DH wanting to split, he wants me to leave the house

[SisterNight]

DH wants us to split. We are joint tenants in a council property. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. I had to leave my part time job 3 years ago on medical grounds due to my health. We have 3 dc. I have no family in the city we live in so would probably have to move back to my parents who live about an hour away. He works from home so is able to do all the school runs etc.

I have no savings or any income. I don't want to leave my children. I need some advice. Please help!

So he's changing his mind about splitting up?

He doesn't know what to do?

Tell him what to do. Tell him to bugger off! This isn't his decision any more - it's YOURS!

It does put a strain on relationships when you are raising an asd child, and it is very hard to manage.

Sorry but that's a massive sweeping generalisation to make about a whole spectrum of children and their parents.

Well he can do one telling you what to do. You are the main carer and he is the one wanting the split so tell him to get stuffed and see a solicitor re legal aid asap. DO NOT LEAVE.

It's social housing .. how has he worked his arse off for it , he probably stressing because he knows without the children,he's going to be entitled to nothing , he is a working age man with a full-time job ...you on the other hand will be able to claim disability benefits , for both you and your son ..child benefits housing cost etc you're gonna be better off without him .

I had a similar situation with my ex husband. I stuck to my guns and refused to move out, in the end the court ordered that the tenancy be signed over to me. I’m not going to lie it was hard but worth it in the end.

@Boonlark

He's treating you very badly.

If you were to leave, the council would consider you to have made yourself intentionally homeless, which means they don't have to rehouse you. You'll find it very difficult to rent anywhere if you don't have an income and a deposit.

He, however, is in a good position to rent somewhere. I think he's done some research and figured out that if you leave he:

• gets the council house (like gold dust)
• gets you to have to pay child maintenance to him
• gets the child benefit and possibly universal credit child element

Whereas if you stay, you:

• get to keep the council house
• get child maintenance from him
• get child benefit and child element of universal credit
• get housing allowance part of universal credit

The council may be able to assist with getting your children to school if you have a disability

THISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHIS!

Everything is in your favour.

He will dump you at the first opportunity - you don't need to let him make use of you any longer. You know his true feelings and have a chance to take control of your own life - DON'T THROW IT AWAY!

OP just an idea - you could try swapping your council house for a council house in the area you want to live in. Someone may be dying for a change of scenery.

Your life is going to change...for the better. Get a new haircut, get your nails done, treat yourself to some new perfume x

I bet as well he thinks he can get his hands on any top up benefits and the child benefit.

My good mate has a wanker ex who took their kids when she ended up in a women's refuge due to being beaten up by her (then) partner. They were waiting to be rehoused and it was obviously awful for all of them, five in one room. So kids dad said he'd take the kids for a few days. He then refused to give them back.

She now lives in a house share at 36, works full time and has to give HIM maintenance. Meanwhile he has turned the kids against her, as they believe she didn't want them. He messes her about with contact and she can't afford to take him to court. She wouldn't get residency anyway as she lives in one room. The whole situation makes my blood run cold as I can see how she fell for it.

His argument is that he earns the money so he should keep our house.

By saying this, he's already made things nasty.

I don't want things to get nasty.

So, start to tot up the costs of childcare (including SEN/specialist childcare for ASD), cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. This is your contribution to the family income 'in kind' which I expect would at least match (if not exceed) his earnings.

He isn't the boss of you, so don't let him be. He's started this ball rolling but it's up to you, not him, what you do next. You don't have to sit and wait it out while his lordship decides whether or not he's going to grace you with his continued presence in your life.

He's shown you what he thinks of you. React to that, not to the fact that you thought things were happy. And from what you've written I think you, and therefore the DCs, would have a better life without a miserable mardy arse in it. Don't make the mistake of thinking that whether he stays or goes is solely his decision.

Op you may feel powerless but you have to now put the past behind you and woman up, to protect your children,

First stay put, under no circumstance move out even for a night
Second, STOP LISTENING TO HIM he doesn't have your best interest at heart.
Third get advice on here and in rl on how to navigate a divorce/benefits/help etc.
Find out what the bills are, get access to your account you will need it going forward. Take back control and don't stop.

Good luck you can do this and you owe it to your children to be there with them in their and your home.

@SisterNight

I think you are right about a power imbalance. It's actually made me tear up a little. I feel powerless.

My confidence is shot. I don't have many friends and no family. I don't really know any of the mums at school. My family live away. I feel trapped.

Bullying and self pity are exactly how he's behaved today. He can be very selfish. I'm not frightened of him and I do feel safe in that respect.

I used to be very different. I had lots of friends and was very sociable. This was years ago though. I feel very introverted these days and it's no wonder I don't have anything interesting to talk about.

What a bloody mess.

Something like this happened to me. When I split up from my ex (I did throw him out, which you are not doing), I eventually did get both my mojo and my friends back. You can come back from this, and it can be much better than it is now. I am a great deal happier now.

And he's throwing himself out, if he goes. He brought this up, you didn't.

He is behaving like an asshat!
I’m yet another person telling you NOT to leave the house. If he’s that unhappy he needs to leave. If you leave without the children it’s likely you will be housed in shared accommodation depending

Sorry posted to soon.
If you’re under 35 you’ll only be entitled to shared accommodation if you don’t have the children.
If you’re on Facebook take a look at Universal Credit Essentials, they will know what you might be entitled to if DH leaves. If you don’t already claim DLA for your dc look into that too, as you may be entitled to carers allowance. Good luck.

He's being awful to you.
Do not leave the house or your children.

If you have a long term illness, you will be entitled to UC. It's currently esa if you can't work. I don't know what it's called in UC sorry.
Also look into claiming PIP for your illness. That's not included in UC

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. But don't give him any power - you take it.

im council , theres nothing he can do to make you go if you refuse , absolutely do not bloody leave . he cannot force you off the tenenacy , my neighbour is also council and wants her husband to go , hes refused , she checked with them and they said basically shes stuck , they cannot just take him off tenenacy just because she wants him out . of course you can afford it , you would be able to apply for housing benefit and child benefit until maybe you were able to get a part time jpb

Definitely do not leave! You don't want to lose your status as a council tenant. I would speak to the council, if I were you.

@SisterNight

I have a long term illness which means I can't work. I have good days and bad days. He's trying to say I can't look after the kids properly because he sometimes has to take them to school if I'm not well.

I'm also really wary of this ... looks like he's going to say he should be the main carer as you are unfit to care for them. Presumably you look after them in the holidays etc while he works? Perhaps you should start collecting evidence that you care for them - how many pick ups you do, appointments you take them to, days he works and you provide sole care etc.

Keep all your messages

Absolutely refuse to leave your home and children.
Do not hand him any power.
Find a solicitor, he is not in a position of power here.

No way! He wants to leave the relationship, so he can leave. He's willing to throw you out of your home and away from your children with the click of a finger.
You're a SAHM, what about the children? Is he going to take on that role too?
Either way he thinks he'll be lonely and unhappy? He needs to sort himself out. He can't be throwing around threats like these on a whim.

You will be entitled to benefits if you are disabled and unable to work and also a carer for your Son. I think you need some advice from professionals DO NOT LEAVE the property or he gains the upper hand. If anything as he is earning he is the one not entitled to the house!

Of course you can look after your kids if you are disabled, those days you can't you can find an alternative way for them to be taken to school. If help is in the house of course you take that option (ie when he is around) at the end of the day he is their parent too and that won't stop if he leaves - he could still do that for heavens sake

You will be entitled to housing benefit , so dont need an income to pay the rent ...do not leave ! Go and see Citizens Advice as soon as you can xx