhere

GettingItOutThere · 08/06/2021 12:31

do not leave the house!

separate everything and apply for universal credit as a single person. You can do this even living with him as long as you can prove you are separated/bills etc

what an arsehole he is, he thinks hes smart, be smarter!

bigbaggyeyes · 08/06/2021 12:31

Don't believe a word he says op. Speak to the council and a solicitor. He can't kick you out and please don't leave.

He might be earning money but you do the rest so he has no right to think he has the upper hand re housing.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/06/2021 12:32

Please listen to everyone on here. He's bullying you. You have equal rights, claim them. You will get all the support you need on here. Start with the housing office, they will point you in the right direction.

Anotheruser02 · 08/06/2021 12:32

He sounds like a bully, you absolutely know that if you did what he asks then he will tell anyone who will listen that you left him and the kids, now he's the poor downtrodden hero keeping them afloat.

Helloandhelloagain · 08/06/2021 12:33

Been in this position. He needs to leave . The council do not get involved. He earns more he leaves end of. You’ve got nothing to worry about . Do not leave the council house

HollowTalk · 08/06/2021 12:34

He's got a real nerve, hasn't he?

MudMonsters · 08/06/2021 12:34

He wants to keep a family sized council house and kick out his wife & children?? Is he hoping to house a new family in it soon??
Do not leave. You have every right to stay. If he doesn't like it he will have to leave.
He earns money, he can afford a 1bed+ flat for himself....

StellaAndCrow · 08/06/2021 12:35

You will be entitled to benefits, and will probably feel a lot better, as I get the impression that your husband thinks he has something over you because he's earning. You've been doing an important job raising the children and being a carer for you 11 yr old with ASD.
Keep your council tenancy.
All will work out ok.
Take care xx

FlemishHorse · 08/06/2021 12:37

Please call Citizens Advice, I volunteer with them, they are very familiar with this situation. If you’re in England 0800 144 8848, you will be put through to your local office.

Your safety is first priority, then welfare of the children.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/06/2021 12:37

@SisterNight

Thanks all. He is trying to guilt trip me saying I'm kicking him out the house that he's worked his arse off for. I do most of the childcare stuff, all the washing, shopping, cooking, dealing with school stuff etc.

I really didn't think he thought so little of me. All this is a little out of the blue. It's only been since last night though I have known he's been unhappy for a while. I'm boring I think. All we do is watch TV in an evening and I don't talk to him enough. I've been fairly happy, yes having kids is a bit dull and monotonous at times and we don't have the money on one wage to have lots of trips out etc. We are with each other 24/7 which I think is part of the problem. His expectations of me are too high, I can't be his full time entertainment.

How are you kicking him out of the house, he's the one who wanted to break up, right?
mam0918 · 08/06/2021 12:37

Dont leave your kids, its classed as abandonment (regardless of circumstance) and you wont get custody back, even if you flee you are expected to take them with you (I know a woman who learned that the hard way).

Also courts usually side with the mother, as long as you havent left your children then its mothers who are usually granted main custody and whoever has main custody of the children gets the house as its safegaurding for the child.