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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wanting to split, he wants me to leave the house

360 replies

SisterNight · 08/06/2021 11:09

DH wants us to split. We are joint tenants in a council property. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. I had to leave my part time job 3 years ago on medical grounds due to my health. We have 3 dc. I have no family in the city we live in so would probably have to move back to my parents who live about an hour away. He works from home so is able to do all the school runs etc.

I have no savings or any income. I don't want to leave my children. I need some advice. Please help!

OP posts:
Cravendale · 08/06/2021 15:14

You say ‘his worked his arse off for the house’

But its a council house?
So i dont really understand that statement

He leaves.
You and the children stay
Contact citizens advice and the job centre
They will tell you what benefits you are entitled to and pay your rent for you

You wont be homeless

DO NOT LEAVE THE CHILDREN OR THE HOUSE

motogogo · 08/06/2021 15:14

DO NOT LEAVE!

Change all your online passwords

Set up a new bank account today, do not give him the information and opt to have paperwork sent via email or to your local bank branch. Send birth certificates to your parents for safekeeping.

Register for benefits, you will need to go through assessment as to whether you can work - you might find that flexible work from home means you can be in work. Apply for pip you can claim this and work. Contact hmrc and get the child benefits to come to your bank account and explain you are estranged from your husband, they will be familiar with scenario alas.

If you are concerned for your safety call the police

GoldenBlue · 08/06/2021 15:15

@HaveringWavering no absolutely not, the opposite. Read my message above where I made it clear she and children need to stay in the house.

Just consider whether she wants him to stay or not, and whether that relationship is worth fighting for, as some are not.

This man sounds delightful :(

endofthelinefinally · 08/06/2021 15:15

PUT money.

Zebracat · 08/06/2021 15:16

Hi op. So sorry this asshat thinks he can behave like this. Splitting up over what’s app with your kids in the house is ghastly. Tell him that you will sit down for a proper conversation at this time on this date, when the kids are back in school. Meanwhile do not engage. He seems to have 2 modes, bullying and self pitying. Well bollocks to that. Do not respond. Meanwhile , if you are able, Take the children out, keep really busy with them and let him stew in this mess he has made.
And when you do sit down to discuss, have your position clear in your own mind, that you are not leaving and that you are the primary carer. If he just keeps saying the same bollocks explain that they are your red lines and non negotiable. If he shouts or belittles you, leave the room. You never had to put up with that shit and you certainly don’t need to now.
He’s done a real number on you, to present you with the end of the marriage and a proposal that obliterates you all at the same time. Anyone would have been reeling. And that he thought it would work speaks volumes about the power balance in your house. People don’t have to be physically violent to be abusive.
Sending you the best of best wishes, you can survive this, and then you will be free of this tosser.

Bellringer · 08/06/2021 15:18

He may be depressed, it's not easy, but he needs to work a solution out with you or leave. He can't just decide on his own
Phone Relate first, if you can't work things out he leaves. Stay put

Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 15:23

I think you are right about a power imbalance. It's actually made me tear up a little. I feel powerless.

My confidence is shot. I don't have many friends and no family. I don't really know any of the mums at school. My family live away. I feel trapped.

Bullying and self pity are exactly how he's behaved today. He can be very selfish. I'm not frightened of him and I do feel safe in that respect.

I used to be very different. I had lots of friends and was very sociable. This was years ago though. I feel very introverted these days and it's no wonder I don't have anything interesting to talk about.

What a bloody mess.

OP posts:
shetlandponies · 08/06/2021 15:24

@SisterNight

I feel like I'm being gaslit now as he's saying I'm chucking him out and my solution for him being unhappy and lonely is to split up.

I'm bloody confused and I feel sick. He's been horrible to me and now he's trying to twist it that I want him out. I've already said I've been happy.

I need to read over all our messages again to work out exactly what he's going on about.

I can't be solely responsible for his happiness. I'm not here for his entertainment.

He is 100 percent gaslighting you! He is using his own words and making out you said them!
FatCatThinCat · 08/06/2021 15:25

He expected you to pack and up and leave. He was quite happy for you to be homeless and your life to thrown into chaos. But you called his bluff and now it's him facing homelessness and chaos. So he's backtracking and trying to make it all your fault. Do not let him do it. He created this situation and he'll have to live with the consequences.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME AND CHILDREN!

KaptainKaveman · 08/06/2021 15:25

If it's really the money he's worried about, work out exactly how much you have saved on childcare fees by not working and show him the bill. Then he can give you that sum.

He is an arse. Do not leave. he can leave.

lakesummer · 08/06/2021 15:28

He is behaving like a tool.

You just to be clear that he raised leaving not you.
That you will not be leaving the family home.
And he needs to work out what he wants to do.

In the meantime you need to get a clearer handle on family finances.

Now your DP has worked out that you won't disappear he needs to make some adult choices. He may want to split but he has to accept that involves him leaving and losing income. That is his choice to make.

You may decide that you don't want to be in a relationship with him, which as he is not the main carer for the dc will have the same effect.

Actually you have more control in this situation than him, which he may just now be working out.

NewMinouMinou · 08/06/2021 15:29

If you don’t mind me asking, is your long-term illness physical or mental/emotional?
I’m asking because I’m wondering if he’s contributed to it over the years and if, when you’re free, you might feel better.

StormTreader · 08/06/2021 15:30

He's clearly had his own way for far too long if it's come as such a shock that you're not going to leave your own home simply because he says so.

NewMinouMinou · 08/06/2021 15:31

Lakesummer

Actually you have more control in this situation than him, which he may just now be working out.

Yup. In spades.

shetlandponies · 08/06/2021 15:33

@KaptainKaveman

If it's really the money he's worried about, work out exactly how much you have saved on childcare fees by not working and show him the bill. Then he can give you that sum.

He is an arse. Do not leave. he can leave.

Yes it will be tens of thousands over the years

That's what these twats don't realise

Zebracat · 08/06/2021 15:33

Oh my dear. I am so sorry if my post made you feel bad. You have 3 children, 1 of whom is disabled. You have a long term illness, and your Prince Charming has evidently been chipping away at your self esteem for years. I’m sorry you don’t have friends and family to support you irl. Have a little think though, are there old friends you have lost touch with, people your darling husband didn’t like maybe?.But, if not you clearly are lovely and you have a capacity for love and friendship, you will be able to find yourself again. Meanwhile, Women’s Aid will support you, once you get through(it can take a while) and even though you are not scared, this guy seems to have been emotionally and financially. abusive. Sometimes things look different when we give them the correct name.

midsummabreak · 08/06/2021 15:34

@Zoinksalot are you the partner?
Using your argument same could be said of Ops partner, e.g. it could be is difficult to see how the wanker of a partner contributes to the thousands of unpaid chores that must be done if he is at work all day

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/06/2021 15:37

@NewMinouMinou

Lakesummer

Actually you have more control in this situation than him, which he may just now be working out.

Yup. In spades.

This. And that old you, Sister, that's the real you. Your confidence and probably even your health will improve once you're shot of this gaslighting, bullying douchebag.

He cannot kick you out. He cannot make you leave. You have an account. You can claim UC and have the funds put in there.

You can have a DLA form sent to you, request it online. Use the Cerebra charity's website to get help filling it out and even your UC coach can help. Also Sunshine Support charity and Fight4Justice.

Lili132 · 08/06/2021 15:39

@Zzelda

How exactly does he think he's going to look after the children if he's working full time?
What a weird comment. Millions of parents all over the world work full time while raising families. In majority of countries you have to work full time if you are a single parent because there is no generous benefit system to fall back on and being unemployed would be seen negatively in family court. Providing for family is part of parenting and its really weird that in this country it automatically makes you disposable parent post divorce, especially when children are school age.

That comment aside, OP you need to stay in the house. If you can't work you will be eligible for benefits to help you with rent etc but it will be a lot better for you to stay in a council house.

He's able to work which means he can rent. If he wants to leave fine but you're not there to accommodate him at your own expense.

NewMinouMinou · 08/06/2021 15:40

Exactly, Osbert.

BlueButtercups · 08/06/2021 15:45

Well He's in for a rather large shock then isn't He. You do not leave the house, you stay in the home with your children. He leaves and pays you maintenance, and you claim benefits etc. You lady will be OKAY !!!

Make him leave ASAP.

Trust these posters OP, they know what to do. 🌸

Wegobshite · 08/06/2021 15:48

I’ve not read the whole thread but In my experience the council or a housing association won’t remove him from the tenancy or you unless its in writing to them that you want to leave
The person who is leaving may even have to go for an appointment with their proof of address and ID like a passport or driving licence and fill out a form in front of a housing officer
Otherwise anyone would be able to remove a joint tenant from a property

Him saying he doesn’t know what he wants means that you haven’t rolled over like the silly cow he thought you would be and give him a cheap house so he’s got to reassess his plans now

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 08/06/2021 15:51

Just adding my voice to all those saying do not leave the house.

vickibee · 08/06/2021 15:51

It does put a strain on relationships when you are raising an asd child, and it is very hard to manage. This is another reason why you would take priority for staying in the home with your children. I am certain that a family court would keep the kids in the family home with their main carer mum. I am with everyone else do not leave. If should be him that leaves. Shame on him

ThreeLocusts · 08/06/2021 15:54

OP I have nothing new to add but don't want to read and run - don't leave the house or your kids and don't blame yourself for being 'boring' when you're chronically ill.

So sorry this is happening to you. Reminds me of my mum - she was OK in the end.

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