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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wanting to split, he wants me to leave the house

360 replies

SisterNight · 08/06/2021 11:09

DH wants us to split. We are joint tenants in a council property. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. I had to leave my part time job 3 years ago on medical grounds due to my health. We have 3 dc. I have no family in the city we live in so would probably have to move back to my parents who live about an hour away. He works from home so is able to do all the school runs etc.

I have no savings or any income. I don't want to leave my children. I need some advice. Please help!

OP posts:
LadyOfLittleLeisure · 08/06/2021 18:45

@SisterNight

Another thing I've realised is that he claims the child benefit. Is that going to be difficult to change into my name?
Why is it in his name if you're the main carer? Speak to Citizens Advice Bureau or Woman's Aid (as he's gaslighting you, emotionally abusing you, claiming you're unfit to parent and trying to force you out/force children off you and potentially financially abusing you too) they might have more advice.
QioiioiioQ · 08/06/2021 18:48

he's a twit, he cant even form a coherent strategy, humour him while you plan a better life without him!

felulageller · 08/06/2021 18:56

Splitting is a good idea cos he's a pr*CK!

If he wants to split he has to leave.

lakesummer · 08/06/2021 18:57

It used to be that woman were always advised to have child benefits in their names as it counted towards getting pension credits.
I would check this with CAB or similar and if it is the case use that as the reason for changing that over.

endofthelinefinally · 08/06/2021 18:57

Women's Aid will help you. This is a controlling relationship. If he has set up the child benefit in his name, he knows exactly what he is doing. Do not trust him one iota.

endofthelinefinally · 08/06/2021 18:58

And yes, your pension credits are really important.

AdaColeman · 08/06/2021 18:59

Don't be fooled by him.
He isn't really going to put all this behind him, and go back to how things were.
He's just saying that to lull you into a false sense of security.

Meanwhile he will be coming up with Plan B, to get rid of you another way.

So, you need to take some action, get control of your life, your finances, what benefits you can claim, what the regular bills for the household are.
Once you start to do those things, you will find that you don't feel so helpless, you will realise that you do have some agency in your own life.
Soon you will be in a position of power, and be able to get rid of him from your life.

QioiioiioQ · 08/06/2021 19:03

Meanwhile he will be coming up with Plan B, to get rid of you another way
Agree, plan A didnt go the way he thought it would but your response gave him some pointers as to what might work for plan B.
OP everything you do and say gives him info about how to control and manipulate you, best to give him as little info as possible, throw in some misinformation for good measure

GoldenBlue · 08/06/2021 19:18

It is easy to request getting the child benefit in your name but they will write to him about it.

Others are right as the non working partner it should have been in your name to get your pension years anyway.

www.gov.uk/child-benefit/make-a-change-to-your-claim

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 08/06/2021 19:24

@QioiioiioQ

Meanwhile he will be coming up with Plan B, to get rid of you another way Agree, plan A didnt go the way he thought it would but your response gave him some pointers as to what might work for plan B. OP everything you do and say gives him info about how to control and manipulate you, best to give him as little info as possible, throw in some misinformation for good measure
@QioiioiioQ I am so worried for OP that plan B will be to claim she is an unfit parent as he's already hinted that :(
YouokHun · 08/06/2021 19:40

@SisterNight this is what Citizens Advice says.

DH wanting to split, he wants me to leave the house
Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 19:43

My illness is autoimmune but I do have some well under control mental health issues. My last known problems with that were almost 7 years ago and that was dealt with promptly. I am on medication but I'm very stable. I do worry that my mental health may come under scrutiny.

OP posts:
copperpotsalot · 08/06/2021 19:45

As your child has asd is it you who communicates with school/ doctors/ camhs etc.? Is it you who takes them to the dentist? Are you known at the school gates as the parent most often there?

All of this is evidence that you are the main, and fully competent, carer

Boonlark · 08/06/2021 19:45

So there are some extra things you can do:

  • Get a phone appointment with your GP, explain how he's got control of your bank account, and the child tax credits so that you're getting nothing towards your pension. That you can't spend any money without him knowing but that he can. That he's tried to tell you to leave without the kids when you've got no income and no savings. That he's already hinted that he's going to claim you can't look after the kids, despite you being their main carer throughout the year. And ask the GP to put something about this in your notes. You may need this record in the future.
  • Go to your bank with you account details and proof of id and proof of address,and explain what's happening and that you need help to access your account and the joint account.
  • Tell your dh that you need to have the child benefit assigned to you because you've realised that you're missing out on the free state pension contributions without it....Do this after you be spoken to the child benefit people and started the process.

Once you have the child benefit in your name, or sooner if he refuses and they have to arbitrate:

  • Tell him that you're now separated and write him an email saying the same, so that you have a formal separation date.
  • Is your dh self employed? If so you need proof of his earnings as it's easy to hide how much he earns. If he's salaried CMS can just check with HMRC. Also try to find out his national insurance number.
  • File for divorce so that you can prove to universal credit that you are separated. It will take 4-6 weeks for any money to come through, so you may need extra help to start with. You can point out to him that failing to contribute when he has a dw and children with disabilities, will look very bad in court.
QioiioiioQ · 08/06/2021 19:46

Start a dossier OP, a detailed record of HIS behaviour to counter whatever case he might try to make against you

Itawapuddytat · 08/06/2021 19:47

About the child benefit. Call them and arrange that the child benefit gets paid into YOUR account. As you are their main carer.

Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 19:56

I deal with doctors, dentist, school and camhs. I think if I changed the child benefit any time soon he'd twig. The doctors is a good call, I'm there next week anyway.

OP posts:
Cactuslove · 08/06/2021 19:58

Some people with care and supports needs require support tomoarent. It's highlighted in the Care Act 2014.... contact your local council for an assessment. You might be entitled to a direct payment for a PA to help you on your off days. Also once allocated to a sw they could help with benefits and wirting on your behalf to the housing agency. Will look good to be proactive.

Cactuslove · 08/06/2021 19:59

**support to parent

Sorry my stupid phone!

partyatthepalace · 08/06/2021 20:01

Wow - this is abusive behaviour. What a manipulative little fucker.

What’s good news is he has rowed back for now, which gives you time to get your self in order.

Do you have people you can talk to honestly in real life, if you don’t I would consider arranging some short term counselling to support you through this.

Lots of good advice from PPs so the only thing I’d add is the most important thing right now is to focus hard on the future and view yourself in as positive a light as possible. Don’t allow yourself the indulgence of belittling yourself, worrying about things that might come to pass, or wondering where your H’s head is.

Focus all your time on honing down where you want to be in 6 months, sorting out the practicalities and building yourself armour.

You did the best you could in the past, but you are not that person anymore - your eyes have been opened - keep moving forward not looking back.

copperpotsalot · 08/06/2021 20:03

@SisterNight

I deal with doctors, dentist, school and camhs. I think if I changed the child benefit any time soon he'd twig. The doctors is a good call, I'm there next week anyway.
Good so plenty of professionals can confirm you are an engaged and competent parent
QioiioiioQ · 08/06/2021 20:04

if I changed the child benefit any time soon he'd twig
I dont know how child ben works these days but can you find out what needs to be done and then have it ready to roll out as soon as you no longer need to keep him in the dark?

lakesummer · 08/06/2021 20:06

Just wanted to reassure you as a social worker that well controlled mental health issues are not a concern to social services.
1/4 of the population has a mental health issue at some point.
If you are known to school and CAMHS as the main parent and responsive to your dc's needs you should be fine.
That fact you have a chronic illness shouldn't be an issue, you might want to think out a child transport plan for getting dc to school if you are unwell but that should be it.

Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 20:17

I'm pretty sure I'd manage in a taxi if I was having a bad day. The DCs school is really good and would probably be supportive.

OP posts:
lakesummer · 08/06/2021 20:20

So you've got a plan, that is all you need.

I only mentioned it because I know sometimes people really worry about social services or cafcass having these concepts of perfect parents and I wanted to say they really don't.

Nothing you have described would be concerning including your managed mental health issue.